RUMOR MILLS: NOVEMBER 28TH EDITION

Hello everyone, Matt Mills here, hoping you all had a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Now, onto the rumors!

• • Roster cuts coming? With PRIME set to tour for the first time in a decade next month, rumors are swirling that not everyone on the current roster may be along for the ride.

“It’s the end of the year and myself and the Executive Staff will be taking stock of things,” said Head of Talent Relations, Matt Ward. “There are some contracts that may not be renewed so we can make room for new talent and the current talent that want to be here.”

Who could potentially be on the chopping block remains to be seen. We’ll keep you updated as we learn more.

 

• • After his impressive debut win and subsequent flattening of Mike McGee, Eddie Cross has been rumored to be linked to several high end gaming peripheral companies to replace and supply laptops.

Dave Gibson has been said to have been endorsed by the Commodore 64, so it seems this is truly a case of coming full circle.

More tales of the strange from the printing press of perpendicular truth next time.

 

• • Five open spots remain in the Belmont Classic, but nobody seems to want them. By this point, most of the alternates have found other work, or they–like the five who resigned initially–refuse to take part as long as Paxton Ray is involved.

“The Vandal” Vic Moxon, owner of Vic Moxon’s Training Facility (Condemned) in Phoenix, told us he will not be sending an alternate for Mayhem Lyons. “I mean, the Belmont was never our thing anyway. Too many rules an’ bull[censored.] But there’s some lines you don’t cross, y’know? Like, I’ll smash [censored] over someone’s head all day, but I don’t break into their house to do it,” conveniently forgetting why there are still warrants for his arrest in California.

Jonathan Slocumb has also refused to send an alternate, making this the first year without a student from Johnny Slather’s House of BBQ & Headlocks since 2014. On top of being a long-time fan favorite, Slather has helped train many of the great hosses in this sport. His presence at this year’s event will be missed by everyone in attendance.

The replacements are expected to be announced soon, and several trainers have already been approached about sending more students. Hopefully we will not see a repeat of the disastrous “One Lucky Fan” promotion of 2006, when the final entrant was selected at random from the audience. The less said about that, the better.

 

• • Coral Avalon is among the trainers associated with the Belmont Classic who has not pulled his students from the event after Paxton Ray was entered into the tournament. It’s even believed that Avalon is prepared to send the remaining members of his standout 2022 class to the event as alternates.

In light of the substitutions and the seriousness of the situation with the Belmont, Avalon has temporarily suspended plans for another of his “unusual, non-standard” training sessions until after the new year. Neighbors to the Avalon house have said that there’s now an unusual, stone-like face being housed in his garage.

It never stops staring.

 

• • Word has it that Mike McGee cooked a bag of popcorn in the PRIME office microwave. One onlooker was heard to have said “Where’s Paxton Ray when you need him?”

 

• • An unnamed source was recently asked about The Anglo Luchador’s famous manicotti recipe. The source stated that there was a secret ingredient that makes it so good, and they are pretty sure the ingredient is not, in fact love, but hatred. Either that or self loathing. It’s hard to say really.

More flaming garbage from the dumpster fire of whispers next time.

 

• • The peace summit between Joe Fontaine and El Hijo del Super Cool Guy has been seeking a mediator, and several “interesting” names have come up in the negotiations. Among the first choices was PRIME’s boss, Lindsay Troy, whose response was allegedly to call every member of Rumor Mills – or just Gary, really – and simply stare at them menacingly while feeding her owls.

Other names have included Mr. Silver, Chairman of PRIME, Killean Sirrajin, Ned Reform, at least two Power Rangers, referee Jimmy Turnbull, Tony Gamble, Tony Rolo, Tony Zatarok, Tony Rolo (yes, again), Tony Davis, and company lawyer David Walter Smith, whose response to being mentioned in this very rumor was to send a sternly-written legal letter to our office telling us to keep his name out of our Rumor Mills.

…Oops.

