RUMOR MILLS: FEBRUARY 8TH EDITION

Hello again everyone, Matt Mills here and no, I’m not stressing out about being told I’ve been assigned to interview Justine Calvin on ReVival in two days no siree I’m sure she won’t ask me about Gary at all ha ha ha why do you ask……..?

Anyway here are some rumors!

 

• • In preparation for the massive cross country tour PRIME is undertaking, Timo Bolamba has been rumored to be looking into acquiring tour busses for PRIME members to use and has it has been reported he and El Temblor are hard at work getting their CDL license. Of course, when asked by a nosy reporter, he simply said “Shhhhh, it’s supposed to be a surprise for PRIME! Are you writing that? No, stop writing every… I said stop… oh man, now Sykes and Rhine are never going to let me hear the end of this.”

 

• • Rumor has it that despite pressure to the contrary, Ned Reform “is not doing this right now.” More as it develops.

 

• • There is a rumor that Senior Officiant Timo Bolamba’s goggles are pre-sold out on the PRIMEporium. Of course, this is only a rumor and Anna Daniels has not even officially declared that they will be for sale, but an anonymous source has said that seeing Cancer Jiles fail so epically in his attempts to thwart Ivan and Timo have sent the interest skyrocketing.

 

• • Cancer Jiles is reportedly seeking treatment with several specialists in the Philadelphia area for his undisclosed injury. There is no truth to the rumor that these “specialists” are all workers at Total Wine in Claymont, DE, however we at Rumor Mills can confirm that the store has requested extra truckloads of Miller Lite be on hand by the weekend for “a very COOL customer.”

 

• • After the success of Jared Sykes’ Sweet Hams recipe went viral, there is a rumor that he might be involved with a reality show traveling across Europe to taste delicacies in Spain, Italy, and Germany. The show will be on the ACE Network and will be called “The King of Hams.”

 

• • Ever since his breakdown and unplanned trip to Mexico to try and compete in a Lucha event, it has been heavily speculated that The Anglo Luchador will be featured as one of the final guests during the 2023 farewell season of Dr. Phil.

 

• • An eagle-eyed witness has come forward to proclaim to The Daily Borscht, a Russian tabloid, that Ivan Stanislav received his prodigious size and power after reading too many Grecian myths, and Ivan’s mother dipped him into the waters of Lake Karachay as an infant.

Because it’s definitely not steroids. We inquired with Alexei Ruslan and were quickly rebuffed.

When asked about the rumor, a person who wished to be unidentified simply said: “Tagaloa rolled boulders from the heavens and they became islands, I guess anything is possible.”

 

• • Universal Champion Hayes Hanlon is rumored to have been approached by a certain magazine that features beefy men in the buff for a full centerfold spread.

When asked about the revelation, a representative for the publication stated, “We heard he liked strip clubs, so we thought we would return the favor to the throbbing masses. Also, have you seen that mustache? Nobody under the age of Tom Selleck can pull that off. We have to get in while the getting is good on that caterpillar.”

True or false? You be the judge, but one thing is clear, Hayes might have some tricky decisions to make in the future.

 

• • Rumors are flying as the National Organization of Pork Elevation has woefully misconstrued the phrase “hanging hog” and the scuttlebutt is that they plan to protest Nate Colton’s match at ReVival 22.

Even worse, the group has elected a speaker that clearly doesn’t understand the concept of a double entendre as they were quoted as having said, “Farmers everywhere put these wonderful animals through cruel means just to fed the gluttonous peoples of America. We here at N.O.P.E. seek to raise hogs, not let them hang.”

It’s difficult to know what the end game of N.O.P.E. is, but one thing seems to be clear: they have a bone to pick with Nate Colton.

 

• • There are rumors circulating of a campaign within PRIME to have Timo Bolamba stripped of his role as head referee citing a potential conflict of interest as his son Eddie Cross is now a full-time member of the active roster. This, coupled with some unease about his long-standing friendship with Ivan Stanislav, who recently won the right to challenge for the Universal Championship, has led some to question whether Bolamba can remain truly impartial.

“It’s not a good look for him or the company,” one source said on condition of anonymity. “We all know he’s a decent guy and that he means well, but the optics around this are a little sketchy. It also doesn’t set the best example for folks like [Jimmy] Turnbull, [Ashley] Barlow, and [Elvis] Nixon.”

