Here I am, Alexei Gregorovich Ruslan, with another edition of Think Red. Yes, things may not have gone the way we all wished at Culture Shock. Yes, there was yet another rash of injustices against the hard working members of PRIME’s roster. Yes, charlatans and pretenders have managed to claw their way into the upper echelon of the pecking order in PRIME, but will that deter us?
Together, I say with you all a resounding no!
But before we get to that, why don’t we look at the upcoming ReVival 26 card, shall we?
KENNY FREEMAN VS. TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY VS. TERRY WOODS– I would be a liar if I knew much about any of these competitors. But I do know that Kenny Freeman is a moron. Terry Woods is new. And Gladhappy is an idiot. I suggest no one watch this match and simply use the toilet, get something to eat, or read some of the communist manifesto until we get to the good stuff!
EDDIE CROSS VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. ROCKY DE LEON– This is a tough one. The Pterodactyl man has been on a roll (but I think he may suffer from some sort of mental disorder) and Eddie Cross has a great deal of momentum behind him. I cannot speak much for Hall, except that he, like Gladhappy, is an idiot. Nevertheless, I have to give the edge to Cross, because of his natural wrestling ability and the teachings of Dave Gibson. Though I worry if he wins that we might not hear the end of it. Maybe I should change my decision?
JACOB MEPHISTO VS. CANCER JILES– Cancer Jiles makes his glorious return after nearly three months on the shelf. Who shelved him? Of course Ivan Stanislav, who else! We also haven’t seen Mephisto in a long time. It’s my understanding he is some kind of a culinary expert or some such nonsense? Was he on the cooking circuit somewhere? Still, Jiles is crafty. I think he will be a tough egg to crack. Get it?? I give Cancer Jiles the win.
SAGE PONTIFF VS. DARIN ZION VS. TONY GAMBLE– I think this Pontiff fellow is a man to look out for. I don’t put much stock in all of this religious, spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but weak minds are easily swayed and bolstered by such thinkings. Tony Gamble can be a threat in his own right, but I feel with two opponents it will nullify his effectiveness. As for Zion? I don’t know, once again, all of these Love Convoy fools are just that. I give the win to Sage Pontiff.
ANNA DANIELS VS. HOYT WILLIAMS– Ms. Daniels has always been a class act toward The Red Army. Hoyt Williams is looking to make an impact, and I can’t deny that he is a Hall of Famer. I feel as if Ms. Daniels has come so close, so often, and has yet to seal the deal, but that may be just enough to make her the victor. We are rooting for you, Ms. Daniels. Show this small-minded, God-fearing fool what you are made of!
NED REFORM VS. ABE LIPSCHITZ– This is probably a good time to put your “Best Matches of Ivan Stanislav” VHS into your machine and watch Ivan Stanislav vs. Meanstreak October 30, 2001, when Ivan crushed Meanstreak with a soda machine and won the PCW World Championship. It truly was a great match for the ages! Besides, Reform is a Libertarian and Lipschitz is a joke. Why waste your time watching the match?
FLAMBERGE VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT– I am very interested in this match. Mr. Pleasant has been, well, very pleasant to The Red Army. He even has close contacts with some fellow Russians! FLAMBERGE is always a threat though. I wonder though, we offered FLAMBERGE a spot in The Red Army when we returned. He was the first person we asked and never fully committed. I think he has been holding out for some “Glue Factory” people, or something like that. The offer is still on the table, FLAMBERGE. I cannot say who will win this match, but I can say Ivan and I will be watching it very, very carefully.
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON VS. ADAM ELLIS– It sure does reek of corruption when the new person in PRIME is immediately thrust into the main event, is it not? Why just today on Jabber I heard Lindsay Troy’s daughter refer to him as “Uncle.” Either way, Farthington will have his hands full with Adam Ellis. I hope he comes to the ring with a bullet-proof vest. Ellis’ old lady is not one to be trifled with! I cannot say who will win. But I know who loses: all of us, for not having a main event with Praporshchik Stanislav.
The Red Army operates with a momentum all its own. Yes, Culture Shock was a disappointment, but that will not slow our advance. Ivan is committed to making PRIME a better place, and there is no better way to do it than to be the PRIME Universal Champion. Tyler Best may have won the Battle Royal, and perhaps he has a chance to actually go up against Hayes Hanlon, but all that needs to be known is that The Russian Bear will make his way back into the mix, eventually.
The conduct of the PRIME roster was beyond the pale at the Battle Royal. To literally band together, ten of them, to struggle but manage to dump our hero, Ivan Stanislav, over the top rope and eliminate him from the match was nothing short of desperation. We do not need desperate men and women in PRIME, we need men and women of action and conviction.
I once more tell all of you, if you are looking to join a group that will always protect one another and battle tyranny and cowardice, look no further than The Red Army. Who else can lead us into a golden age but Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav?
Yes, Ivan is not present in a match at ReVival 26, but you can bet that he, and I, will be there. Look beyond your cowardly Universal Champion! Ignore the naysayers and liars! Look to the sky and see the glorious, smiling face of Ivan Stanislav and know that, regardless of the outcome, he will always be there to protect us and put all things right. Embrace this unending hope!
It is a comforting thought, comrades. Is it not?
Think about the injustices at Culture Shock. Think about mobilizing under the banner of The Red Army! Think about how lucky we all are to have Ivan Stanislav fighting for us! But always, dear comrades, always Think Red!