- After the events of the latest ReVival, Timo Bolamba will be getting fit for a custom set of goggles ala Kareerm Abdul-Jabbar to wear specifically during Cancer Jiles’ matches.
That’s it. Short and sweet. Nothing else to see here you heathens.
- Ria Lockhart was rushed to the hospital after the attack at the hands of Sage Pontiff. This is unsubstantiated, but it’s believed she suffered a concussion, a broken nose and possibly a broken orbital bone. It’s possible she incurred even more injuries, but there’s been no word on her condition other than she’s stable. No timetable has been given for her return, meaning there’s a very real possibility that Ria could miss the Colossus PPV. We’ll release updates on her condition as they become available.
- After defending his UNIVERSAL TITLE at ReVival 18 in an absolute knee knocker against Nova, PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION CANCER JILES and the recently decreed upstart incumbent to his throne, Hayes Hanson, had to be separated yet again once both parties were backstage.
A person on the scene described the incident as being “crazy” and also had this to say, “I thought they were going to wind up fighting on the blackjack table.”
- As Cancer Jiles was heading back to his room for the night he was approached by a group of fans while waiting for an elevator. Luckily, he had his security team with him so the altercation didn’t devolve into madness.
Jiles chided the group by making jokes about Nova coming up short again, then asked if they thought Hayes was going to cry himself to sleep for the next six weeks. He also dared one of them to arm-wrestle Laser for Lady Troy’s personal cell. Then, PRIME’s Champion calmly boarded the elevator and called them all crumbs as the doors closed.
The whole thing was of course caught on tape.
- Fred Mayhew was so elated to pick up the clean win in his re-debut match that he dedicated the victory to his hometown of Fraggle Rock.
- Bobby Dean fried tears of joy after the Main Event.
- Brandon Youngblood is upset with Hayes Hanlon for switching idols.
- Julian Bathory was spotted backstage at ReVival 18. He was there not to renegotiate the terms of a new contract, nor was he back on the recruiting drive for MESSIAH. Word is Julian was backstage embracing his new role as head custodian. A source close to the report said, “The toilets have never been cleaner.”
- Fresh off announcing that he will be taking on Mike McGee and Larry Tact in a three way match on ReVival 19, Eddie Cross was quoted as saying, “You mean that guy who follows Ned Reform on Jabber like a beta wolf claiming to be HR? Good. He knows all about Health Insurance benefits then.”
As for Larry Tact, he simply said “Who? Guy’s name sounds like there an HVAC company out there somewhere missing their muscle.”
- Coral Avalon was seen walking around noticeably gingerly after his contentious loss to Ivan Stanislav on ReVival 18. When he met with reporters, he made no excuses about the result of his match despite clear video evidence of shenanigans occurring, and instead remarked, “Ivan showed me what kind of man he was in that ring tonight. We’ll leave it at that.”
In other news, it is reported that Sid Phillips was the winner of the prop bet between himself and Joe Fontaine on how far Avalon would get thrown – or yeeted – by Stanislav in the match. As a result of the victory, Sid won five dollars and a free Baconator at any participating Wendy’s.
- PRIME has learned that Justine Calvin, one half of the reigning PRIME Tag Team Champions, is ahead of schedule on her recovery following the events of ReVival 17 and is expected to be cleared to compete in time for her scheduled match with Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy.
“Looking forward to seeing him without the rest of his family,” Calvin said. “I bet things are going to be very different when he doesn’t have the rest of the Incel Alliance to back him up this time. But at least he’ll get plenty of ‘nuzzle hugs’ when it’s over. Hugs from the EMTs as he’s loaded onto a stretcher. Hugs from the nurses in the emergency room at Sunrise when they check his vitals. Hugs from the priest who’s called in to administer the last rites. And then the biggest hug of all from the attending physician who gets to pronounce time of death.”
When asked if he had any comments on what his partner had to say, Jared Sykes (King Blueberry) offered, “Wait, she said what?! Jesus.”
The Kings of Popsicles are currently scheduled to defend the PRIME Tag Team Championships at Colossus against the team of Darin Zion and Jonathan-Christopher Hall, a match that both sides confirmed during the broadcast of ReVival 18.
- Visibly frustrated after his loss to Fred “Doozer” Mayhew and the circumstances that lead to it, Mushigihara of the Dangerous Mix was able to stifle his anger long enough to sign a contract to begin work on an animated reboot of the Harlem Globetrotters series. PRIME’s Kaiju will be a guest collaborator in solving mysteries.
“We were first exposed to Mushi once he started talking openly on television,” studio representative Kent Drawman said, “and we feel like he has the kind of warm personality mixed with toughness that would make him a great character for our animation projects. We’re hoping to turn this into a long term career path for him if this initial project succeeds.”
“It’s quite a surprise and an honor,” said Mushigihara, whose real name is Eiichiro “Henry” Yamazaki. “As someone who grew up watching the old Globetrotters cartoons when they ran in syndication way back, I never imagined I’d be a part of a revival of one of those franchises! It’s an absurd kind of ride, but one I plan to savor.”
- Following his loss of the Five Star Championship to young French sensation FLAMBERGE, “The Escape Artist” Rezin had the following to say to reporters in the aftermath of ReVival 18.
