Posted on 01/15/23 by Hutch
Heroic Ivan Stanislav Vanquishes Cowardly Christopher America and Saves PRIME
On a dreary Saturday evening in Anaheim, when all appeared lost for the representatives of PRIME, one man was able to pull the flailing federation’s futile attempts at victory from the jaws of defeat and deliver what some wrestling personalities are calling the “greatest victory in the history of the sport.”
Standing proudly in front of 81,970 screaming fans in the Honda Center in Anaheim, California, The Russian Bear, Ivan Stanislav, vanquished the dastardly High Octane Wrestling World Champion, Christopher America, in typical enthralling style.
From the beginning, it was an uphill battle for the undeterred Russian Bear and his comrade-in-arms Alexei Ruslan. In typical American fashion, censorship was rampant when clear-headed commentator Richard Parker was ousted from his chair and replaced with some drunkard layabout who refused to be removed.
After America resorted to typical cheating tactics, Alexei Ruslan bravely shielded fans from the chair-brandishing American “patriot.” In this attempt, Ruslan bravely threw himself in front of a pregnant woman, who had a puppy and an infant child in her arms, and was rendered unconscious. She was unscathed. Ruslan was taken to the backstage area to be treated with a concussion. His first words upon waking? “Are the people safe?” True heroism.
Nevertheless, the carnage continued as Stanislav forcefully manhandled Christopher America. He showed true professionalism, despite the circumstances, by helping America use the ring steps to gain entry back into the ring. Then, as America began uncontrollably sobbing on the mat, sacrificing himself for a pin, Stanislav took the time out to sing a rousing stanza of The Russian National Anthem, much to the joy of all the audience in attendance. Stanislav would not let America off the hook, however. While America continued crying profusely and begged Stanislav to simply stop the beatings and pin him, Ivan instead Red Scared the HOW Champion off the top rope and across the wrestling ring. To truly teach him a lesson, Stanislav executed his newest move in his arsenal: “For Mother Russia,” on the barbed wire army men. For Mother Russia looks quite similar to Christopher America’s “For America 2.0” but with subtle, more effective nuances which may be unseen to the untrained eye.
Stanislav stood triumphant in the ring while the crowd erupted into cheers at the victory. Women swooned. Poets found inspiration. Some whisper it may spawn a new international holiday.
The fans we interviewed were all in agreement: few have ever seen such athleticism and heroism by such a man. The Americans in the audience were uniformly euphoric. We have chosen to leave their identities anonymous:
“I have to say, after watching Brandon Youngblood be soundly defeated by that Texan Clay Byrd, I had lost hope. But Ivan Stanislav restored my faith in a moment. I had feared that Youndblood would let us down, and he certainly did, but thank God for Ivan Stanislav. I am going to step outside now and fire my rifle into the air several times.”
“I thought that perhaps PRIME Universal Champion, Hayes Hanlon, would have participated, but it seems he was too busy to actually take the time out to compete. I’m so glad Ivan Stanislav was there instead. Frankly, he’s more interesting to watch in the ring. I prefer a more technical aspect, and when he held America in a dragon sleeper, it was the best executed dragon sleeper I had ever seen!”
“I was very disappointed that Cancer Jiles won his match. He was such a failure as a Universal Champion and I am allergic to eggs. I almost asked for a refund. But thankfully I got to watch a real man work in the ring with Ivan Stanislav!”
“Rest assured, I will be naming our future son “John Stanley” in honor of Ivan Stanislav. Our paperwork for a last name change has already been submitted!”
“Personally, shouldn’t Ivan Stanislav be the HOW World Champion after such a shellacking?”
“PRIME as a whole let us down. I recall that Ivan tried to unite all the PRIME members under his banner for this event and they laughed at him! What a missed opportunity. Ivan Stanislav is a visionary and true leader!”
Stanislav, who pulled PRIME from certain disaster after roster mismanagement last September at ULTRAVIOLENCE, has been on a tear ever since he emerged from retirement. He soundly defeated Hayes Hanlon in historic fashion, but backstage politicking by Hanlon and the weak spine of PRIME Owner Lindsay Troy forced the organization to reverse the decision, handing Stanislav a tainted loss. We have received the raw tape of the event from “Completely American Recording” and it is plain as day that Stanislav won.
Despite the chicanery, Stanislav has been undeterred. He has defeated opponent after opponent as he continues to build his undefeated streak leading into the new year. After Main Eventing PWA-1 and capping it with a victory, he now has a match against Cancer Jiles, a failed Universal Title Champion, at ReVival 21. The winner of the match will have a shot at the Universal Title.
Wrestling commentators have lamented the decision, stating that despite everything Stanislav has done, it is in poor faith to have him wrestle someone who lost at the previous pay per view. Some posit that it is more Hanlon politicking. Or the rot in PRIME could go deeper. It is widely believed that these are more stalling tactics by PRIME leadership in a vain attempt to stop The Russian Bear from having a title shot outright. But few people believe these tactics will work.
One can only hope that the Hanlons, the Luchadors, the Youngbloods, and all the other ne’er do wells in PRIME will eventually see the light and understand their rightful place behind The Hero of PRIME- Ivan Stanislav.
As Mr. John Smith said after the event, “Thank God for Ivan Stanislav. God bless him. God bless him so much I’m going to now become atheist and join the Communist Party of the USA!!”
Note: Get Well Cards for Alexei Ruslan can be sent to the Russian Embassy in Washington D.C. Please be sure to include your: name, address, telephone number, email address, social security number, blood type, drivers license number, address of your next of kin, your employee ID number (if employed), and names and addresses of any individuals who wear non-Ivan Stanislav merchandise.
Note: The authors of this article also wish to remain anonymous.