GODDAMMIT, CHILDREN, GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS

We interrupted PRIME President Lindsay Troy’s pool time to ask her for comment on the flurry of news posts the last 24ish hours and whether or not an Aerial Kickboxing match between her Group of Death teammates Mike Best and Cecilworth Farthington will take place at ReVival 31.

The Queen sighed loudly on the other end of the line and said, “Fine. Whatever. Now go away.”

Then the line went dead, but not before the wings of a hundred murder owls could be heard flapping in the distance.