Studies have shown that Kyoto remains a great place to Bang!
No further research is necessary.
Also, uh… can we talk about this show? Like, seriously, this one’s just out there. I mean, I should’ve expected results like these when I took the job, but what happened in Kyoto definitely needs to stay there and be surrounded by disaster response tents and important men in hazmat suits. I’m just saying.
JANUARY 15th, 2023: KYOTO
- Bouncy Castle Murder! Deathmatch: The New World Trash (Bex Savage & Angel Quinley) & Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson def. The Jacks of All Trades (“Jammin’” Jack Graves & “Picture Perfect” Jack Pizazz) & “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes @ 9:04 by submission with a double legbar from Savage/Quinley on Graves
- Powerslam Anubis def. Sam Smart @ 2:19 by pinfall with the Scales of Dominion (fireman’s carry powerslam)
- “The Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa def. Wally Wallace @ 2:18 by pinfall with the Ragnarok Driver (Argentine backbreaker rack to piledriver)
- The Winds of Change (Joe Fontaine & Sid Phillips) def. The Kazuyagumi (Cowabunga Kenji & Saburou Tanaka) @ 15:37 by pinfall with the SCG Destroyer (flip DDT) from Fontaine to Kenji
- Infinite Paternity Gauntlet!: A bicycle def. “Jumpin’” Jack SweetBolamba @ 0:05 by pinfall due to many a shenanigans
- The Kazuyagumi (Victor “the Constrictor” Jimenez & Junpei Tsukioka) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew “Hentai”) @ 13:08 by submission with the Constrictor Coil (choke sleeper) from Jimenez on Matthew
- “Ace of Hearts” Kazuya Fukumaru & Pom Shinjoku def. The Crownless Kingdom (Claire Merci & Ignacio el Jaguar) @ 24:11 by pinfall after the Great Wave off Kanagawa (rolling reverse Russian legsweep) from Shinjoku on Merci
THE TITLE PICTURE
I guess to cover the actually sane results on this show, we’ll talk about how for the first time since losing to “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara in the semifinals of the Terminus Complex last year, Claire Merci was pinned in a match! And it was none other than Pom Shinjoku who upset her in the main event of a tag team match between herself and Kazuya Fukumaru against Merci and Ignacio el Jaguar. After the match, Shinjoku goaded Merci into defending her Hardweight title in a deathmatch at Explosion!! In Osaka, to which Merci begrudgingly accepted.
Kazuya Fukumaru made for a strong tag partner for Shinjoku, but when he asked her about his invitation, he was only given a notion that she would answer him at Explosion!! in Osaka.
Okay, so where do we even start here?
Let’s talk about the least insane thing that happened on the show and work our way up.
First of all, Powerslam Anubis made quick work of Sam Smart. Smart was judged early in the contest with the Scales of Dominion, but the Judgment King decided that this wasn’t enough judgment for the Gates of Avalon young lion, so he picked him up and did it a second time for good measure. Very, very overkill, but that’s what you have to expect when you mess with a god.
Speaking of gods, “the Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa came out for his match with Smart’s tag partner, Wally Wallace, and crossed paths with Anubis on his way out. Words were exchanged, though I’m pretty sure neither could understand anything but their tones. Referees had to get between the two before anything could get out of hand.
Once in the ring, Hanazawa kept casting glances at Anubis, still lingering at ringside, for the entirety of the match. After the first Ragnarok Driver, he made a point of picking Wallace up at two. Staring daggers at Anubis the entire time, he executed a second one to put Wallace away. And probably put him in a morgue. Somebody should notify Wally’s next of kin in Walla Walla.
Hanazawa was about to drag Wallace off to god knows where as he did to Zenjiro in Nagoya, but Anubis stepped in his path, and referees had to move heaven and earth and everything in-between in order to keep the two from going full kaiju film deep in the heart of Kyoto. It’s pretty obvious that two of the biggest monsters in all of Bang! Pro Wrestling want to throw down. Will there still be a Bang! Pro Wrestling when they’re done?
