Think Red #2
Back by so much popular demand, the muse has struck me late into the night and here I am writing yet another edition of the most popular wrestling publication in the history of the sport: Think Red! We have a ReVival 21 Wrap Up from that cesspool, Tampa, Florida! We have ReVival 22 analytical predictions still from the perennial crazy state of Florida in Orlando! And a Wrestler Spotlight!
Speaking of Florida. I know I speak for us all when I say that it will not be too soon when we finally leave that wretched state. How lucky I am to be able to leave and return to the Motherland whenever I wish. What idiot would start a wrestling tour in Florida, of all places?
Don’t answer that. We all know who it is.
Ivan Stanislav Bravely Stands Up to Pretender Champion and Capitalist Harpy!
Yes, in what most pundits are calling the most heroic and captivating introduction to any televised wrestling program of this decade, Ivan Stanislav spoke for the people and shouted down the gloating Hayes Hanlon and Lindsay Troy as they antagonized the fans at ReVival 21.
Such fearlessness was truly inspiring, and I have to say how proud I am to have stood next to Ivan as he spoke for all of us in his denunciation of the would-be Universal Champion: Hayes Hanlon.
Hanlon, you may remember, was too busy to even defend PRIME’s honor at PWA-1. Nevertheless, Ivan Stanislav stood up against the other federations of PWA and put them on notice, soundly defeating Christopher America, HOW’s World Champion.
Tears could be seen in Lindsay Troy’s eyes as she realized the error of her ways, while Hayes Hanlon reportedly had to change his pants afterwards and called his mother for words of encouragement.
This is not the sort of champion PRIME deserves. Ivan soundly defeated him at UltraViolence. This is incontrovertible. He simply does not have what it takes.
New Blood in PRIME
Have myself and Praporshchik Stanislav been in PRIME long enough to no longer be “new?” That is a hard question to ask. But the truth is we have several new, or returning, faces to PRIME and they are making some interesting waves. Eddie Cross, Tyler Adrian Best, Adam Ellis, and Violet Samuelsson. I want to take this moment out to let all of the new blood be aware that Ivan Stanislav is a friend to all young people, and new members of PRIME roster. As THE locker room leader, it is his responsibility. Also, do not cross him. Keep in your lanes. You can thank me later!
Anglo Luchador Loses to Paxton Ray, who becomes Intense Champion in Semi-Main Event
What can be said? Wishy-washy Lindsay Troy failed to collar Paxton Ray. Jared Sykes was unable to put the Butcher down. And now The Anglo Luchador has lost his title. This all goes back to not just poor management, but also a sub-par performance by The Luchador. Congratulations to Paxton Ray. You have won the title, worked the system to such a point that you are a full time member of the roster, and have begun to lay the groundwork for quite the legacy in PRIME. Everyone got what they deserved.
Ivan Stanislav Demolishes Cancer Jiles in Blockbuster Main Event!
In what was no doubt one of the most riveting main events in PRIME history, Ivan Stanislav soundly defeated former PRIME Universal Champion Cancer Jiles in explosive fashion. Jiles, who had held the title since Stanislav entered PRIME last September only to lose it at Colossus, was positively neutered in his attempts to overcome The Russian Bear.
Stanislav beat the former champion to such a degree that he uncontrollably vomited in the middle of the bout, while Ivan squeezed the life out of him in a bearhug. Showing incredible situational awareness, Stanislav was able to redirect the vomit elsewhere, while Jiles puked out begging words of mercy for all to hear.
It’s safe to say that COOLYMPUS is nothing more than a faded memory. After the match, Jiles was seen being carted away backstage to the nearby hospital, and he’s suffered debilitating injuries not just to his psyche, but physically as well.
He should have known better, my dear friends. Maybe he will learn?
Will anybody learn? To get into the wrestling ring with Ivan Stanislav is, quite simply, folly.
ReVival 22 Preview
It was devastating for most PRIME fans when they saw that Ivan Stanislav was not booked for ReVival 22, but if The Russian Bear was booked for every show, eventually there would be no roster left. They would all be in the ICU!