“Well whaddya want me to say other than what’s obvious? I’m pissed… I’m disappointed… I’m feeling exactly as anyone would after bein’ knocked off from the HIGH-est point of their professional career. I keep thinkin’ what I did wrong in there, and my mind draws a blank. Like, goin’ with a SPEAR?! I NEVER do spears! What the FUCK was I thinkin’?
“Anyway… I probably shoulda realized that when I reached the cocaine and hookers levels of overconfidence, my days as champ were numbered. But that’s the nature of the beast. I seriously doubt this ‘Revival Era’ of PRIME we find ourselves scrapin’ through is gonna have those monster title reigns like in the old days. Cause you can be at your best night after night after night… and all it takes is one hungry challenger, and one mistake, and it all comes crashin’ down like a burnin’ government building.
“The kid was hungry. He’s got a fire burnin’ in him. He walked into that ring with somethin’ to prove, and dambed if he didn’t step up to the task. Now the burden of that title is on him.
“But me? I’m already lookin’ at the silver linin’ in this cloud of smoke. See I may no longer be the champion, sittin’ at the top of the power rankings… but now I don’t have to worry about the constant struggle of trynna stay on top. Trynna win one match after the next like some predictable machine. It was fun journey, but… honestly, it ain’t me.
“I came to PRIME with no fucks to give on my career trajectory. I didn’t come here in some pointless attempt to prove I’m ‘tHe BeSt’; I’m here for the fuckin’ love of the game. So wins or losses… titles or no titles… the people forever now know what a spliff burnin’, head turnin’, stomach churnin’, royalty spurnin’, RESPECT earnin’ sum’bish I can be!
“And right now, this ol’ dopesmoker is FREE to do and be whatever the hell he goddamb pleases!”
Following this statement, Rezin (expectedly) lit up a joint and left the MGM Grand Garden like he was the king of the world.
- FLAMBERGE certainly turned a lot of heads at ReVival 18 when he became the Five Star Champion by defeating Rezin. One of the many people paying close attention was Nate Colton, the young superstar considered by many to be the number one contender for that belt.
“Obviously, I was really looking forward to facing Rezin for the title,” he said afterwards in an interview with Tanner Quest of RingDispatch.com. “He’s been at the top of his game lately, and that would have been a great fight. But FLAMBERGE has definitely turned it up a notch since we faced off at UltraViolence; we saw that when he fought Coral Avalon and now when he won the Five Star. The first time we met, it took just about everything I had to beat him; if I want to do it again, it’s going to take even more.”
When asked about Youngblood taking the belt itself before it could be awarded to the new champion: “Oh, man. That’s a move. Brandon is scary enough when he’s just pissed off at you, so it can be easy to forget that he knows how to play mind games, too. When they finally get in the ring together…that’s gonna be a wild one.”
On his plans for the next few weeks: “Youngblood and I have a match to get ready for. I haven’t done the tag team thing for a few months, so it’ll be good to try that again. Gotta spend some time here in Vegas, too; ACE wants me in for a shoot for some new ads they’re doing. And I might have to road trip back home, because I guess I have a billboard now? Dunno what that’s about, but it’s pretty cool.”
- After hearing the rim-rocking announcement in regard to the main event for night one of Colossus, Cancer Jiles said, “Feel sorry for night one.”
- Robert Dean has a developed a mean case of planter fasciitis and was said to be in utter agony while walking down the buffet line.
- Hayes Hanlon celebrated his big win against Ned Reform by having a glass of milk and some carrots.
- To celebrate FLAMBERGE’s victory over Rezin for the Five Star Championship, The Glue Factory is planning to give him a Five Star Pool Party. Yes, it’s November, but word is out that Cecilworth Farthington invested in a Deluxe Hot Tub For Handsome Lads, providing the Glue Boiz a year-round swimsuit season.
- The lineup for the 2022 Belmont Classic will be arriving tomorrow, but more and more news seems to be leaking out of the normally tight-lipped organization. Several trainers have been upset about the rejection of one or more of their students.
Jonathan Slocumb, aka Johnny Slather (of Johnny Slather’s House of BBQ & Headlocks in Memphis, TN) has confirmed that he will only have one of his students accepted this year. “Well, that’s a gawddamn disgrace. Porky Stubbs an’ Beans McGee could both whip anyone else out there, one at a time or all at once! An’ now they tell me I gotta choose? How y’gonna have Beans without Pork? Or Pork without Beans? It’s gawddamn ridickolus, is what it is!”
Representatives of other top-flight wrestling schools, such as the Colton Academy, Wallenquist School, Spotlight, and Gates of Avalon have expressed similar concerns. These concerns were dismissed by Carter Laughlin, president of the Belmont Foundation as well as Last Laugh Productions, which has been producing wrestling broadcasts for over twenty years.
“Naturally, they all want to have their schools well represented, but the purpose of the Belmont Classic is to showcase the best and most entertaining wrestling prospects in the entire world. It is unfortunate that we do not have enough room to admit everyone they wish to send, but that is the nature of our event. There are always ruffled feathers, they will be smoothed over by the time the event begins.”