Bang! Pro Wrestling in Osaka (1/17)

It’s Osaka, and there’s no place better to Bang! than that!

We’re one day from Explosion!! In Osaka! The Hardweight champion has one more opportunity to get one up on her challenger. The Bang! With Your Friends championship is on the line, with the Ironhearts swearing all kinds of revenge over the champions!

JANUARY 17th, 2023: OSAKA

• Infinite Paternity Gauntlet!: The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew) def. Powerbombolamba @ 5:08 by disqualification
• Special Attraction Slap Fight!: Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson def. Junpei Tsukioka @ 5:43 by countout (because Junpei couldn’t take getting slapped anymore and bailed out)
• Coral Avalon & Amy Campbell def. The Aces of Bang! (“Ace of Spades” Izou Yoshida & “Ace of Clubs” Haruki Kazano) @ 16:44 by pinfall with Dead Aim (450 splash) from Campbell followed by Carnwennan (top rope double stomp) from Avalon to Yoshida
• The Kazuyagumi (“Ace of Hearts” Kazuya Fukumaru & Pom Shinjoku) and The Crownless Kingdom (Claire Merci & Powerslam Anubis) goes to a no-contest @ 14:08
• Bang! With Your Friends Championship: The Ironhearts (Taka Sakaragi, Riko Tsukino, & Kensuke BLACK) def. The Jacks of All Trades (“Jumpin’” Jack Sweetwater, “Jammin’” Jack Graves & “Picture Perfect” Jack Pizazz) © @ 22:08 by pinfall with a second-rope Sunspark (single knee facebreaker) from Tsukino to Sweetwater to win the titles!

THE TITLE PICTURE
We have new Bang! With Your Friends champions! The Jacks of All Trades, who’ve held the belts since April of last year, were stunned in convincing fashion in the main event when they took on the Ironhearts for the titles. After spending much of the match trying to break the Iron Idol, especially given the ongoing communication issue between Tsukino and Sakaragi, the Jacks fell victim to a furious onslaught from the Black Ace. Kensuke BLACK eventually took Graves out with the Kurokami Suplex from the ring apron in the terrifying moment. Sweetwater attempted to finish Tsukino with a super Sweetest Driver, but was knocked off the turnbuckles and then knocked out by a diving Sunspark to win the titles!

Of course, no sooner had their hands been raised than a challenge was brought to them by Kazuya Fukumaru – a Kazuyagumi tandem they’d never seen before wanted a shot at the belts. Rather hastily, Taka Sakaragi agreed on behalf of his team, despite not knowing who Fukumaru’s partners would be.

He also vowed pre-revenge on the Kazuyagumi, as you might expect from an Ironheart.

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NOTABLE EVENTS

The seventh name for the Conception Tournament is Crownless Kingdom member Ignacio el Jaguar, who’s still barely into his second year as a wrestler but is already making waves! The Gates of Avalon standout hopes to win his first singles gold in this big tournament, but can he hang with the stalwarts already lined up for the tournament?

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Once again, a running theme through these last shows is having to deal with the Infinite Paternity Gauntlet first. In this case, Sid Phillips (or “Powerbombolamba”, I guess) put up his status as the son of Timo Bolamba against the Fabulous Hentai Brothers! Yes. Both of them. And wouldn’t you know it, Sid lost!

I mean, he lost because of a technicality.

He was so busy powerbombing Michael “Hentai” to death that he didn’t notice that Matthew “Hentai” slid a steel chair into the ring. When the Pontiff of Powerbomb Alley accidentally powerbombed Michael onto that chair, the referee disqualified him and awarded the match to the Hentais. After arguing against this for a few moments, Mr. Powerbomb, Esq. got fed up and powerbombed the referee. Which, honestly, proves that he’s not a real Bolamba, since all referees fall under Timo’s vast jurisdiction of fatherhood. So that’s fratricide by powerbomb when you get right down to it.

At least, that’s what the pamphlet told me.

The Hentais celebrated as they usually do, with a lot of high-fives, only they’re using their butt cheeks. Because the Fabulous Hentai Brothers aren’t fabulous and they aren’t brothers, but the hentai part is certainly real. They have already talked about the very terrible things they would like to use Timo’s money for. Very questionable things. The kinds of things that might put you on a watchlist.

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Nelson was challenged to a “slap fight” by Junpei Tsukioka, the self-styled “Prince of Roppongi”. After dancing around the Kentuckian for several minutes, Tsukioka was slapped in the face so hard that he immediately left the match and got counted out rather than take another one. A natural reaction, really.

Nelson then challenged the Hentais in the Infinite Paternity Gauntlet at Explosion!! In Osaka, and it sounds like that challenge has been accepted! By Bang!’s Director of Shenanigans, Inoue Doi. Because the Hentais were too scared of getting slapped to accept.

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In an unusual pairing, Coral Avalon teamed with Amy Campbell to take on two of Bang!’s aging “aces”, Haruki Kazano and Izou Yoshida. Their teamwork wasn’t the best, likely because they have almost no prior experience teaming before and because of Avalon’s continued issues with his left arm. However, the issues on the Aces side were readily apparent, as Yoshida had clear trouble trying to keep up with his opponents. After Kazano was low bridged from the ring, Yoshida was taken down by a Rhongomyniad in the corner, which set up a Dead Aim from Campbell. Campbell then took down Kazano with a tope to the outside, allowing Avalon to hit Carnwennan to pick up the victory for his team.

Backstage after the match, Yoshida was beside himself. He issued a challenge to Amy Campbell for a one-on-one match tomorrow at Explosion!! in Osaka, intent on proving that he still had what it took to hang with the top international stars in the world. With Campbell still proving she has what it takes, and Yoshida clearly having lost a step from his constant injuries, is his challenge truly wise?

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Finally, and maybe mostly importantly, Pom Shinjoku has accepted Kazuya Fukumaru’s invitation into the Kazuyagumi! She teamed with the Kazuyagumi’s Don to take on the Crownless Kingdom pair of Claire Merci and Powerslam Anubis in a match to assert dominance ahead of Shinjoku challenging Merci for the Hardweight title.

But there was a problem.

And that problem was the Godslayer.

Crashing the match by throwing Fukumaru and Shinjoku out of the ring, Akira Hanazawa went right after Powerslam Anubis, and the Judgment King and the Godslayer brawled to the back in hectic fashion. With the manner in which Hanazawa stormed the ring, the referee had no choice but to throw the entire match out!

It’s only natural that the Godslayer has a bone to pick with Powerslam Anubis, considering Hanazawa’s epithet and Anubis’s… everything. After they were broken up, the two immediately demanded to face one another at Explosion!! in Osaka.

It’s a huge test for the Judgment King. Only two men have ever defeated Akira Hanazawa in Bang! Pro Wrestling. Can Anubis add his name to such a lofty list, or will the Godslayer… well, slay another god?

Karen Nakano
RingDispatch.com