Still, perhaps Lindsay Troy got lucky with some fairly solid matches being provided on this card.
I will do some predictions-
Alias Title Tournament: Kenny Freeman defeats Mortimer Nightingale– Freeman wins. Mortimer still hasn’t recovered from his match against the strongest force in PRIME- Ivan Stanislav.
Alias Title Tournament: Darin Zion defeats Ned Reform– I cannot side with a libertarian. Reform loses.
Coral Avalon defeats Lunchbox Larry– Two losers if you ask me. Avalon was so useless against Ivan Stanislav earlier this year. But still, I’m not going to bet on someone named Lunchbox Larry.
FLAMBERGE defeats Nova– FLAMBERGE has been horribly mistreated in PRIME. He’ll use that as fuel to take out the old veteran. FLAMBERGE- The invite to be part of The Red Army still stands!
Jared Sykes defeats Abe Lipschitz– I think this Abe fellow is too busy thinking about hats. Right? Is this the hat guy? I like hats. I wear a hat all the time. But I don’t let it define me. Sykes, well he’s an idiot, but somehow he manages to win.
Sage Pontiff defeats Matt Ward– Matt Ward, also known as Tchu, is a loser. He wrestled Ivan Stanislav twenty years ago and I’m sure he’s still nursing his wounds. Sage Pontiff wins.
Five Star Championship: Anna Daniels defeats Nate Colton– It would be foolish to think Nate Colton is a winner. His family is full of losers. And why is there a piglet on his shoulder? Anna Daniels, rather eccentric as she is, should hopefully pull through and give some prestige to the Five Star Championship once again.
Universal Championship: Hayes Hanlon and Rezin– No Contest. I predict both Hanlon and Rezin to forfeit the match, knowing the winner would be closer to having a match against Ivan Stanislav. Seriously. I doubt they will even show up.
Wrestler Spotlight- The Anglo Luchador
My friends, I try my best to be equitable with the talent here at PRIME. And so, I have decided to revive my Wrestler’s Spotlight from yesteryear. Despite so many offers for would-be interviews, I have decided to spotlight The Anglo Luchador in this edition.
Keep in mind, this was written prior to his absolute meltdown after his loss to Paxton Ray. Some can handle the pressure, others cannot. Either way, I present this weeks spotlight: The Anglo Luchador:
Alexei Ruslan: How many years have you been in the wrestling business?
TAL: I got my start around 1999-2000, fresh out of high school and wrestling school. I don’t want to claim all that time as mine since I spent a spell on the shelf and then just stayed at home to help my wife raise our kids. The love of wrestling never left, but I was hurt all the time, banged up, concussed. When I tore my latissimus dorsi in 2007, I thought that was it, physically. But it wasn’t.
Alexei Ruslan: Do you have any family who are also in the wrestling business?
TAL: None currently active. All my brothers tried to make it in the biz, but only Michael had success comparable to mine. Our dad was a wrestler too. Lorenzo “The Italian Stallion” Battaglia. Not sure if you got much info on the American scene in Russia, but he was a big deal on the East Coast. Fought Hornet to a time-limit draw in a regional supercard once in 1985. Some of my uncles dabbled too, but again, dad was the only one who got famous famous.
Alexei Ruslan: What is your proudest accomplishment, thus far, in PRIME?
TAL: It’s going to sound corny, especially since I actually won a belt and held it for over half-a-year, but coming back, feeling the rush of the crowd at the MGM Grand, hitting the ring for my first match back against Alexander Redding. I didn’t know if I could do it, and in some ways, I still don’t know if I can. But when I’m in the ring, I get the adrenaline flowing, the blood pumping, and then I do things that I thought I stopped being able to do in 2007. The first time is always the hardest but the most rewarding.
Alexei Ruslan: Which wrestler has been your greatest inspiration and why?
