RUMOR MILLS: DECEMBER 12TH EDITION

Hello again everyone, Matt Mills here, and we are four days away from Colossus! Here’s all the hot goss leading into PRIME’s biggest show of the year…

• • In a cryptic message sent out to his Twitter followers, prominent Twitch streamer and former PRIME Tag Team Champion “Codemaster” Allen Brown indicated that he would be attending Colossus in New York City, and it might not be as a mere spectator as was his previous appearance at April’s Culture Shock.

Brown, 41, has not wrestled in more than a decade and has largely disappeared from the professional wrestling scene at large to focus on streaming most nights on Twitch. His sudden interest in attending Colossus seems out of the blue, though, but he has thus far not returned any inquiries about how serious he is about his statements.

Brown is a former PRIME Tag Team Champion, holding the titles as part of the Blue Rogues with himself and Coral Avalon for an eventful 81 day title reign. There is a long-standing, unconfirmed rumor that he has not wrestled since Colossus IV despite numerous appearances in PRIME since the Rogues lost the tag titles. This coincides with the use of a strange mask in all of his appearances since Colossus, which observers commonly describe as “super anime” and “very tryhard” and “almost impossible to see out of.”

 

• • A lot of rumors about Mega Job, of all things, after the events of Rev 20.

First, it’s worth noting that Mega Job’s appearance at Rev 20 was approved by Visions of Mega Job LLC as part of a three show appearance deal. This was not known to the Enemigos at the time, though we all suspect that this is due to the blood feud that exists between Mega Job and Enemigo, dating back to their appearances in 2008.

Second, it’s believed that Mega Job will be making their next appearance at Colossus. It is not known what capacity. While Enemigo XII is notably silent about the matter – because that’s just how the Enemigos are – he did pass a card to the Rumor Mills offices that simply said “The end is near. The destroyer has come.”

We have not been able to confirm what end they’re referring to or the identity of the destroyer.

Next, Mega Job’s appearances are rumored to have come at the behest of Coral Avalon, though for what reason he’d want them around is anyone’s guess.

Finally, Mega Job’s Steve did not appear at Rev 20 because he was getting a manicure. When asked why this was more important than coming to the show with his usual crew, he simply said “DEATH” and then hit Gary in the balls with a lariat.

[Editor’s note: Guys, I don’t know why Gary was there. I thought we fired him. I think he’s escaped containment.]

 

• • Big rumor buzzing about the recent “lack of relevance” perceived by the Masters of the Multiverse B-Team, to which Randall Schwartz seems to have been overheard responding:

“Oh don’t worry, by the time Colossus rolls around I’m sure we’ll have done something newsworthy enough that people take note of it!”

Don’t worry, we’re just as confused as you are by this statement.

 

• • Timo Bolamba and Garry Ray-Ray Nelson were rumored to be doing three times the posted speed limit on their way to a Monster Jam show shortly after night 1 of the Belmont Classic. Timo let the slap champion drive his prized show used General Lee and Garry wasted no time leading the cops on a wild good chase.

When asked about the event, Timo said “I don’t know what you are talking about. We’re just making our way the only way we know how. And that’s just a little bit more than the law would allow.”

More dusty rumors from the gravel road of truth next time.

 

• • While we here at Rumor Mills can’t tap phonelines, our next best means of surveilling the phone activity of wrestlers of interest is having our moles at the cellular companies give us info on incoming and outgoing calls. While she’s technically not a member of the PRIME roster, Pom Shinjoku, one-eyed proprietor of the Pom Academy wrestling school in Kanagawa, Japan, is notable enough that we’re reporting on her here, and hoo boy, is there a bombshell waiting. The injury that took her eye left her retired for the last 20 years, but that retirement may come to an end. We already heard chatter around Japan that she’d been going to doctors to gauge the viability of wrestling with only one good eye, and our moles at Verizon turned up some interesting conversations between her and one Inoue Doi, the proprietor and head booker of Bang! Pro Wrestling. While the law says we cannot obtain transcripts of the conversations, judging by the length, either they’re making a love connection OR Pom is inquiring about making a comeback with the eccentric wrestling outfit notable for being Coral Avalon’s home away from home when he’s not in the States. Stay tuned…

 

• • Ivan Stanislav may be trying to cross athletic lines. Our sources state that a man who looked like Ivan Stanislav was seen playing basketball in an Arkhangelsk gymnasium. The man was said to be about seven feet tall, larger than any other basketball player in the gymnasium, and was wearing red Zubaz pants with yellow hammers and sickles and the world’s largest fanny pack. The man reportedly threw a basketball across the entire court, blew up the glass backboard, then laughed for three minutes straight and proclaimed he had won the game. If this is true, perhaps Ivan is planning on challenging Brittney Griner to a game of hoops?

