Bang! Pro Wrestling Presents Hell’s Blazing Garden (5/1-5/14)!

It is dark, and hell is blazing! Claire Merci has a date with destiny in Sapporo against “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa for the Bang! Openweight Championship! But standing in the way of the Kingdom and its destiny are a myriad obstacles. A Generalissimo builds his army. The Hawkeye has made his mission statement clear to destroy everything.

 

MAY 1^st, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN CHIBA

• Intelligent Design (“Thick Walls” Wally Wallace & “Stunning” Sam Smart) def. Youta Mitsumine & Rin Aketa @ 8:44 by pinfall after the Cosmic Debunking (throwing crucifix powerbomb into a neckbreaker) from Smart/Wallace to Mitsumine
• No Laughing Matter (Frank Pastore & Domingo Cruz) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew) @ 7:12 by pinfall after a Deuce Dime (package piledriver) from Cruz to Matthew
• Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba def. The Big Blue Bug @ 6:08 by pinfall after Blood on the Plow (roaring elbow)
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. Takeshi Shirase @ 1:28 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• The Kazuyagumi (“Ace of Hearts” Kazuya Fukumaru, Pom Shinjoku, “Queen of Maniacs” Fujiko Natori and “RED” Ryota Saijo) def. “Ace of Clubs” Haruki Kazano, “Ace of Spades” Izou Yoshida, “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara and Masami Morino @ 14:55 by submission after the Red Hook (bulldog choke) from Saijo to Morino
• DESTROY IT ALL (“Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi, “Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama, EIJI, and Junpei Tsukioka) def. The Ironhearts (“Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino and Kensuke BLACK), Roosevelt Black & Tani Albright @ 23:08 by pinfall after the Oblivion Sickle (Rainmaker lariat) from EIJI to Albright

Let’s begin the recaps by talking about two of the gaijin teams that are rolling through Bang! Pro Wrestling!

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Both Intelligent Design and No Laughing Matter put a stomping on some of the entry level teams of Bang! Pro Wrestling. Both teams are intending to challenge the New World Trash for the Bang! With Your Partner championships, which has clearly become one of the most prestigious tag team belts in the world in recent months! Pastore and Cruz of No Laughing Matter, representing PRIME’s Gamble Adoration Syndicate, made their intentions known that they’re here to stay, and Domingo Cruz might have proven that by making Matthew “Hentai” maybe an inch or two shorter after a vicious package piledriver! Meanwhile… Intelligent Design completely flattened the young lion contingent of Youta Mitsumine and Rin Aketa in a match that only seemed competitive on the surface.

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Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba now represents the island nation of Bolambaland, but don’t ask the sovereign nation of Japan to recognize it or to be able to easily find it on Google Maps! He squared off against the blue copyright friendly Big Blue Bug, and while Bolamba gave up a lot of size, Ray-Ray actually smashed him with what I can only assume based on visual evidence to be an M. Bison-style scissor kick before putting him away with the Blood on the Plow. After the match, Ray-Ray declared that the Big Blue Bug will be joining his “Monster Menagerie”… and it looks like we can make that official because that’s how wrestling matches work for Ray-Ray?

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Hi, everyone. Have you met MAGNUS DESTRUCTO? I can’t seem to talk about him without writing his name in all caps! It’s kind of a curse! Anyway, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO sent young lion Takeshi Shirase to hell in a little over a minute. He yelled a lot, he looked scary, and referees had to stop him from actually decapitating Shirase after the bell! This goliath looks like he’s about to become a real threat here in Bang! Pro Wrestling!

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The Kazuyagumi allowed Victor “the Constrictor” Jimenez to go off to other parts of the world to represent their brand of no-quarter-given violence, but they brought in a new wrestler from the Japanese independent scene in “RED” Ryota Saijo. The newcomer made an immediate impact in choking out young lion Masami Morino in eight-person tag action. Can the Kazuyagumi get back on track after the setbacks suffered at the hands of the Crownless Kingdom?

