I hope the change in the weather has boosted your spirits and productivity in the workplace! Good, hard work makes for good, positive citizens! You know what also makes for a good citizen? Reading Think Red! Ha ha!
We have a stellar edition for you this day, jam packed with accurate predictions for ReVival 28, a very “Pleasant” Wrestler Spotlight, and a big announcement for the upcoming ReVival 28!
What big announcement, you might ask?
I feel it is only necessary that I make this announcement known for ReVival 28, because as you know Praporshchik Stanislav is not slated to compete. This is troubling, as it means a great number of PRIME viewers may not even bother watching the program. But never fear, Ivan has a big announcement, so it would behoove you to watch!
I must confess that I can only hint at the big announcement due this coming ReVival, when Ivan Stanislav and a respected senior interviewer from PRIME will discuss a great many topics! It will be a heartfelt, one on one conversation that I am sure will shed new light to this heroic , handsome Russian man who is taking America by storm once again! If there is one event you do not wish to miss, it is this one! Get your VCR ready. Even record over your wedding. It will be worth it!
ReVival 28 Predictions
As always, these predictions are simply my opinion after incredible analysis and number crunching, but so far I’ve not been very wrong!
CANCER JILES VS. TERRY WOODS
Did I see this Terry Woods fellow unceremoniously leave the company earlier last week? Maybe not, but either way while I know Jiles has struggled upon his return to PRIME (and of course, that was because Ivan Stanislav defeated him), I’m sure he will come roaring back. Caner gets the win here.
ALIAS TITLE MATCH: C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES VS. EDDIE CROSS
I can only reiterate what I said before: Mortimer is not fully healed from Ivan’s absolute decimation of him back in December. I also want to say that this match was supposed to happen last week, and did not. I had nothing to do with it! But I did hear that many thought my commercial was far more interesting and dramatic than whatever this match will be. Eddie wins in no small part to Mortimer being softened up by The Russian Bear.
ABE LIPSCHITZ VS. TONY GAMBLE
I would make an “open up the ring and swallow it whole” joke, but I don’t want Jake Colton getting all upset. Jake, if you find your cheaters and read this, would you still be upset or are you okay with these two bozos metaphorically expiring? I give it to Gamble, even if I don’t want to. The veteran has an unsteady record, but I feel he’s been gaining momentum.
DARIN ZION VS. JACK OWYNS
Well, I think I give this to Zion, as he’s the veteran. I think he’s a moron, but even morons can win matches sometimes.
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR VS. ROCKY DE LEON
I want to make an admission, even if he is a Trotskyist would-be nonperson with poor understanding of leadership, it still pains me to go against a potential rehabilitated communist. But then it’s the Luchador.
I recommend you all look at this match and realize how much of a slap in the face it is to all of us: one man thinks he’s a pterodactyl. The other thinks he’s a rational human being! Why do we subject our viewers to this? Anyway, I must give it to Rocky. The Luchador is just too mean-spirited and judgmental for my tastes and I will not endorse hurtful people of low moral character.
FLAMBERGE VS. TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY
If I am candid with you all (and I always am), I do wish that FLAMBERGE had joined The Red Army. But I cannot begrudge someone for being willing to remain loyal to their friends. FLAMBERGE has such great raw ability, and Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy’s ability is about as good as his singing (which is nil). FLAMBERGE gets the win here.
HOYT WILLIAMS VS. SAGE PONTIFF
I find myself at a loss when trying to consider the winners, when both are so deep in mysticism. I give it to Hoyt, but I worry his issues with Nova might interfere with this match. Oh, nevermind, reports tell me that Nova is still finding blood in his urine and eating pudding after wrestling Ivan last ReVival! No worries here!
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON VS. REZIN
This is interesting. Despite his dipshittery on Jabber, Farthington isn’t as stupid as he sounds. Despite Rezin being Rezin, he is even more stupid than we could ever imagine. Still, I give Rezin the win, even after Ivan Stanislav nearly obliterated him at Culture Shock. He is coming off of a lot of momentum and like him or not, he has a terribly annoying way of getting out of jams and winning matches.
INTENSE TITLE: PAXTON RAY (C) VS. ANNA DANIELS
We have such great respect for Anna Daniels. But Paxton Ray is coming off of a loss last week to Rezin, which I have no doubt is going to fire up the Butcher of Bayou’s. I think the timing is just poor. Ray has so few losses in PRIME, that I simply cannot imagine he will allow another one to sneak by so soon. I give Paxton the win.
