RUMOR MILLS: APRIL 5TH EDITION

Hello everyone, Matt Mills here, with a ton of rumors heading into Culture Shock this Friday and Saturday. Let’s not waste anymore time…here’s your hot goss for the week!

• • Someone keeps mailing homemade DVD copies of S5 E33 of the History Channel’s “Forged in Fire” to an ever-growing number of wrestlers and staff within PRIME. Consensus is that whoever is behind this has way too much time on their hands and seems to be trying to get their foot in the door (or maybe back in the door?) into PRIME’s good graces.

 

• • One of the ladies in the Rock Me For Rocky club, operating under the self-given title of Prime Investigator (No Pun Intended), has unearthed a bit of interesting trivia about Mr. De Leon.

“Rocky is dyslexic!” she told us with much excitement over the phone. “I know, I couldn’t believe it either. A dyslexic journalist? A dyslexic *award winning* journalist? It’s crazy. I couldn’t believe it. But then, I thought, those abs are *also* crazy and I can’t believe them, so you know, maybe…”

The Prime Investigator only agreed to speak under assurance of anonymity, and we are certain that no one would dare out Fran, because she makes the best ginger snaps.

 

• • In a follow-up to a news story posted last week, it turns out that FLAMBERGE shouting for “Phil” *did* get a response. As in, two janitors working in the Freeman Arena (who were busy cleaning up after the mess that the Universal Title participants were making) came up to him and asked which one of them they were referring to. Arena staff referred to the pair as “the Phils.”

Reportedly, FLAMBERGE responded by yelling inarticulately in French and storming off.

 

• • Directly following the end of the quarter-finals of the Sekai Saikyō Cup, members of the Crownless Kingdom were seen boarding a private aircraft bound for Houston. This not only included current leader Claire Merci, but also Powerslam Anubis, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., and Ignacio el Jaguar…and former leader and current PRIME roster member Coral Avalon.

Those who witnessed this note that Avalon seemed noticeably uncomfortable about the private aircraft provided to him and the Kingdom.

The obvious implication of their destination, of course, is that the Kingdom will be in the city where Culture Shock is taking place. Could any number of them be surprise entrants to the Culture Shock Battle Royale?

 

• • Joe Fontaine was recently sighted at a local hobby shop purchasing eyepatches, a tricorn hat, a garish coat, and a prop sword. He’d also been working on a pirate accent, which… god help us all if he actually uses it.

 

• • If you are reading this, then Sid Phillips has powerbombed you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

 

• • Sources say Eddie is not, in fact, cross, but rather is in quite a good mood today!

 

• • A bar in San Antonio decided to name a drink after The Anglo Luchador following ReVival 25. The “Leaping Tom” is two parts Curacao, one part crème de menthe, one shot of vodka, one shot of Patron, and a dollop of whipped cream. A local underage teen says it “slaps,” but odds are good that would be the report about any free booze he received.

 

• • Sources that agreed to speak only on assurances of anonymity have informed us that Ivan Stanislav’s favorite color is not, in fact, red. In a stunning turn of events, it seems that Ivan’s actual favorite color is actually puce.

 

• • We have it on good authority that Darin Zion’s pants were recently damaged at the cleaners. Unable to replace them with more lip pants, the cleaners attempted to provide pants with a different symbol of love. Unfortunately, our same source informed us that Lindsay Troy would not allow Zion to wear pants covered in erections in a televised match.

 

• • Could the days of Ginny Van Lear accompanying her husband Adam Ellis be coming to a close? Ellis’s trainer- Charlie Blackwell- apparently told the young wrestler that he should consider leaving Ginny in the back because Adam keeps getting distracted by her during matches.

Will Ginny be at Culture Shock with Adam giving him her support? Only time will tell.

