Think Red #1
Dear Comrades! Finally, after so many years and mountains upon mountains of letters and electronic mail begging for the resurrection of what is, arguably, the most read and celebrated wrestling publication in history, yes indeed, “Think Red” has returned!
For those of you who have been living under a rock for, well, most of your lives, allow me to explain: Think Red is the completely unbiased, unfiltered, and unabashed wrestling column written by myself, Alexei Ruslan. I ask the tough questions. I give tough opinions. And I provide astounding insight into the world of wrestling.
So, without further ado! Comrades! Let us start Thinking Red!
What can be said about PRIME? First, I think back to my PCW and OSW days and how PRIME was back then. It was a flagging, hobbled, weakened federation propped up by lackluster talent and subpar athleticism. In so many ways I cannot blame such a morally bankrupt organization. How can one compete with such juggernauts as the two premier federations in the PTC? Particularly when they were each headlined, at one time, by the most dominant and overwhelming force in wrestling history? You know him as Praporshchik Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav. But I know him as comrade.
Yes, you should all be jealous. But never fear, Ivan is a comrade to all who deserve such a title!
Anyway, some may have said that PRIME was but the step child who had a redhead back then. And you know what? They would have been right!
But sometimes, yes, history is not kind. The greatness that was PCW and OSW have fallen into the icy grips of history, along with my beloved Soviet Union. Thankfully, I am blessed with unending positivity and hope for the future! Like a cockroach that would refuse to succumb to the toxic radiation from whence it finds itself, PRIME simply refused to die and returned last year.
I know, my comrades, that many of you believed that the first show of PRIME’s new revival was UltraViolence, when Ivan Stanislav soundly defeated Hayes Hanlon, but that is not so! Prior to such a glorious event, PRIME limped along for the first half of 2022. Yes, it was headlined by no-names like Brandon Youngblood, The Anglo Luchador (more on him later), and other forgettable “personalities” who also have refused to go away (looking at you, Lindsay Troy).
Thankfully, PRIME is in a much better place now! The talent roster has grown to a point where my sources tell me that most viewers do not fall asleep throughout the broadcasts! I can only think of one force, one truly momentous force that is the cause of this: Ivan Stanislav. But of course, we all know this.
PRIME is in a wonderful spot now with such a talented man showing wrestling viewers what true competition is. I cannot go into many details, but PRIME begged, yes begged, to bring Ivan in to save them from the jaws of obscurity once again. And he delivered. How did he deliver? Well why not read on, my dear readers!
HOW to Defend PRIME
Let’s call it as it is, my friends: Ivan Stanislav is the unofficial World Champion of High Octane Wrestling. You know it. I know it. And everyone who watched PWA-1 knows it. So many members of the PRIME roster let us down at PWA-1, but one man refused to budge. He refused to blink. And he delivered the most overwhelming defeat to Christopher America. Despite the mistreatment leveled our way from so many forces in PRIME, our pride and professionalism prevented us from descending into pettiness. We stood tall and did what no one else could do.
After all, where was Hayes Hanlon, the Universal Champion? He wasn’t on the show. He wasn’t even in the building! Is this the kind of representative that PRIME deserves? Perhaps. But is it the representative that PRIME will receive? To this I say nyet! No self-respecting Russian is going to stand by and let their organization be represented by part-time champions and violent sub-par suplexers.
Even I defended the honor of a pregnant woman clutching a baby and a puppy during the bout. Because it was the right thing to do.
That is why Ivan Stanislav stood up against Christopher America and vanquished him.
It was the right thing to do.
You think about that when you look at the other “PRIME” mainstays.
So we stand upon the precipice of ReVival 21. I admit many of the contests this evening are forgettable, but I know you all are so anxious to hear my thoughts. So allow me to offer some!
I figure I will dangle a carrot at this moment, my friends, but I wanted to let you all know that Ivan Stanislav will be giving a bombshell announcement at ReVival 21. So you all be sure to listen close as you watch. Who knows what the “Wrestler of the Evening” from PWA-1 might have to say!
Alias Title Tournament
This Alias Title is an interesting thing, and I believe it is a good title to have around. If I may say, I suggested this via email to Lindsay Troy when we returned in September. She would never admit it (and would probably refute it), but I’m happy to hear my input was taken to heart. Even if just privately.
I think it is fairly obvious what needs to be done with the Alias Title Tournament. I know it is on all your lips: The winner of the Alias Title Tournament should make their stipulation be that they give the title to Ivan Stanislav. Because after all, he is the one who is doing all the heavy lifting in PRIME. It’s irrefutable!
