CULTURE SHOCK NEWS AND NOTES

• • Rezin’s contract reportedly expired at midnight on April 9th.

There is no word as of yet from the PRIME front office on their intentions to resign the now former Universal Champion, though it’s been rumored that the ACE Network has been vehemently against the notion of a contract extension.

 

• • Many are concerned with how Alexei Ruslan managed to sneak into AT&T Stadium and miraculously emerge during the Universal Title match. Officials are currently piecing together several clues which may bring answers:

– A truck hauling several pieces of shoddy equipment for the PRIMEporium rebuild may be the smoking gun.

-The truck arrived the night before the event, and the delivery was accepted by a man named Victor Morozov, who worked at the loading dock at AT&T Stadium.

-Paperwork reveals that Morozov checked the inventory of the truck, allowed it entry into the building, and personally unloaded all of the items.

-Morozov was never seen again.

-When the crew broke down the ring following Night 1, a hermetically sealed container filled with what appeared to be urine was found under the ring itself, along with an original Game Boy loaded with Tetris.

-The curious container of urine was locked. Attempts to open the container caused it to “beep in a frightening manner” and it miraculously melted into nothingness. All traces of the fluid inside were destroyed in the process.

Furthermore, officials are now speculating that maybe, just maybe, Alexei Ruslan wasn’t sick at all.

When asked for comment, Ruslan said it was “hogwash.”

 

• • An excited fan in Bedford, Texas reported seeing Ivan Stanislav walking the streets in his neighborhood at 2:00am. The fan reported that Ivan appeared completely healed and healthy, ready to rip the belt from the hands of Hayes Hanlon. His wife tried to interrupt to tell him to go back to bed, but he would not be deterred from calling the Channel 5 news hotline to deliver this message.

In other news, authorities are recommending that residents of the Kelmont Park neighborhood should remain indoors until further notice. A brown bear, recently reported by management as escaping its enclosure at the Fort Worth Zoo, was spotted in the neighborhood most recently. Zoo manager Fred Fredrickson Jr. asks that people remember bears are wild animals, are not cuddly, and should not be given food. Please do not try to figure out if the bear speaks Russian. Even if it did, it likely wouldn’t understand your horrible accent.

 

• • The one-year contract of the Winds of Change expired roughly two weeks before Culture Shock Night One, and the pair were on a handshake agreement leading into the tag team title match against Eminence.

Both Fontaine and Phillips were said to be dejected and disappointed following the result of the tag title match, but much less inconsolable than they were following the title loss at UltraViolence. At the very least, Joe Fontaine didn’t disappear for most of an entire day afterwards, and that’s an improvement!

As it stands now, Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips are currently free agents, having not yet come to an agreement with PRIME management. With the end of PRIME’s tag division, the team has been reluctant to re-sign with the company and have instead been considering going overseas to continue teaming together.

 

• • Mortimer Knightingale’s car was found vandalized at the end of Culture Shock. There was question of who did such a thing. With anger from fans towards the masked man at a fever pitch, the thought was one or more overzealous people may have gone too far and caused the damage.

Thanks to security footage, the culprit was easily identified: one Kohime Mori. Using a crowbar, the Japanese woman smashed every window the car had before also using the weapon the puncture the tires. Though the amount wasn’t revealed, I’ve been told that Mori was fined for the misconduct.

 

• • Once eliminated from the Culture Shock battle royal, Abe Lipschitz immediately went to the back and made an offer to anyone eliminated that he would trade his Alias title shot if they could secure him a legitimate date with Lindsay Troy. No updates as of yet if anyone has taken him up on said deal.

 

• • Shortly after the concluding moment to the Cultural Shock Battle Royal, The Glue Factory’s chief strategist, Dirk Dickwood, made a few brief remarks to a small gaggle of journalists who were hovering around the curtain, awaiting comments from Best and Farthington.

In discussing Farthington taking the reigns of The Glue Factory:

“Our dedicated financier and current acting Executive Chair, Lord Farthington, is currently taking a holistic look at The Glue Factory’s operations and is excited to very soon reveal his plans for the future of the company. We’re looking at a real Glue Point Oh situation and unfortunately this does mean that only the most hardcore and dedicated employees are likely to make the cut for the future version of the brand.”

On whether this included FLAMBERGE, who had aligned himself very closely with the previous regime:

“We love FLAMBERGE and he has done an excellent job keeping the brand alive in people’s minds. His contributions to the factory have been greatly appreciated. Should Mr. FLAMBERGE wish to continue in this capacity, he simply needs to prove himself to Lord Farthington.”

On the concluding moments of the Battle Royal and Lord Farthington’s brutal one-on-one with his “nephew” Tyler Adrian Best:

“Look, I’m sure all of you are eager to write about the intense battle you saw in that ring, and I’m sure you’re going to write about the brutality clearly being a sign that these two men hate each other. You forget, iron sharpens iron. There is immense respect between TAB and Lord Farthington. Farthington trained Best, he always knew what his capabilities were and tonight the rest of the world saw it too. Of course it’s disappointing we couldn’t leave with the Universal Championship shot, but seeing TAB prove himself as the top prospect we knew him to be, banking a 5 Star Title shot, destroying Cancer Jiles on Phil Atken’s behalf and improving LT’s day, I couldn’t call the operation unsuccessful. Oh, did I mention my man eliminated the most competitors? Because he did that.”

On how Lord Farthington achieved the 41 spot:

“Business networking.”

Farthington, for his part, completely blanked every journalist on his way to the locker rooms.

 

• • Sage Pontiff was reportedly apoplectic backstage after his elimination from the Culture Shock battle royal. The Bodhisattva was seen attempting to goad wrestlers into fights and, when that failed, attacking security. He was ejected from the building, and has been fined $5,000.00.

