THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN. YOUR STREAM WILL BEGIN SHORTLY.
After a few minutes of this screen and some sweet prog rock jamz, it fades away, replaced by video of two men. On the left, a bald, black man in a tan suit that looks very professional. On the right, an old white man in a teal suit jacket, t-shirt, and gray toupee that very much does not. These are your hosts for the evening.
Colin Miller: Hello, viewers! Welcome to the official announcement stream for the 2022 Milo Flynn Cup! I’m Colin Miller of Rust Belt Wrestling, and I’m joined by Midwest Wrestling Kartel’s own “Electric” Eric Love!
Eric Love: WHO LOVES YA, BABY! It’s time to find out which teams are going to be part of the biggest wrestling event of the summer! Sixteen teams are going to give it everything they got, ‘cause there’s only one trophy!
Colin Miller: We’ve got a great mix of old favorites and new faces for this year’s tournament. Let’s meet the teams that will be competing for the Flynn!
The screen changes from two eager announcers to a still photo of two grizzled wrestlers. They are dressed as pirates; the one on the left has an eyepatch, while the one on the right seems to be short a few teeth.
THE SEA DOGS
Colin Miller: Well, it just wouldn’t be the Flynn Cup without “Salty” Pete Yardley, the only man to have competed in every tournament since we started back in 2013. Unfortunately, he hasn’t made it out of the first round since his old partner, “Jolly” Roger Morgan, retired in late 2015. Since then, the 30-year veteran has been teaming with “Scurvy” Joe Raleigh as the Sea Dogs. Is this the year they finally break out?
Eric Love: I wouldn’t bet on it.
Another picture comes up, this time of two wiry men in masks. They seem to have a hot pepper-themed motif.
THE SPICY BOIS
Eric Love: The Spicy Bois are back!
Colin Miller: Indeed they are! Ancho Man and the Cayenne Kid have been fixtures in the tournament since 2017, although much like the Sea Dogs, they haven’t had much luck. Still, these talented and exciting lucha libre stars are loaded with talent, and perhaps this is the year that they can translate that to success!
The next still and caption cross-fades in, and if you’ve ever watched Bang! Pro Wrestling, you know who these guys are.
Eric Love: Well, what can you say about these guys? They’ve been a cornerstone for the tournament, with six appearances and two finals, but they’ve never managed to claim the trophy itself. Their battles in Japan are still considered must-watch affairs for any wrestling lover. Coral Avalon and Franco Marchesi are among the best of the best, and they’re hoping that 2022 will be their year in the Flynn Cup.
Colin Miller: Coral Avalon has ties to PRIME as well, and he’s not the only one!
Next, a picture of an American cruiserweight and a Japanese heavyweight.
Eric Love: Dangerous Mix are a tag team with a legacy of success. David Fox and Mushigihari are stars in DEFIANCE as well as PRIME, and they’re looking to extend that into the Milo Flynn Cup. These ring vets are savvy, skilled, and set to make a strong showing in Minneapolis! Or, in the word of the team’s big man…OSU!
The next picture features a man with a very punchable face, and another who looks like the weird guy at your local bar.
MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE…B-TEAM
Colin Miller: And here’s another representative from PRIME! Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz have been raising hell in the tag team division AND the space-time continuum! You’ll need to keep your head on a swivel to keep up with these two cagey performers. When they’re at ringside, anything can happen.
Eric Love: So cool to see PRIME represented in the tournament this year.
Colin Miller: And they’re not the only major promotion involved, as Missouri Valley Wrestling has sent us another entrant!
Remember just a second ago, when we said Kenny Freeman has the most punchable face? We’ll have to issue a correction when the new picture comes up, this one featuring two tough-as-nails wrestlers and a manager so obnoxious that just looking at him feels like how nails on a chalkboard sounds.
DARK OVERLORDS OF WRESTLING
Colin Miller: Missouri Valley has sent another representative this year, and once again they do not disappoint! Justin Sufferable and Triple R are recent MVW Tag Team Champions, and along with their legendary manager, “Legendary Manager” Jackson C. Horne, they will be a force to be reckoned with for sure!