 

• • Sources say in preparation for his match at Colossus against Tony Gamble, The Anglo Luchador has gone to several mafiosi weddings in the last few weeks, leaving guns and taking cannoli. The question we have here at Rumor Mills though… where is he getting all the guns? And does this mean he’s close to acquiring a sword?

 

• • One of the more controversial reports coming from the Belmont Classic surrounds the claim that by defeating Eddie Cross, Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson is now Timo Bolamba’s son.

Our researchers have found no rulings that dispute this claim, but it does raise the question of whether or not Jennifer Colton became Timo’s son later in the night after defeating Nelson. The discussion has become very heated, and PRIME officials have locked the door of the conference room until a decision has been reached.

Jake Colton, Jennifer’s father and trainer, declined to comment.

 

• • Sources say staff on Cancer Jiles’ aircraft carrier are still on high alert for infiltration from The Anglo Saxon.

 

• • Are the Russians in PRIME lawyering up? One day after ReVival 20, Alexei Ruslan was seen with renowned America-based Russian contract lawyer Yaropolk Benedikt Innokentievich chatting over two bowls of ice cream at the “Drill It” creamery. When we tried to approach the table to ask Mr. Ruslan about this meeting, three Russian men in business suits, who’s last names probably all end in ‘ov, stopped us and we decided it was best to leave.

 

• • After the chaos that his student caused at the Belmont, I’ve heard that Foster Nackedy has been begging Lindsay Troy not to fire Paxton Ray. In fact he’s gone as far as bribery! What is he using to bribe her? Well, we’re not sure yet, but our sources found that Foster sent some paperwork to Troy on Sunday morning. Stay tuned to find out what it is!

 

• • Our airline spies have reported back to us that The Anglo Luchador spent a whole hour in TSA just to remove all the oranges on his person on his flight back to Philly from St. Louis. It’s unknown how many other attendees had similar problems given the citrus outbreak that occurred at the event.

 

• • While shaken up after his match with Paxton Ray, Ignacio el Jaguar – real name Ignacio Valencia – was not seriously injured after finishing as a quarterfinalist in the Belmont Cup.

Valencia’s performance turned a lot of heads considering that he was an alternate and was not originally scheduled for the Belmont before Paxton was named for the tournament. He is scheduled to begin making appearances with Bang! Pro Wrestling in January, along with fellow Gates trainees Sam Smart and Wally Wallace, both of whom were defeated in the first round of the tournament.

The owners and trainers of the Gates of Avalon, Coral Avalon and Franco Marchesi, are accepting a new class in January now that the previous class have moved on to promotions such as BRAZEN and Bang! Pro Wrestling.

 

• • Arrangements have been made for El Hijo del Super Cool Guy’s funeral in [REDACTED], with Joe Fontaine, Sid Phillips, the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers, and Simon Tillier all slated to attend. Tillier was said to be aghast that he was being flown to [REDACTED] almost immediately after his mindbending interview with “the Escape Artist”, Rezin. While the name of where they’re holding the funeral is not to be disclosed for personal reasons, it is to be held by a lakeside somewhere in the continental United States. Which really narrows things down when you think about it.

Despite the gross amounts of stupidity necessary to even want to carry out a funeral for an inanimate object, the self-proclaimed “Smooth Joe Cool” – who insisted we call him this – insists that it’s “very super duper mega important necessary”.

We here at Rumor Mills are especially puzzled as to why the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers are choosing to attend. We managed to ask Biff for clarification, and all he did in response was painfully walk away, his every step an agony, his every breath a labor, his every movement a clear sign that he isn’t so much a “dancer” as he is a tortured soul begging for relief in the cruel world that has made him who he is.

We’ve also been informed that Biff deserves this.

 

• • Not so much a rumor as a spooky mystery, but to date the head of El Hijo del Super Cool Guy has yet to be recovered. As you may recall, the once-mannequin was used as a weapon by Paxton Ray in his vicious assault of the current frontrunner for title of PRIME’s Sexiest Man, Jared Sykes (it’s the scars; they make him dreamy). And while the rest of the shattered remnants of both Sykes and SCG were recovered, it’s the missing mannequin head that we find most perplexing, because that’s just creepy as hell. Who would want that, honestly?

 

• • Word is that the ACE Network’s own Alexa Van Horne has been forwarding creative suggestions to the PRIME brass in regards to the presentation and production design of Colossus.

The ACE Network’s official Jabber account subsequently released the following over the weekend:

“Staying within the concept of the ‘Colossus’ from which the megaevent gets its namesake, the vision the network would like to present is the theme of the Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Greece at war with one another.”

 

• • After being seen together both at the Belmont Classic and the Colton celebration, rumors have begun to circulate that the personal relationship between both members of the PRIME Tag Team Champions, the Kings of Popsicles (Justine Calvin, Jared Sykes), could be on the mend. Tough news for anyone looking to break off a piece of Sykes’ sweet dumper.

