Cracking News

For immediate release:

No one has seen or heard from CANER JILES following his humiliating defeat at ReVival 27. Numerous reports have been circulating around the the watercooler as to where he is and why he’s missing.

Here’s a few of them:

After his match was over KING COOL was so ashamed by the outcome he removed a lens from his T-shades and used it to cut off the ring and pinky fingers from his left hand. The fingers were then offered up to Zeus as sign of good faith. No word yet on whether or not the offering was… eggcepted.

Another take is that the pipe broke, and THE COOLYMPIAN broke both his ankles when he fell down to the floor while attempting to hang himself during the ReVival 27 MAIN EVENT. Some are also speculating he might have done this so he’d never have to be in a segment with Abe Lipschitz again.

One person even said they saw Captain COOL boarding the USS Octane with a margarita in his hand and sombrero atop his head. They also mentioned the noose around his neck and how it was dragging behind him.

Lastly, and shockingly enough, some are even saying THE BIG C has quit wrestling for the every day grind of the KFC drive through window. No word yet on if shift supervisor Noah Hanson will have him working alongside his old rival, Jillian Bathory.

More on this as it develops.

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Other notes:

-Bobby Dean signed up to participate at PWA 2. Of course, he confused the event for a help group(People With Anorexia) he wished to mock, and has since pulled out of the event.

-A piece of Cardboard Dan was recently auctioned off with the proceeds going to a homeless charity. Though the act was viewed as sincere, many at the fundraiser questioned the authenticity of the piece. The winning bid went to a bald man for 97 million dollars.