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In the main event, Taka Sakuragi and his new “DESTROY IT ALL” faction consisting of himself, Junpei Tsukioka, “Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama, and EIJI defeated an Ironhearts-based team with the Iron Idol and Kensuke BLACK teaming up with Gray’s Academy students Roosevelt Black and Tani Albright! And it’s very apparent that Sakuragi chose his allies well, as the four covered each other masterfully in dispatching their hated enemies. EIJI used his size to decimate the smaller wrestlers in the match, while Tsukioka and Kuwayama used their speed to harry them, and Sakuragi continued to focus the entirety of his grudge on the Iron Idol to keep her out of the match. In the end, despite a valiant effort from Roosevelt Black, he gets smashed by EIJI’s Oblivion Sickle to take the loss.

Sakuragi has made it abundantly clear that he’s after Tsukino and her Conception championship, even following her to the Madhouse to further his grudge. Sakuragi’s viciousness has proven to be on a level beyond that even the Ironhearts have faced so far.

Are her days as champion be numbered?

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MAY 5^th, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN SENDAI

• No Quarter (Daryn Thompson & Bracken Krueger) def. Youta Mitsumine & Rin Aketa @ 3:08 by pinfall after the DNR (Shatter Machine) from Thompson/Krueger to Aketa
• DESTROY IT ALL (“Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama & EIJI) def. Hiro Taguchi & Masami Morino @ 8:19 by pinfall after the Grim Dawn (Go 2 Sleep) from Kuwayama to Taguchi
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya @ 1:15 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• The Crownless Kingdom (Claire Merci, Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar & “Lunch Lawyer” Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew), Dr. Marmalade, and Duke Easton @ 12:32 by pinfall after a Galatine Driver (inverted Michinoku driver) from Yum to Matthew
• DESTROY IT ALL (“Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi & Junpei Tsukioka) def. The Ironhearts (“The Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino & Kensuke BLACK) @ 16:08 by pinfall after the Iron Sight (Kamigoye) from Sakuragi to BLACK
• “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa and the New World Trash (Bex Savage & Angel Quinley) def. “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes and the Beasts of Tokyo (Seiko Serizawa & HAMAYUMI) @ 20:08 by pinfall after Joker’s Wild (Canadian backbreaker rack rolled into a knee strike) from Ichikawa to HAMAYUMI

We begin with No Quarter, who clearly aren’t being paid by the hour after a three minute demolition of the Fabulous Hentai Brothers! The duo of Daryn Thompson and Bracken Krueger ran a train on the Hentais and made their case for challenging the New World Trash for the Bang! With Your Partners championships!

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The first pair of DESTROY IT ALL, Kuwayama and EIJI, dispatched the young lion tandem of Hiro Taguchi and Masami Morino. The match ended with Kuwayama landing his Grim Dawn finishing move, putting Taguchi’s lights out for the three count. Later in the night, the other pair of Sakuragi and Tsukioka defeated the Ironhearts – with Sakuragi pinning Kensuke BLACK after a lot of low blows on the part of Tsukioka to leave BLACK vulnerable enough for the Iron Sight! After the match, Sakuragi formally challenged Riko Tsukino to a one-on-one match for the Conception championship in Sapporo.

Naturally, as the Ironhearts have vowed eternal revenge on the traitorous Hawkeye, Tsukino accepted the challenge.

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MAGNUS DESTRUCTO destroyed another young lion today. This time, it was the young buck (rhino?) of the Generalissimo’s Monster Menagerie from beyond Bolambaland, who was immediately smashed and dropped with a Destructo-Bomb and might’ve been poached for ivory if a lot of referees and a couple of the Menagerie didn’t step in to stop him! As usual, he left yelling in all capital letters about how much he was going to destruct his next opponent.

Shouldn’t he be in the stable called DESTROY IT ALL? No? Okay then.

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The Crownless Kingdom rolled over the Fabulous Hentai Brothers, Dr. Marmalade, and Duke Easton. That was made all the easier when Easton decided to not even save Matthew from Lord Yum’s Galatine Driver, and instead stood there and locked eyes with Yum the entire time before walking away. Easton is a newcomer to Bang! Pro Wrestling who made his name in the East Coast as the Devil of Delaware, and it remains to be seen what his intentions truly are!

