Cracking News

For immediate release:

This is the news.

A pliable source deep inside Camp Bandit reports that GREAT SCOTT IS NOT AN EGG BANDIT. YET. We’re told his chances of becoming one range from: NO, Not yet anyway, and unless Jiles jumps off the roof of the MGM Grand.

Bobby Dean and Doozer were spotted celebrating their tag team victory at Brandon Youngblood’s “Jabbered-Out” afterparty. Once the two found out what the actual party was for, it is reported they promptly left three hours later. In their defense it was an open bar, and had a nice selection of Babylonian meats.

Following his second botched attempt to overthrow PRIME, Cancer Jiles was seen with an ace bandage wrapped around his ribcage. No word on how long he’ll keep it there for, brother.

In other news:

-Jiles was last seen on the roof of the MGM Grand with an ace bandage wrapped around his ribcage. He was holding a sign for ReVival 9 in case he didn’t make it. No word on what the sign said, though a person on the scene remarked it had to do with him being special and having his own news network that supersedes PRIME’s Crumbs and Notes.

-Phil Atken has been contemplating a Glasgow smile since joining PRIME.

-Not even Future Nova is over losing in the Almasy Invitational.

-Ahead of her big ReVival 9 main event, Cecila Ryan wants to have her conservatorship disbanded because her father is eating away all her money with his former pupil Scott Stevens. The two are said to be devouring steakhouses across the greater south.

-Dusk is writing an autobiography. The title: When the Street Lights Come On. Its objective audience is old people who can’t fall asleep. So pretty much Doozer.

-The Anglo Luchador was formerly known as The Anglo Saxon.

-Garbage Bag Johnny was seen eating out of a dumpster. Upon leaving the Martin/Puddings joint residence he declined to comment on his surprising Survivor Run.