For immediate release:
While most of the PRIME roster were thrilled to hear about BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD’S brand new fifteen year contract extension; there was a small contingent among them who were not. Among this small contingent just so happened to be the reigning, defending, dignified and righteous, PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, CANCER JILES.
Jiles was at Madison Square Garden for an entrance dress rehearsal when the news about Brandon’s “lifetime” deal broke, and of course he had something to say about it.
“I’ll take the under.”
Jiles wasn’t done.
“No, I’m just so happy for him. Really. I am. I’m so happy he is such an irrelevant crumb piece of shit that he thought it okay to try and steal some of my shine. This is COOLOSSUS. This is MY show. Brandon, and his new toilet paper contract are lucky to even be apart of it.”
Jiles wasn’t done.
“I mean fuck, how old is he even going to be in fifteen years? It’s not like he’s got more hair to lose.”
-The Conquistador of COOL will be in attendance for night one of COLOSSUS, and he even has his own grape ridden skybox to watch from. There’s two rumors floating around as to why he’ll be there. One of them is because his entrance is a two day affair, and the other is because Mom asked him to boost the ratings. Oddly enough not one person has speculated Jiles would be there to cheer on his fellow eGG Bandit brethren.
-Bobby Dean and Fred Mayhew are said to have a major part in Jiles’ entrance. They have been tasked with rolling out the red carpet all the way down to the ring– hence the rumored two day affair. Fortunately for Bobby, old Fred, and all of PRIME, the Garden does have a notoriously short runway.
-After Jiles’ tirade he was overheard demanding fifteen more pyros.
-Chuck Tingle, Timo Bolamba, and the SDDC boys choir will be singing an acapella rendition of “I am the COOL” on Night One of COLOSSUS to commemorate COOLOSSUS.
-Lastly, we here at Cracking News would like to take this moment to wish everyone a wonderful upcoming holiday season, and to congratulate PRIME on a wildly successful first year back.