Posted on 03/15/23 by Cracking News Network
For immediate release:
Let the speculation begin!
You be the judge.
Yesterday, Bolamba One, aka Bandit One, aka Jiles’ private jet that he stole from a famous referee, was spotted on the tarmac of a Texas airport. With the up and coming ReVival taking place in San Antonio, and of course Culture Shock being held in Dallas, one might assume the lauded former Champion is in town for an extended stay.
Could it be that the infamous eggsecutioner is getting ready for a return to the ring?
The last time the PRIME world saw Cancer Jiles was in his first match back after losing the UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP to Hayes Hanlon at COOLOSSUS. ALL the way back at ReVival 21. Sadly, the COOLYMPIAN would go on and suffer yet another crushing defeat on that night; this time to Russian cub, Icup Stanislob.
Since then KING COOL has been off the grid.
We reached out to Camp Bandit for a comment and received the following official statement:
More on this as it develops?
-Rumor has it the real reason Bandit One was in Texas was because Bobby Dean had ballooned to over six hundred pounds, and the team was there for some sort of intervention. They had noted food psychologist Scott Stevens partake in the fun and games, and word is that early signs suggest Bobby has taken to the idea of eating vegetables on a stick. We wish him well in his recovery.
-Doozer was not seen at the intervention.*
-According to numerous unfounded reports, Lindsay Troy, PRIME BOSS, has reached out on more than one occasion to Cancer Jiles in regards to his return. As he unofficially puts it, “Yeah, she’s been begging me to come back. Always calling. Always wondering how I’m feeling. Always with the– please, come save us Cancer. Please, the MAIN EVENT needs you. Please, no one even knows who the champion is anymore. Please, save the Battle Royal that no one cares about. And I’m all like, bitch chill. I got dates in Missouri Valley.”
-Chris Chickentenders is rumored to be having a sit down interview with Cancer Jiles. It is also rumored that Cancer Jiles is going to retire from the sport of wrestling during said interview. What is confirmed as concrete is if the interview does happen, it will be conducted inside the ring, and after the conclusion of the Culture Shock night one MAIN EVENT. As a source close to the situation put it, “Big show, so ya gotta make sure the PRIMEates go home happy. And more importantly, that they come back the next day.”
-In an odd twist of fate, PRIME pillar and resident babbling tower, Brandon Youngblood, has gone from Culture Shock MAIN EVENTER to culture shock curtain jerker in the span of just one year. When asked about the demotion, and if in fact he needs Cancer more than Cancer needs him, he declined to respond.
-Months, and months later, Nova still wishes he could go back in time and change the outcome of his matches against Cancer Jiles.
Indicates Doozer still might have been there though.