 

• • Capping off a rough string of luck since ReVival with management, rumor has it that Lindsay Troy received cease and desist letters from the Public Broadcasting System and the Discovery Channel after catching wind of Abe Lipschitz’s “documentary,” citing copyrighted use of music and conceptual property from both. While it cannot be verified, an employee of PRIME headquarters heard Troy yelling at someone from behind closed doors for several minutes just after receiving the certified letters.

 

• • Earlier this week, Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan hosted a “Take Back Ukraine” dinner in the heart of Moscow at Ryba Moya, a well known seafood restaurant. A hubbub occurred midway through the event, when Alexei Ruslan projectile vomited oyster parts across the table onto an unnamed Russian businessman’s wife. Things escalated as the businessman became combative, and Stanislav himself had to be restrained from yeeting someone just about anywhere.

Ruslan looked sickly as an ambulance arrived and stretchered him out of the restaurant, with an irate and concerned Stanislav following behind. Ruslan projectile vomited once again, and seemed to extend his distance to about five meters. Said one Russian, “It looked like demonic possession! What did they put in those oysters?”

The Russians have been mum on the situation, with even the typically vocal Russian Bear refusing to comment. Alexei Ruslan is an integral player in Ivan Stanislav’s wrestling game plan and has been through his career, but it looks bleak that he will be well enough to attend Culture Shock.

Clarification: Though we are unaware how the Russians knew we would post the above piece of news, they have since given a statement. It is as follows:

“Alexei Ruslan had a wonderful meal at Ryba Moya the other day. He finished the meal and left happily in his own car. He has other engagements that unfortunately take him from the scheduled Culture Shock event. He will be unable to attend. Again, he is perfectly healthy. He would comment now, but he is busy. Stop asking questions.”

With Ruslan not attending Culture Shock, it is up in the air how this will affect Ivan Stanislav, as he prepares for arguably one of the biggest matches in his career.

 

• • Rumor has it that Eddie Cross was seen in Charlotte at a local Gamestop purchasing a copy of Animal Crossing.

It is difficult to know if this is true or not, but sources state that the gentleman was insisting that it is because he has to visit a neighbors island and giver her his pears.

What that means is anyone’s guess.

 

• • Adam Ellis does not know how to swing dance.

 

• • Ivan Stanislav has, reportedly, demanded to have a full inventory of all foodstuffs being brought into the AT&T Stadium. While one can only speculate as to why Stanislav would make such a strange demand, some in our office believe it may be The Russian Bear’s checkered past involving steel cages and cooking oils. Stanislav famously fell victim to top selling cooking oil product “Six Finger Crisco” in his OSW days, and rumor has it he has been paranoid about cage matches ever since.

 

• • The most recent edition of The Scandal Sheet, a gossip newsletter written by “journalist” Savannah Scandal, contained several juicy PRIME-related tidbits. Here’s a sample:

“My little spying eyes have told me about a recent incident of ‘inappropriate photos.’ A few weeks ago, Kohime Mori received an unsolicited ‘hog pic’ from another, unnamed member of the PRIME roster. So far she has not filed a formal complaint, but there’s a very real chance she was intimidated into silence…whether by the sender, or the hog in question, remains unclear.”

“How about a little canoe-dling? SELMA, known associate of Abe “The Babe” Lipschitz, was spotted in a local park sharing a paddleboat with another wrestler, and also possible ghost, Scurvy Jones. I don’t know if you can get Vitamin C through kissing, but SELMA seemed determined to find out.”

“It used to be common to see the PRIME roster taking part in the Las Vegas nightlife. Though much more rare now that the company is on tour, it still happens…but never quite like this! My sources tell me Nate Colton was spotted at Club Ego on Saturday night, getting VERY familiar with a young lady on the dance floor. The Five Star Champion and the slender blonde partied for a few hours, but left well before closing. We haven’t yet found out who this woman is, but no doubt she has what it takes to make the Next Diamond rock-hard.”

