Cracking News

For immediate release:

After an extensive cryo nap, Cancer Jiles, the heralded eggsecutioner of the eGG Bandits, will enter his match against Julian Bathory at one hundred percent.

“Just in time for Nightmare, right? Lucky me. Truth be told I’ve never felt better. See, just a little bit of charcoal.” — Cancer Jiles, pointing to his spit when asked about his health at an indoor charity softball game for displaced refugees of Szedeg.

He added,

“I love a good cause.”

The event, organized by some of the forgotten “Cots for Convicts” gang, was actually just a GoFundMe for his opponent Julian Bathory.

No money was reportedly raised.

Other notes:

-The word around the locker room is that The Anglo Saxon had a wonderful time on a recent date. His right hand however exhaustedly said otherwise.

-The new Survived Cancer t-shirt has yet to sell. One spokesperson said, “Even Bathory is selling more shirts. The Replica T-Shades though, well they sell out at almost every show. The fans really like to buy them just to smash them. We only charge a dollar to begin with so most will get a few pairs.”

-Lindsay Troy reportedly contemplated putting Jiles and Bathory in the MAIN EVENT of night two, part two, round two of Great American Nightmare. It’s said that Bathory caught wind of the idea and pleaded for the match to take place in the mid card. He was adamant about most of his MESSIAH followers not being allowed to stay up that late.

-Still no official statement on GREAT SCOTT joining the eGG Bandits. Reports out of Camp Bandit say that Jiles wants his handpicked new addition in, but Bobby Dean and Dooze are hesitant to proceed. Or they haven’t been around to voice their opinion.

-Phillip Atken is still contemplating a Glasgow Smile.

-Ultraviolence is rumored to be taking place in hell this year. The tagline reads, “Please don’t freeze over.”

-The Great American Nightmare Intermission Show is being played by the Valerian Princes.