Comrades! Once more into the fray! The work of good communists all over the world is never over!
We move, once more, into another flashpoint in the perpetual war against the devious forces of capitalism! Those nay-sayers who dare to stand in front of the glorious Red Army! Those pieces of filth who will do little more than crash upon the stalwart defenders of workers world-wide!
Truly a comforting thought, is it not?
In this edition of Think Red, we will not only talk about my near-perfect predictions for ReVival 29, but also yet another brazen attempt to impeded the inevitable Universal Title reign of Ivan Stanislav, the foolish attempts to thwart free speech, a special loving message for Jonathan-Christopher Hall, and of course recognition of how fortunate we all are to have the timeless, the unstoppable, the indefatigable Ivan Stanislav defending us to the end!
Tropical Turmoil Tournament- AKA The Trivial Trammel of Troy!
We all see the Tropical Turmoil Tournament for what it is: a vain attempt to stop Ivan Stanislav from achieving absolute victory and bringing The Universal Title to its rightful owner. This appears to be the modus operandi for PWA federations as a whole, for shouldn’t Ivan Stanislav also be the HOW World Champion for defeating Christopher America?
Rather than get into THAT kettle of fish, however, the facts stand simply: Ivan Stanislav should, unequivocally, be given a direct title shot against whoever is the Universal Champion, and yet more hoops, more obstructions, and more foolishness is put in his way.
So be it.
The Tropical Turmoil Tournament is little more than simple bloodletting before Praporshchik Stanislav beats whatever fool is stupid enough to hold the title in his stead. But we can all see it for what it is: Ivan Stanislav would have easily defeated Hayes Hanlon or Rezin, one on one, for the title at Culture Shock. Instead a sham three-way match was constructed. And now, a tournament is placed in front of us, one of which Stanislav will undoubtedly advance to the finals, in which six competitors battle at once.
There are few contests in professional wrestling where Ivan Stanislav is at a disadvantage, but even I am willing to concede to the truth. In his great and illustrious career, Praporschik Stanislav is at a disadvantage in matches with multiple, simultaneous opponents. It is simply the law of the cowards. They band together against a superior threat.
We saw it happen at the Battle Royal, did we not? When ten ants ganged up against one mighty competitor to knock Ivan over the top rope. Those ants included the number one contender and our current Universal Champion: Brandon Youngblood. So much for Youngblood being brave enough to stand toe to toe with The Russian Bear. Hah!
We welcome any challenge! If Lindsay Troy wants to try to “even the odds” by placing a tournament in our way, so be it. Even if Ivan Stanislav’s record is not as great against battle royal types of matches, we will not back down. We will not be thwarted. We shall be victorious!
A Heartfelt Message to the Tropical Turmoil Tournament Competitors
Dear Tropical Turmoil Tournament Competitors,
I know that you all want to be Universal Champion. I know that you all think you might have a shot at the title. I know that on most nights, you are probably laying your little heads down and dreaming about having that belt around your waist.
But let us be realistic: Ivan Stanislav is going to win. He’s going to destroy every human being who gets in the ring with him. And if any of you are foolish enough to think you can actually hold him down on the mat for three seconds, you’ll also suffer a terrible fate.
No one has been able to hold his shoulders to the mat for three seconds, yet, since his return. And don’t give me that “Hayes Halon did it” bullshit. We all know that was a farce. It was a fast count. Lightning fast. Bolamba nearly broke the sound barrier with that count. It was, at max, .75 seconds. So accept defeat. It’s better for everyone.
And I have a very, very special message for our first sacrificial lamb: Jonathan-Christopher Hall and his screech-owl Vickie:
We will not be rebuked from our ultimate goal. There is no force on Earth, be it hate, or love, that will stop us. Have you seen what we did to Nova? Have you seen what we did to an entire arena? Just think what we will do to you.
The entire Red Army will be ready to pound you and anyone else into oblivion, should you dare get in our way.
Enjoy your night off at ReVival 30.
And Vickie- If you want to voice some “retraction” to this article, do so at your own peril.
The Attack on Free Speech
We all saw it. Ivan Stanislav asked for an interviewer at ReVival 28 and none was given. Excuses like ‘unsafe working conditions’ and ‘threatening females’ have been bandied about. Sinister forces will always latch onto any excuse in a vain attempt to protect themselves. And then, Jared Sykes crashed Ivan’s allotted time to mouth off at him?! Where is the outrage? Where is the frustration from the masses? It would almost seem that it is well and good to just insert oneself wherever one wishes. Very well.
