ReVival 04 News and Notes

It’s News and Notes time and this edition is chock full of goodness. Read on!

• • The Anglo Luchador was checked out by PRIME doctors after his match with Brandon Youngblood, and though there were concerns of a concussion, he passed all protocols. Although he is not booked for ReVival 5, sources say he is planning “something big” for the event that will address many questions people have about him.
  • Reports coming out of ReVival 4 are that PRIME and Alexander Redding are in talks to finalize a long term deal, although mixed messages are coming from both camps.

“We certainly feel like the personality of Red & Ted have a home here in PRIME,” said a source within corporate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear that Lindsay Troy might have their hide.

“You think I’m signing that shit? They only want me as a commentator!” Redding relayed.

We’ll keep you informed, but it looks like both sides will continue with the handshake deal for the future.

• • Muriel Puddings checked in with a phone call Saturday morning (and judging from the background noise sounded as though she were standing next to a waterfall during a thunderstorm) to report “record sales of Muriel’s Stuff” at ReVival 4. Considering it was the first night the merch was available, of course it was, but she seemed elated despite her brother’s loss. It was also reported that her mother had a great time at the show, but was uncertain where she was at present. Sources report that she was last seen talking with Matt Mills backstage after the event.
  • We caught up with “The Watson Mill Kid” Zeb Martin, who made a surprise appearance to confront his old friends in the eGG Bandits. When asked about his motivation, Zeb laughed and remarked “I’s just wantin’ ta say ‘hey,’ ain’t shore why Dooze ‘n them had tuh rough me up like ‘at.” We followed up about a possible return to the ring, and he quickly shook his head to deny it. “I’m happy up thar’n the Big Apple. Didn’t never thank a suit and tie woulda been my dress code fer work, but I found my callin’ and it ain’t in the rang. I’s just here tonight tuh catch up with Lindsay and ask her fer a lil’ favor.” He would not elaborate on what that “favor” may have meant.
  • It’s reported that Melvin Beauregard awoke Saturday morning, ready to enjoy a well-deserved day off from a successful ReVival 4, only to find his phone lit up from various staff members reporting “unsatisfactory comments” from PRIMEates regarding their purchases at the Puddings merchandise table. The popular fan forum Gwrestling.com featured several posts about “action figures with missing parts,” “glitter not washing off,” and “the lighter, while sexy, is non-functional.” Fans indicated that while it was cool to meet some of their favorite wrestlers who were helping sell the bunk souvenirs, they would be boycotting the purchase of their merchandise in retaliation until refunds were issued.
  • After the show, Cancer Jiles was seen gargling egg yolks in an effort to soothe his strangled throat. There’s no word yet on how serious of an injury he might have sustained.
  • After their victory in the four-way Tornado Tag Team Match, Fighting For Nora were found excitedly celebrating in the locker room — at least Jonathan Rhine was. He told Matt Mills that this was a great night for “The Purpose” and vowed that their prize purse for winning would go directly to the Fighting for Nora Foundation. Paxton Ray was shadow boxing in the background and was heard saying, “It just felt good to punch some idiots.”
  • Speaking of the Fighting for Nora Foundation, reports are that a $30,000 donation came in over the weekend, with the supporter asking to remain anonymous.
  • When confronted with her loss against Teddy Palmer, Anna Daniels answered with a simple, “meh.”

When forced to elaborate, she proceeded to while taking a sip from a cup of tea. “Would it have been nice to win the Almasy and become the inaugural Universal Champion? Sure. It would’ve been a nice feather in the cap. Something we never did before. But can we get real with you guys? We’ve been in an ass ton of promotions over the years and the ones that last? Don’t really give a shit about the first champions. When you look back at their histories, it’s always the successors that make the most impact. The luster of being THE FIRST gets old and meaningless fast. Let Pepperoni Nips go for being the first. Once we get that belt–and we will because it’s inevitable–we’ll make it our mission to be the best. That’s the position that counts.”

Another much nastier reporter regurgitates rumors of her “being nothing more than a crazy cosplayer.” To this, the Muse cackled.

“Where’d you get that ancient rent-an-insult? Goodwill? Salvation Army? The clearance section of your local dollar store? It’s like slipping on an already used, virus riddled, holey-like-your-socks condom and expecting to come out clean. You’re just making yourself look stupid. Not to mention all the hundreds of people who said that are, y’know, no longer among the living. Food for thought.”

The last question is an obvious one: what’s next? “Punting the skull of whoever is in front of us. What else is there?”

• • “Who cares?”

This was Teddy Palmer’s initial response when presented Anna Daniels’ post-match tantrum by reporters. After further pushing for a detailed response, Teddy reluctantly let his “devil may care” wall fall, his trademark smirk fading.

“I think it’d be in our resident “Time Lord’s” best interest to travel back a few hours and attempt a more humble approach, rather than presenting herself as an entitled loser. Not liking me and being bitter about her loss is one thing. There are plenty of days I don’t like myself, so that, I get. But shitting on PRIME, The Universal Championship and it’s rich history, and more importantly, a tournament named in honor of our fallen brother, Seymour Almasy, is as classless and pathetic as it comes. This is so much fuckin’ more than a ‘feather’ in one’s cap. Some food for thought, perhaps?”