Eric Love: MVW’s got a lot of really good tag teams, and their reps always do well in the tournament. We’ll see if that holds true again this year!
Colin Miller: We’ve also got a number of first-time entrants this year! Like these two…
Now, the screen shows a chubby, unkempt, grouchy-looking man with a shirt advertising for “The Lefty Leaks Podcast.” Next to him is a stunning–and very, very pink–young lady with a big smile.
PODCASTER BF AND eGIRL GF
Eric Love: And I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this next team! Well, half of them. Peach Backshots is a star in the making; this badass beauty has been driving crowds crazy with her arsenal of high-flying moves and her bodacious, outrageous, bounce-a-quarter-off-and-get–
Eric’s impassioned speech is interrupted by a torrent of water, thrown from a bucket just off screen.
Colin Miller: Now is the perfect time to remind everyone, but especially Eric, that one of core tenets of the Milo Flynn Cup is treating all performers respectfully, no matter what they look like. Thanks to our production assistant Dave for the assist.
Eric Love: Felix Mullen is there too.
The next tag team to grace the screen is a pair of young Native American men in baggy shorts. The smaller one is wearing a baseball jersey; the larger is wearing a white shirt. Both have red bandanas on their heads.
Eric Love: Representing First Nation Wrestling are Connor Jandreau and Nicholas Spotted Horse, known together as NDNation. They were trained by Joshua Two Bulls, one of the country’s top Native American stars of the 90’s, and a founder of 1NW. Connor’s speed and Nicholas’s power could prove to be a dangerous combination.
Colin Miller: You’ve seen these guys in action a few times, right?
Eric Love: They’ve put in a few appearances in the Kartel, and they’ve looked really good. Lot of potential in these guys.
Their picture fades out, and the shot that fades in is…well, it’s not what one would expect, that’s for sure. There are three people in the scene; the first looks fairly normal, wearing a red bandana and tearaway pants. The second, still not that weird in the context of wrestling; he is a masked man wearing all gold and black, with a flowing red cape.
No, it’s the third person. Short, stout, and absolutely covered with hair. Did you ever see the movie “Critters?” Kinda like that. His smile is…unnerving.
LOS REBELDES DEL BIEN
Colin Miller: Probably the weirdest of this year’s entries is Los Rebeldes del Bien.
Eric Love: That’s saying a lot, in a group that includes pirates, peppers, and people who deal with alternate realities.
Colin Miller: Pedro Gonzales and Persona Non Grata make up the team, but they are often aided in matches by their…manager?…Mestizo. They’re new as a tag team, so they might not have the teamwork that others do, but I feel like with them around, anything could happen.
Eric Love: I heard that Gonzales is undead?
Colin Miller: We cannot confirm that at this time.
Their photo, mercifully, fades away, replaced by two guys who look more at home in 80’s primetime TV than a wrestling ring. The guy on the left is VERY Magnum P.I., whereas his partner is a bit more Miami Vice. Their mustaches are glorious.
Colin: These two graduates of Stracker’s School are short on experience but long on desire. Chaz Maximum and Drake Justice have only been wrestling for a few years, and have only started teaming in preparation for this tournament. I can’t wait to see what they can do!
Another picture. This team is comprised of two young women with a bit of a cyberpunk aesthetic–wild hair, wild clothes, and a look in their eyes that says these two are not to be trifled with…or trusted.
THE NEW WORLD TRASH
Colin Miller: Bex Savage and Angel Quinley are fairly new to the world of wrestling, but they’ve already set the Pacific Northwest on fire with their look, skills, and attitude. They’ll take any risk if it means getting a win…and sometimes when it doesn’t!
Eric Love: A couple of devil-may-care dames who are easy on the eyes and hard on the bones! You are speaking my language, Colin!
Colin Miller: Careful, Eric. Dave has another bucket on standby.