“Justine Calvin is already one half of PRIME’s Tag Team Champions, but she was allegedly seen sporting another piece of hardware–an engagement ring! We can only assume this means Jared Sykes, her dummy thicc partner inside the ring and out, finally popped the question! That, or Bex Savage swooped in and snagged her while Jared was busy crying; that would be pretty on brand for everyone involved.”

“A lot of PRIME’s power couples have been spending a lot of time together lately…Lindsay Troy and Wade Elliott, FLAMBERGE and himself, Cancer Jiles and Bobby Dean. Possibly the sauciest combo involves an outside force, as Coral Avalon has had several ‘closed-door meetings’ with Claire Merci, the new leader of Bang! Pro Wrestling’s Crownless Kingdom. What are they REALLY doing, and does Coral’s wife know? We reached out for comment; Avalon has not yet responded, while Claire answered our questions with a lot of angry French (though we were able to make out the words ‘forehead’ and ‘railroad spike.’)”

 

• • There were reports last week of a small fire near the ACE Network building. Collateral damage was kept to a minimum, though first responders are baffled as to the cause. Additionally, anyone who was close enough to inhale the smoke from the blaze began exhibiting strange behavior and increased appetites.

On a seemingly unrelated note, Alexa Van Horn, the ACE Network’s Vice Director of Marketing and Public Relations, is supposedly irate that her reserved space has been moved to the nearby garage.

 

• • Following up on a recent Cracking News report, embattled PRIME superstar, “Beautiful” Bobby Dean, will in fact be at Culture Shock and will be partaking in the Battle Royal.

Bob was at a recent charity hot dog eating contest and had this to say, “Why would they soak the rolls in water when mayonnaise does the same trick? Rookies.”

He then elaborated on his shocking and long awaited return to the ring, “Somebody better tell catering.”

The hope within Camp Bandit is either Bobby gets lucky and draws number 40, or long time friend, mentor, leader, former UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, and diligent eGGsecutioner, Cancer Jiles, shows up to save the day.

Either way no one cares about Abe Lipshits.

 

• • Lindsay Troy was excited to learn that she’d be teaming with Darin Zion, Brian Hollywood, Noah Hanson, and Julian Bathory at High Octane Wrestling’s annual PPV, War Games.

 

• • In a recent Quasirich news article, Timo Bolamba, former owner of Timo One, said he thinks Cancer Jiles will return at the Culture Shock Battle Royal. Timo’s reasoning for such a wild and unsubstantiated claim was his eyes had been burning like when there was the mist in them. He also said young Eddie Cross had started to wet the bed around the same time.

 

• • Inspired by Jared Sykes’ successful “Deez Nuts”-ing of Ivan Stanislav on Jabber, sources say The Anglo Luchador is trying to perfect the perfect “updog” prompt to catch the Russian Bear off guard should he appear in the Battle Royale Night 2 of Culture Shock.

 

• • Both Coral Avalon and the alien living inside his forehead will be competing in the Culture Shock Battle Royal. No word yet on if they plan to work together, or if they’ll be separate entrants.

 

• • PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, Rezin, was spotted sleeping comfortably underneath the I-20 LBJ freeway. A source said, “He stood out amongst the other homeless because he had Jiles’ old belt with him. That’s it though. If he didn’t have Jiles’ old belt he would have been indistinguishable. I’m talking down to the cardboard box.”

 

• • In a class move ahead of their big dark match on night one, Nike gifted Brandon Youngblood a pair of shit brown Tchu Force 1s. No word if Brandon plans on wearing them during the preliminary dark match.

 

• • When asked to confirm if the above War Games rumor was true, Lindsay Troy not only dispatched a parliament of owls upon our hapless reporter but the bark World order as well.

 

• • Our sources who reported on TAL’s proposed “updog” of Ivan Stanislav are mad at us for reporting said rumor, as they said we were “blowing up Dad’s spot.”

Goddammit, Gary, did you get rumors from the Luchador’s kids again? Jesus Christ, you’re so bad at this.