It feels weird that the Winds of Change weren’t involved in anything too insane this show, but Smooth Joe Cool and Mr. Phillips’ Wild Powerbomb Ride took on the Kazuyagumi’s Saburou Tanaka and Cowabunga Kenji in tag action, in preparation for their title match at Explosion!! In Osaka. And really, we’re going to judge insanity on a pretty generous scale, because Joe Fontaine was a projectile for most of the match. Both willingly and unwillingly.
Tanaka tried to cheat a lot, bringing out a steel chair and generally being a difficult-to-control menace while Cowabunga Kenji used his necktie to try and strangle a man behind the referee’s back. Once Sid got in the match, it was a Powerbomb Delight as the Prince of Powerbombs did what only the Powerbomb From Out Of Space could do. Uh, that’s powerbombs, by the way, if you couldn’t tell from all of the subtlety going on here. Eventually, Big Lorenzo tagged his partner in to go for the Twisted Tower, but it was broken up by Saburou who fought Rave Daddy Sasquatch to the floor.
In the end, despite nearly getting caught up in Kenji’s Payday submission, Joe was able to persevere and hit the Salaryman with a move he called the SCG Destroyer – created in loving tribute to a mannequin, not making that up – to seal the win.
Seriously, though. “Rave Daddy Sasquatch”? Which underpaid intern wrote Sid’s bio on the PRIME page? I just want to talk.
After dealing with an existential crisis and what Michael has called a “broken pee-pee”, the Fabulous Hentai Brothers have made their return to Bang! Pro Wrestling! Victor Jimenez took one look at the Hentais and their offer to play jan-ken-pon in lieu of a wrestling match, and decided that… okay, no. That pee-pee needed to be rebroken.
I get paid to do this.
Anyway, Jimenez spent a lot of the match putting Michael Hent– wait, no, “Hentai” isn’t his last name, I forgot. Well, he put him in a lot of crazy, state-of-the-art dumb submissions just because, while Junpei Tsukioka and Matthew Not-Hentai had a war consisting entirely of eye pokes, shin kicks, and at least one depantsing. Because it’s the Hentais.
Anyway, once Jimenez got bored, he put Michael to sleep with the Constrictor Coil, and that – as they say – was that.
Now for the second-most insane thing tonight, someone got the bright idea to put a bouncy castle in a professional wrestling ring, and we had a match around that thing with the New World Trash, Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson, the Jacks of All Trades pair of Pizazz and Graves, and Rory Hayes.
It was so, so dumb. But fun if you like dumb spectacles!
Hayes looked especially out of place and was visibly disappointed when the referee took away all of his very sharp implements prior to the match out of concern that he’d pop the thing like a balloon. His attempt at executing the Mindbender piledriver on Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson was especially ridiculous as Nelson simply bounced right back up and slapped him for it.
No one could pin anyone, because all anyone had to do to break up a pin was to take a bump anywhere in the castle! In the end, the Savage hit Graves with the Bakebrainer and then she and Quinley locked in a somewhat uncharacteristic double legbar to force a submission in this very, very stupid match.
Nelson expressed interest in doing it again, though, so I’m glad someone had fun!
Let’s talk about the Infinite Paternity Gauntlet.
Folks, we’ve stretched the full bounds of fatherhood tonight, because in the Infinite Paternity Gauntlet, Jack Sweetwater was defeated by… a bicycle!? Yes, indeed.
The match was supposed to be Sweetwater against Lord Kurosame-sama, but the shark apparently had other fish to fry tonight, and Sweetwater’s open challenge was answered by a Rory Hayes still upset at the way the Bouncy Castle Deathmatch went. Hayes immediately hit him with a bicycle before the bell rang – seriously, who keeps leaving the bicycle at ringside? – and laid it on top of him before departing. The confused referee shrugged his shoulders, called for the bell, and immediately counted a three count.
Sweetwater is no stranger to extremely fast, dumb losses, as he also lost to Lord Kurosame-sama in sixteen seconds during the TC-X two years ago. He also once lost the Bang! All Day championship to a mannequin.
No, not that mannequin.
A different one, probably from a Tijuana JC Penney.
Bitter rivals, I’m told.
Sweetwater was very upset at what happened, not just because of the incredibly fast, stupid way he lost, but because the Jacks had all these hilariously irresponsible plans with Timo’s money!
Seriously, though. A bicycle? That couldn’t have been a very comfortable pregnancy. My condolences.