Bang! Pro Wrestling Presents Bang! In Mexico: Bang! Marry Kill, Night 2!

We’re still in Mexico City, and it still remains a great place to Bang! Can this beautiful high-elevation city truly handle a second night of Bang!? We’ll find out this afternoon! 

JUNE 10^th, 2023: BANG! IN MEXICO: BANG! MARRY KILL SUPERSHOW IN MEXICO CITY, DAY 2

• The Bang! All Day Ranbo: Pom Shinjoku wins the Bang! All Day Ranbo, last eliminating Joe Fontaine and “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara
  • Participants: Aardvark Mask Jr. ©, Michael Hentai, Matthew Hentai, the Big Blue Bug, Seiko Serizawa, HAMAYUMI, Bracken Krueger, Daryn Thompson, “Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama, EIJI, Junpei Tsukioka, Pom Shinjoku, Maurice the Murder Mime, Strong Antonio the Paperboy, a mysterious birdman, Joe Fontaine, Sid Phillips, “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara, Bex Savage, Angel Quinley
• “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa & “Giant Tekkai” Bando Ichikawa def. The Monster Menagerie (Lord Kurosame-sama & “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya) @ 8:09 by pinfall after the choke bomb to Kochiya from Bando
• Bang! Conception Championship: “Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi © def. Curtis Alexander Brown @ 20:09 by pinfall after the Iron Sight (Kamigoye)
• “The Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa & MAGNUS DESTRUCTO and KAPPA & MAGUS go to a no contest after both teams fight backstage and get counted out; match never actually starts despite this being 12:55 of action
• No Laughing Matter (Frank Pastore & Domingo Cruz) def. Intelligent Design (“Stunning” Sam Smart & “Thick Walls” Wally Wallace) @ 14:55 by pinfall after the Deuce Dime (package piledriver) from Cruz to Wallace
• Bang! With Your Friends Championship: The Crownless Kingdom (Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar & “Lunch Lawyer” Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.) © def. Los Cangrejos (Rey Cangrejo & El Cangrejo Asombroso) & Victor “the Constrictor” Jimenez @ 19:35 by pinfall after the Twin Helix (phoenix splash) from Ignacio to Rey Cangrejo
• Bang! Openweight Championship: Claire Merci © def. “The Devil of Delaware” Duke Easton @ 20:19 by pinfall after a straight knee

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bang! All Day Championship has been found! Apparently, it was in the hands of the Aardvarks this whole time. Who knew?

Yay!

Aardvark Mask Jr., the current holder of the belt, agreed to travel to Mexico in order to defend his championship. But not just in any match! For the first time since the belt’s inception, we’re doing it in a Ranbo! Aardvark Mask Jr. started the proceedings as the champion, and he was joined by Daryn Thompson from No Quarter! After some back-and-forth, HAMAYUMI of the Beasts of Tokyo came out. Then things got dire for Thompson and Aardvark Mask Jr., because Seiko Serizawa was after that. Double-teams ensued! Things didn’t get any better when the next participant was Maurice the Murder Mime, and that’s mainly because he was ejected very quickly by the Beasts! He mimed being trapped in a box being attacked by a man with a hatchet all the way to the back.

The Beasts continued their dominance when Michael of the Fabulous Hentai Brothers was swiftly thrown out by the Beasts, but things took a turn when Sid Phillips – one half of the Winds of Change – arrived and started handing out powerbombs like they were brochures to his TED Talk about how great powerbombs are! After powerbombing HAMAYUMI out onto the apron, Phillips then powerbombed Serizawa into her to eliminate both Beasts!

Thompson and Aardvark Mask Jr. teamed up to try and get rid of Phillips, but then Joe Fontaine came out next to make life hell for the remaining participants. But then, Thompson received a massive amount of backup from her massive tag team partner, Bracken Krueger! Krueger and Phillips went at it in an awkward fashion, in that Phillips kept trying to do a powerbomb to Krueger, who would have none of it! Eventually, Phillips did get Krueger up in the powerbomb after Fontaine broke away from Thompson long enough to clip the big man’s knee, but the sheer weight caused both Phillips and Krueger to fall over the top rope and to the floor, eliminating both of them!

Fontaine’s fortunes didn’t get better, as the next participant was Bex Savage, who immediately blasted him with a Bakebrainer hard enough to send him out of the ring through the ropes! Savage and Thompson went at it, with Aardvark Mask Jr. joining in to take both of them down, but the next participant came down… and it was Strong Antonio the Paperboy!

And he was riding the Homicycle!

Don’t ask me how he got it from Rory Hayes, my brain hurts enough thinking about it.

