RUMOR MILLS: FEBRUARY 21ST EDITION

• • After the events surrounding the main event of ReVival 22, it is heavily rumored that Senior Officiant Timo Bolamba will be seeking additional punitive measures for Ivan Stanislav for his behavior and interference in the match.

When a content creator for a popular wrestling video channel called Timo out in public at a local supermarket, the Samoan (still in a sling to protect his shoulder) had this to say:

“You don’t know Ivan like I do. He would have threw a temper tantrum the size of an entire daycare full of Kardashian babies if I had tried to remove him from the ring. It was the safest route. Regrettably, though, it put a negative shade on a great match.”

When asked point blank if there would be repercussions, Timo simply said, “I call the match in the ring, not out of it. It’s not up to me, but if I had my way, yes.”

No word on possible punishment pending for the proletariat parading pompously as a Praporschchik.

 

• • After nearly a week of being off the grid, and thousands of unsubstantiated “#rezinsightings” being reported across the country, the Universal Champion of PRIME was finally seen in public.

The appearance took place at DEFIANCE Wrestling’s DEFtv182 event, held last Thursday night in Boston. At the event, Rezin loudly proclaimed himself to be at war with Vae Victis, the group led by none other than reigning FIST of DEFIANCE and CEO of PRIME, Lindsay Troy. Following the promo, he was summarily defeated in a grievously one-sided over-the-top-rope challenge against High Octane Wrestling star, and Vae Victis member, Clay Byrd.

Rumors are abound that Alexa Van Horn of the ACE Network was in Boston that night in a desperate search for the PRIME Universal Champion. However, by the time the event was over, the Escape Artist had yet again disappeared.

There has been no word on the exact wherebouts of the coveted Universal Title, which still hasn’t been seen since ReVival 22 went off the air. It’s currently unknown if Rezin will be at ReVival 23, but with the show scheduled to take place in New Orleans, the unofficial home of DEFIANCE Wrestling, speculation is high (no pun intended) that the Universal Champion will make an appearance.

 

• • PRIME offices are tight-lipped on why The Anglo Luchador received such a stiff fine for showing up at the Feb. 1 episode of HLL Uno Midweek Mayhem, but our well-placed sources have all the hot goss. Regarding the severity of the fine, it was not Lindsay Troy’s first choice of punishment. She wanted him suspended until after Culture Shock for several violations of his contract, including appearing elsewhere without prior clearance, violating doctor’s orders to appear in a ring without clearance, and performing actions that might have brought bad press to PRIME and the ACE Network. However, she was talked down by several members of the PRIME Executive Staff even before the Luchador had a chance to plead his case.

As for the fine, this is even more nebulous a rumor, so take it was a grain of salt. But sources say the Luchador didn’t even pay it himself; several sponsors came forward to pay it on his behalf. Again, this information came from an anonymous source, and no one has confirmed it, but keep an eye on the shows over the coming weeks for any unusual product placement to see who might have footed the bill for the consequences of this tirade.

 

• • The Gates of Avalon Wrestling School has sent home all of its students this past week, advising them to seek tutelage under Sonny Silver’s Silver Lining Gym or other Pacific Northwest wrestling schools, and has cleared out of the building they were using. There’s currently no reason given as to the sudden disappearance of a storied wrestling school that has produced such talents as Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar, Greg New York, Curtis Alexander Brown and others, but Avalon and head coach Franco Marchesi are both said to be furious over the entire situation.

Avalon has not returned any messages from the Rumor Mills offices at this time. His wife, however, did answer one phone call and expressly asked if it was Gary, and then casually mentioned that she “also” knows what Gary looks like and pleasantly described what she might do if any uncouth rumors were to appear in our publication about her husband.

No further phone calls were made after that.

 

• • There is a rumor that newly crowned Universal Champion Rezin is hard at work writing a recipe for his “Special” Brownies in an effort to be noticed and sent an invitation to the Great British Bake Off tent.