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Finally, “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa found himself in the main event, teaming up with the New World Trash to take on the Beasts of Tokyo and Rory Hayes in six-person action! Or, should we say, six-person and one-Homicycle action, because where there’s a Rory Hayes, there is most certainly a Homicycle! Despite the presence of a flying bicycle in this match, referee Ryuunosuke Doi remained as typically blasé about the whole thing! In the end, though, it was Joker’s Wild for HAMAYUMI and the Openweight Champion remained strong heading into his showdown with the Crownless Kingdom’s Claire Merci in Sapporo!

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MAY 6^th, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN MORIOKA

• “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes & The Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle def. The Monster Menagerie (The Big Blue Bug & “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya) @ 9:01 by pinfall after Hayes throws the Homicycle at Komiya and the Homicycle pins him
• “Ace of Clubs” Haruki Kazano def. Hiro Taguchi @ 8:12 by pinfall with the Higekiri (Hammerlock DDT)
• “Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi def. Takeshi Shirase @ 5:08 by pinfall after the Iron Sight (Kamigoye)
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. Rin Aketa @ 0:51 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• Duke Easton def. Saburou Tanaka @ 9:01 by pinfall after the East Rollercoaster (Dominator)
• Junpei Tsukioka def. Cowabunga Kenji @ 10:31 by submission after the Roppongi Sleep Tight (rear naked choke)
• The Ironhearts (“Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa & “The Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino) def. The Crownless Kingdom (Claire Merci & Ignacio el Jaguar) @ 21:19 by pinfall after the Sunspark (Single knee facebreaker) from Tsukino to Jaguar

The biggest news coming out of Morioka wasn’t a match result. It’s the fact that there’s been a new wrinkle in the upcoming match in Sapporo between Openweight champion “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa and Hardweight champion and Saikyou Cup winner Claire Merci… Merci has agreed to put the Hardweight championship on the line in the match as well!

Because the Hardweight championship will be occupied in the main event of Sapporo, the decision has been made to create an “interim Hardweight championship” to be held until such a time that the future champ-champ can defend their title. This interim championship will be decided in a “Hell’s Blazing Ladder Match”!

Participants for this event will include former champions Kensuke BLACK, “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara, and “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes… it will also include MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba, Duke Easton, and two surprise participants to be named later! Whoever wins the match will be the interim Hardweight champion and will have a guaranteed date with the real Hardweight champion down the road!

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As mentioned, one of these participants is Rory Hayes. Remember him? He sometimes teams up with a bicycle to fight guys. That’s what he did tonight, fighting off the Monster Menagerie tandem of the Big Blue Bug and “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya. After managing to eject the Bug from the ring, all it took was throwing the Homicycle at Komiya and letting the thing pin him! We know Jack Sweetwater is off to bigger and better things, but we have to think he’s smiling wherever he is knowing that he’s no longer the only person in the history of professional wrestling to get pinned by a bicycle!

After the match, the interest of Generalissimo Bolamba was surely piqued! He challenged Hayes to a match in Hachinohe – with the stipulation that Hayes and the Homicycle will join the Menagerie if Bolamba defeats him! Also, he was accompanied by a strange, small yellow… thing wearing a latex mask of Timo Bolamba known only as the “Crypto Creep”, peddling the official currency of Bolambaland: a lot of NFTs!

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Haruki Kazano put down Hiro Taguchi with the Higekiri in singles action, but the real news out of this match was a challenge issued to him by his fellow Ace of Bang!, Izou Yoshida! Yoshida, who hasn’t actually won a match himself in a very long time, challenged his longtime friend and rival to a match in Sapporo. Haruki did not answer the challenge, however, leaving Yoshida to stew about it after the fact.

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MAGNUS DESTRUCTO definitely attempted to rip a man’s face off tonight. Fortunately, he was unsuccessful from inflicting a full Nicolas Cage on Rin Aketa, as he was once again stopped from blatant homicide by officials. MAGNUS DESTRUCTO vowed that no referee would stop him from dismantling any who would stand before him. Except he said that in all capital letters.