Eric Love: Won’t be necessary. The next couple of teams have been to the Flynn Cup before, in one form or another. Let’s take a look at these semi-familiar faces!
Next: two men in similar gear–mid-thigh trunks with a white stripe up the side, white MMA gloves, and ring jackets with their first names on them. The main difference in the gear is that one’s primary color is red, the other is green. The main difference between the men is that one is about 6’ and built like a cruiserweight; the other is half a foot taller and built like a tank.
Colin Miller: The Coltons, Benjamin and Dennis, are the son and nephew of wrestling legend Jake Colton, and much like Benny’s older brother, Nate, they are considered hot prospects in the world of wrestling. They had an unceremonious exit from last year’s tournament, but now they’ve got an extra year of experience and a whole lot of fire in their eyes.
Eric Love: They’ve got a lot to live up to, with Jake’s legacy and Nate’s early success in PRIME. We’ll see if these hotshots can keep the family tradition going.
Our next team is a black man with red liberty spikes and a white man with a blue mohawk. Both men have taped fists and Union Jack t-shirts. Are their fists also wrapped in barbed wire? Of course they are.
Eric Love: We’re also stoked to welcome back London Underground, a pair of bruisers from across the pond that are no strangers to wild brawls or even hardcore action! Ian Baxter and Turk Donovan appeared in the 2018 and 2019 events, where they turned–and kicked–a lot of heads. I can’t wait to see what they’ve learned in the last three years!
The screen transitions to another new team; two young women in singlets and skirts. One is obviously of Chinese descent, with her clothes colored in yellow and red; the other is Puerto Rican, with a white, blue, and red color scheme.
NEW EAST SIDE ANGELS
Colin Miller: This team is another legacy with a new twist. The original East Side Angels–Danielle Avery and Miranda Xu–were a force to be reckoned with in the tournament in years past. But now Miranda is here with a new teammate, Carmen Mercado-Cruz. Carmen is the younger sister of Tonia Mercado, friend and mentor to the original Angels. The new combination of Xu’s striking ability and Carmen’s high-flying will be a lot of fun to watch in this year’s tournament.
Eric Love: Holy cats, Colin! This is already a killer lineup, but something tells me we’ve got a couple of surprises in store. Maybe…a previous tournament winner?
Colin Miller: Nope.
Eric Love: No?
Colin Miller: No…we’ve got TWO previous tournament winners!
Eric Love: OH SHI–
As our censor does their job, the next photo comes up. On the left is an enormous man-mountain with malice in his eyes. On the right is a tall, slender woman, who might actually look meaner than her tag team partner.
Eric Love: Oh, BABY! Daryn Thompson and Bracken Krueger are back again! These two absolutely WRECKED SHOP in their previous appearances, winning the whole thing in 2019! Thompson is a third generation superstar who’s won titles all over the world, and still feels like she has a lot to prove. Krueger is a GIANT DAMN MAN who just loves to hurt people. I can’t wait to see them back in action!
Colin Miller: No doubt, Eric. But don’t put their names on the trophy again just yet, because they’ll also have THESE guys to contend with…
The final picture comes onto the screen. Two men–one considerably taller than the other, but not that much heavier–with huge, ridiculous smiles. Why are they holding puppets? None of your damn business.
SOUND & FURY
Colin Miller: Now here’s a pair who need no introduction. Ian Nackedy and Gildenstern, Sound & Fury! They made their name in the National Wrestling Council, where they set the record for longest World Tag Team Title reign in history. They’re also no strangers to our event–they won the 2017 Flynn Cup, defeating the Crownless Kingdom in an absolute barnburner of a final!
Eric Love: I can’t believe this lineup, Col. This is going to be the biggest and best Flynn Cup yet!
Colin Miller: That’s right, so don’t wait to get those tickets–they’re selling fast! As a reminder, net proceeds from the event go to shelters and other forms of aid for the homeless population of the Twin Cities. Thank you so much for tuning in tonight, and we’ll see you on August 27 and 28 for the 2022 Milo Flynn Cup!