After riding to the ring, he threw rolled up Sunday newspapers (a day early, mind you) at everyone in the ring! Then he delivered an airplane spin to Aardvark Mask Jr., for good measure! And then, he wasn’t done, because he then took Junpei Tsukioka for a ride with a giant swing the moment he entered the match! But all of that spinning left Antonio very dizzy, and Thompson quickly threw him out!

Fans weren’t happy about that one, because everybody loves Strong Antonio.

EIJI of DESTROY IT ALL came into the ring and started chucking fools like crazy. Daryn Thompson? Chucked. Aardark Mask Jr.? Chucked. Junpei Tsukioka? Not chucked. He’s an ally. Mind you, he didn’t actually chuck anyone out of the match, he just threw them to the ground a bunch. Someone that he did throw out was Matthew of the Fabulous Hentai Brothers, who was promptly lariated, Oblivion Sickled, and thrown out like garbage.

Things got even worse for everyone in the match when the next participant turned out to be “Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama, thus unleashing the full might of DESTROY IT ALL (minus Sakuragi, of course) into the match! The three of them ran roughshod over the other participants in the match, culminating in the elimination of Daryn Thompson. Bex Savage made a go of it, and it looked like she might eliminate Tsukioka… but EIJI bulldozed her out of the ring and out of the match!

Joe Fontaine and Aardvark Mask Jr. put aside all of their differences in the ongoing war between aardvark and moron to fight back against DIA, but it wasn’t until a mysterious birdman literally flew in from out of nowhere that DIA had trouble! The birdman handed out Mystery Bird Drivers to Kuwayama and Tsukioka, and when it came to big EIJI, the birdman threw him out of the ring! Sensing that the birdman might be a huge threat, though, Fontaine and Aardvark Mask Jr. quickly snuck up on him and lifted him over the top rope and to the floor!

Aardvark Mask Jr. celebrated getting rid of the birdman, but his celebration was short-lived when Fontaine turned on him and threw him out of the ring! Which meant that we will have a new Bang! All Day Champion!

Of course, Fontaine turned to see two very pissed off members of DESTROY IT ALL, so he high tails it out of the ring, sliding underneath the ropes. Tsukioka and Kuwayama chased and cornered him when an extremely pissed off Pom Shinjoku, fresh off of a heartbreaking loss in last night’s main event, came in armed with a kendo stick and a surly demeanor! All three men were beaten half to death with the kendo stick, and when the Big Blue Bug entered the fray next, he was also beaten a lot with the stick.

Angel Quinley was the second-to-last entrant, and she made a beeline for Joe Fontaine, hammering him with a speed blitz that left him wobbly. She hit Kuwayama with a pair of Tony Jaa-style knees, and then eliminated Tsukioka by low-bridging him when he tried to charge in on her! That left only five people in the ring for the match’s final participant: none other than the Ace of Diamonds himself, “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara!

The Bruiser from Shibuya and finalist of last year’s TC-X made an immediate impact by dropping the Big Blue Bug with the Diamond Cutter before throwing him out of the ring! He got into it with Fontaine, Shinjoku, and Quinley before eliminating Kuwayama with a clothesline to leave a final four of Daisuke, Fontaine, Quinley, and Shinjoku!

Quinley quickly does what she does and went flying all over the place with abandon that’s certainly reckless! Maybe even suicidal! But her attempt to land the Eternal Sunrise on Joe Fontaine ended with her taking the Diamond Cutter from Hashiwara, and she’s thrown out by Shinjoku! Hashiwara easily tossed Fontaine over the top rope, only for Fontaine to land on his feet! He grabbed Hashiwara and pulled him over the top rope, trying to get him out, but forgot that the cagey Shinjoku was still in the ring! With a running start, she shoved both men off of the apron and to the floor… giving her the victory and the title!

It’s Pom Shinjoku’s first championship in Bang! Pro Wrestling, and it certainly fit the Kazuyagumi aesthetic to take the championship that could be defended anywhere, at any time!

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The next match was the Ichikawa brothers, Gorou and Bando, taking on the Monster Menagerie’s Lord Kurosame-sama and “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya. The match, a quick sprint, was never really in doubt despite the attempts by Lord Kurosame-sama to finesse his way into a victory. Once he had to tag in Komiya, the brothers beat the young lion from pillar to post, ending with a Peacemaker from Gorou and then the choke bomb from Bando to pick up the win!

