A RETRACTION: SEKAI SAIKYŌ CUP

Hickie Vall here with another edition of A RETRACTION, where we fix the problems YOU want to see fixed! We only accept canon when it comes to love, convoys and Darin Zion*.

Apparently Vickie Hall has lost to say about this “tournament”. This is what she had to say in a letter addressed to me, a completely unbias 3rd party, Hickie Vall!

“I wanted to say this is a terrible tournament because nobody from the LOVE CONVOY was asked to join it like how can you run a stupid tournament when you’re literally looking at the survivor and almasy tournament winners in MY MAN Jonathan -Christopher Hall and his BEST FRIEND Darinm Zion and I am so fucking mad right now I am tyuping so quickly god dammit i am so annoyed by this company PRIME not giving us what we deserve which is the ULTIMATE SPOTLIGHT so my amazing Life partner (ALP) and I can go on the most magical mystery tour of all time.

Like OK can we actually get in on this tournament? How is my man not the strongest in the world? He most clearly is. He’s so impenetrable. Jonathan-Christopher would like to join in ROUND 3 after a couple weeks of a bye. We will go to Toyko, I hear it’s great there and it has Super Mario Bros Land there not that I would allow my adorable Jonathan-Christopher to play video games you see, he has his sights set on the PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

You read that right! This is THE stance we are taking! Sit down and shut up PRIMATES, you’re looking at the new #1 contender! We’re looking past Sage Pontiff already.

SO HOW ABOUT PUT HIM IN THE TOURNAMENT!? Ria Lockhart what a joke, my man can mangle that chick. I can mangle her, too! PUT ME IN THE TOURNAMENT!!!!!!”

Here is a breakdown of Vickie’s desires:

MARCH 19^th, 2023: SEKAI SAIKYOU CUP, FIRST ROUND, TOKYO, NIGHT 2

• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. Powerslam Anubis & Matthew “Hentai” @ 0:25 by pinfall with the Scales of Dominion (Fireman’s carry powerslam)
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. “Stuntman” Timmy Lester & Zenjiro Ikari @ 8:12 by pinfall with a flying splash
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. “Stunning” Sam Smart & “Picture Perfect” Jack Pizazz @ 12:08 by pinfall with the Smart Bomb (throwing crucifix powerbomb)
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. “Thick Walls” Wally Wallace & Cowbunga Kenji @ 10:09 by submission with the Walls of Wallace (Boston crab)
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. KAPPA & Junpei Tsukioka @ 5:09 by pinfall with the Come to the River (inverted snap scoop slam)
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. Sin Cordura & Hiro Taguchi @ 12:28 by pinfall with the El Verdugo (backwards springboard poison rana)
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. “President” Roosevelt Black & Seiko Serikawa @ 13:42 by pinfall with a triple jump moonsault
• Saikyō Cup, First Round: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL def. Ria Lockhart d& Dragon Matsumoto @ 16:06 by pinfall with the The Space Between Us (frogsplash)

Also Vickie says there are a few more issues.

-Too many wrestlers with “nicknames”. It’s silly, get over it and go by your real name. If you need to hide behind a gimmick, it ain’t right.
-No Jonathan-Christopher.
-No triple threat matches with Jonathan-Christopher.
-At least thank god Lindsay Troy doesn’t run this organization so maybe it’s actually tolerable.

Oh boy, looks like BANG! has to fix this problem immediately!

Also who puts an exclamation mark in their promotion title? What a joke, you don’t have to ram it down my throat and act like you’re a big deal! Call it Bang and stop with the ALL CAPS, too.

Anyway this is Hickie Vall signing off until next weeks A RETRACTION where we fix the issues YOU want to see fixed! It usually means the LOVE CONVOY is on the scene. HONK, HONK!

*please note Darin Zion has been banned from replying and further ruining the impact of A RETRACTION. This is a one-shot, weekly newsletter where nobody is safe from being called out with the lighthearted encouragement that whatever you put out there would be better with US involved!