We’re in Okayama, and of all the places to Bang!, it’s one of the good ones!
After the events of Kyoto, we thought we knew that things can’t possibly get any crazier. And then… well. I saw what happened in tonight’s Infinite Paternity Gauntlet and sound has a color now. I think this is what insanity looks like.
JANUARY 16th, 2023: OKAYAMA
- Infinite Paternity Gauntlet!: Sid Phillips def. The Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Bolambacycle @ 5:09 by pinfall with a powerbomb
- Non-Title: Claire Merci def. Jin Watabe @ 8:19 by pinfall with the Royal Butterfly Suplex
- The Beasts of Tokyo (Seiko Serizawa & HAMAYUMI) & “The Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew) & Lord Kurosame-sama @ 09:21 with the Ragnarok Driver (Psycho Driver I) from Hanazawa on Michael
- The New World Trash (Bex Savage & Angel Quinley) & Amy Campbell def. The Kazuyagumi (Junpei Tsukioka, Saburou Tanaka & Cowabunga Kenji) @ 14:08 with the Bakebrainer (hard elbow smash) from Savage to Kenji
- Special Attraction Match: RAIKO & Kensuke BLACK def. “Jumpin'” Jack Sweetwater & “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes @ 11:09 by submission with the Katahajime from RAIKO on Sweetwater
- Coral Avalon def. “Hawkeye” Taka Sakaragi @ 19:00 by pinfall with the Rhongomyniad (Yakuza kick) and Carnwennan (Top rope double stomp)
- The Ironhearts (“Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa & “The Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino) def. Jared Sykes & Justine Calvin @ 27:19 by pinfall after the Peacemaker (running blockbuster) from Ichikawa on Calvin
We’ll just start with the Infinite Paternity Gauntlet this time, because it’s the only really dumb incident on the show.
Sid Phillips and the newly christened “Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Bolambacycle” met to decide the next son of Timo Bolamba. Sid came out first, and then the bicycle was wheeled out with a huge entrance, including fireworks and a rain of blood while Slayer’s “Raining Blood” shredded the PA system. There was a long extended shot of Sid looking mildly concerned, and then it cut to the bicycle standing in the ring, menacingly. And by that, I mean that someone in Bang!’s art department actually put Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure-style “menacing” text around it behind an ominous droning sound. Because of course that happened.
The match was a complete farce, as Sid decided to take his two-wheeled opponent deadly seriously instead of just, you know, throwing it to the ground and pinning it. At one point, he attempted a powerbomb on the bicycle only to lose his balance and fall, and nearly got himself pinned because of it. At another point, Sid actually bothered to go outside of the ring to grab a steel chair. Unfortunately, since he had no idea how to use the chair, he simply powerbombed it on top of the bicycle. Then he got the bright idea of trying to powerbomb it through a table, but after four attempts at this, the table never broke and Sid simply decided to powerbomb it normally to pick up the win.
All that’s to say… that’s why the match took five minutes instead of five seconds.
Now Sid is the son of Timo Bolamba, even though the only currency known to him is powerbombs! Do we call him “Powerbombolamba”?
Claire Merci dispatched Jin Watabe with relative ease with the Royal Butterfly Suplex. Zenjiro Ikari was still missing after Akira Hanazawa literally kidnapped him in Nagoya. No word yet on where Zenjiro is, by the way, but considering that this isn’t the first time Hanazawa’s done this, he’ll probably turn up alive and well before long.
After the match, Claire called out Pom Shinjoku to make the Bang! Hardweight Championship match at Explosion!! In Osaka official. The tense meeting was colored by the appearance of Powerslam Anubis and Ignacio el Jaguar.
However, the appearance of Akira Hanazawa – coming out early for his six-person tag match – forced the Crownless Kingdom to retreat without incident. Hanazawa admitted in a post-match interview that he didn’t care what he was walking into, he’d simply lost patience and wanted to get his match started. And also, furthermore, the Crownless Kingdom must be destroyed.
After that, the Beasts of Tokyo and Hanazawa teamed up again to take on the Fabulous Hentai Brothers and Lord Kurosame-sama. The match was incredibly one-sided despite the antics of the Fabulous Three, with any one of Team Beast having their way with the Hentais. Non-sexually, of course.
The Kazuyagumi trio of Tsukioka, Tanaka, and Kenji once again came up short, this time again the apocalyptic punk rock trio of the New World Trash and Amy Campbell. In a post-match interview after the match, Kazuya lambasted the three for their poor results as of late, and hinted that there may be another new member to the Kazuyagumi soon.
Could this be Pom Shinjoku? Or is it someone else?
SHOOT Project’s own RAIKO – fresh off of her victory against Tony Gamble at PWA-1 – made a surprise appearance at this show in her hometown of Okayama to team with the Ironheart’s own Kensuke BLACK against Jack Sweetwater and the honorary Jack, Rory Hayes, in a quick but hard-hitting match between some of the toughest people in the Japanese scene. And also Sweetwater.
Fresh off of the embarrassment of what happened last night with the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Bolambacycle, Sweetwater had much to prove against RAIKO and BLACK. Unfortunately, his overeagerness and the absence of the other Jacks – thrown out by referee Ryuunosuke Doi earlier in the match – ultimately prove fatal when RAIKO caught him in the Katahajime and forced a swift tap out.
Coral Avalon took the difficult task of taking on a very game Taka Sakaragi. Sakaragi, like most Ironhearts, blamed Avalon for the reemergence of the Crownless Kingdom and sought revenge against him, because he’s an Ironheart and revenge is what they’re all about.
Despite the Hawkeye’s best efforts, including extensive work over Coral’s arm injury, though, he fell victim to the First and Fifth Armaments for the loss.
Avalon’s arm clearly continues to bother him since the Hayes match a week ago, but he still remains advertised for the final two nights of the tour in Osaka.
The main event was an epic war between the Ironheart pair of the Openweight champion Gorou Ichikawa and the Iron Idol against the PRIME Tag Team Champions in a friendly exhibition match that quickly became heated as the four competitors battled it out. The Ironheart side hadn’t properly teamed up as a tag team in quite some time, but they functioned as a well-oiled unit against the more experienced Sykes/Calvin tag team.
Tsukino fell into trouble early, but battled back to tag in the Openweight champion. Sykes and Ichikawa had a firey exchange afterwards, but Sykes’ injuries from Colossus caught up to him as Ichikawa and Tsukino isolated and beat him down. When Calvin was finally able to tag in, she was effectively fighting a two-on-one battle that nearly went her way until Ichikawa landed the Joker’s Wild and then the Peacemaker to pick up the hard-fought win.
Respect was shown between the participants before Sykes and Calvin left to let the Ironhearts celebrate. Despite his physical state, Sykes refused medical attention and left under his own power.
The Ironhearts did not vow revenge on Sykes and Calvin after the match, which is probably going to disappoint Sykes in particular. I think.