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Junpei Tsukioka of DESTROY IT ALL defeated his former Kazuyagumi mate Cowabunga Kenji with a new choke submission hold. Kenji looked disheveled, as though he just . The unconscious Kenji was then abducted – again – by a mysterious birdman via Mystery Bird Driver and taken captive once again.

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Finally, in the main event, the Ironhearts pair of Gorou Ichikawa and Riko Tsukino managed a win over the Crownless Kingdom’s Claire Merci and Ignacio el Jaguar. While Tsukino and Jaguar fought brilliantly, all eyes were on the Openweight and Hardweight champions as they had their first clashes since Merci won the Saikyou Cup. Eventually, though, Jaguar took Tsukino’s Sunspark and was the one pinned.

There was plenty of jawing between Merci and Ichikawa in at least three different languages between them, before, during, and well after the match. The stakes couldn’t be higher between the two, now, as one of them is going to leave Sapporo with two championship belts!

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MAY 7^th, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN HACHINOHE

• No Quarter (Bracken Krueger & Daryn Thompson) def. Saburou Tanaka & Takeshi Shirase @ 2:09 by pinfall after the DNR (Shatter Machine) from Krueger/Thompson to Aketa
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. Youta Mitsumine @ 0:51 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• Roosevelt Black & Tani Albright def. The Monster Menagerie (The Big Blue Bug & “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya) @ 12:09 by pinfall after a corkscrew crossbody from Black to Komiya
• No Laughing Matter (Frank Pastore & Domingo Cruz) def. The Kazuyagumi (“Queen of Maniacs” Fujiko Natori & “RED” Ryota Saijo) @ 14:42 by pinfall after the Deuce Dime (package piledriver) from Cruz to Saijo
• Bang! Hardweight Championship: Claire Merci © def. Hiro Taguchi @ 4:18 after a straight knee
• Bang! Conception Championship: Riko Tsukino © def. EIJI @ 16:09 by pinfall after a pair of Sunsparks (single knee facebreaker)
• Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba def. “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes @ 18:09 by pinfall after the Blood on the Plow (roaring elbow)

No Quarter slaughtered a cobbled together team of former Kazuyagumi member Saburou Tanaka and Takeshi Shirase in just over two minutes. This was followed by MAGNUS DESTRUCTO beating Youta Mitsumine so quickly that we’re starting to think that he’s speed-running his attempted murders disguised as wrestling matches! Tonight was his PB! And I swear I think he was looking at me, specifically, when he was pinning Mitsumine even though I watch Bang! shows from the comfort of my living room…

Uh, anyway!

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The Gray’s Academy pair of Roosevelt Black and Tani Albright defeated the Monster Menagerie in a close bout, with the Big Blue Bug doing a lot of powerful moves and cool posing. In the end, though, Black caught Komiya with a corkscrew crossbody and pinned him. Black and Albright were both very confused about the entire Monster Menagerie, though, with Albright spending most of the post-match interview mouthing the words “what the fuck” over and over again.

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Unlike No Quarter, No Laughing Matter actually had a tough challenge awaiting them as they took on the Kazuyagumi pair of Fujiko Natori and Ryota Saijo. There were times when Tony Gamble’s understudies seemed lost amidst the ruthless insanity of the Queen of Maniacs and the violence displayed by RED Ryota. In the end, though, all it took was a little ingenuity, some copious distractions, and a big low blow for Domingo Cruz to pick up the win for his team. It was a big test, and NLM passed it with flying colors!

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Ahead of her huge match in Sapporo, Claire Merci put her Hardweight title on the line against Hiro Taguchi, and flattened him in only a few minutes. She pinned him with the same straight knee she used to knock out Akira Hanazawa, who is on another one of his post-loss sabbaticals because the Godslayer is definitely not a sore loser!

All-in-all, an easy tune-up match for the Merciless Queen, who has clearly added a new weapon to her arsenal ahead of her match with Ichikawa with that wicked knee of hers. But Ichikawa has weathered plenty of storms before… will it be enough?