A Most Pleasant Wrestler Spotlight- Arthur Pleasant
Folks, I am so happy to bring to you another Wrestler Spotlight. It truly was a pleasure to participate. Please enjoy this candid, heartfelt conversation with myself and Arthur Pleasant.
Q: Mr. Pleasant, it really is, well, pleasant to have this opportunity to interview you for Think Red. How are you today?
A: I’m doing fantastic! I’m watching TAL torch own career by calling other people bullies on Jabber and white knighting like the asshole I’m exposing him to be. It’s fucking hilarious. 🤣
Q: How have you been settling into PRIME?
A: Well, for starters, outside of the ring? I’ve been settling into PRIME very well. I’ve got a good regimen down for keeping myself in great shape. I’ve been getting to know my colleagues a bit more. Inside the ring, though? It could be going better, but that’s the thing about new environments. Sometimes there’s a bit of an adjustment period, and that’s precisely what I’m going through right now with both my losses. That said, no one can deny my ability. No one can deny my willingness to do anything it takes to break down an opponent. Unfortunately for me, Flambo and Jared managed to survive by the hairs on their chinny-chin-chins.
Q: I know you keep rather close associations with Russians. Why is that? Is it our natural charm?
A: No, not really. My associate, Yuri Reznikov, is someone I’ve known for years through my father. The fact that he’s Russian in a wrestling organization where another famous Russian competitor is employed is purely coincidental. A rather happy one, too, given Ivan Stanislav’s respect towards us.
Note for clarification: Russian’s are naturally charming.
Q: I am certain you were morally devastated when you saw the cheater, Hayes Hanlon, steal victory from Ivan Stanislav at Culture Shock, and then only to lose it next to Brandon Youngblood. How much damage do you feel has been done to the PRIME brand as a whole by these selfish acts?
A: God… that was such bullshit, wasn’t it? I think the answer speaks for itself, really. You can see specks of the fallout every ReVival. Exhibit A? Hayes Hanlon couldn’t retain the Universal Championship after his first defense and now a geriatric plum smuggling snoremonger like Brandon Youngblood has it. It’s obvious the cracks in the foundation are spidering outwards at an uncontrollable rate, and it’s a shame Lindsay Troy doesn’t have the right GLUE to keep it together.
Q: How much better do you think PRIME would be, as a whole, if Ivan had rightfully won the Universal Title rather than having it stolen in such a wasteful way?
A: PRIME would own and properly shelving High Octane Wrestling, SHOOT Project, Missouri Valley Wrestling, Sanctioned Violence Organization, and any other shitty company represented by the PWA were it not for Ivan getting fucked over at Culture Shock. Such a sad state of affairs.
Q: Is it difficult to live up to your surname? Because I must say, you seem to be one of the most pleasant people on the roster.
A: I appreciate you recognizing that! It’s not easy having a positive attitude when you’re surrounded by bullies and their talentless cucks in tow. That’s not even taking Jabber into account. You take one look at that maelstrom of gloom and snarkiness and one might be tempted to drop a toaster in the bathtub. But not me. No, sir. Unlike the rest of these fuck wagons, I’m setting the example for taking the moral high ground on social media.
Editor’s Note: Look up the terms “cucks.”
Q: You have had several run-ins with The Anglo Luchador recently. I have to ask, does it make you want to quit PRIME? I know dealing with such a mentally deficient person can be taxing.
A: Not at all. If anything, it drives me to stay in PRIME. Seeing such a worthless coward hiding behind a mask like TAL walk around like he’s the cock of the walk AND being such a long-reigning former Intense Champion? Let’s just say… it gives me lots of hope for my future. Hahaha.
Q: Any final words for our multitude of readers?
A: Yeah. I’m pretty sure TAL did the thingy to Timo, fuck off, and don’t do drugs! Or something. Yeah. GO IVAN!
I must say this has been a very refreshing interview and I want to thank Arthur Pleasant for taking the time out to speak with me. Some previous interviewees were unruly and unfair in their responses, but I am so glad to have someone who speaks from the heart with honesty and dignity. Thank you again, Arthur!
And so we march onward to ReVival 28. Where some matches of relatively no consequence will occur, but the most important announcement of all by our own hero, Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav, will most certainly happen.
I encourage you all to watch ReVival. And while you do it?
Think about how The Red Army fights for the little guy! Think about how the injustices of the wicked will be dashed by the righteous!! And always, my dear friends, always Think Red!