RUMOR MILLS

Hello everyone, Matt Mills here, and guess what?

 

Oh boy, I love that meme. Anyhoo, onto the hot goss!

• • With the return of Chandler Tsonda to the fold in PRIME, dirt sheets have teased returns by his former A-List stablemates Danny Ferguson and the Illustrious Face-Eater. It remains to be seen whether Ferguson is at all interested in a return to the sport that nearly broke him. And if blurry Facebook pictures are to be believed, Face-Eater has a lucrative second act as a warlord in the breakaway republic of South Ossetia, making his recruitment a logistical, as well as legally questionable, challenge.

 

• • There is a rumor that Timo Bolamba is looking to endorse a New Zealand coffee that is themed around hobbits called Second Breakfast. Much like Jamie Lee Curtis and Activia, Timo is taking up the fight for regularity amongst aging men.

Also considered for the campaign are Ivan Stanislav, Nova, and Brandon and his Youngbloods. (The article went on to clarify they are talking about his gentlemen’s vegetables which are clearly visible in his company photo.)

 

• • Rocky De Leon needs to lay off the drugs. This is less rumor and more hard fact.

 

• • While it was previously thought that waffles may have been the culprit for the plumbing issues at Paycom Arena, there are rumors that an independent study has been done and inhumane amounts of Vitrol Russian Bear 5000 weight gain may be at fault.

A spokesman for the arena plumbing system stated “a normal person processes at most 2 servings of this filth. Whoever did this heinous act took in enough weight gain to supply the entire 1992 Dream Team, the 1985 Chicago Bears, the Justice League, and both Clegane brothers at the same time.

Clearly this was no ordinary bowel system. We are dealing with a highly advanced set of bowels that is capable of (under the right circumstances) being classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

 

• • Joe Fontaine was spotted in the Bahamas amidst reports that he is a free agent, recognizable only because despite being in “disguise” in a loud Hawaiian shirt and ridiculous sunglasses, he got very drunk at one point and started yelling “I AM JOE FONTAINE!” at the top of his lungs for everyone to hear before he fell asleep and started snoring.

There remains no word on his future with PRIME, but Fontaine and Phillips have continued to keep communications open with PRIME staff. Despite… y’know. Stuff like this.

 

• • Sid Phillips was spotted in what can only be described as an “underground powerbomb club”, where down-on-their-luck members of society engage in powerbomb kumites. Word has been scarce about this club, however, due to the club’s first two rules, plus the next three rules regarding what happens if you break the first two rules. And then I guess there’s a bunch of rules about taxes and club benefits, and it’s a whole lot…

I mean.

Really, you just don’t think about these things when you start up an underground powerbomb club, you know?

 

• • Rumor has it Adam Ellis and Ginny Van Lear went to church on Sunday, but when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, Adam had forgotten his wallet at home and didn’t have a penny to pay. So he got himself a pen and paper and made up his own little sign. It said, “thank you Lord for thinkin’ ‘bout us. We’re alive and doin’ fine.”

 

• • Office scuttlebutt says that one of the new spring interns, Roland Mermermmmerrman, passed out underneath his desk after lunch on Friday. Sources believe he drank too many root beers in the cafeteria and couldn’t handle the sugar rush.

Also, the Maple Leafs still suck.

 

• • Sources say that Cancer Jiles is set to be the next spokesman for Selsun Blue shampoo.

 

• • Some other cards The Anglo Luchador considered sending to Ivan Stanislav:

– So you’re a teenage mother
– Have a blessed Diwali
– Congratulations on your first Holy Communion
– Hooray! You passed that kidney stone!
– So you killed an aloe plant
– Congrats on beating the tax evasion charges
– Have a not-so-blessed Diwali, jerk
– So you’ve joined a monastery
– I can’t believe there are that many Diwali cards at the Dollar Tree

 

• • An ongoing Instagram poll currently being conducted by Pink Posse President and Ben Franklin High Prom Queen, Deb Warenstein, shows the following leaderboard for the Best Hair in PRIME amongst current active roster members:

Chandler Tsonda: 25%
Cecilworth Farthington: 18%
Anna Daniels: 15%
Jared Sykes: 14%
Hoyt Williams: 13%
Abe Lipschitz: 8%
Brandon Youngblood: 5%
Cancer Jiles: 2%

There is wild speculation as to how Cecilworth Farthington is currently in second place despite not having an image up on the PRIME website, to which this Rumor Mills journalist says: 1. Have you seen the man on Culture Shock and ReVival 26? and 2. Get off your lazy, dead ass, Mike, and send Brock his poser.

Voting is set to end this Friday at Noon Central.

 

• • There is no truth to the rumor that The Anglo Luchador has pre-ordered The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

 

• • Rumors that The Homicycle has been banned from LUCHA ESPECIAL 3 for making threatening posts on the Ring Dispatch Forums are unfounded. However, rumors that half the luchadores looking for a booking at LUCHA ESPECIAL 3 are scared to death of The Homicycle have not yet been addressed.