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A much tougher title defense awaited Bang! Conception Champion Riko Tsukino, who found a challenger in one of the two newcomers that aligned themselves with Taka Sakuragi and his DESTROY IT ALL faction. Tsukino, as was often the case, was on the back foot against her much larger opponent to start the match, getting manhandled by the Pale Rider.

However, despite EIJI’s laser focus in destroying Tsukino, it was pretty clear that he wasn’t interested in actually winning the match as he was in wounding Tsukino before her match with Sakuragi. Several times, it looked as though he had her dead to rights, only for him to pick her up before he could even win the championship. This lasted until Tsukino hit a pair of Sunsparks to steal the victory from EIJI.

Sakuragi and Kuwayama hit the ring after the bell, but Tsukino managed to escape them with her championship in tow!

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Finally, the main event saw Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba take on the “Don of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes, and boy howdy, this was a wild one! This match was essentially a hardcore match between Bolamba and Hayes, because who’s going to tell the Don of the Deathmatch that he couldn’t throw the Homicycle into the face of a man what looks like Larry Bird? Indeed, the Generalissimo found himself on the back foot out of the gate when Hayes immediately threw the Homicycle at him and then beat him repeatedly with it! Who knew that a bicycle could be used so well as a weapon in a professional wrestling ring? Besides Rory Hayes, anyway!

There were many times when Bolamba looked like his goose was cooked against the more experienced hardcore wrestler, but he was helped out immensely by the presence of the rest of the Menagerie. The Big Blue Bug sacrificed himself to take a Homicycle to the face. “Rhino Horn” tripped Hayes up when he went for the Mindbender piledriver. Then Lord Admiral of the Pacific Kurosame-sama prevented Hayes from winning with a later Mindbender by landing on him with the Covenant of the Deep while he attempted a pin! But the most deciding factor of all? A mysterious birdman walking into the match, hitting Hayes with a Mystery Bird Driver, and allowing the Generalissimo to land the Blood on the Plow to formally induct Rory Hayes into the Menagerie!

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MAY 11^th, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN AOMORI

• The Monster Menagerie (Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba, Admiral of the Pacific and its Fleet Lord Kurosame-sama, The Big Blue Bug, and “Hippo of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew), Hiro Taguchi, and Rin Aketa @ 10:09 by pinfall after the Mindbender (Gotch-style piledriver) from Hayes to Aketa
• DESTROY IT ALL (“Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama & EIJI) def. The Monster Menagerie (a mysterious birdman & “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya) @ 7:09 by pinfall after the Grim Dawn (Go 2 Sleep) from Kuwayama to Komiya
• The Ironhearts (“Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino & Kensuke BLACK) def. Youta Mitsumine & Takeshi Shirase @ 7:48 by pinfall after the Sunspark from Tsukino to Shirase
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. Masami Morino @ 0:46 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• Circe def. “RED” Ryota Saijo @ 12:42 by pinfall after A Drink For My Darling (pumphandle lift into rising knee strike)
• Non-Title: “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa def. Roosevelt Black @ 17:51 by pinfall after the Peacemaker (running blockbuster)
• Bang! With Your Friends Championship: The Crownless Kingdom (Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar & “Lunch Lawyer” Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.) def. The Beasts of Tokyo (Seiko Serizawa & HAMAYUMI) and Dr. Marmalade @ 22:09 by pinfall after a Galatine Driver (inverted Michinoku driver) from Yum to Marmalade

Things began very awkwardly when the Monster Menagerie took on the Fabulous Hentai Brothers and some of the finest young lions in Bang! Pro Wrestling! Rory Hayes has officially joined the Monster Menagerie, but he’s definitely not all that thrilled about being called the “Hippo of the Deathmatch” and having to wear a hippo mask! I mean, sure, Hayes has the right build and level of dangerousness to be a hippo, but… I digress!

The team of the Generalissimo, Lord Kurosame-sama, the Big Blue Bug, and Hayes were involved in plenty of shenanigans involving the Hentais, and the Homicycle (which now has deer horns mounted on it) was also certainly involved in the proceedings! In the end, Hayes landed the Mindbender on Aketa after launching the Homicycle at him behind the referee’s back and picked up the win for his team!