TAL: In the past, the great luchadores like El Guapo Grande, La Sirena del Gulfo, Aztec Warrior, and of course the founding fathers El Santo and Blue Demon, they were the ones I looked up to most. Since coming back, and I hate that she elected to leave, Ria Lockhart inspired me greatly. She made me want to be a better wrestler and person. All the stuff she went through, some of it I inflicted regrettably, and she still came out on the other side. She’s not here, but she grew so much.
Alexei Ruslan: What is the most memorable match you have had? Why?
TAL: The Pier Six Brawl in A1E that I won. Almost the entire roster was in the match, a battle royale, not unlike the one we’re going to have at Culture Shock. I outworked the whole roster, outhustled them. I lasted the whole thing, threw out a bunch of people. It was the pinnacle of my career in the first fed that I was ever part of, and for a moment, it felt like I rose above all the heartache and own goals that I suffered while there. It led to my first World Championship, but for some reason, the battle royale, that was the peak.
Alexei Ruslan: What is your opinion on the concept of workers controlling the means of production?
TAL: Well, Alexei, you know I am staunchly in the camp of glorious proletarian revolution. It would be a dream if we threw off the shackles of capital and all did their part to create a society where everyone’s needs were met. Unfortunately, and I hate to be a doomer here, that goal was much more attainable when Marx and Engels and Lenin were writing their tomes. Since then, the arms race has escalated direly. The establishment has tanks and cluster bombs and drones and nukes. The worker of the world may have an AR-15 if they’re lucky. The deck is stacked. But one cannot give up hope, I suppose.
Alexei Ruslan: What are your aspirations in PRIME for 2023?
TAL: Nothing less than the Universal Championship, to be honest. I say this sitting with scars all over my body from Paxton Ray, but I felt the will to fight leaving his body when I was thrashing him in that ring. I just didn’t finish the job, but I was razor close to doing it. And know I’ve learned how to deal and adjust. I think the path is ahead of me.
Alexei Ruslan: How overjoyed were you when Ivan Stanislav defeated Cancer Jiles?
TAL: Well, uh, I guess, uh… I gotta level with you. Jiles was running on fumes by that point. Home Run Hayes really was the one who cracked that egg. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jiles is a tough out. Impressive win for Mr. Stanislav here. But it’s just… I don’t know, man. Ivan vs. Hayes 2 will be cool though. Yeah.
Alexei Ruslan: Please give five positive words that describe Ivan Stanislav.
TAL: Doesn’t smell like canned tuna.
Alexei Ruslan: How excited were you to see a true Communist join our ranks, with Ivan Stanislav and myself?
TAL: To be honest, I am a bit skeptical of your cheerleading of Vladimir Putin. Imperialist war for land? Even with the fascists in the Ukrainian army, I am unwary to support Russia when they discarded the Soviet Union so cavalierly those three fateful decades ago, or any state for that matter, except for maybe the great Aztec Empire of years past. But that’s…. Well, that’s more for religious reasons than anything. Anyway, I will say Comrade Ivan’s knowledge of theory is impressive, and I appreciate someone on the roster who isn’t afraid to speak up for the worker.
Alexei Ruslan: If, for some strange reason, your most memorable match was not tagging with Ivan Stanislav, how memorable was that match?
TAL: Well, you’ll never forget being tagged on the chest with a big paw or being thrown into two wannabe mobsters *laughs*. In all seriousness, it was one of the highlights of my tenure in PRIME, even though of all my opponents, only Brandon Youngblood and Paxton Ray hit me harder than Ivan did via tags. It was good to get out of a comfort zone, to be honest.
I want to thank The Anglo Luchador for being willing to be part of this spotlight. So often he is antagonistic… and he was rather civil this time.
Nevertheless, my dear friends, I know attention spans can be short, and I should, as they say, wrap this up. So I leave you with this:
Think about ReVival 22! Think about the sacrificial lamb for Ivan Stanislav, should either Hayes Hanlon or Rezin actually try to win, or maintain, the Universal Title! Think about how heroic Ivan Stanislav and myself are, each and every day, fighting for you!! And of course, my dear comrades…
…always, always Think Red!
-Alexei Gregorovich Ruslan