No official protest had been filed with the PRIME offices at the time of publication.

 

• • Despite the interest that’s been building for The Madhouse, little is known about the event or the people running it. However, a few rumors have leaked recently about the event organizers, including the identity of two of them.

Charles Beckett, retired wrestler and current YouTube star, is said to be the event’s Director of Logistics, which raises concern for both The Madhouse and the very concept of logistics. In his past escapades, Beckett has been linked to a variety of crimes against reality, including but not limited to: a widespread ninja infestation, airship theft, the brief temporal displacement of Benjamin Franklin, a near-dissolution of all reality in 2005, and “The Incident.”

Also involved is Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq. who, according to his business card, is a “manager, promotor, reporter, evil mastermind, doctor-lawyer, sous chef, fishwife, duck husband, day care provider, and super funky dancing machine.” Reports state that he will be the event’s Director of Construction and that he has been giggling madly for the last week about something called a “skunk-a-pult.”

The Madhouse would like to take this opportunity to remind the participants who have already signed up for the event that there is no escape clause.

 

• • Despite not being a member of the PRIME roster – or the roster for any PWA affiliate federation for that matter – word is making the rounds through the dark web* that the notorious Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq. has been trying to find a way to acquire time on the next episode of ReVival. When questioned about this, Zeke offered the following statement from his secret underground lair which we are told is absolutely not just a basement:

“Hello, yes. There may or not be some truth to the notion that I have been in communication with the minions of Lizzie Horse, however despite my many nefarious pedigrees everything is on the up-and-up. Above board. Up-front. In good-faith. Plus many other short words and phrases that all mean the same thing. It is important that I, a completely legitimate businessman who is not at all a ne’er-do-well, do not run afoul of her bird force. That was some bird humor, you see.”

Zeke, who somehow maintains access to the company’s Jabber platform despite not actually working here, said nothing when told he has made this same joke elsewhere.

*Editor’s Note – The “dark web” referenced in this article is a mesh of black yarn where our staff found a series of Post-It notes. While many of these notes contained utter nonsense, there was one that read “BUY PRIME CENTRAL TIME.”

 

• • According to sources, the members of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate were seen at a Las Vegas flea market selling t-shirts out of the back of a van. There appeared to be boxes of VCR’s, 8 track players, and pull-out car stereos as well, but nothing seemed to be selling. They apparently couldn’t even give away the free samples. One customer was heard yelling, “No NINTENDO” as they scurried past.

 

• • Fans are buzzing about new PRIME merchandise set to debut later this year!

The first wave of PRIME Wrestle Buddies has been a huge success–Series 1 sold out well before Christmas, allowing stockings everywhere to be filled with stuffed likenesses of Hayes Hanlon, Brandon Youngblood, The Anglo Luchador, and King Blueberry. While more were being made, two “special edition” Buddies were also manufactured in limited quantities: Nate Colton and an oversized Ivan Stanislav. These sold out quickly after ReV21, despite the higher price on the Stanislav model and the fact that the Colton toy didn’t look as true-to-life as the others. Word from the factory is that the model was supposed to be based on someone else, but was replaced at the last minute by Colton.

Series 2 is already in the design stage, and there are no shortage of names to choose from. According to our sources, we may see plush versions of Justine Calvin, FLAMBERGE, the Winds of Change, Tony Gamble, and possibly a non-Blueberry Jared Sykes. While the manufacturing company has not reached a decision yet, they are said to be relying heavily on sales analysis provided by the ACE Network.

Also on the way is the Colossus Champions 5-Pack, featuring action figures of all PRIME champions as of the end of the year, as well as the PRIME Colossus Action Wrestling Ring. And of course, there will be new t-shirts, posters, foam fingers…anything a fan might need to show love to their favorite PRIME stars.

 

• • Rumor has it that Coral Avalon has developed a fear of bicycles after the incident in Bang! Pro Wrestling that injured his arm, as fans claim they watched him flinch when a couple of bicyclers approaching him after ReVival 21 went off the air. Rumors that he screamed, “BEGONE FROM ME, FOUL DEMON!” and made a cross with his fingers are currently being investigated.

