Posted on 12/31/22 by Staff
RUMOR MILLS: NEW YEAR’S EVE EDITION
hey it’s me, mat mils n i’m drnk on firebgall neway hphy new yr heres rumorz from teh wk!
- Sources within PRIME’s operations staff have confirmed that a package from dino-walk.com was delivered and addressed simply to “CRLLDL c/o PRIME.” The anonymous source, who refused to answer whether they were the one that opened said package, stated the contents of the box contained a movie studio grade pterodactyl consume with some uncommon alterations. They did not elaborate on the alterations. Judging by the size of the outfit, the source suggests the intended recipient was male, but much else about this box and its contents remains a mystery. Is there a new dino themed wrestler on the rise? Only time will tell, but hopefully we get to the bottom of it before another meteor strike.
- There are rumors running rampant at The Aslyum as Timo Bolamba has blocked off one of the wrestling rings with temporary walls and only allows his most trusted coaches in with him.
Some are saying he has been training a new prospect, some are saying it might even be Paxton Ray.
The only thing we know for sure is at one point someone opened the door and heard the Samoan yell “I’m too old for this shit!” As it was translated in Samoan.
More from the dark eddies of the river of scandal next time.
- It’s been reported by theNOWwrestling.net that SHOOT Project and PRIME star Jacob Mephisto does, in fact, know the muffin man. The muffin man? Yes, the muffin man. Rumor has it that he’s been working with said muffin man and Martha Stewart on a new cookbook. These rumors are unsubstantiated at this time as Ms. Stewart was unavailable for comment and no one has seen the muffin man in about three days.
- After weeks of dealing with a Multiversal Auditor, rumors have been abuzzing that we will see some real progress on the audit of one Masters of the Multiverse…B-Team, and just in time to ring in the new year!
Watch, and we cannot stress this enough, this space.
- This just in to Rumor Mills: the muffin man is NOT Kin Hiroshi and may, in fact, be an imposter.
- There is a rumor running through the locker room that Eddie Cross is training in Russia during the hiatus between Coolossus and when ReVival picks up again in January.
Supporting those rumors, Eddie has been almost silent on Jabber and Dave Gibson has been seen in public several times without his student. We know that Eddie asked Ivan to set him up with a wrestling camp, but nobody really took it all that seriously. Who could he be training with? It’s well known that Russia is home to Systema, Sambo, and Krav Maga. It is also possible that he is training in one of the famed Dagastani gyms.
Eddie hasn’t exactly been vocal about where he has been.
More smoking gossip from the burning rubber on the starting line of rumor street next time.
- Is luchador Organ Donor headed to PRIME? Is he using LUCHA ESPECIAL 1 as a tryout? The answer is a firm “no.”
- With the Christmas Day announcement of his defense of the Intense Championship against Paxton Ray, many people are predicting The Anglo Luchador’s longest-to-date singles Championship reign in PRIME to end. In response to this, has the Champion shifted his focus from weapons to armor? Engineering companies and architecture firms have reported contact from someone asking about the feasibility of creating a barbed wire suit of armor. We’re working on confirming whether that was the Anglo Luchador, but it makes sense.
- Reports out of Philadelphia have cited inquiries to the Guinness Book of World Records for “most fried cod filets consumed in one sitting.” The reports were centered on Malvern, one of the suburbs of the city, which is where The Anglo Luchador lives. We know he didn’t eat them, mainly because he said he didn’t. So did one of his houseguests eat them? We tried finding out, but The Anglo Luchador’s son, Vincenzo, said “My new cousin Garry said if any bitch-ass reporters started snooping around to give them a Nelson County slap in the fuckin’ face.” We didn’t want to test fate.
- Applications to be the next potential students for the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School are ongoing. The school has been making waves of late due to the continued international success of its most popular student, Powerslam Anubis, as well as the 2022 crop of students that turned out in force for the Belmont Classic.
Rumors swirl that the school’s owners, Coral Avalon and Franco Marchesi, are still reconsidering the school’s future with the Belmont Foundation, just like several other schools. Such decisions will likely not be announced until the school resumes operations in mid-January.
- Despite appearing on both nights of Colossus, Mega Job still has one more date on their three-event deal with PRIME as their appearance on Night One was technically not in the arena and the two nights of Colossus was apparently considered one event.
