DAMAGE REPORT: REVIVAL 25

Hi everyone, this is Simon Tillier with a doozy of a news report coming into the offices late this evening. We here at the news desk were able to obtain a copy of the damage report for ReVival 25’s arena-wide brawl between Ivan Stanislav, Hayes Hanlon, and Rezin, and needless to say….it is extensive.

All told, the path of destruction caused by the three Universal Title competitors totals north of $40,000. The itemized list follows:

• Six Ivan Stanislav-sized sections of drywall
• Four doors
• Two VIZIO 50″ Class V-Series 4K UHD LED Smart TV’s
• One case of bottled water
• 24 Square feet of carpet
• Two sections of bathroom stall dividers
• One urinal
• One hand dryer
• Three wooden tables
• Another door
• One Hayes Hanlon sized section of drywall
• One Rezin sized section of drywall
• Six rectangular chafing warmers for catering
• Approximately 32 cheddar bacon chicken breasts
• Approximately eight pounds of rigatoni
• Three gallons of marinara sauce
• Two gallons of lemonade
• Two bubblers
• Three garbage cans
• One theater-sized popcorn popper
• Another Stanislav sized patch of drywall
• Another Hayes Hanlon sized patch of drywall
• One Vending Machine
  • 79 soft drinks ruined in said vending machine
• Repairs of second vending machine
  • 34 additional soft drinks in damaged vending machine
• Fifteen feet worth of drop ceiling tiles
• Two Jared Sykes sized sections of drop ceiling tiles.
• Four fire extinguishers
• One loading dock scissor gate
• One three ton floor jack
• One tire iron
• The rear window of a 1971 Dodge dart.
• One Goodyear Reliant All-Season 195/60R15 88V All-Season Tire
• One 1993 Cadillac DeVille Fleetwood Hood Ornament
• Two cans of Castrol GTX Motor Oil
• One 2019 Ford Escape left front door. This was found impaled in the ceiling
• Another door
• One PRIMEporium Sign
• PRIMEporium merch waiting to be sold, including:
  • The NEW ERA shirts
  • The Nova sleep shirts
  • PRIME Wrestling Buddy Toys: Brandon Youngblood, Nate Colton, The Anglo Luchador, and Jared Sykes. Mysteriously, every Ivan Stanislav wrestling buddy was left unscathed and in pristine condition
  • The Sid Phillips collection – POWERBOMB: The Cologne, POWERBOMB: The Necktie, concept art for POWERBOMB II: POWERBOMB HARDER (an MS Paint masterpiece of Sid powerbombing a bear), POWERBOMB bear tranquilizers
  • Bark World Order merch (collars, bandanas, shirts)
  • LOVE CONVOY urinal cakes (Vickie, Johnathan-Christopher, and Zion variants)
  • Rocky de Leon Pterodactyl masks
  • Timo Bolamba goggles
  • #Justice4Mori throwing rocks
  • First edition release copies of the brand new video game, Lindsay Troy’s Owl Simulator
  • A small box of mustache combs labeled “order for Hayes Hanlon”
  • And while technically not endorsed or sold by Anna in any way, shape, or form, Tony Gamble’s Standing for Jon shirts are being sold adjacent to the PRIMEporium.
• Another door
• Two more tables
• Twelve metal folding chairs that broke Kenny Freeman’s fall

Fourteen PRIME viewers requested refunds from Kenny Freeman’s flight. They want refunds for the food that was wasted as well: 4 hot dogs, 3 bags of popcorn, 5 corn dogs, 2 bacon cheddar fries, 1 box of raisinets, 4 Slurpees, 7 large soft drinks. Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips also requested a refund for their popcorn and were promptly set upon by owls.

One additional PRIME viewer requested a refund. She was pregnant and her water broke. She wants someone to pay for the ambulance trip.

When asked for comment, namely regarding who would be responsible for compensation, Lindsay Troy said, “Raisin started it, Hayes continued it, Ivan escalated it. They’re all ponying up.”

We’ll see how much, if any, damage the three men can do at Culture Shock when the Universal Title match will be contested in a cell.