RUMOR MILLS: NOVEMBER 1ST EDITION

Hello everyone, Matt Mills here, letting you know that if you were looking for Reese’s Pumpkins at any CVS within a two mile radius of the MGM Grand, they are all unfortunately sold out. Now, onto the rumors!

• • A number of curious purchases attributed to the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School have made the rounds, including several matching T-shirts, Styrofoam, cardboard, paint, and Glue Factory-branded glue. While sources are mum as to what all of this material is to be used for, one trainee speaking under the condition of anonymity said, “We don’t know what Mr. Avalon has planned, but we’re all terrified. Any time he comes up with a weird idea for training, it never ends well, and this *screams* ‘weird idea.'”

Avalon is also rumored to be sending five of his best and brightest to the Belmont Cup in December, which is already shaping up to be one to watch.

 

• • It is heavily rumored that Eddie Cross is being courted by several professional teams for a spot on their Dota2 squad.

Dave Gibson, when asked about the rumors was quoted as saying “What’s a Dota2? Wait, aren’t kids still playing Punch-Out? Man that was a great game. The whole point was to punch people until they were out. Oh, and no comment, we have training to do. His wrist control technique is sloppy.”

More scintillating rumors fresh off the sizzling wagon of scandal to come.

 

• • Since the appearance of popular teenage influencer and wrestling reviewer Deb Warenstein on PRIME’s Jabber platform, it’s rumored that Melvin Beauregard has been desperate to sign her to a PWA reporting contract, going so far as to blow up her parents’ phones at all hours of the day and night. When asked for comment, Deb replied, “Ew, he’s weird, and his hair is bad, and I don’t work with uggos.”

 

• • Former PRIME wrestler Captain Suleimon was spotted during a tense situation at the Philadelphia Zoo with a distressed man attempting to leap into the Amur tiger enclosure. Sources say that the man wanted to go in to “wrestle” the big cat. The unidentified man was seen speaking with Suleimon both during the standoff with zoo officials and afterwards. The zoo did not press charges. Some on the scene claimed they recognized the voice, and others swore that Suleimon referred to the man as “Tom” or as a luchador, which fuels speculation the man was PRIME Intense Champion The Anglo Luchador. However, neither Suleimon nor the Luchador’s camp has confirmed it, with the former flatly denying anything other than cursory acquaintance with the man. We’ll keep you posted if anything else comes from this.

 

• • Some interesting news out of Arabi, Louisiana, the town near New Orleans that houses the Gray’s Wrestling Academy. Or should I say…what used to be the Gray’s Wrestling Academy?

A source told us that the big sign in front of the building was taken down this week, and a delivery truck brought three large letters that are currently in the front yard. The letters are F, F, and N, which is perplexing because as far as we are aware, the Fighting For Nora Foundation was disbanded once Paxton Ray turned on his partner. We have not confirmed what the letters stand for, but suffice it to say that changes are happening at Rhine’s Wrestling School.

 

• • “The Event Horizon” Hayes Hanlon has come under fire for recent comments made about the Love Convoy.

In an interview shortly after ReVival 17, he referred to the Convoy’s attack on Jared Sykes as “some short dick shit.” This has drawn a stern rebuke from the Short Dick Defense League, an organization that supports men with penises so underwhelming that they can’t even bring themselves to lie.

A spokesman for the organization, who did not wish to be identified, had this to say:

“We have a condition that we cannot control, and we suffer countless indignities because of it. Most of us have been bullied since middle school. When we go to the gym, we have to shower at home. Finding long-term relationships is almost impossible. People keep calling it a ‘micropenis’ even though that is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING, SERIOUSLY. Life is difficult enough already, and the last thing we need is to be compared to the Love Convoy.”

The SDDL has demanded a retraction and an apology from Hayes Hanlon as well as PRIME.

The spokesman continued, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got tee time at three.” He then got into his H2 and left.

 

• • Lots of hot goss’ to dish about coming out of the Kings of Popsicles camp. Word on the street is that mega-hottie sexpot Jared Sykes has been looking into acquiring additional life insurance coverage. While no details about possible beneficiaries have been named, we have it on good authority that the plan values into the seven figures. While this could simply be a precautionary measure given the events of recent episodes of ReVival, we have also heard through the grapevine that Sykes has been in frequent contact with Jonathan Rhine and booked a one-way plane ticket to Louisiana after Colossus. This has led to speculation that Sykes is perhaps looking to pay a visit to someone other than his friend Mr. Rhine.

Neither Sykes nor his partner Justine Calvin could be reached for comment.

 

• • Big rumors ahead of ReVival 18, as the final two names on the Duck list have been spoiled! We’re told that Duck will finish out its career by taking on Ethel Rosenbloom, the elderly woman who doesn’t understand that birds can’t digest bread but still tries to feed it anyway, and Sally McDevitt who refuses to stop chasing Duck around the pond every chance she gets. While we don’t know the order in which these matches will happen, we here at the Rumor Mills desk are sure that they will both be lively contests!