Terrifyingly, however, there’s no current plans for Mega Job to return any time soon. Meaning that they could show up at any time, unexpectedly, and without warning. Ready to ambush everyone at a moment’s notice with their brand of shenanigans. It’s believed that all Enemigo constabularies have been instructed to keep an eye out for Beef, El Janito, and Steve.
An inquiry to PRIME staff about whether the Enemigo constabularies actually exist yielded only threatening silence. Which is typical of Enemigos.
- PRIME sleuths on the Internet have come forth with ”evidence” of both Abe Lipschitz and SELMA’s acting careers prior to their signing. A clip of Abe being choked out by a confused elderly woman in a commercial for Aducanumab (an Alzheimer’s drug) was revealed. This was followed by a screen grab from Disney’s short-lived Air Bud spinoff “Marine Buddies” where the little golden retriever pups run an internment camp and are seen water boarding (with drool) the new signee. As for SELMA, fans claim that she is the Corn Dog Majorette from the Ralph’s Corn Dog’s commercial sans her scary makeup. You know the one: the lady who does a twirling number with corn dogs and ultimately catches them midair with her mouth and eats them. The group could not be reached for comment on these allegations, although Abe did ask us if Lindsay Troy happened to see the pharmaceutical commercial and if she did, “did she think the guy looked hot in it because if so then yes that was me.”
- Rumor is that after the successful posting of Jacob Mephisto’s Dark Horse Ribs, he has been invited to compete on a pitmaster style BBQ reality show on the ACE network.
Details are scant at this time, but other competitors currently whispered to be invited are The Jimmy Bonafide Dancer Biff, Mark Lemon, and Liza Minelli.
- It is being stated that, win or lose, El Temblor will end his days competing in the ring against Jared Sykes. When asked about the match, long time associate Timo Bolamba had this to say:
“He has been talking all week about putting his mask on the line. He said he plans to bring a pair of clippers with him and for Sykes to be ready because he is about to feel the full fury of 165lbs of “raw steel and sex appeal.”
Of course no rumor involving El Temblor would be complete without mentioning Treachery, but oddly he has been uncharacteristically quiet about the topic. Maybe Sykes has actually won over the salty veteran. Maybe he plans to show the world true treachery. Maybe…maybe there was never any treachery and this whole time Wl Temblor has been fabricating a narrative.
Nah. It’s definitely treachery.
More scandal from the overtaking lane on the two way highway of America’s whispers next time.
- Ongoing rumors about Sid Phillips being three powerbombs in a singlet remain unsubstantiated, mainly because we’re uncertain that the number is only three.
- Word among the locker room is that Jared Sykes is said to be distraught over the decision of Ria Lockhart to not renew her contract for 2023. However, despite his own heartbreak, his ass is said to be in high spirits. Though no one has been able to confirm this as true, Sykes’ ass has been rumored to feel a little freer, and has been breathing easier since the announcement was made, with one source even going as far as telling us that, “I swear I heard it give a standing ovation when the news broke, though that could just be what happens when Jared walks.”
Sykes has refused to make his ass available for comment, or photographing, or gentle, tender caresses.
- Hot steamy goss says Rocky De Leon is not nicknamed after Rocky Balboa, Rocky Horror, Rocky and Bullwinkle, The Colorado Rockies, Rocky Marciano or Graziano, Rocky Johnson, or Rocky Dennis.
His Dad was just a big fan of Weird Al’s hit “I Love Rocky Road”
- After a hard-fought victory at Colossus 2022, the Dangerous Mix’s David Fox may be branching out into a new line of work; stunt double.
Having survived a rather catastrophic event during the Mix’s match with the Masters of the Universe B-Team and the eGG Bandits, whose absolute unit Bobby Dean caused a 5.7 on the Richter scale during the match, Fox’s impressive fall out of the ring is alleged to have caught the attention of Hollywood. The striker of the Dangerous Mix was shaken up after the match, but unhurt, a rarity in stunt work, and with Fox planning to retire from the ring at an undisclosed date, a career transition may be taking place sooner rather than later.
- It is being rumored that the loss at COOLOSSUS has left Cancer Jiles despondent, but more hurtful is his influence on the egg market price being at an all time high.
