Cracking News

For immediate release:

 

BOBBY DEAN IS BACK!

RE. FUCKING. JOICE.

Once again the Man from Honalee is number one (ton) by definition. The Beautiful Bandit in Crime shocked the wrestling world when he showed up at ReVival 28 looking to smash cupcakes instead of eating them. Word backstage is he even shocked Cancer Jiles, seeing as KING CRUMB had no idea of Bobby’s plan to return. Could there be a space inside the carton between the two? Could Bobby be embarrassed by his affiliation to someone as low on the card as Jiles is?

Time will tell.

For now, BOBBY DEAN IS BACK, so take your pictures while you can. 

Remember, no flash photography.

Also happening on ReVival 28, Conor Fuse revealed himself to be behind all the Comiconnery that’s been happening over the course of the past couple shows. Most in attendance missed the big reveal since he did it after the opening act between Cockroach Jiles and Elephant Woods. In order to rectify this a series of PWA 2 promotional posters were released early with some misprints making it through the screening process.

Regardless of Fuse’s botch, the match is happening. Cancer Jiles has accepted, and he will face Conor Fuse at PWA 2. The former PRIME and HOW World Champion had this to say on the matter while walking out of the arena,

“You lose to one no name jobber and all of a sudden Christmas Past comes calling for some cookies. Conor Fuse. What a killing joke. Crumb then. Crumb now. Tell him I’ll do it, but it is contingent upon him showing up to REVIVAL and challenging me to my face. That’s the only way I’ll pick up the blue stick for Queen and Country.”

Jiles was then asked the chances of Conor Fuse actually showing up to challenge him. The COOLYMPIAN responded, 

“Since Comet is still a little pup playing comically childish games, and clearly not a man, let’s just say I don’t think I’ll be seeing or hearing from him any time soon. That’s okay, too. He can go back inside his cage where he belongs, and chew on someone else’s shoe. Amazingly enough, I have smaller fish to fry.”

More on this as it develops.

 

Other notes:

-In lieu of the super mega TURMOIL qualifier matchup on ReVival 30 between Cancer Jiles and Resin, and his repeated attempts on Richard Parker’s life, Chris Chickentenders has been placed on administrative leave.

-Lee Best is rumored to have offered Cancer Jiles a million dollars to save the PWA 2 Main Event.

-Doozer will not be returning to the ring. He will however be holding doors open and carrying around things. If you see luggage moving on its own, don’t fret, it’s just Dooze.

-The HOW invasion of PRIME was originally going to feature Brian Hollywood in the lead role of  mentoring Tyler Adrian Best. Thankfully for young Tabby’s sake, Cecilworth was coaxed out of retirement.

-Abe Lipshitz was seen standing outside the airport holding a cardboard sign which read, “WILL SUCK DICK FOR OXY.” No word yet on how his jaw is doing.