Newcomers in PRIME
But truly, there are a lot of interesting newcomers in PRIME. From Violet Samuellson, Kohime More, Rocky Pterodactyl, Edvard Cross, Mike McGee, Tyler Adrian Best, and Adam Ellis. To all you newcomers, should you wish to join The Red Army, or at least become enlightened politically, I encourage you to register for the Communist Party of your respective nations. If you require assistance, please let me know.
The Grin vs. The Loser
Yes, my friends, I came up with that joke on my own! Indeed, Tony Gamble has the chance to defeat Brandon Youngblood, perennial loser of PWA-1. I ran a poll, actually, from my hospital bed after PWA-1, and would you know that 99.9% of respondents thought that Brandon Youngblood was the biggest loser at PWA-1? It is true.
Now, I am no fan of Tony Gamble, but let us face it: Brandon Youngblood has been coasting along after receiving his lifetime retirement contract from Lindsay Troy. Personally, I am putting my money on Tony Gamble, if I gambled. Which I do not. Do you see the joke I made there? You are all so welcome!
Semi-Main Event: The Anglo Luchador vs. Paxton Ray for Some Secondary Title
There are few men who are as reviled in PRIME, and for good reason. He is a liar. He is a cheat. He shows no morality. And he will do anything and everything in order to justify his actions. I am, of course, writing about The Anglo Luchador. What a blight he has been on PRIME for so long.
I ask you, how many times have we had to listen to him talk about how great he is?
How many times have we had to weather his “I’m number 1” talk both publicly and privately?
How many times do we have to endure his drunken ramblings and stupid talk about his family?
Yes, Paxton Ray did send Jonathan Rhine to the hospital, but perhaps we should consider that Rhine may have had a weak spine to begin with? I just like to give alternate perspectives sometimes. You know, think critically.
Dare I say… Think Red!
This title match includes barbed wire for ropes, because bloodshed and possible hospitalization, maiming, or death equals ratings in the “Lindsay-Troy-Guide-to-Making-Money-at-the-Expense-of-Talent” book. Keep in mind I use the word “talent” very freely.
The fact is that The Anglo Luchador is a user of people. He uses all of you to prop up his own sense of entitlement. He uses your ears and eyeballs to listen, hear, and read his vain attempts to make himself better than he really is (which isn’t really that good). Why, as fellow communists (and as he is a Trotskyist I am granting him a great deal of leeway), we extended an olive branch and invited him to join us in our bout against GAS. You should have seen his face. His tears were so great, they soiled his mask!
And then after Ivan dragged his rear end through the match and won, he went back to attacking us. Not very friendly, is it? Or professional.
Paxton, please put this idiot in traction. Or at the very least, break his jaw and his fingers so we are all granted a minutes’ peace!
Regardless, whoever the winner is would do well to simply offer the title to Ivan Stanislav, the true hero of PRIME. It is the least you could do, you damned capitalists.
The Main Event: Cancer Jiles vs. Ivan Stanislav
I date myself, but I must make this known. In earlier days of wrestling, the main event was not often the last match on the card. No, it was next to last, because good, hard working people had to rise early to feed their families, and could not stay up to watch the last match (which was usually some throwaway waste of time).
This is the case at ReVival 21!
Our comrades in China believe this is the year of the rabbit. But rest assured, my friends, this is the year of the Bear. What a miscarriage of justice this match is, but a necessary hoop for Ivan Stanislav to jump through. After all, Cancer Jiles, a horribly failed Universal Champion, loses the title at Colossus and then is immediately put into a match to have a shot at it again?
Who books this shit?
I can only think that this was an attempt, by management, to further punish Jiles by putting him up against the premier athlete in PRIME. The unofficial champion of HOW. The locker room leader: Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav.
What needs to be said? Workers around the world will go to sleep knowing justice was served after Ivan thoroughly destroys Cancer Jiles and buries COOLYMPUS under a ton of Russian steel. It will be a historic night, comrades. And we will be one step closer to wresting honor back into the hands of the people in PRIME.
ReVival 21 is shaping up to be quite the show, is it not? I for one am so excited to watch Ivan in the Main Event. Also, what of this announcement? I haven’t even published this yet and people are asking me. It’s that exciting!!
I will have an extended version of this publication written for my Russian countrymen, but my editor tells me that Western attention spans have grown even shorter since last time I wrote, so this should not go much longer. So, with that in mind, I just want to leave you with an inspirational quote. To many of you, this will bring warmth to your hearts and bring back memories of my past publications:
“Think about this upcoming Main Event! Think about Ivan’s grand announcement! Think about how much better PRIME has been since that fateful evening in September when we returned! But always, dear Comrades, Think Red!!”
-Alexei Gregorovich Ruslan