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It was not, however, all good news for the Menagerie, because the other two members of the group ran into DESTROY IT ALL in the very next match. While the match looked like it was in doubt when a mysterious birdman was yeeting the Grim Face all over the place and was out-powering the big EIJI, things fell apart immediately once he had to tag out to Komiya! From there, EIJI was able to prevent the birdman from re-entering the match while Kuwayama picked apart Komiya before finishing him off with the Grim Dawn to pick up the win for his team.

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The Ironhearts team of Riko Tsukino and Kensuke BLACK defeated their own set of Young Lions in quick succession. Tsukino got on the microphone to address Sakuragi, whom she’s set to face in Sapporo in just four days, and set her stipulations for the match: no members of the Ironhearts or DESTROY IT ALL at ringside. Hardweight rules. Sakuragi accepted the terms, and then the rest of DESTROY IT ALL descended upon the Ironhearts immediately. However, they’re driven off by the tandem of Roosevelt Black and Tani Albright before they could do any real damage!

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MAGNUS DESTRUCTO continues to set speedrun records in the art of destroying his opponents. He has, however, grown quite angry that he keeps getting prevented from decapitating his opponents afterwards. I’m sure that won’t lead to anything bad, though.

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The next match involved a newcomer to Bang! Pro Wrestling, a very tall masked joshi named Circe, taking on “RED” Ryota Saijo of the Kazuyagumi. The match was surprisingly hard-hitting, with Circe landing powerful strikes on an unsuspecting Saijo. Saijo fought back, and at one point threatened Circe with the Red Hook. However, she slipped out of the hold and smashed him with hard knee before putting him away with a crazy pumphandle lift into a knee strike called A Drink For My Darling that looked like it knocked him into next week!

Circe didn’t speak to reporters after the match, aloofly walking off without a word.

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Roosevelt Black has been doing reasonably well in Bang! Pro Wrestling, and has been steadily improving under the hot forge of Bang! Pro Wrestling. But facing a talent at the caliber of “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa was like being thrown into shark-infested waters without a raft! Just not Lord Kurosame-sama infested waters, those are way different. Anyway! Despite the odds being very much against him, Black brought it against Ichikawa and even had an extremely narrow two-count off of his corkscrew crossbody that was only saved by way of Ichikawa getting a hand on the ropes! In the end, Ichikawa avoided the triple jump moonsault which paved the way for him to land the Peacemaker to pick up the win!

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In the main event of the evening, the Crownless Kingdom trio of Powerslam Anubis, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., and Ignacio el Jaguar took on the cobbled together team of the Beasts of Tokyo and Dr. Marmalade! Despite the Beasts seemingly in a freefall since losing the Partners championships to the New World Trash, they took it to the Crownless trio along with Dr. Marmalade’s trademark antics! Chaos ensued, as is usual with the Kingdom, but in the end, Lord Yum once again proved to be the difference maker for the team with a cheeky low blow and a Galantine Driver on Dr. Marmalade to pick up the win!

After the match, though, was when things became interesting. Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba and his Monster Menagerie hit the ring to attempt to forcibly conscript Powerslam Anubis to their cause! While the three tried to fight them off, Bolamba had twice their number… and the Beasts of Tokyo, who seemingly have joined the Menagerie as well, and they were overwhelmed!

It was only when Claire Merci herself appeared with a steel chair that the attempt could be thwarted. You know who else showed up to thwart the attempt? “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa and the Ironhearts, of all people! After the Menagerie were forced into a retreat, with Generalissimo vowing revenge in the name of Dale, the Ironhearts and the Kingdom had a very tense standoff. Ultimately, referees and officials were able to keep the two factions from coming to blows ahead of the showdown between Ichikawa and Merci.