This comes on the heels of Calvin being spotted leaving the hotel of The New World Trash late Thursday night. While we here at the Rumor Mills have no hard evidence, we can only speculate as to what that evening might have included, and boy howdy is it ever spicy.

[Editor’s Note: Gary, this is the sort of thing that gets all of us taken to court. We have already exceeded the budget for sensitivity training for the quarter.]

 

• • After the results of the Belmont Classic, Timo Bolamba is rumored to have been called at least seventeen times by an obviously hammered Garry Ray-Ray Nelson. The messages ranged from “bitch, where’s my money?” all the way to “Where’s my money bitch?” According to inside sources, Timo finds the whole situation quite entertaining and hopes Garry takes him up on his offer to train, although Timo was allegedly quoted to have said “Unless he is a *chicken*”

More steamed rice on the buffet of MSG flavored truth next time.

 

• • A man resembling Eddie Cross was spotted at a local coffee shop and while that isnt all that entertaining, the fact that it appeared he was playing Candy Crush on his laptop and not MW2 held the source’s interest.

 

• • It is being speculated that Jon Rhine woke up to find that he had a brand new fully loaded Mobility Van in his driveway. Sources arent sure where the specialized machine came from, but the running theory is it is Oprah. Or her Samoan counterpart. The world may never know.

 

• • In attempting to get some clarification around the issue of whether Jenny Colton has a binding legal claim to the title of “Son of Timo Bolamba”, we at the rumor desk spoke to the nefarious Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq., licensed wrestling manager as well as a board-certified wrestling lawyer-doctor. (Ed. note: At the time of publication we were unable to verify the veracity of either his law degree or his medical degree.)

“There is no question that by beating Laptop Boy, that now Slap Man is the official son of Jet Man,” Dr. Badguy said. “This is because, as we all know, Jabber represents a binding legal contract and everything said there is enforceable by wrestling law! By questioning this ahead of their match at the Belmont, Garry Bolamba introduced a stipulation that was not refuted by Eddie Definitely-not-Bolamba-anymore. Ergo concordantly vis-a-vis Slap Man is now legally able to refer to himself as Jet Man Jr. However, because no such stipulation was made after that match, we can logically conclude that Corn Girl is not the lineal son of Jet Man.”

Dr. Badguy offered the following before zipping off on his Segway:

“I hope Jet Man Jr. enjoys riding penis bikes with his new dad.”

 

• • With the end of 2022 and a successful first year of the revived PRIME, there has been talk about contracts and renewals thereof; in particular, the Dangerous Mix of David Fox and Mushigihara, whose trial contract that was signed after their elimination from the Tag Team Survivor Challenge will expire shortly after Colossus. Internal rumblings suggest the two may have some differences in terms of their goals as a unit, and may be entertaining the idea of splitting into solo wrestlers. Further rumblings have indicated that Fox, age 42 with almost twenty-five years in the wrestling business, may be planning to wind his in-ring career down and is reassessing his goals in his last years as a competitor while Mushigihara may be considering his own quest for glory. Stay tuned for farther news on the team and others on the PRIME roster.

 

• • The 2022 Belmont Classic was a rousing success, smashing previous records for ticket sales and online viewership. However, the event was marred by controversy surrounding Paxton Ray and his actions, both in the first two rounds and after the final match had concluded.

Here’s what’s still buzzing after the event’s conclusion:

-The board members of the Belmont Foundation are in heavy discussion about whether to impose any kind of penalties against Paxton Ray. Traditionally, the board consists of people with a tremendous amount of influence in the wrestling world, and could generate severe consequences. However, rumor has it that they are leaning against doing so, since his actual transgressions could be defined as strategy, and despite clear intent to attack in the aftermath of the final, he did not actually do so.

-Justin Wheelwright and Simon Broderman (aka Sammy Broadway) will both require extensive surgery for the injuries they suffered at the tournament. Both of their families have started fundraising campaigns, with several prominent figures already pledging generous amounts.

-Both House of Noble (Melbourne, Australia) and The Spotlight (Manhattan, NY) have announced that they will no longer be sending students to the Belmont Classic unless major changes are made to the organization. Other trainers and schools are expected to follow.

-The custodial staff at the Chaifetz Arena continue finding oranges in random places throughout the building. The assistance of local exterminators as well as the Department of Agriculture has been requested.

-Citizens reported seeing a airship attempting to barrel roll through the Gateway Arch during Night One. Charles Beckett is wanted for questioning by multiple organizations, including but not limited to the St. Louis Police Department, the United States Air Force, the Legion of Sky Pirates, and a group calling themselves “Reality Control.”

-Belmont Foundation president Carter Laughlin has still not made himself available for comment.