Culture Shock News and Notes

• • PRIME medical staff checked out Dusk after his brutal assault by the seven-foot giant simply known as “Hank.” After primarily focusing on his head and neck to see if he had any serious injuries, Dr. Astrid Fihlguud diagnosed “The Lost Soul” with a concussion. When PRIME reporter, Angelica Brooks, tried to talk to Dusk after the show, he was not in the mood to talk about the attack, his thoughts on Phil Atken, or any potential injuries. 

It has been confirmed that Dusk will not be at the next ReVival due to his concussion but is expected to be back the following show, as long as he passes the concussion protocol tests PRIME has put in place.

 

• • Asked to comment on Phil Atken’s return to wrestling at Culture Shock, HOW Commissioner Cecilworth Farthington raised a quizzical eyebrow at our reporter, stating, “Pretty sure that man died in a ditch.”

 

• • The Anglo Luchador passed all medical tests after his match with Balaam. He was in considerably worse spirits when his wife informed him of a business deal between her company and PRIME…

 

• • Speaking of this, PRIME has entered into several deals for medical supplies and equipment with companies across the globe. Notable among these companies is East Coast Medical, which is the company Tamara Mooney-Battaglia is Executive Vice President of Sales. If you do not recognize that name, she is the wife of PRIME superstar The Anglo Luchador. PRIME chairwoman Lindsay Troy said of the deal, “All bids we received were competitive and winning proposals were selected from multiple vendors. We believe in the products that all these companies produce to keep our wrestlers healthy and strong, and that includes East Coast Medical. Even though one of our employees was misrepresenting ECM on our social media channels, we feel confident in our new relationship with them.”

 

• • Several former PRIME and Primetime Central alumnus were in attendance for Culture Shock, including Team VIAGRA (who appeared in a vignette with Tag Team Survivor competitors), Sonny Silver, “The Codemaster” Allen Brown, Captain Suleimon, Vivica J. Valentine, Ian Nackedy, Gildenstern, and Chandler Tsonda. All were said to have been impressed with the show and the caliber of the roster.

 

• • Joe Fontaine is said to be doing fine after taking a Canadian Destroyer from a mannequin. Somehow. We’re all still trying to work out how that happened. Although described as “fine,” Fontaine didn’t seem to know where he was, what he was doing, how he got there, what the hell happened, or why everyone was laughing at him so much.

 

• • Sidney Phillips, Joe Fontaine’s tag partner in the Winds of Change, has been fined $1,000 for every powerbomb dished out on an Enemigo during the Rock n Roll Survivor challenge, for a total of $23,000. Said Lindsay Troy of the fine, “I’d better not see a dime of his daddy’s money to cover this, either.” When asked for comment, Sid looked white as a sheet and asked, “Is… is that a typo?”

 

• • Hoyt Williams sent a massive titan arum flower (corpse flower) to the hotel room of Brandon Youngblood congratulating him on cutting a promo that cured millions of viewers of their insomnia after he won the Universal Title. Hoyt also filed a formal letter of grievance with the Las Vegas department of Standards and Practices claiming Balaam’s mistreatment and unfairness in a televised gaming event.

 

• • Timo Bolamba brought the team of officials to celebrate at the Taco Bell VIP Lounge after Culture Shock. Things went south when Jimmy Turnbull was swindled out of $100 by Richard Karn and the referee contingent was temporarily banned from the premises. The situation has since been resolved and the group may return at their leisure.

 

• • Rezin was reportedly livid backstage following the match for the Five Star Championship, angrily demanding “a restart.” When officials made it clear that wasn’t going to happen, the Escape Artist proceeded to destroy several thousand dollars worth of cameras and production equipment. 

He somehow managed to take out three of the five Enemigos over the course of his rampage before the collective efforts of security and staff succeeded in expelling him from the arena. As he left, he loudly proclaimed, “This ain’t the end, PRIME! This fire has only begun to burn! HIGH’ll be back!”

Lindsay Troy is said to be considering an alternative punishment to a fine since, “I know that idiot has no money.”

 

• • We tried to get a word from Tapioca Puddings following his huge, albeit asterisked victory. However, his “Pubic Relateons” (sic) representative (guess who) advised that they would be doing no interviews unless there was a camera around, so they’d have to wait until ReVival 6. Important to note that Tapioca did not seem especially happy about his first singles win. That said, he was spotted later in the MGM Grand Casino placing a single quarter he found in a slot machine. He then immediately left without pulling the lever out of fear of being seen, retreating back to his hotel room to enjoy a night without his sister.