 

• • For the past week, Sid Phillips has been petitioning PRIME staff to ban GREAT BEAR from not only the upcoming six-man tag team match at ReVival 20, but to send him straight to the legendary “Nevada Ditch Fields”. Forever.

Naturally, these requests have been ignored, because GREAT BEAR is a good bear and a model employee of PRIME.

 

• • After the events of ReVival 19, Cancer Jiles may or may not have tried to fly away in Timo’s jet only to find that the fuel bill had no been paid and the normal crew that services and flies the jet is no longer employed to do so. An unseen source and one that leaves a shadow that weighs 10 lbs. stated there was a note left in the jet that simply said “There’s enough fuel for a round trip to your carrier and I put some money on a pre-paid card for you to hire a flight crew. After that, you’re on your own. You had a good run, kid, but all good things must come to an end. Enjoy your last few weeks as champion, I won’t be there to make sure your matches are called fair or protect you from the Bathory’s of the world anymore. Guess we’re going to see just how special you are. Or not.”

Of course, this is all just speculation.

More bear shaped good word from the pipe organs of truth next time.

 

• • Rumor has it that everything Deb Warenstein says about Ned Reform on Jabber? IT’S TRUE. Especially the one about off-brand Crocs.

 

• • Normally, we wouldn’t be reporting on happenings in Japan, but word on the street is that the Pom Academy is starting its winter break early, like in it has already started. Headmistress and namesake Pom Shinjoku is taking a monthlong sabbatical. For what? Well, we may or may not have picked up on information that she bought a plane ticket to the States with her final destination as Harry Reid International airport arriving Wednesday, November 30. Coincidence, or is she in town to catch a show?

 

• • I cannot confirm this, but allegedly, the front office has threatened anyone who gives The Anglo Luchador a sword as a birthday or Christmas present will be sternly reprimanded.

 

• • A big ‘ol downer of a rumor coming out of the holiday weekend, as reports are circulating that Duck’s final match will not be able to take place as scheduled. While we have not yet been able to confirm this, the word making the rounds is that Duck was caught in an unfortunate Thanksgiving mix-up and was roasted and eaten instead of the traditional turkey.

Despite a revolving-door of challengers in recent weeks, the latest news seemed to indicate that Duck was scheduled to duel with the legendary scoundrel PooP MixeD WitH PeE of WIWA fame. The match would have culminated a years long grudge between Duck and incontinence issues with his own cloaca, which is known to be something that men of a certain age deal with.

When reached for comment, the parents of young Sally McDevitt – long rumored to be a top candidate for “the Duck List”, said, “Stop contacting us about this.”

 

• • Hey, um, you know the new guy? The journalist? Yeah, so I hear he’s into some weird shit. Really weird shit. Like, I heard he ordered a sexy pterodactyl outfit (yes, I said sexy pterodactyl – Halloween stores have sexy everything these days) but like… For personal use. I dunno, maybe it’s bullshit, but my grandma’s ashes were warmer than usual this morning, and you know that means something’s up.

 

• • Grab your mug and get cozy, because we’re about to spill all of the tea on some of the finest artisanal, hand-crafting, locally-sourced, free-trade hot goss’ to come along in a while.

Has the Queen found her new King? With the recent news about his trivial fine for assaulting Paxton Ray, word around the locker room is that Jared Sykes, the leading contender for PRIME’s Sexiest Man, has caught the eye of the boss Lindsay Troy. Despite being quite the dashing devil, Sykes has spent the last year in PRIME masquerading as the fetishist fruit-themed sex pest King Blueberry.

The allure is simple. In addition to the many health benefits they provide, blueberries are also a tasty, succulent treat, and word around the Rumor Mills is that Sykes is one sweet and juicy berry. We imagine that Ms. Troy is enjoying plenty of her new favorite pie this holiday season.

We here at the Rumor Mills wish nothing but the best for the happy couple, as they embark on a new journey of fork(lift)ing in arenas across the country when PRIME begins its touring schedule next year!

[Editor’s Note: The staff of the PRIME rumor desk does not condone the report presented above. You’re on your own, Gary. And you’re fucked. So very, very fucked.]