 

• • Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips of the Winds of Change are currently training away from Coral Avalon and his Gates of Avalon Wrestling School in preparation for their pending tag team title rematch against the former Kings of Popsicles, Jared Sykes and Justine Calvin. Sid may be trying to learn a new, non-powerbomb move, but requires “non-standard” training to achieve such a goal. Bungee cords, trampolines, monster truck tires, a live chicken, and an unalive chicken have all been rumored to be involved.

 

• • A rumor was submitted to us by an anonymous source. It was a slip of paper with only the word “Powerbombs?” written on it. No leads on where it came from, of course, but the mind boggles on what this could possibly mean.

 

• • There was some confusion amongst fans following ReVival 21 regarding the Love Convoy. Several months ago, PRIME President Lindsay Troy banned Love Convoy members Jonathan-Christopher Hall, Vickie Hall, Darin Zion, and Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy from being at ringside for – and interfering in – each others’ matches and, more specifically, the Halls could not be within 100 feet of each other while on PRIME programming or promoting the company. These bans seem to have been quietly lifted following Colossus and the Convoy’s defeat in the Tag Title match against the Kings of Popsicles.

When asked about this further, Troy merely smirked and offered no additional comment.

 

• • Rumor has it that Universal Pictures has reached out to PRIME and Ivan Stanislav in an attempt to have The Russian Bear help promote their upcoming black comedy thriller film “Cocaine Bear.”

Ivan Stanislav was questioned at the Las Vegas Airport, shortly after leaving his business dinner with Lindsay Troy. Stanislav was quoted as saying, “I, like most people, enjoy a good documentary. I will not confirm nor deny the validity of this rumor. But I have no doubt that this film must be very deep study of American drug subculture to include how the capitalist government has, as a whole, failed the American people and have reduced them to animals who are unable to break away from their crippling consumerism.” Stanislav then walked away.

For the record, the entire premise of the movie is: “After ingesting a duffel bag full of cocaine, an American black bear goes on a killing rampage in a small Georgia town where a group of locals and tourists must join forces to survive the attack.”

 

• • We know that The Anglo Luchador made waves showing up at HLL Uno Midweek Mayhem last week. Sources say Lindsay Troy is furious with him, and she only took suspension off the table because of previously planned and announced engagements. We’re hearing word of an “unprecedented” fine. We don’t know the dollar amount, but our source said, “Expect the Luchador to be working for free until at least Culture Shock.”

However, the juiciest gossip comes from why El Monolito was the one to answer his challenge. The heat is from LUCHA ESPECIAL 1, where all three of his partners flaked on him and left him to take on the team of Mushigihara, David Fox, Leon Van Zandt, and Alex Andersen by himself. Our lucha spies say his bloodlust is still hot and heavy…

 

• • In the days leading up to ReVival 22, there have been unverified reports of rampant acts of vandalism, assault, and destruction of property at the city of Orlando’s Disney World resort.

Witnesses have reported seeing multiple fires breaking out at Spaceship Earth, numerous Disney princesses being publicly tarred and feathered (with the exception of Pocahontas) for being “imperialist scum royalty,” pens to the animatronic beasts of the Animal Kingdom being opened, and every single Baby Yoda display in Galaxy’s Edge being defaced and destroyed.

While no aerial anarchists have come forward claiming responsibility for these random acts of chaos, a list of demands was found by park authorities:

1.) The immediate liberation of the Uyghur peoples from Chinese internment camps
2.) REOPEN THE PIRATES RIDE, DAMBIT!!

 

• • Rumors abound that in a desperate bid to gain attention from his one-time client, Daniel Darby may have invested hefty sums towards developing sponsorships for Brets Chips and Better Help for a vehicle, ANY vehicle, involved with NASCAR.

If true, be on the lookout for a highly volatile, moody, and introspective pace car in the near future.

 

• • Oh, and one more thing about the Anglo Luchador. Remember when he teased going to the Mud Pits after that fracas on the HLL Uno show? Yeah, he was going to do it, and our sources at the airlines said that a flight from Love Field to Louis Armstrong International in New Orleans was cancelled at the last minute. Sounds like someone talked him off a proverbial ledge.