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MAY 14^th, 2023: HELL’S BLAZING GARDEN IN HAKODATE

• Circe def. “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya @ 5:56 by pinfall after A Drink For My Darling (pumphandle lift into rising knee strike)
• The Monster Menagerie (Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba, Admiral of the Pacific and its Fleet Lord Kurosame-sama & a mysterious birdman) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew) and “Ace of Spades” Izou Yoshida @ 3:42 by submission after Deep Sea Thrombosis (Calf killer) from Kurosame to Matthew
• No Laughing Matter (Frank Pastore & Domingo Cruz) def. Masami Morino & Rin Aketa @ 4:13 by pinfall after a Harsh Intent (Burning Hammer) from Pastore to Aketa
• MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. Hiro Taguchi @ 0:41 by pinfall after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver)
• “The Devil of Delaware” Duke Easton and “Hippo of the Deathmatch” Rory Hayes go to a double disqualification @ 8:09 after a brawl breaks out between them, Circe, Generalissimo Bolamba, “Diamond” Daisuke, Kensuke BLACK, and MAGNUS DESTRUCTO
• Intelligent Design (“Thick Walls” Wally Wallace & “Stunning” Sam Smart) def. The Monster Menagerie (The Big Blue Bug & Cowabunga Kenji) @ 12:08 by pinfall after the Cosmic Debunking (throwing crucifix bomb and neckbreaker combination) from Smart/Wallace to Kenji
• “Ace of Clubs” Haruki Kazano def. “Queen of Maniacs” Fujiko Natori @ 19:04 by pinfall after the Higekiri (Hammerlock DDT)
• DESTROY IT ALL (“Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama, EIJI, & Junpei Tsukioka) def. the Kazuyagumi (“Ace of Hearts” Kazuya Fukumaru, Pom Shinjoku & “RED” Ryota Saijo) @ 16:01 by pinfall after the Oblivion Sickle (Rainmaker lariat) from EIJI to Saijo
• The Crownless Kingdom (Claire Merci, Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar & “Lunch Lawyer” Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.) and the Ironhearts (“Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa, “Iron Idol” Riko Tsukino, Kensuke BLACK & Curtis Alexander Brown) and ends in a double disqualification @ 21:09

Circe kicked off the show by kicking Shinji Komiya right in the face, which knocked off that stupid horn headband that Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba has him wearing. After a little more action that saw Komiya try to fight back, Circe put him away with A Drink For My Darling and she walked off once again without saying anything to reporters.

It was also announced that Circle would be participating in the ladder match tomorrow night, which makes seven out of the eight people involved in the match official!

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The Monster Menagerie continues to roll in the undercard, taking down the Fabulous Hentai Brothers yet again, this time teaming with the seemingly hapless “Ace of Spades” in rapid succession. After the match, though, Yoshida left the Hentais to convalesce in the ring and told reporters that he had something important he wanted to talk about later in the evening.

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No Laughing Matter picked up another win ahead of the fatal fourway match for the Partners titles between themselves, Intelligent Design, and No Quarter. The GAS representatives were very dominant against Masami Morino and Rin Aketa, and seemed very confident that they will win the titles. Can they?

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The Devil of Delaware and the Hippo of the Deathmatch aren’t actually strangers to one another, having a rivalry dating back to their time in America, and maybe that’s why this match was an absolute pier six brawl! You know, the kind where Homicycles are used as projectile weapons! However, eight minutes into the match… all hell broke loose.

At first, it was the Generalissimo – Hayes’ new boss that won his services in a professional wrestling match because that’s how things are done around here. Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba attempted to intervene on behalf of Hayes, only to be stopped by Circe! As the two of them fought, “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara and Kensuke BLACK came out to fight as well. Then MAGNUS DESTRUCTO decided that if everyone’s going to fight, so will he! The fight spilled into the ring and even the typically lax Ryuunosuke Doi was forced to call for a disqualification!

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The antics of the Monster Menagerie continued into the next match, as the Big Blue Bug and Cowabunga Kenji – yes, apparently, he’s been conscripted by the mysterious birdman – teamed up to take on Intelligent Design. Things looked pretty bad for the rookie tag team as Smart took a beating from the Bug and the Salaryman (who, I guess, is now turtle themed), but eventually, Wallace tagged in and reasserted ID’s control! The Bug was taken out of the match with a sandwich double elbow, leaving Kenji vulnerable to the Cosmic Debunking to secure ID’s win and path to the Partners championships tomorrow night!