 

• • Roderick McRatrick was found roaming the desert outside Henderson, disoriented and disheveled. When told about the order from PRIME chairwoman Lindsay Troy to shoot him on sight if he came near the MGM Grand, he shook his head and asked the reporter if he wanted to buy some NFTs.

 

• • Kenny Freeman posted on social media to congratulate PRIME on a very successful PPV event at Culture Shock, thanking fans for their support as he and Randall Schwartz managed to (somehow) get past week one of the Survivor Tag Team Challenge. He was then bullied by the many bots using the platform, being told “it’s called a Premium Live Event now” and that despite finally arriving in PRIME, no one continues to know who the hell Kenny Freeman is.

 

• • Rumors circulating that Doozer has filed a formal complaint with corporate regarding the alleged gimmicking of his sneakers by new Operations Assistant/Intern Kendra Collier. When asked what was being done to resolve the conflict, Lindsay Troy was paraphrased as saying that since Kendra had denied any involvement and that there was no physical proof, disciplinary action would not be taken. If someone is able to find Doozer, please let him know.

 

• • Culture Shock marked the PRIME debut of second-generation wrestler Nate Colton. When asked how he felt after the first round of the Survivor Tag Team Challenge, he was quoted as saying, “I…don’t…know.”

 

• • The MGM Grand Casino and Resort is said to be very pleased with the spectacle that was Culture Shock. When asked for comment Melvin Beauregard had this to say: “Holy hell, I didn’t realize how many smelly, overweight, middle aged men we could fit in the arena… but that thing was PACKED.”

Additionally, The MGM Grand would like to ask King BlueBerry and the rest of team DUI to return the rest of the tribal council set. If not returned in pristine condition, the MGM will work with PRIME management to institute fines. 

Melvin also added, “Please, ask Bobby Dean to stop heading to the buffet an hour before closing time. If he shows up at the back door after closing time, we will send him back to his room with everything uneaten.”

 

• • Though the Fighting For Nora Foundation reported another successful night of donations, the bake sale sponsored by Nothing Bundt Cakes was cut short after Bobby Dean collided into the stand and propelled cake into the crowd and got chocolate ganache all over FFNF Chairperson Shweta Kallemullah’s pantsuit. The Foundation has decided not to seek reimbursement from Dean or the eGG Bandits, citing that “Bobby looked so happy eating the splattered cake that it was all worth it.”

Lindsay Troy has offered to cover the dry cleaning bill for Shweta’s suit and remarked, “Good thing it wasn’t white, huh.”

 

• • At least one reporter was able to see Doozer after Culture Shock came to an end. When asked to comment around shoegate, The Elder Bandit responded, “No.” When asked to comment about MGM’s demand for the tribal council set to be returned in perfect condition, The Boston Bruiser responded, “I didn’t take that shit. Pretty sure it was that Blueberry moron. Or his stupid doll.” When asked if he really thought El Hijo del Super Cool Guy stole the set, The Old Bull shot the reporter such a look of disgust that they didn’t press further for an answer. When asked about the Bundt cake crash, The Dooze pinched his nose between his eyes and shook his head, adding “Are we done here?” The reporter relented, but asked for just one more question. When said question ultimately asked the Geriatric Grappler whether or not he believed Bobby Dean would avoid the buffet, as formally requested, and only show up at closing for leftovers, Doozer simply walked away. More to come… but probably not.

 

• • Teddy Palmer was spotted exiting the MGM moments before the finals of the Almasy Invitational was set to take place. When asked why he wasn’t staying for the Main Event, he was blunt in his response.

“Because it doesn’t fuckin’ matter. I’m not in it, and realistically was never given a fair shake from the get go. What’s the point hanging around to watch one of those assholes handed the Championship that Troy is making sure I’ll never get anywhere near?”

When pressed to elaborate, Palmer proceeded to go on a tangent.

“It’s pretty clear to me that it’s a case of the haves and the have-nots. Me and Red are working on a per-match basis and pretty much everyone else in this place has a nice, standard contract, don’t they? There’s no job security for us. No stability.”

When it was suggested that the per-match contract might be due to the pair’s past reputation for shenanigans over seriousness, the Wayward Son sneered and pressed on.