 

• • The rumors started as a result of his logging off of Jabber are true; David Fox of the Dangerous Mix has requested and was granted his release from PRIME.

Already known to be contemplating retirement from professional wrestling completely, Fox’s decision was spurred on by PRIME management’s decision to suspend the tag team division and titles.

“The roster is simply too packed for me to feel confident in my ability to compete with them in my advanced age,” the twenty-six year veteran stated. “I just hope Mushigihara will be able to hang with them without me.”

At present, Fox will remain active in PWA sister promotion SHOOT Project (where he will debut at the next episode of Ruination) and DEFIANCE Wrestling.

We would like to wish David the best of luck in his future endeavors.

 

• • The Anglo Luchador spoke to Angelica Brooks after the Culture Shock Battle Royal.

On Tyler Adrian Best winning: “Hats off to him. He’s an entitled prick, but that’s never stopped anyone from being good at this sport. I just hope he knows that his loud mouth is going to put a huge target on his back.”

On Hayes Hanlon regaining the Universal Championship: “Good for him. Kid’s got moxie. Even though we’ve never really interacted much, I still feel good for him getting back on top. As someone who’s never successfully defended or regained a World Title, I’m glad he’s gotten that monkey off his back early in his career.”

On the violent Intense Championship match: “I really pity Foster Nackedy. One of these days, he’s going to get into trouble that his meal ticket can’t get him out of.”

On the returns and debuts in the Battle Royal: “Cecilworth Farthington hits really hard, man. I couldn’t really enjoy seeing him or Tsonda or Harmen because, y’know, I was busy fighting them? But I mean, it just goes to show PRIME has an appeal. I’m glad to be part of a place people want to be in and people want to come back to.”

On his own future after an incredibly turbulent PPV arc: “Look, this place is a meat-grinder. It’s not an excuse. I dropped the ball and lost matches I should’ve won. Bright side though, things can turn on a dime, y’know?”

On Felix Mullen’s appearance at the post-show press conferences: “Miranda should really dump his ass.”

 

• • After the yeeting he received at the Culture Shock Rumble–I mean Battle Royal–Kenny Freeman is offering a bounty to anyone who can provide the following to him within the next month:

– A solid beatdown on one Ivan Stanislav
– A nice big bottle of Tylenol for good measure

Please contact Kenny Freeman via Jabber @KFreePayMe to follow up. Thank you.

 

• • Rumor has it that Arthur Pleasant didn’t fully understand that he was eliminated from the Culture Shock Battle Royal and kept on insisting that none of his feet hit the ground. After a long and arduous booth review, it was noted that not only did both of Arthur’s feet hit the ground, but so did elbows, both hands, and all ten fingers.

Further yet, after being denied a restart of the entire battle royal, Pleasant insisted his PRIME contract stated that he could not be eliminated while standing on the ring apron during battle royals. Pleasant then went on to explain that it was agreed upon that, for him to fully be eliminated in the Battle Royal, he would have to be thrown over the top rope in one fluid motion.

Seeing as the watermark on the contract that Arthur presented to officials backstage had the HOW logo attached to it, it was explained at great length that his demands would be null and void and, as told by inside sources, to “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOVE ON ALREADY.”

 

• • Ivan Stanislav returned to a strange situation in Moscow following Culture Shock: Nothing. Absent were the throngs of fans. No military band greeted him. Banners were not hung anywhere to be seen. The only humans to greet The Russian Bear were the handful of staff members assigned to him.

It’s reported that Stanislav was visibly miffed at the lack of any welcome, while Ruslan immediately laid into the staff members with yells and screams before he nearly passed out. Perhaps due to his injuries at Culture Shock?

Stanislav made his way through the nearby airport, where an amateur recording was submitted which showed an unnamed Russian rushing to Stanislav and asking what his next steps were and if he was going to retire. All Stanislav said to the person was, “I will be at ReVival 26…”

The recording cut off as the individual who approached Stanislav appeared to be apprehended and dragged away, while Ivan’s entourage made their exit from the building.

 

• • Despite a middle of the pack finish, Eddie Cross talked to local reporters and was “pretty happy with the finish.” Dave Gibson, however, scowled and said, “Now I owe the guys from my poker game an extra hundred bucks a piece because I said he would last longer than Ned Reform.”

Eddie shrugged and stated, “when you’re hot, you’re hot.”

 

• • There is growth down at Gray’s Wrestling Academy. We’ve heard through sources that after the transfer of power from Lindsay Troy to Shweta Kallemullah, the former Chairperson of the Fighting For Nora Foundation is investing heavily in the wrestling school from New Orleans. There have already been Linkedin Park postings for a housekeeper, a chef de cuisine, and other support staff. There’s also rumors of breaking new ground in the lot behind the academy. Are there new students coming to support all of these changes? I guess we’ll find out.

 

• • Rumor has it that Jack Harmen has decided to follow PRIME, as a fan, as it tours across the nation. He intends to hold up random signs in the crowd. As viewers discover Harmen in the crowd, they can log onto a website called www.wheresjackharmen.com. Once here, you can submit your still captured image of Jack Harmen. First 100 PRIMEates to do so will receive a 20% discount off any future orders of merchandise. Void in Canada, cause Roland sucks.

 

• • After a leak from a certain Jabber conversation occurred, it is rumored that Eddie Cross and Ivan Stanislav are being approached to advertise for a nationally known food company regarding their stance on “Fishdogs” aka hotdogs made with fish sticks.

While it is almost certain Ivan will deny any and all income as capitalism, young Eddie might find such a venture lucrative.

I guess we will just have to wait and see.