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Haruki Kazano was in action tonight, defeating the Kazuyagumi’s Fujiko Natori in a hard-hitting bout. He was once again confronted after the match by his fellow Ace, Izou Yoshida, who proposed another challenge to his fellow Ace. But this challenge is different. Should showrunner Inoue Doi and Haruki accept the terms, then Yoshida wants to go for broke. If he defeats Haruki Kazano, he gets the next shot at the Bang! Openweight Championship… despite his terrible losing record. But should he fail, he’s retiring.

Haruki Kazano initially refuses to take the match, telling Yoshida that he’s out of his mind and that he doesn’t want to be responsible for the end of his career. This only infuriates the Ace of Spades, who is quick to note that Kazano’s attitude implies that he would for sure win the match. Things quickly become heated between the two, until Yoshida slaps Kazano in the face. “Diamond” Daisuke has to step in to separate the two before they get out of hand, but the damage has been done, and Kazano agrees to Yoshida’s match tomorrow night in Sapporo!

Could this truly be the beginning of the end of the Four Aces era of Bang! Pro Wrestling?

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With Natori occupied with Kazano, the Kazuyagumi found themselves in six-person action against the might of DESTROY IT ALL! With two teams not exactly enthused by concepts of “morality”, “fair play” or those pesky “rules”, the match never even started in the ring as the Kazuyagumi immediately left the ring to attack DESTROY IT ALL’s Kuwayama, EIJI, and former Kazuyagumi member Tsukioka! Tsukioka particularly enjoyed trying to pick fights with Fukumaru, only to run away when the Demon of Yokohama started to pay him any attention whatsoever!

EIJI used his great size to toss the wily Shinjoku and the relentless Shijo around, but he fell victim to a Shinjoku knee strike and seemed to be knocked out for a while! Yet, even as Kuwayama took the brunt of the Kazuyagumi offense, he refused to go down until EIJI recovered enough to get back into the fray! Tsukioka took out Fukumaru on the outside and Kuwayama managed to restrain Shinjoku, preventing either of them from rescuing Saijo from EIJI and his Oblivion Sickle!

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Finally, the main event of the full four-person Crownless Kingdom going up against the Ironhearts had an obvious snag: with Sakuragi’s betrayal and Bando Ichikawa still seemingly another month away from returning to action, the Ironhearts only had three members to work with.

Or at least, that’s what everyone thought.

Having requested his release from BRAZEN, Curtis Alexander Brown has suddenly appeared in Bang! Pro Wrestling as the newest Ironheart! The nephew of former fWo and PRIME wrestler Allen “the Codemaster” Brown, CAB has a well of natural talent deeper than nearly everyone that’s ever walked out of the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School… and he has more than a little score to settle with his longtime rival, Ignacio el Jaguar!

After a long initial struggle between the eight people in the match, each of them feeling one another out, it looked as though Claire Merci and “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa would actually give us a preview of their match tomorrow night in Sapporo! Instead, that’s when everyone else decided it was a good time to start brawling amongst one another! Merci and Ichikawa ended up tagging out to Jaguar and Brown respectfully, and the two rookie standouts made it a show! Powerslam Anubis and Kensuke BLACK had surprising displays of power between them despite the not-significant height difference between the Judgement King and the Black Ace! And we can always count on Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. to be a piece of human garbage whenever he steps into the ring, especially against someone as tenacious as Riko Tsukino!

In the end, though, in a show with so much chaos and brawling and fighting, is it any wonder that this wasn’t going to end satisfactorily? Late into the match, the Monster Menagerie again tried to interject in order to bring Powerslam Anubis under their banner. DESTROY IT ALL also got involved to try and… well. Destroy the Ironhearts. With so much faction warfare going on, referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji had no choice but to throw the whole thing out!

No order was ever reestablished after that. The brawling continued all the way until the show went off the air.

How can all of these egos and emotional basketcases possibly keep a lid on it until Sapporo?

Well, I guess we find out tomorrow!

Karen Nakano
RingDispatch.com