 

• • Joe Fontaine allegedly spent an inordinate amount of time showing off his “Saikyo-style karate” at a Halloween party thrown by Rezin. Witnesses described Joe as rolling around on the floor in a pink gi, holding his fist up in the air, and shouting “YAHOO!” at the top of his lungs. At one point, he performed a “super taunt” by doing this multiple times in a row, followed up by jumping high into the air and landing in a pose that stuck his ass out while giving a thumbs up. He was said to be escorted out not long after when he attempted to perform “Dan kicks” and went through a table.

While it’s a party thrown by Rezin and drugs are sure to be involved, it’s worth noting that Joe was one of the designated drivers for the occasion and is known to be straight edge. No, he’s just weird. Like, seriously. We at Rumors Mills don’t know what’s wrong with the guy, and we deal with Dusk rumors on the regular. Seriously, we had to throw out like six rumors about Dusk actually being an anthropomorphic duck like three days from retirement. And they’re not even from the same guy!

Look, we don’t get paid enough to deal with this sort of bullshittery, is what I’m saying. We at Rumor Mills should go on strike, and–

[Editor’s Note: Gary, you’re drunk, go home.]

 

• • Another delicious rumor about the Tag Team Champions, and this one’s as juicy as a sweet summer raspberry. We’ve heard through the berry bush that Justine Calvin will not be in attendance at ReVival 18, owing to injuries that she sustained at the hands of the Love Convoy following the conclusion of ReVival 17.

When we here at the Rumor Mills desk reached out for confirmation, Justine texted us back that if we were to make any berry jokes that she would, in her own words, “fucking end us.”

 

• • In light of Coral Avalon’s booking against “the Russian Bear” Ivan Stanislav and the continued antics of GREAT BEAR, it’s believed that a member of the roster has lodged a formal complaint to HR about the increased number of bears that are now employed in PRIME.

The most recent anonymous complaint, found taped at the bathroom door of PRIME’s HR office, read, “Bears are godless killing machines. They’re engines of hate that know no powerbomb. And you expect me to be cool with sharing a locker room with them? Are you fucking for real? Please stop hiring bears! Or else I might have to start powerbombing you guys, and I don’t really want to get fined for that. I already had to give up the good beef after the Enemigo incident, and that was six months ago!”

At this time, we don’t know who sent this rumor, because there’s been lots of Enemigo incidents. And powerbomb incidents. But not a lot of both together, especially not six months ago. We’ve done, like, no research, by the way.

[Editor’s Note: Gary, we need to talk.]

 

• • We here at the Rumor Mills would like to offer our sincere apologies to Justine Calvin about a berry-related joke in a previous rumor. This was an oversight on behalf of Gary. He’s new to the team and hasn’t been brought up to speed yet.

 

• • According to various reports from internet dirtsheet supersleuths, “the Escape Artist” Rezin has come to acquire a small number of properties over the course of recent weeks.

Of note is a tenement building, warehouse, and a single-family house in his home state of Indiana, a condominium in New Orleans, and a motel in a small village on the Nevada-California line.

Speculation is abound in regards to the Five Star Champion’s plans with this sporadic investment in real estate, much less where he acquired the capital for it.

Some have said that the Goat Bastard has finally betrayed his “punk rock” principles and intends to become a slumlord sellout.

Others insist that he’s setting up an elaborate drug trafficking network that’s spanning the country.

Meanwhile, a dedicated few have pointed out that these locations reside on very important ley lines, and their deliberate positioning is meant to form an interdimensional portal to Hell that will serve as a gateway for the Dark Lord and his Armies of the Damned who will carry about the fall of mankind and usher in a new age of doom and chaos.

The hobo communities in these distant cities grumble to themselves of elaborate government conspiracies, and the proof of extra terrestrials, and Rezin being the leader of a shadow government that is made up exclusively of bums.

One guy questioned on the street postulated that maybe the dude just needs places to stay to alleviate his growing road schedule, but he was also not wearing pants and therefore cannot be fully trusted.

 

• • Since he has revealed that his tendency to only ever say the word “OSU” is an act, Mushigihara may be taking on more responsibilities beyond his role as one half of the Dangerous Mix; buzz has circulated about a new project featuring the burly wrestler as he solves mysteries with the superstars of the Harlem Globetrotters. If true, we may see the spectacular combination of basketball and professional wrestling travel the world, fight crime, and bring the dastardly Washington Generals to justice on televisions near you! Stay tuned.

 

• • Submissions for the Belmont Classic close on November 2, but it sounds like the selection committee has nearly filled out the field, barring some impressive last-minute applications. Along with several PRIME and PWA-adjacent applicants, the field is also rumored to include representatives from several major U.S.-based training academies, plus a few international wrestlers and possibly an Olympic athlete.

The lineup is expected to be announced on November 8, with the tournament now taking place December 8-10, one week before Colossus, at the Chaifetz Arena in St. Louis, MO.