Cracking News

For immediate release:

With the recent “bombshell” that PRIME would be taking the act on the road after COOLossus, one is left to wonder the success of such an endeavor without a UNIVERSAL Champion? At least that was the sentiment coming out of Cancer Jiles before boarding his private jet to take a nap.

“I’m glad they’re making plans to fill the seats. She is certainly are going to need them. And as for me, well, I’ll be in one of those seats. Laughing. Chiding. Belittling. After all, I’m a nice guy. I steal from the rich. I do charity dunk tank work. I’m not above pitching in for a good cause, and believe you me there is no better cause going than sitting idly by with a bag of popcorn in my lap and watching PRIME fail miserably.”

He added,

“Make no mistakes about it– that’s what ReVival is without Cancer Jiles. That’s what PRIME is without an honest, dignified, righteous Champion for the guys and gals in the back to look up to and admire. An absolute, one hundred percent, guaranteed, miserable. FAILURE.”

Of course, these comments come on the heels of Jiles losing his appeal to get his $97,097 fine reduced.