REVIVAL 26 NEWS AND NOTES

• • Right after his match, the elixir-fueled Abe Lipschitz was seen sprinting out of the Paycom Arena towards the downtown area. Reports from an employee of CVS Pharmacy claimed that an out of breath Lipschitz spent several minutes in the greeting card aisle until finally coming up to him and asking where the “sorry I broke your dick” section from Hallmark was located. When advised that those did not exist, Abe grabbed a random card, paid for the purchase, and sprinted back the two miles to the venue. Although one witness claimed that “he put Forrest Gump to shame,” by the time he returned, Abe was disappointed to learn that Ned Reform had just been transported to the hospital moments before he got back. He was last seen in a dead sprint to the SSM Health Hospital in order to get the sympathy token to him.

 

• • Some news from the fast food world, as PRIME has received reports that Julian Bathory has made waves within the KFC organization for refusing to cooperate on a cross-training exercise with former Yum! Brands affiliate Long John Silver’s. We have been able to confirm that Bathory refused the exercise on personal grounds, as cooking anything with tentacles violates his religious beliefs.

 

• • After a disappointing finish to the three way match at ReVival 26, Eddie Cross was shocked that an Alias title match was in his future. However, he told local Charlotte Reporter Jordan Michaels that he was going to “go to work like never before because there is no way he would squander this opportunity.”

 

• • Noah Hanson was slated to make his big return to wrestling at ReVival 26, but he showed up to the Paycorn Arena instead of the Paycom Arena. He returned to his post overseeing Julian Bathory at KFC in embarrassment.

 

• • Joe Fontaine showed up at the Paycorn Arena, and was reportedly extremely confused when he found a rodeo and a clown show instead of the wrestling event he expected. He apparently lost his mind when he checked his phone and realized that it was the *Paycom Arena*.

Nevermind the fact that he’s currently a free agent, or that Sid apparently wasn’t with him, or… you know what? Maybe we should’ve reported this for Rumor Mills…

 

• • After not being booked for the ReV 26 and not being on the runsheet for ReV 27, rumors are swirling about that The Anglo Luchador is hiding a secret injury. However, he addressed those rumors directly to Angelica Brooks.

“I’m just doing maintenance. Barbed wire match to start the year off and ending as an iron man in the murder rumble with no shortage of tough opponents in between? I’m not trying to retire again anytime soon.”

He assured Brooks that he will be back in the ring at ReV 28, unless something unforeseen pops up.

 

• • Speaking of Joe Fontaine, he and Sid Phillips are said to still be negotiating with PRIME management about new contracts. One of the holdups seems to be that the pair are currently seeking new representation, though it’s not know who they’re currently in contact with.

Joe and Sid were not seen at ReVival 26 (maybe because of the beforementioned confusion about the Paycom Arena where the show was held) and are currently not expected to be at ReVival 27, either.

 

• • Coral Avalon is currently seeking a temporary head trainer for the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School after the normal head trainer, Franco Marchesi, tore his ACL wrestling for Bang! Pro Wrestling last month.

Avalon has stated in his bimonthly blog post on RingDispatch.com that Marchesi’s injury and especially the forced relocation of the school two months ago could prevent him from sending students to this year’s Belmont Classic. Despite that, the school is set to reopen its doors in the coming weeks.

Avalon is set to challenge Nate Colton for the 5-Star Championship at ReVival 27. Speaking through the same blog post, Avalon mentioned his history and mutual respect with the Colton family, but noted that he hadn’t won a singles championship in PRIME before (or even had a shot at one) and that it was time for that to change.

 

• • Ivan Stanislav has been fined $20,000 USD for destroying a Paycom Arena office door, door casing, a mahogany desk, an iPad Pro, iPad magic keyboard, iPad pencil, a Motorola T800 walkie talkie, and for “generally being a big baby fuckhead.”

 

• • We tried to get ahold of the Masters of the Mul–we mean, Moscowverse, after the revelation that Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz were aligning themselves with Ivan Stanislav, but couldn’t reach them for comment.

Not from lack of trying, however; we were quite literally outpaced by Kenny, who seemed to push Randall’s wheelchair as fast as humanly possible to get out of the building.

The closest thing we got to a comment came after letting it slip that Kenny would be facing Tyler Best at ReVival 27, to which Kenny shouted something along the lines of: “You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

We shit no one, Mr. Freeman. However, you may well stand a chance next ReVival if Tyler is as oblivious to who you are as the rest of us.

• • It appears as if “The Inhuman Being” will be taking some time off. It’s being reported that in the days following Culture Shock, Matt Ward met with Lindsay Troy to discuss issues with his knees and possible treatment options. There’s been no word on the seriousness of any potential injuries or how long Ward will be sidelined for, but we here at PRIME HQ hope for his prompt return to competition.

 

• • Violet Samuelsson will also be taking some time off, although her reasons remain unknown at this time. We here at PRIME HQ send our best wishes and hope for her prompt return as well.

 

• • Many people backstage and behind the scenes think COMIC-CON if a reference to Brandon Youngblood and how he COMICALLY managed to CON his way into a UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP opportunity.

 

• • Asked if he was influenced by FLAMBERGE in his own match’s finish in tonight’s main event, Cecilworth Farthington remarked, “I mean, it worked for him!”

Asked if this meant FLAMBERGE was back in the Gluey fold, Farthington made some vague mouth noises that sounded like “harumpafumf” and walked off.