His smirk re-emerged.

“But then again, what do I know? I’m just a small town boy with big dreams and pepperoni nips. I’ve shifted my focus to my longtime best frenemy, and the REAL main event of ReVival 5.”

He pumped his fist in excitement.

“Jiles, buddy! We did it! We escaped the tyranny of Chicago!”

He wiped a crocodile tear from his eye.

“Let’s make mama bear proud!”

• • After appearing in the opening segment of the evening, Dusk proceeded to buy hot dogs for The Angelo Luchador, Impulse, Cally, and Tapioca Puddings. Cally proceeded to eat three hot dogs though she yelled at the vendor for not having Dijon mustard and Impulse proceeded to shove said vendor into a trash can and ate four more hot dogs as a result. The Anglo Luchador ate seven hot dogs and it is not known if his condiment of choice was IcyHot or not. Dusk ate one hot dog. Tapioca Puddings ate three hot dogs and stuffed seventeen more down his pants for unknown reasons. It is rumored that Chad Kyle made an appearance and put ketchup on a hot dog and was immediately sent to federal prison where he is awaiting a trial for charges that are described as “crimes against humanity” and signed off by a DA only known as “L. Troy.”
  • When asked if she had anything to do with Chad Kyle winding up in federal prison, Lindsay Troy simply gave this reporter a Timberlake Stare™ and then proceeded to call SHOOT Project President “Real Deal” Josh Johnson about getting Kyle bailed out.
  • It is reported Darin Zion left the MGM Grand after getting destroyed by Shawn Warstein and was planning on going on a rager to include a session of self-love.
  • When Jonathan-Christopher was asked about his victory, Vickie said “we are thrilled at our first win in PRIME. To walk into this prestige company and succeed right away, it is magical.”

Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher began a long embrace soon after.

When asked about the 5 Star Championship spot at the upcoming pay-per-view, Vickie replied with her head nestled into The Forever Man’s chest. “Divine, just divine.”

Vickie extended an offer to the other winners of their scramble matches, regarding a Hallmark branded WATCH PARTY on ReVival #5. Vickie said the other challengers could get to know each other better and witness first-hand the two remaining 5 Star contests. An actual quote would have been taken but Vickie was busy kissing and staring into her ALP’s eyes in-between commenting so this reporter is paraphrasing.

“The tall girl, what’s her name?” Vickie inquired. We assume she meant Cecilia Ryan. “Probably hard for her to find The One, you know?”

Vickie said the couple will return to the MGM Grand for a heavenly night of passion. It is also believed Vickie was completely disgusted at something Cancer Jiles said backstage. Jonathan-Christopher did not provide any additional thoughts.

• • Timo Bolamba was seen buying dinner for the officiant crew at Top of The World. After the meal, they went to see “Michael Jackson ONE” by Cirque de Soleil.
  • Kenny Freeman sent out a tweet congratulating PRIME on a wonderful fourth edition of ReVival, also stating his excitement for the semifinals of the Almasy Invitational and the shenanigans of both Blue Live Crew and the Egg Bandits.

An unknown source later replied, “You don’t even go here, Kenny Freeman. Nobody knows who you are.” Kenny replied to this with a sad face emoji.

• • King Blueberry was not immediately available for comment after the events of the evening. A representative from the MGM Grand, identified simply as Mark, was adamant that he be allowed on record stating, “I didn’t even know he had a tazer, honestly. I have no idea where that came from, or how he got it past security, but tell Mister Beauregard that it was as much a shock to me as it was anyone else.”

When asked if that was a deliberate pun, Mark stated, “I need this job! Please, please I need this job so bad!”

• • After a video package for “The Glue Factory” aired on ReVival, we tried to get further details on the source of the footage. Anyone with knowledge appears to be keeping their lips sealed with backstage reaction reported to have been “confused” and “a little bit unsettled.” All we can confirm at this time is “The Glue Factory” in whatever form it exists is heading for Culture Shock on April 1st.
  • After dealing with the slew of angry phone calls about “Muriel’s Stuff,” Melvin Beauregard was reportedly amazed that the Grand Garden Arena had so many people inside. PRIME is showing to be a draw for the hotel and the casino, with many patrons placing bets on the UFC card the day after ReVival. Reportedly the MGM sportsbook saw a 10% increase in bets placed. Also, the MGM Grand will be discounting cabana rentals at the pool on Tuesday to anyone with a PRIME event ticket. When asked for a comment about the promotion Melvin had this to say: “What an incredible deal for our wrestling fans, and what a great way to keep the pool full of beautiful people the way it is meant to be. Pizza will be served at our new Cabana Food Services every ReVival show day. In addition, our entertainers will be playing Name That Tune at noon, along with Flip Cup at the pool bar at 2:30. Thank you.”