 

• • Russian sightings! Notoriously grumpy PRIME superstar, Ivan Stanislav, and his diminutive curmudgeonly associate, Alexei Ruslan, were spied at the Las Vegas Sugar Factory splitting a massive hot fudge sundae and sipping on two of the restaurant’s signature goblet-style cocktails. This indulgence of what the men are sure to claim is “capitalism excess and gluttony” may come as a shock to our readers, but what is more shocking is that both men have a sweet tooth!

Stay tuned for more updates on the eating escapades of the Surly Soviets!

 

• • According to sources near to the Frenchman (as shocking as it is that said sources might exist at all), he’s become increasingly paranoid of Vegas area pot distributors, distrustfully assuming them to be connected to the Dopesmoker Rezin.

“I just figured he’d be into some THC-infused potato chips, man,” said one anonymous distributor. “Some dude called…shit, what was it, Darbo? Derbie? Some twat in a suit said it might help get him out of some ‘deep existentialist malaise’ or some shit? I unno. French dude started yelling at me in Star Trek or whatever so I bailed.”

Word also has it that he’s strongly avoided wholesome Mom & Pop shops in the Vegas area for similar Nate Colton-related excuses. A cursory poll of local shop owners who are also moms and pops found that the vast majority had no idea who FLAMBERGE was, nor how to pronounce the name.

 

• • This week we were notified of the rumored newest member of the Short Dick Defense League or SDDL for short. We reached out to the SDDL for comment and received this back.

“After the monumental tantrum the FFI has thrown over their flag being shown without it’s logo by the USSF in support of female Iranians and protestors in Iran, the SDDL would like to invite the entire Football Federation of Iran into the SDDL! Demanding that the USA forfeit their match against you is right out of the SDDL handbook, and insisting on the maximum penalty FIFA can bring while the tournament is hosted in a backwater shit hole lacking in basic human rights and decency, is a stroke of pure genius. Congratulations Football Federation of Iran, and welcome to the SDDL.”

 

• • There has been an outpouring of concern toward a key PRIME superstar as a result of one of his recent comments.

We have it on good authority that the Short Dick Defense League has contacted the company on several occasions, offering to stage an intervention for Cancer Jiles. “Nobody claims to have huge balls unless they’re in severe denial,” a spokesman for the organization said. “It’s one of the most common lies we tell ourselves. I seriously think we need to step in, for his sake.”

Apparently such an intervention would entail a long conversation with several members of the SDDL in a secured room, along with information packets about support groups and a discount card for boat dealerships. “Of course, it’s entirely possible that he’s being honest. In that case we’ll send him to a doctor, because that sounds like a pretty serious issue.”

 

• • David Fox of the Dangerous Mix has been spotted in various clubs around Las Vegas, jamming with musicians at open mics and after hours. A keen bassist, Fox has been in several bands, away from wrestling, and is a contributor to his wife Saori Kazama’s music-based YouTube channel.

Rumors have spread that Fox might be starting a new band with some of Vegas’ unsung musical heroes. Nobody knows how true this is, or what the name of said band would be, but one of the possibilities floating around is a punk or metal band called Infected Clitoral Jewelry.

 

• • There was talk of an international incident narrowly being avoided, after Rezin was forcibly thrown out of an airport over the weekend.

When asked about the incident, the Escape Artist vehemently denied that he was trying to buy passage to Sweden to burn down a giant ceremonial Christmas goat.

He then proceeded to rant against the airlines for not allowing him to check a flamethrower on an international flight.

 

• • And finally, not a rumor but actual news: Adam Ellis surprised everyone when he showed up Sunday night at HOW’s Chaos 17 show. Even more surprising? President and CEO Lindsay Troy and Head of Security Dametreyus accompanying him. Ellis will wrestle his first match since October next week on Chaos 18 when he challenges GREAT SCOTT for the HOTv title. When will Ellis return to PRIME? Clearly sooner rather than later.