 

• • Grim tidings from Rumor Mills! Mega Job still has one contracted appearance left in PRIME. They could appear at any time. At any moment. They watch. They wait. You will never see them coming. You cannot escape them. One day, they will appear to mess with your entire sense of reality. One day, the walls of causality will crumble before them and a thousand screaming minds will lash out in vain from the stupidity that they will be wrought. One day, they may actually bring back a forbidden taco restaurant, and hordes of ferocious owls will descend upon it as the first sign of the Apocowlypse.

Or, you know, maybe they’ll just appear anti-climatically in the background of a random segment on a random ReVival.

Either one would be a Mega Job thing to do when you think about it.

 

• • There’s rumors that the plan to go forward with Kohime Mori’s Frozen Pork Buns as a for sale item at the PRIMEporium are almost finalized. It’s been said Mori has been heavily involved in quality control towards the product.

It seems the main sticking point is how they’ll be promoted. The tag line “Stick my buns in your mouth!” is being used as a placeholder, but there’s speculation Kohime might not approve of the verbiage. More details to come.

 

• • Rumors have been flying around about various members of the PRIME roster being approached to appear in a few different movies. This week is no different, as Tony Gamble was approached about playing a former jockey that has to save the President of the United States in “Seabiscuit has Fallen.”

 

• • With “Wonka” set to release in December, it’s no surprise that the leaks have begun to sprout. One such leak was a song that popped up on Spotify, but was quickly removed by Warner Bros. Pictures. Luckily we were able to jot down the lyrics and share them with you.

Enjoy!

Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-do
I’ve got a little ditty for you.
Oompa Loompa do-ba-da-dee
If PRIME is wise they’ll listen to me.

How does it feel to be all alone?
Knowing your dad just wanted to bone.
Poor little Eddie had to settle for Cross.
While Garry uses Bolamba like a FUH KING boss!

Timo’s pull out game is really weak.

Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da
If you join GAS, Eddie you can go far.
Even you can live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-doo

 

• • No Laughing Matter went straight to Shinobi-zato to eat at the famous Ramen Ichiraku when they arrived in Japan, but were upset that they didn’t run into any Kaiju on the way. They also want to visit where Han died, because family.

 

• • FLAMBERGE has allegedly been approached for the first time by PRIME’s marketing team to discuss shirt designs. Specifics are unclear, though it is highly speculated that this may possibly potentially kinda be related to a major forthcoming change to the Frenchman’s presentation on screen, we think. We’re not sure. Worth noting is that merch talks have fizzled out with several other PRIME stars of the ReVival era, so time will tell just how hard the behind-the-scenes-machine believes FLAMBO is worth this sort of investment.

 

• • Are the Glue Factory getting in to the triangle sandwiches game? It’s hard to say if Lord Farthington’s latest Jabber interactions are madness or marketing.

 

• • We here at the Rumor Mills office have been hearing whispers that the PRIME referee corp are tired with head referee Timo Bolamba’s erratic behavior on social media, first with the Samoan Silencer’s posts regarding his wealth and perceived social status and now his recent turn into a man of frugality. This has also puzzled some members of the PRIME roster, including those closest to Timo like the Anglo Luchador. Has Bolamba lost the support of the locker room? Is this all being blown out of proportion? We’ll let you know if anything more comes of this.

 

• • Apparently, Arthur Pleasant is campaigning backstage to be put into the Hall of Fame after only two matches. When asked during a Zoom meeting with The Hammerlock Herald if this was true, Pleasant had this to say:

“Well, I mean, duh. If an owner can put himself into the Hall of Fame, why can’t I go in? Amirite?!”

When asked about what promotion it was that an owner put themselves into the Hall of Fame, Pleasant remarked with a coy little smirk and simply said, “I forget. Michael Lee Best mentioned it on social media. Personally, I think it’s a BRILLIANT idea!”

He then made a hashtag symbol with both sets of index and middle fingers before shouting “PLEASANT FOR PRIME HOF 2023!”

Good lord.

 

• • Rumor has it that Ivan Stanislav was the recipient of a bomb scare the previous week. No other specific details have emerged, other than an official representative of Russia stating that it was “the failed attempt by sinister anti-Russian forces to sow chaos.”

 

• • Once again, several names and faces from PRIME were featured in the latest report from the Scandal Sheet, published by wrestling “journalist” Savannah Scandal. Let’s check the lowlights.

“It was recently reported that Coral Avalon and his wife, Annabelle, are expecting. Congratulations to Annabelle and whoever the father is. Vegas odds list the favorites: Powerslam Anubis 3-1, Sid Phillips 10-1, Justine Calvin 15-1, Coral Avalon 20-1, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 100-1, Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy 500-1, all three members of Mega Job 20,000,000-1.”

“Lindsay Troy and Wade Elliott are expected to ask Abe Lipshitz to join them soon for some…intense negotiations. Whether Abe the Babe is expected to be their unicorn for a night, or whether they’re forming a thruple, remains to be seen.”

“Nate Colton has become a common fixture in the Las Vegas club scene over the last month; he’s been spotted at numerous hotspots in the last month…and always with the same woman. One of our correspondents caught up with Nate and His Date recently in an effort to learn her identity, but she pretended not to hear him. Colton definitely heard, judging by the gesture he made in response.”

“According to an inside source with SHOOT Project, former PRIME wrestler Ria Lockhart ‘gets them hoes.'”