Rumor Mills: May 4 Edition

Hello and welcome to the first edition of the Rumor Mills. Matt Mills here with a round-up of some of the juiciest tidbits and outright outlandish rumors coming out of Entertainment Capital of the World. Let’s get right to it.

• • Celebrity Chefs across the country are vying to be apart of PRIME’s Survivor contest. The cause? Having your dish called gross by Bobby Dean would be a huge honor, and the only chance these brilliant chefs will ever have to get back at The Beautiful Man From Honalee for all the checks he’s skipped town on over the years.

 

• • Rumor has it, Vegas is putting heavy odds toward a tie in the upcoming Survivor challenge. Thoughts are, Bobby Dean will eat everything, all at once. More to come… maybe.

 

• • Jax Mollineaux, INDEPENDENT REPORTER of facts, truth, and no-spin, has reported that the Office of Wrestler Relations and Outreach is planning on filing a censorship claim against PRIME for the banning of Gordon Oliver Powell from the Jabber platform.

HOWEVER, Mollineaux has also reported that the Office has no such plans to file claims on behalf of Roderick McRatrick, who is IP banned once a day thanks to an experimental social media moderation software called KLNSR, because he owes the Office $40,000 in back dues and scam restitution.

Mollineaux got no response from the Beauregard or Troy offices regarding the veracity of the existence of the KLNSR software.

 

• • An anonymous source from the MGM offices hinted today that TREACHEROUS TRENT, longtime nemesis of the beloved grappler GREAT SCOTT, is in negotiation to join the PRIME roster. These negotiations are allegedly still in the early stages, but when asked for comment, GREAT SCOTT told us that “THIS IS NOT GREAT NEWS TREACHEROUS TRENT IS A HECKING JERK”.

 

• • Pete Whealdon was rumored to have given up smoking.

 

• • Rumors abound at the MGM Grand. The catering budget for ReVival 7 was SLASHED by the MGM after having to refurnish an entire office for MGM’s Liaison to PRIME Melvin Beauregard. When contacted for comment all Melvin had to say was: “You’d all have done the same thing.”

 

• • Rumor has it that coffee chain The Human Bean is interested in a spokesperson deal with the Hollywood Bruvs, who are known for their fondness of Oreo Frappes, and who have been in hot water with Starbucks in the past for getting into a brawl with the eGG Bandits at one of their locations. No word yet on interest from the Bruvs camp, but sources tell us that Mikey Unlikely was overheard as saying, “How can a human be a bean?!”

 

• • Rumor is that “The Samoan Silencer” will be starring in the next video for Polynesian heavy metal band Shepherd’s Reign. Timo has stated that they are “Good friends” and he looks forward to working with them.

 

• • Rumor is that several European condiment and dip manufacturers have begun negotiations with the team of FLAMBERGE and Brets Chips. The thought is that modern marketing is about brand integration and the exponential growth factor of each additional sponsor or some other garbled mess of buzzwords.

 

• • Rumor is that the rumor mill is banning the phrase “rumor is” starting with ReVival 8. This has neither been confirmed or denied by Lindsay Troy, but based on the look our editor gave me, I can tell she’s upset.

 

• • Rumor is that the rumor mill is banning the words ‘Melvin’ and ‘Beauregard’ starting with ReViVal 8, due to the massive indigestion reported by the PRIME roster as a whole.

 

• • The Mill has refined enough grain into flour to say the other sentence starter works better.

 

• • Despite sightings of Mega Job in Las Vegas in the lead-up to ReVival 7, there does not seem to be a plan in place for the internationally popular trio to appear on PRIME television. One source suggested that they were not called upon because no one wants to devote two segments a show to those clowns ever again.

 

• • The rumor mill received the following on their private voicemail: “Hi it’s Cally! Hope you’re having a wonderful day and a better tomorrow! No tea to spill, just good vibes and happiness!” We were unable to verify anything about tomorrow at this time.

 

• • INDEPENDENT JOURNALIST Jax Mollineaux reports that Hayes Hanlon has discovered ketamine and was doing it with CGI Yoda on the strip this past Friday night.

 

• • Upon hearing some of the kinds of dishes being made for ReVival 7’s Survivor Challenge, the Dangerous Mix’s Mushigihara has been going around stating he feels like he has dodged a bullet. No stranger to consumption of mass quantities as a former sumo, he was heard to state “OSU,” which translates, of course, to “but at least all the stuff we are in training TASTED alright!”

 

• • Rumors are buzzing amongst the gamblers of Vegas that one King Blueberry will get caught sneaking food out of the local Taco Bell ahead of ReVival 7. Unfortunately for these gamblers, Vegas has several Taco Bells so no one knows where to keep an eye out.

 

• • There is an unconfirmed rumor going around that Doozer is suffering from food poisoning after a late night “training” session with Bobby Dean. Questionable decisions were made when Bobby Dean told Dooze that strip club buffets were the best buffets in the world.

 

• • Chatter backstage suggests that the Enemigos will be waiting outside the entrance at ReVival 7 equipped with a fire hose, to ensure all talents meet the minimum hygiene requirements to compete at the event.

Said one source, who requested anonymity: “That’s not very punk rock at all…”

 

• • Speculation abounds regarding King Blueberry’s presence in the PRIME tag team division. He has been spotted more than once attempting to get rid of his mannequin “partner”, El Hijo del Super Cool Guy, in backstage trash receptacles. There are unconfirmed reports that he may be looking to find a new partner in the coming weeks, though at least once source has indicated that Blueberry’s frequent trips home in between events are to reevaluate his career as a whole.