While Rezin isn’t even from Britain (we think), and nobody can confirm or deny that he has any baking skills in the first place, it can’t be denied that if anyone knows how to make “special” brownies, it’s Rezin.

Based on the fact that other members of PRIME have submitted recipes in the past that have gone on to acclaim and invites from cooking competitions, The Goat Bastard’s plans, if they are indeed true, don’t seem so crazy, do they?

 

• • One up and coming PRIME member seems to have found an unlikely source of fans – geriatrics. A lady who only agreed to be identified as “Esmeralda” at the Green As It Gets Acres assisted living facility in Laredo, Texas has started a fan club – Rock Me for Rocky. She and, as we understand it, “six and growing” other horny old bats get together and stare at their TV through coke bottle lenses, hoping to get a glimpse of de Leon’s abs.

When asked for comment, Rocky’s manager, Stu Weiler, replied, “I’m sorry, did you just say ‘GILF?'”

 

• • In more Rocky news, the local scuttlebutt is that the youngster will be starring in a reboot of the popular 90’s tv show “Dinosaurs” where he will be playing a Pterodactyl that makes his living filming risque videos for a prehistoric version of modern fan interaction platforms called “OnlyFangs.”

Who is his character? Well, the rumored name is Fred David Phillips, but pteranodon-eyed viewers will see what those initials spell: FDP.

 

• • Sid Phillips is rumored to have unlocked the secrets of the “double reverse quadruple wheelbarrow powerbomb.” God have mercy on us all.

 

• • In a shocking turn of events, an insider at Ann Taylor Lofts denies that Mike McGee has ever worked there, much less that he “built their HR department.”

When questioned about McGee’s role in Ann Taylor Lofts management, our source said: “Mike McGee? Do you mean that dude that stands outside the building and makes growling noises on occasion? We’ve had him escorted off the property like six times. Management has been debating a restraining order, but ultimately he seems harmless. The guys in sales think of him like an office mascot. One dude is so superstitious that he only calls big fish clients when McGee is outside.”

Does he even own a Kia? It’s no longer clear. Per our source, “He stands by that car a lot, but I’ve never seen him get in it. I think it might be long to someone at Dollar Tree next door.”

We will bring you more news as this story unfolds.

 

• • Word on the street is that Matt Ward isn’t the only PRIME wrestler with an endorsement deal coming this way, as we here at the rumor office have heard reports that Jared Sykes is currently in negotiations with both Kleenex brand facial tissues and Crocs footwear. No doubt these are related to the wrestler’s famed propensity for crying.

Sykes returned to the sport at the start of 2022 after over a decade away, and while both Kleenex and Crocs no doubt are must-haves for any emotional shut-in – for various reasons we won’t get into here – we here at Rumor Mills are choosing to believe it’s for the crying, because the other thing is gross.

 

• • Joe Fontaine is rumored to be looking for a sponsorship, but only because everyone else seems to have one and he doesn’t want to get left out.

 

• • A bombshell rumor has been making the rounds that is sure to be seismic: Ivan Stanislav, known for his salt and pepper facial hair, is rumored to consider dyeing his mustache! Is the Russian Bear going after all things Hayes Hanlon?!

 

• • Noticeably absent from ReVival 22’s news and notes is one Kenny Freeman (or any of them, I guess)…but now, we can finally speculate here on the Rumor Mills why that is!

As discussions on Jabber have circled around various hangout spots in New Orleans in time for ReVival 23 from the Smoothie King Center, the hot rumor seems to persist that Kenny and his amazing…friends?…may or may not be there.

And, as the kids say, the reason may surprise you.

Kenny was last seen still hiding in the broom closet at the Amway Center in Orlando after incurring the wrath of Ivan Stanislav on Jabber shortly after ReVival 22 went off the air.

Needless to say, if Kenny does NOT show up at ReVival 23 in Nawlins…that’s why.

Hate to see it.

 

• • Russians Pushing for More Proletarians?