Lindsay Troy has agreed to a meeting with Praporshchik Stanislav at ReVival 29. Why, she has even offered to find Ivan himself, rather than require us to hunt her down. This reeks of an admission of guilt, does it not? There is no reason to deny Ivan Stanislav an interviewer. No reason that he would not have someone to ask him the tough questions and serve as a mouthpiece for spreading our utopian ideals.
This attack will end, or else we will take matters into our own hands, as we are wont to do! People are tripping over themselves wishing to even be in Ivan Stanislav’s presence, let alone asking him questions!
ReVival 29 Predictions
Below are my predictions for ReVival 29. If you don’t like them? Piss off!!
KENNY FREEMAN VS. JACK OWYNS
The newest member of The Red Army, Kenny Freeman, will positively wipe the mat with Jack Owyns. Why, Lindsay Troy doesn’t even have to thank us for cleaning it of the filth! I have full confidence in Comrade Kenny!
You had better win.
FLAMBERGE VS. HOYT WILLIAMS
I put more stock in an international competitor, rather than a spiritual one. FLAMBERGE, you should pay attention to The Red Army and see what you missed. Enjoy your friends at the Glue Factory. We do appreciate the industrial name. But the offer always stands. FLAMBERGE wins this match against Duke’s son.
KOHIME MORI VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT
Beyond Ivan Stanislav, I have to say that Arthur Pleasant has to be one of the best acquisitions in PRIME in the last year. He is friendly, he gets along well with those who deserve it, and is scintillating to watch in the ring. Did you know he also gives fantastic interviews for reputable publications as well? I give Pleasant the win here because he’s such a fine human being.
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: PAXTON RAY VS. CHANDLER TSONDA
This may sound petty, but I cannot stand Chandler Tsonda. You know, this moron entered into the Culture Shock Battle Royal after Ivan Stanislav. You know, the Ivan Stanislav who was supposed to have the last entry into the match itself? And then what does he do? This “timeless” child stinks up the joint every time he gets on camera. Paxton Ray, do us all a favor and turn that pretty face of his as ugly as can be. Or don’t. Ivan would love to get his hands around his scrawny neck. It’s a win/win.
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: ABSOLUATELY WORTHELESS FAUX COMMUNIST
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR VS. THE ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING JARED SYKES
I would normally say that I would prefer the ring to open up and swallow both competitors whole, but the last time I did that Jake Colton had to have his heart medication dose doubled because he thought I was being serious. So I’ll just say that both of these competitors are pieces of garbage, and neither deserve to even be in a wrestling ring. I hope they both break their ankles on the outside and are counted out. Just put us out of our misery.
ALIAS TITLE MATCH: C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES (C) VS. ROCKY DE LEON
Why does Mortimer keep winning? Did you know that Ivan Stanislav not only threw him through a wall, but also soundly defeated him at Ultraviolence 2022? I would have expected that beating to have weakened him, but I am now thinking that such a thrashing has actually toughened the man. So I’m going to go with Mortimer winning because Ivan Stanislav made him into a true competitor. Morty- You can thank Ivan Stanislav for demolishing you and making you into a champion at any time.
FIVE STAR TITLE MATCH: CORAL AVALON (C) VS. SAGE PONTIFF
Does anyone else think that it is borderline criminal that Coral Avalon is holding a title? I know that I do. It’s a well-known fact that the more time that Coral Avalon has on the screen, the worse the PRIME product is. It’s well documented that he’s an idiot. I mean, he literally tried to wrestle Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav. He lost. Talk about bad decision making. Sage wins because he’s not a complete, absolute, unequivocally inept moron who is doomed with making horrible, ridiculous, stupid decisions at all times.
And so this latest edition of Think Red comes to a close. So much is happening so quickly, it can be hard to keep track of it all.
Sometimes, it’s better not to try to keep track of it. I would suggest you just read my articles to get the most up-to-date analysis and information.
As a matter of fact, I encourage you all to sign up for a special newsletter that we will be sending out, privately, to all Think Red members! Just mail a postcard with your name, address, social security number, phone number, and social security numbers of any and all friends and family you have to the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the rest.
So, comrades, Think about how Lindsay Troy will grovel for forgiveness in front of Ivan Stanislav at ReVival 29. Think about how glorious Ivan Stanislav will be when he ultimately wins the Universal Title! Think about the growing Red Army and how we fight for all that is good in the world. But regardless of what you think about, dear friends, always, always Think Red!