RUMOR MILLS: JULY 12TH EDITION

Hello everyone, Matt Mills here. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen and stay hydrated. Now, onto the report!

• • Roderick McRatrick was last seen in the favelas above Sao Paolo. My sources have lost touch with him. They are unsure whether he has gone underground to get an illegal Brazilian butt lift, or if he has indeed learned how to time travel.

 

• • A juicy rumor from the interwebs is that Timo Bolamba’s original barbed wire wrapped tiki torch has been stolen from its Hall of Fame exhibit. Why anyone would steal such a thing is baffling to local authorities. Timo was asked about the theft from a local beat reporter for The Nevada Independent (NOT Trent Crimm) and he said, “I haven’t seen that thing since I used it to blast Rent-a-Hero in the face. I wonder why anyone would want it?”

 

• • I have just been handed a note from Lindsay Troy which says, “Mills, stop reporting about Roderick McRatrick or else I’ll put you in the broom closet next. This is not a rumor.”

 

• • A giant gift basket full of American-branded chips, pretzels, and other snacks (complete with a teal decorative bow) was found outside FLAMBERGE’s locker after his victory at Great American Nightmare. Speculation runs rampant on who sent this gift; leading theories include Henri Lavigne, Lindsay Troy, and Rezin, though a consensus has not been reached.

There is, however, a consensus that the American-branded snacks are intended as a direct “Fuck You In Particular” to Mr. Darby, FLAMBERGE’s embattled marketing manager, thus widening the suspect pool substantially.

 

• • The news team here at PRIME has been working hard on a story that we’ve been hearing about for the last few weeks, but are waiting for confirmation before going live with all of the details.

A PRIME wrestler has been meeting with the company’s medical staff to discuss a malady of injuries and looking into their long-term health. Recently, this person suffered a vicious attack that left them sidelined. Medical staff has been running a series of tests and have referred them to specialists for additional diagnosis. Rumor is those results have come back and they are not good.

As a matter of fact, according to a source which spoke on the condition of anonymity, the recommendation from the medical team is for this competitor to retire immediately.

Because of the sensitivity of this news story, we are holding back until we receive further confirmation, but we anticipate this massive news breaking later this week. Stay tuned to PRIME-Wrestling.com for more information.

 

• • There have been reports of someone wearing an Anglo Luchador mask in Canada. This traveler has been traveling with a mask that radiates evil energy according to everyone who sees it. Is it The Anglo Luchador though? People cannot tell facially, but the body types are shakingly similar, except for the fact that some observers seeing this figure emerge from their car have noted how luscious an ass they had. However, none of them will admit to having looked at that posterior for more than a few seconds at a time.

The Anglo Luchador’s whereabouts have mostly been accounted for. He was in Vegas in the lead up to Great American Nightmare, and PRIME officials resumed close contact with him after the conclusion of his Intense Championship victory. Both his brother, Michael, his immediate family, and friend and joshi legend Pom Shinjoku have provided airtight alibis. So the question remains: who is wearing the mask, and what is the other mask they’ve been seen toting around?

 

• • The latest buzz coming from the Masters of the Multiverse camp is that the pair have come to terms on an advertising deal this past week. Details are yet to be revealed, but one small note says that sponsored posts on Jabber will NOT be part of the deal, as Randall still has yet to understand the newfangled technology.

 

• • Pete Whealdon was cited for open burning in accordance with Las Vegas statutes and was levied a small fine. He had no comment on the matter when asked

 

• • Former number one contender Impulse has been quietly out of the spotlight since his loss to Brandon Youngblood. We’ve learned that he suffered a concussion near the end of his championship match and spent a night at Sunrise Hospital for observation. Reaching out for comment, Calico Rose would only respond, “Silence is golden, brothers and sisters.”

 

• • Chipotle Restaurants have allegedly issued an apology to Melvin Beauregard for forgetting his fork a few weeks ago and have given the MGM Liaison a gift certificate to make amends for the oversight.

 

• • Rumor  has it that a new addition to the PRIME medical team could be forthcoming in order to help Dr. Astrid Fihlguud manage the many maladies of the roster. We’ll have more information to report within the next week or two.