Alexei Ruslan spoke to several Russian leaders yesterday and decried the lack of diversity in PRIME’s staff corp. At the event, he specifically pointed out that their interviewers and referees are nothing but “lackeys of PRIME” and show “little individual thought or journalistic integrity.” Ruslan specifically pointed out the officiating crew, as well as the interviewers, to which he has said have treated, “those who are not capitalists lap dogs as secondary members of the roster.”

Ruslan went on to applaud past officiating by Speedy Riggs, the Cuban referee from PCW and OSW who was notorious for officiating (several say unfairly) many of Ivan Stanislav’s past matches. Ruslan also claimed there was poor racial diversity amongst the officiating crew. He then said the same for the backstage interviewers.

No one present dared to ask him anything other than softball questions, to which Ruslan repeatedly said that journalist Olga Karishnikov, from State run news agency “Russia Today,” was one of the best journalists in the business and the PRIME product would only be enhanced with a seasoned, impartial referee like Speedy Riggs.

Ruslan was challenged later online to explain why he seemed to ignore some of the more diverse members of PRIME staff, to include Timo Bolamba, Ashley Barlow, and Dametreus, while also challenged as to why Karishnikov, who is as white as Russian snow, should be considered.

His response: “Everyone knows Timo has it out for Ivan and myself. You could tell when he let Hayes Hanlon punch me at UltraViolence and again at ReVival 22. Barlow is from Chicago and Dametreus is from California!” This didn’t answer any of the questions, but he went on to push his own point, “If Speedy Riggs and the beautiful Ms. Karishnikov were added to PRIME’s proletariat, maybe faith could once again be restored to the product!”

Is Ruslan and the Russians trying to pressure PRIME into a more “diverse” cast of characters who would be sympathetic to Ivan Stanislav? You be the judge.

 

• • Despite rumors to the contrary, no charges have been filed by the Policia Federal in Cancun in regards to a masked man streaking through the bazaar just outside of the hotel district claiming to remember the “Treachery of All.”

It was being reported for a short time that a seaborne reenactment of a pirate battle went awry when several members of a well known wrestling company appropriated the vessel via mock mutiny which apparently made the subject in question go, and I quote a blue masked attendant, “fucking apeshit with accusations of treachery,” before stripping to nothing but his birthday suit and a luchador mask and leaping overboard.

Several “donations” were rumored to be made to the local authorities by a man in face paint that asked not to be identified and to let the whole thing blow over.

 

• • If you live in the Las Vegas area, you’ll soon be able to see Nate Colton on your television, even when PRIME isn’t on the air!

The Five Star Champion recently filmed a few commercials for local businesses, ranging from restaurants to insurance to car dealerships. ACE Network’s Marketing department hailed these efforts as a “warm-up to bigger and better things,” hinting that larger deals might be in the works. There are several possibilities, but the most intriguing is FuzzyLove Toys, a company that specializes in stuffed animals.

In a recent phone call, Nate Colton spoke positively about the experience. “It was a lot of fun. I got to try something new, and develop some skills. Plus I got to meet some fans and signa few autographs. I look forward to doing this again.” When asked about a possible deal with FuzzyLove Toys, he claimed, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and hung up.

The filming crews raved about his performance, and rated his acting skill as “somewhere between a cardboard cutout of Hayden Christensen, and Hayden Christensen.”

 

• • Ahead of the Dangerous Mix’s coming chance at the PRIME Tag Team Championships at ReVival 23, there are murmurs about the future of the team in PRIME. David Fox, having openly expressed his intent to “wind down” a career spanning almost twenty-five years, has been heard in conversation saying this match, which will put him in the ring with one of his inspirations in Jared Sykes, is “probably as far as [Fox] can go in PRIME, with everything [he’s] been through, and in [his] current shape.” If the Dangerous Mix’s days in PRIME are indeed numbered, there is speculation as to whether Fox’s tag partner Mushigihara would stay in PRIME. The outcome of ReVival 23’s main event, of course, could throw any rumors in a loop, so tune in on the ACE Network this Friday night to see just who will leave the Smoothie King Center on top of the tag team division!