 

• • Word is the COMICON seg drew a big number because everyone wanted to see if Jacob Mosquito was placed inside a body bag or not. The segment ran at the end of the Jiles/Cameltoe match. When Jiles was asked about it backstage he had this to say: “I think whoever did it must have confused me for Teddy Palmer. Ya see, I’m not a comic book NERD.”

 

• • The Russian Federation has fined Lindsay Troy 40,629,992 rubles ($500,000 USD) for her blatant disrespect of Ivan Stanislav. In a statement, Alexei Ruslan spoke to State Media and said, “Troy tries to thwart Stanislav’s attempt to bring honor and dignity back to that cesspool that is PRIME. The Russian people will not stand for it! If she sets one foot, just one foot, into Russia she will be subject to her fine! So cancel your travel plans, Lady Troy. Ha ha ha!!”

Despite this news, Stanislav himself later added additional information: “The only way I can see that such a hefty fine could be lifted is if Lindsay Troy wins her match at PWA-02. Then and only then will I consider discussions regarding striking the fine. It is a shame. She vacillates, Lady Troy, from being decidedly pro-Russian to caving when pressure mounts from her anti-Russian cronies. Lindsay, I tell you this from my heart: come to Russia, pay your debt, and we will finally size you for your Scarlet Sickle attire, eh?”

 

• • The Waffle House at 6000 S. Independence Avenue in Oklahoma closed early on Friday, April 21, 2023. As we all know, Waffle House’s are typically open 24 hours a day. However, General Manager Louie Austin claimed that “That damned Russian ate all the waffles.”

In potentially related news, the Paycom Arena was shut down shortly after the roster from PRIME left due to a “plumbing issue.” Reno Ave was closed for the following day, and Prairie Surf Studios (which is across the street from the Paycom Arena) was unable to film their Loreal commercial. Said director Jeb Hutchins, “We just wanna film a cosmetics commercial, and the whole block smells like shit!” Hutchins then narrowed his eyes, “Russian shit.”

Sewage crews were working around the clock on Reno Ave and in the Paycom Center. Hazmat was also on site.

 

• • When asked about Cancer Jiles’ threat to be put back where he belongs (main event) or else he’ll just keep on eggsecuting the undercard, Lindsay Troy responded with: “I don’t watch the dark matches, my assistant does and she hasn’t reported back to me yet so I don’t know anything about it. What did you say his name was again?”

 

• • Bobby Dean was spotted by Chris Chickentenders backstage after ReVival went off air. Chris approached him wanting to help with the bags, and also took a moment to ask Bob about Ivan Stanislav’s destructive ways.

Bobby responded, “Wake me up when he farts and it knocks down an arena— the Chickenshit Russian Slob. His last name is Slob, right? That’s what Jiles calls him so I figured it was right. Oh, and no offense, Chris. Just seeing you makes me hungry.”

 

• • One backstage pundit learned that Cecilworth Farthington was also in contract talks with High Octane Wrestling before ultimately deciding on PRIME. It is believed the decision was a tough one, and that if HOW still had an aircraft carrier it might have swayed him.

 

• • Timo Bolamba will not be appearing at COMICON. His son, Eddie Cross, did not take the news well and ate dinner in his bedroom.

 

• • FLAMBO won again.

It’s not NEW news or anything, but damn, right?

 

• • Richard Parker claims to have been the target of an assassination attempt.

The incident occurred in the parking lot area after ReVival went off the air. While the longtime PRIME commentator was leaving the venue, an unidentified vehicle allegedly raced out of the shadows and nearly ran him over. It was only through quick, decisive action that Parker managed to avoid the oncoming vehicle before he was hit.

Eyewitnesses reported the driver as having sunglasses and bleached hair, leading parker to finger Cancer Jiles as the obvious culprit, but the COOLYMPIAN’s alibi is airtight, as he seen at another location around the same time.

Security footage later identified the customized license plate of the vehicle, reading “CHKNTNDR69.”

 

• • Gray’s Wrestling Academy is back open for business! The wrestling school had instituted a brief hiatus in the week before Culture Shock, with details around the closure remaining a mystery. But now the school is back open, and perhaps better than ever. They’ve hired a chef, an administrative assistant, and three new trainers to help bring in nine new students. Big things seem to be on the horizon, according to co-owner Shweta Kallemullah.

“We are so excited to bring in the new era of wrestling at Gray’s,” Shweta told us. “Not long ago, Gray’s was the shining example of wrestling education excellence along the Gulf Coast. With the improvements to the facility and the addition of staff, we think it won’t be long before we are being mentioned among the best wrestling schools in the country.”

Foster Nackedy, the other co-owner, could not be reached for comment.

 

• • Fan interest in many of PRIME’s more…interesting associations was at a record high at ReV26. The company fielded several requests on how to join the Glue Factory, Love Convoy, MESSIAH, the Family, the congregation of Hoyt Williams, and the Black Metal Friends. Many of these fans came to the show to support their preferred group, though the verbiage in the chants and signs was curiously similar. No matter if they were pleading with Williams, Vickie Hall, or Miserée, the request was always the same: “Save us from ourselves.”

PRIME management is strongly considering skipping Oklahoma City on the 2024 tour because, according to an anonymous source, “that shit’s weird as hell.”

 

• • We caught up with Lindsay Troy outside a Las Vegas Apple store replacing her iPad and peripherals that were personally victimized by Ivan Stanislav at ReVival 26. When asked for comment on the Russian government fining her $500,000 to be paid upon her entry into the country, the Queen of the Ring laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

Then she got into a waiting car where we presume she kept on laughing as it drove away.