As the lord of the eGG Bandits, his loss has set in motion a national shortage that has seen prices of a dozen top five dollars in some markets and higher in others. Worse yet, chickens are not laying as many eggs, seemingl distracted from their only job on earth by the loss of the biggest chicken in wrestling.
A representative of the local chicken union, a young rooster named Nuggets, had this to say: “buck buck buck, buckock.”
This loosely translates to: “Hopefully egg prices come back down to earth as Cancer wins more matches, but in the likely event that he continues to lose, who knows how much eggs will climb. There may come a day when he has lost so many matches that eggs are a delicacy on par with lobster or beluga caviar.”
We’re all praying this rumor is unfounded.
- With the year end awards now behind us, it sounds like there was some confusion around what one of those honors meant. According to people close to him, Jared Sykes is rumored to have believed that “Face of the Year” meant “the part that bad guys most want to punch.” Sources say that it took much convincing before Jared came to understand that is not the intent of the award, and that while people have very valid reasons for wanting to punch him, most of those reasons have little to do with his face.
- Some hot goss’ around the tag team champions, as word has reached our offices that both Justine Calvin and Jared Sykes will be heading off to Japan to bang for two weeks.
[Editor’s note: Gary, we should talk about this one.]
- Paxton Ray won several End of Year awards at PRIME, though it seems that Foster Nackedy wasn’t impressed, as he held his own awards show at Gray’s Academy over the holiday weekend. The categories were Paralyzer of the Year, Tag Team Breakup of the Year, Enemigo Projectile of the Year, and Ha Ha Fuck You Shweta Your Boyfriend Can’t Walk Moment of the Year. Every award went to Paxton Ray, except for the Enemigo award, which went to Enemigo IX (Enemigo IX was not in attendance to claim his award.)
- An update to a previous rumor. Earlier in this report we suggested that the PRIME tag team champions are schedule to fly off to Japan for two weeks to bang. Upon further clarification, we learned that Sykes and Calvin are actually scheduled to appear for Bang! Pro Wrestling, but will no doubt also do that other thing.
Also scheduled for the tour are Calvin’s newest flirty friends, the New World Trash. No word yet on whether they are strictly there to wrestle, or if they will be included in any extracurricular activities.
[Editor’s note: Gary! Did you forget the press conference already? She knows what you look like now!]
- There is a rumor that a secret team of high profile paternity testors has been hired to prove once and for all that Garry Ray Ray Bolamba is not, in fact, Timo Bolamba’s son.
Timo seems less and less bothered by the antics of the slap fighting champion as of late, and specifically stated “Garry? No, I haven’t hired anyone. Why?”
There is speculation that The Ace Network is planning on a special that will put the results of the test on live television.
Time will tell.
- Following the press conference after Night Two of Colossus, PRIME’s Angelica Brooks was seen in conversation with Tanner Quest of RingDispatch.com.
“It turns out that Mx. Quest is a big fan of mine,” Brooks would go on to say. “They were asking for advice. Tanner has an obvious passion for journalism as well as professional wrestling, but I let them know that these interviews are just as much about building a rapport with your subject as they are about finding the truth.”
Tanner’s cold demeanor and extremely pointed questions at the press conferences had been criticized privately by several wrestlers.
They weren’t the only one who ruffled feathers, though. Savannah Scandal was informed that she might not be invited back to future events, due to the personal nature of her questions. “Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last,” she said in a recent statement.
Of particular interest is the enmity between Scandal and Nate Colton. who refused to let Savannah even finish her question. Speculation points to an incident between the reporter and the family, though all parties seem to be tight-lipped about the details. In Savannah’s case, curiously so.
- GREAT GERBER BABY? Rumors are swirling that newfound father GREAT SCOTT is intending to enter his son, GREAT SCOTT JR., into the Gerber Company’s annual photo contest to be the new Gerber Baby for 2023. While we have not been able to reach the Master of the Bear and Glare for comment, we here at Rumor Mills are sure that GREAT TOT will be a shoo-in to win.
- Another detail has leaked about The Madhouse, an independent event scheduled for the end of April 2023. It is expected to be a single match involving multiple competitors; no further information was divulged on the nature of that match.
We asked our source if they were concerned that their event might be too similar to the Culture Shock Battle Royal, to be held earlier in the month. Their answer: “We are not interested in the affairs of others.”