“Don’t you think it’s funny how when Balaam was beating the holy hell out of Jiles, the ref intervened and disqualified that mound of bitch tits, but fast forward a week and The Bandits are not only allowed to hang out at ringside during the final four, but interfere in front of Barlow numerous times? And what did it lead to? I ate a fuckin’ horseshoe on the chin. Disqualification though, right? Fuck no! Troy willingly let the final four become a mockery to ensure she wouldn’t have to sit ringside while I was in the finals.”

When the Universal Title number one contendership four way was brought up, he pulled no punches.

“Oh yeah, you mean the match I wasn’t medically cleared for because a horseshoe to the head results in a Grade 3 Concussion? The match I had no choice but to participate in because, again, Troy has me on a per match deal? The match that had two participants who lost in the Elite 8? Yeah, that opportunity given by El Tee was nothing more than an advertisement ploy, throwing my name on the Main Card to sell tickets.”

As he exited into the dark Vegas night, one final question was asked of the irate Superstar: Is this the last we’re going to see of Teddy Palmer in PRIME?

“Guess you’ll have to wait and see….won’t you?”

 

• • It Takes Tuber to Tango, the world-renowned potato buffet/dance club, surprisingly reported that the patronage of Garbage Bag Johnny and Muriel Puddings was fantastic, and would welcome the two back anytime despite their very healthy appetites. One busboy relayed to us that “they were just handing out $20 bills to everyone on staff and were so nice to us, then they just absolutely tore up the dance floor — the bearded guy was Cat Daddying and the lady in the dog shirt was Bankhead Bouncing fucking everywhere! Shit was lit, man.”

 

• • According to reports coming from behind the scenes at Culture Shock, The Montgomery Twins are *not* officially signed to PRIME and were escorted from the building following the brutal assault on Solomon Richards. When asked for a comment, Jacob Mephisto simply shrugged his shoulders and smirked before simply saying, “Kids.”

 

• • Google search trends for “balsamic vinegar chips” spiked 1500% in the Las Vegas area after FLAMBERGE’s appearance at Culture Shock. Brets is reportedly “very happy” with their sponsorship arrangement with the French talent and there is speculation that Mr. Darby is looking to expand Brets’ long-term partnership with PRIME as a whole.

 

• • Newly crowned Five Star Champion, Hayes Hanlon, was found backstage shortly after recording. When asked for a comment on being the first champion of the ReVival era, he blinked twice and almost fainted, but instead vomited into a nearby trash can. Nova was present, who told reporters to, “just give him a minute.”

 

• • “You know, we were pissed off for a bit about how everything went down,” spoke Anna Daniels to our reporter drones after Culture Shock went off the air. “And honestly, we damn sure deserve to be pissed. Part of our failings in that match wasn’t from the fellow combatants but from outside interference.” 

She didn’t specify but casted one hell of a side eye at a picture of Violence Jack.

“Mainly, we’re just pissed at ourselves. We made a fucking deal and we didn’t get our part of it done. It’s frustrating and gives us a mild urge to go to Impulse’s room and cause enough brain damage to steal his spot. We’re not above that sort of thing.”

She then put up two fingers to her face as if smoking a cigarette and grimaced upon realising that there was, in fact, no cigarette. She then cleared her throat.

“But we’re not at that point of blind fury to be doing irrational things. Instead, we’ll simply refocus and murder everybody on this roster until we make it to the promised land. Besides, it wasn’t an entire waste.”

She smirked before giving us a sample of what she was listening to on her earphones. It sounded like the faint screaming of an upset Teddy Palmer talking about concussions, his disgust of being forced into fighting Elite Eight contenders, and something about Lindsay Troy.

“We’ll take the big L and the little w. For now.”

 

• • In the aftermath of Culture Shock, Almasy Invitational Winner and new PRIME Universal Champion Brandon Youngblood was seen having difficulty moving around the backstage area due to an apparent leg injury suffered during the main event contest. It should be noted that Cancer Jiles targeted Youngblood’s left knee on multiple occasions in their contest, so the direct moment the injury occurred is impossible to pinpoint. PRIME officials are not concerned about the severity of the injury, stating “Youngblood, while visibly hobbled with apparent difficulties in his left knee, was able to attend all post-event press activities and was in high spirits.” When asked if he’d been medically cleared by Head Physician Dr. Astrid Fihlguud at any juncture directly after the event or within 24 hours of its postscript, PRIME officials refused to comment.