RUMOR MILLS: MARCH 21ST EDITION

Hello again everyone, Matt Mills here, hoping that your March Madness brackets are doing better than mine! Thanks for nothing, Purdue and Kansas!

Now, onto the rumors!

• • In a recent Teen GQ heartthrob puff piece, Hayes Hanlon said his favorite movie growing up was The Matrix Resurrections. He also admitted he had no idea Mel Gibson was the man without a face, and that was after confusing Mel for Neo because they both have three letter names. He then also admitted to not knowing who Mel Gibson was at all. He was shocked to learn Brian Hollywood was a distant bequeathed nephew’s of Mel’s as part of Mel’s reputations for his role in Braveheart. It was quite the article.

Ronald Resin stunned the world when he won the award for most believable role at this year’s Oscars. His part in “The Unbelievable Already Forgotten and Wished Jiles Never Lost the Belt Champion” made him the first wrestler since Darin Zion to win at the Academy Awards. Darin won back in 2009 in his directorial one shot debut. During his obviously untelevised acceptance speech, Ron Raisin announced his intent to run for office.

Tyler Ambien Best has been sleeping wonderfully since the lion on his chest decided to take a shit there.

 

• • There’s an eldritch whisper throughout the hallowed halls of PRIME, one that has started to haunt the very souls of every member of Rumor Mills that has heard it.

We have yet to decipher its full meaning, but it says “sbmobrewop.”

We’re all scared. Gary is hiding in the broom closet, and we’re all pretty sure Gary doesn’t go there. Nobody’s even cleaned it up since Kenny Freeman was there, and that doesn’t even make sense because that particular broom closet was in *Florida.* Please send help. Thank you.

 

• • Rumor is Eddie Cross made one lucky fan’s day at the local hardware Mega-lo-mart. A guy named Earl Remus Bisquick called his local tabloid to tell them that he was “purty dang sure one of them there famous pro wrestling fellers just come to my shop to talk about joint compound and spackle.”

Earl Remus (both names are his first name) told the tabloid that he was surprised the young man was very interested in patching compounds and he issued a spackle symposeum on the topic.

After the man left, Earl Remus simply said, “he was a good kid, and named after my favorite catfish bait.”

 

• • We regret to inform everyone that Coral Avalon has received wake-up invincibility on his Shoeuroken in the latest balance patch of PRIME.

[Editor’s note: Gary, what…?]

 

• • A recent report suggests Bobby Dean can fill his belly button cavity with an entire bottle of ranch dressing.

 

• • Rumor has it that Joe Fontaine has attempted to send Lindsay Troy at least thirty-six text messages concerning the impending demise of the tag division. Naturally, she’s returned none of them.

He also allegedly sent sixteen to Killean Sirrajin, six to Matt Ward (despite the fact that he’s talent now!), and fourteen to Phil Atken’s intern. He also sent one to Melvin Beauregard, but this was done in error.

 

• • In a turn of events everyone saw coming, Julian Bathory has accepted a part-time managerial position at Kentucky Fried Chicken. It is rumored that he and his pal, Noah Hanson, will be tag teaming the drive through window during the late night rush.

 

• • The Russian government may be looking for a full time “Yeet Counter.” Leaked emails that have been circulating within Russia (and have not officially been released internationally), speak of auditions for “Any Russian who can count to, at a minimum, 100 and manage 100 number cards.”

One can only assume this must mean the return of a ringside seat for Ivan Stanislav’s “Yeet Counter.” Stanislav has not had a match for some time following his defeat of Cancer Jiles where he clinched a shot at the Universal Title. Now that he is in a match against two other opponents at Culture Shock, one can only guess as to how many “yeet counts” he could amass.

 

• • For almost a year, RingDispatch.com has been providing news content outside the PRIME circle to our fans, including coverage of the Flynn Cup, the Belmont Classic, and Bang! Pro Wrestling events. But that partnership may be coming to an end soon, as site owner and head writer Tanner Quest was said to be “very upset” with PRIME.

The issue apparently stems from the “retraction” news item that followed Karen Nakano’s recap of the Sekai Saikyō Cup’s first round. This “retraction,” allegedly written by Vickie Hall under an assumed name, was mostly unhinged rambling about how the tournament should operate, yet the perceived slight against Nakano may have the RingDispatch team considering other options.

While Quest themself would not confirm such a move, they gave voice to their frustration over the incident. “Karen has been an invaluable member of our team since she joined, and her work surrounding Bang! Pro Wrestling and in particular the Sekai Saikyō Cup has been at or above her usual standard. She is a consummate professional and should be treated as such.”

 

• • The lineup has been sent for the inaugural Madhouse event, with a whopping seventy-five wrestlers from all over the world taking part. PRIME will have very strong representation, as Ivan Stanislav, Anna Daniels, Brandon Youngblood, Randall Schwartz, and former PRIME competitor Ria Lockhart will all be there. There’s one other participant with PRIME ties, as the match will also feature Chico Super Genial, “father” of El Hijo del Super Cool Guy–a stalwart of PRIME’s tag division until his tragic demise at the hands of Paxton Ray.

Even though the list of participants is public knowledge, organizers have still promised a few surprises, including something called a “skunk-a-pult.” There are also unconfirmed reports that the Madhouse staff have reached out to groups such as the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers, the Bark World Order, and the Short Dick Defense League.

We fully expect that excitement for the event will be through the roof…and so will the therapy bills afterward.

 

• • While the rumors going around prior to ReVival 24 proved to be unfounded, there is yet again speculation as to whether or not the reigning Universal Champion, “the Escape Artist” Rezin, will be present at the go-home show before his first major title defense at Culture Shock.

Expectedly, PRIME’s notorious Goat Bastard has not been in contact with anyone from the company since he walked out of the main event at ReVival 24. But according to some sources, the company has what some are calling a “surefire plan” to entice the Universal Champion to make an appearance on the night of March 24th in San Antonio. Subsequently, there have been reports that the ACE Network has begun a sponsorship deal with Taco Bell, who will be catering the event.

Employees at the Freeman Coliseum are reportedly furious by this decision, as many do not believe the 70-year-old arena’s outdated sewage system will be able to handle the likely outcome.

 

• • A Russian-owned data company has reportedly filed for the copyright of “The Scarlet Sickle.” Supposedly, the title is already used in a B-movie slasher film from the 70s which tells the tale of a mad peasant who loses their arms in a freak thresher accident, has their arms replaced with sickles, and embarks on a deadly, murderous string of horrible murders. The conpany is suing for the rights of the name. Is this tied to Ivan Stanislav choosing Lindsay Troy to fight for him at PWA-02?

 

• • Spotted at the recent DEFIANCE show in St. Louis last week… Adam Ellis and Ginny Van Lear? MVW owner Ray McAvay showed up at DEFtv 184 at the Enterprise Center as a special guest of PRIME owner Lindsay Troy to talk a little PWA business after the show. Of course, St. Louis is the home city for Missouri Valley Wrestling.

Ellis and Van Lear reportedly watched the show from one of the boxes along with several wrestlers from the MVW roster including the HOTv Tag Team champions The Alabama Gang.

 

• • Rumor has it that the brass at PRIME HQ have prepared for the very real possibility that Ned Reform lies down and takes the quick pinfall from Abe Lipschitz at ReVival 25. With additional time to fill, it is anticipated that Abe will then immediately compete in a second match that night against none other than Dean Snorgret. Snorgret, not content with her revenge from his expulsion from the very real Hollywood State University, is out for a pound of flesh due to the muddy footprints he left on her white Mercedes while mocking her. Is this the next blood feud for the Babe? We’ll find out Friday night!