RUMOR MILLS: MAY 31ST EDITION

• • From the latest Scandal Sheet:

“We’ve found another clue about Nate Colton’s squeeze! Thanks to an offhanded comment by his father on Jabber, we know her first name is ‘Josie.’ My spying eyes will be scouring the city for more information–last name, occupation, measurements–and as soon as we find those sweet deets, you’ll see them here on the Sheet!”

In related news, PRIME CEO Lindsay Troy has become increasingly frustrated with the Next Diamond’s behavior as of late. Apparently his habit of blowing off meetings has reached the point where Alexa Van Horn, ACE Network’s Vice Director of Marketing and Public Relations, has been calling Troy on an almost daily basis. Unconfirmed reports say that Lindsay Troy’s reaction was, “I’m about to make this Colton’s problem again. I don’t have time for this.”

• • FLAMBERGE totally eats bugs now.

 

• • Now that Joe Bergman is done with HOW, could he be on his way to Friday’s ReVival 29 show to hype his final match at the PWA 2 show against Sage Pontiff?

 

• • Ahead of his bout at ReVival 29 against Jack Owyns, Kenny Freeman has reportedly become the center of an advertising frenzy for Russian fast food chain Burger Czar.

Rumor has it the Master of the Moscowverse is in the process of signing an endorsement meal with the fledgling company, because much like the Burger Czar, Kenny Freeman knows where the burgers are.

Get your hot and fresh Quarter Pooder with Cheese, fizzy water, and vodka shake all in one glorious place. Your capitalist contribution WILL serve the greater communist purpose.

Bada bah bah bah, WE’RE loving it, comrade.

 

• • Earlier this week, an unknown man who simply went by “Chet” showed up to the hotel where The Love Convoy were staying with a trenchcoat on… and well… you can see where this is going I am sure.

After Darin Zion answered the door and Chet yelled “I’m here for the Love Convoy!” He removed his trenchcoat to reveal a sensible business casual ensemble. He and Zion had a very nice chat and the group shook his hand. Then they all took in die fledermaus at a local opera house.

After a wonderful evening, Chet took his leave as a gentleman.

Well, that’s the rumor anyhow.

 

• • After having been on the sidelines for significant time, there are reports that Dr. Ned Reform is seeking help from the scientific community to help rebuild his broken freakin’ groin.

One such argument has been a total groin transplant which would see him undergo an experimental procedure that would replace his groin with the groin of a gorilla.

Still, some feel like this is an unfair advantage, while others see it as an abomination against God. Ned has been said to have been “despondent” since the injury occurred and willing to try almost anything to get his groin back on the up and up.

Hey, they can’t all be winners folks.

 

• • Rocky De Leon has popped up as a possible candidate for High Times Man of The Year after his recent clear forays into the magical abyss of drug induced storytelling.

Still, some believe that he should be disqualified as there is a rumor that he has never been on drugs and the stories he fabricates are just plain and simple absurdity from the brain of a maturity stunted orangutan.

However, others believe that makes it even more impressive. Either way, this rumor is sure to be one that will be difficult to prove.

 

• • Glue Factory Financier Cecilworth Farthington was reportedly irate at Glue HQ last week when fifty inflatable unicorns arrived unannounced, an unnamed source told his girl friend, who told her hairdresser, who told their dog groomer, who told me.

Hank has not returned our request for comment.

 

• • Sources say Sid Phillips is no longer interested in powerbombs.

 

• • Rumors that Coral Avalon’s representation have received another digit of Chandler Tsonda’s phone number are currently unsubstantiated, and frankly, the only one who probably cares are Avalon’s representation, Tsonda’s representation, and Gary for some reason.

 

• • Sid Phillips made a special gest appearance at the annual Summer Games Done Quick charity marathon, showing off a speedrun of powerbombing hilarious caricatures of his opponents at PWA-02, Surf Express Bro, Dan Ryan, and Jatt Starr. He set a new world record, so give it up for Sid! Whoo!

 

• • Joe Fontaine has not decided who he plans to main in Street Fighter 6 yet. The heavy decision is allegedly more difficult for him than whether or not he should re-sign for PRIME.

 

• • Sources say Sid Phillips has just powerbombed the source of the rumor that he is uninterested in powerbombs.

 

• • Gray’s Wrestling Academy may be under hot water after a recent injury during the Battle for Gray’s Tournament. New student Kenny Truong suffered a broken leg during a tournament match against Paxton Ray, and according to sources close to the situation, his family is pursuing legal action for excessive injuries. We reached out to Gray’s attorney Chet Fleetwood of Fleetwood, Fleetwood, Harper and Fleetwood for comment: “We cannot comment on pending litigation until we hear more details.” And then: “Wait…you guys work for PRIME? Hey, tell your boss she still owes me 4.7 million dollars in damages for my hand injury. I still can’t hold a pen with my left hand, and even though technically I’m right-handed, I was training to be ambidextrous and she ruined that journey for me.”

 

• • Adam Ellis and Ginny Van Lear for Duck Commander Camo?

After the shotgun incident, the bearded brethren of Duck Commander fame are rumored to be linked to a new camouflage pattern inspired by Adam Ellis and his main squeeze.

No word yet if this is true, or if Ellis is religious as the conservative commanders have caused commotion concordant with commercial comeuppance. But he does kinda have a beard that could pass for a member of the Amish mafia.

 

• • Not one to be outdone, there is a rumor that TAL is jealous of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino’s late life fatherhood and is planning to add to the brood late into his 40’s.

While this is just a rumor, one can’t help but wonder what is going through the mind of the aging star as he sees his Italian contemporaries hedging their bets so late in life.

Heaven help us if Joe Pesci pops out a kid and inspires Tony Gamble, though.

 

• • “He went to Jared” is a phrase many women love to hear, but rumor has it that The Bad Dog’s search history showed he has been having a little trouble navigating just which Jared online.

Was it Jared Sykes?

Jared Padalecki?

Jared Allen?

Jared Goff?

Jared Fogle?

If the source, who chose to remain nameless to prevent imminent ass kickery, is to be believed, the Jared in question is Jared Leto.

I guess Wade is just a big 30 Seconds to Mars fan?

 

• • There is a rumor from the set of Law and Order SVU that Detective Fin Tutuola “accidentally” hits Hoyt Williams’ head on the way into the squad car while telling the star to “watch his head.”

Apparently God is an Ice T fan because no smiting occurred.

 

• • Upset with his most recent loss, Tony Gamble was seen sulking in a corner table at Club Vinyl into the wee hours of the night. Clearly drunk after a few glasses of Amaretto sours, it is said that he headbutted one of the bouncers in the groin for asking him to stop screaming “Abe’s not a babe!” everytime someone walked past his table.

No charges were filed, but he was escorted out by two other bouncers while the victim of the ‘head’ butt iced his jewels.