After the match, Taka Sakuragi sauntered to the ring. After mocking Gorou for losing the title that formed a major part of “Big Iron’s” identity over the last two years, he made a challenge to Ichikawa in order to raise the stakes: DESTROY IT ALL and the Ironhearts will meet in the Celestial Dragon Tag League next month, and if the team of Bando Ichikawa and Riko Tsukino manage to defeat Ichiro Kuwayama and EIJI, then he will grant Gorou a shot at the Conception championship at the Infinite Anniversary show on August 8^th!

Of course, while Ichikawa accepts this challenge, he wryly notes to Sakuragi that he still has to actually make it to the anniversary show – because an Ironheart is challenging him for the title right now!

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That heralded the arrival of Curtis Alexander Brown, who joined the Ironhearts last month right before Gorou Ichikawa’s big match with Claire Merci. The Conception title match was going to start right now. Brown immediately teed off on Sakuragi, utilizing his agility and natural athleticism to harass the DESTROY IT ALL mastermind. Sakuragi could barely keep his feet under him early in the match until he was forced to cheat, raking the third-generation star’s eyes and then throwing him from the ring.

Once outside of the ring, Sakuragi was more in his comfort zone, and he battered Brown against the guardrails with his arsenal of heart-stopping kicks. Back inside the ring, Sakuragi’s assault continued, and Brown looked like he was in bad shape after several minutes of this. However, he turned things around with the surprise of his uncle’s Magnum Fang cutter! Brown started to feel himself after that one, the adrenaline causing him to spring to life with dancer-like movements that completely confounded Sakuragi! His strange movements included a Pele kick, a few capoeira-style handstanding kicks, and even his own version of a spinning heel kick with an extra twist! We hadn’t ever seen Brown utilize such moves before even in BRAZEN!

However, his attempts to finish things with the Killer Magnum proved to be his downfall, as Sakuragi turned it into a vicious DDT that stood Brown up on his head! A buzzsaw kick led into the Iron Sight, and Sakuragi remained the Conception champion!

*.*

Have you ever, like, wanted to see four bruisers just fight it out because they could?

Well, that’s what happened when Akira Hanazawa decided that he liked the cut of MAGNUS DESTRUCTO’s jib and agreed to team with him to take on KAPPA and MAGUS! It was chaos, folks! And we’re not talking like the normal sorts of chaos that goes on in Bang! Pro Wrestling! We’re talking the kind that sends audience members fleeing for their very lives because no one in this match has any regard whatsoever for your miserable lives!

Folks, I won’t lie to you. This brawl practically never enters the ring. The ring was just set dressing for the chaos. The moment KAPPA and MAGUS made their entrance, Hanazawa and DESTRUCTO left the ring to immediately start fighting. Destruction waits for no one!

The tonesetter was when KAPPA threw Hanazawa – by no means a small man considering the things he has done to people in Bang! Pro Wrestling in the past – into the crowd with a military press slam! Naturally, people had to get the hell out of the way before an angry 280 pound Japanese man was thrown at them! The fight began before either team could even enter the ring, and continued throughout the arena! At one point, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO trapped MAGUS within an inner tube and commenced a lot of destruction! It’s one of those inner tubes with a unicorn on one end, too, so you know that the destruction is of the fae!

The “match”, if you could call it that, eventually ended in a double disqualification when both teams simply brawled out of the ringside area and weren’t seen again. For all we know, they’re still brawling even now!

*.*

Last month, the bruiser pair of Frank Pastore and Domingo Cruz ran into a roadblock in their quest for tag team supremacy, losing the Bang! With Your Partners title match along with No Quarter and Intelligent Design. Tonight, they sought to seek a measure of revenge on their way back up to another title shot, as they took on Smart and Wallace in tag team action!

Pastore dominated quickly with his size, tossing around Smart and Wallace until the pair are finally able to double-team him. That just brought Cruz in, and the rookie team was forced to bail early. Back in, Cruz and Smart went at it for a time until Smart was able to turn the tables on him with a cutter. Eventually, though, Cruz tagged in Pastore and the big man wrecked shop again. However, Wallace stopped him cold with a Meteora off of the top rope called the Great Walls, and that nearly took the match for the Design before Cruz made the save!

After a scramble, Cruz went low on Wallace behind the back of referee “Hot Pants” Shiraishi before landing the Deuce Dime to pick up the win for his team!

No Laughing Matter remains unbeaten in straight tag action in Bang! Pro Wrestling, and they look to be a serious threat heading into the CDTL next month. Meanwhile, Intelligent Design remains an unproven, volatile team with significant peaks and valleys that might prove too much to overcome in the CDTL – but they’re also becoming more and more entertaining to watch as they improve!

*.*

The Crownless Kingdom trio of Powerslam Anubis, Ignacio el Jaguar, and Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. had a tall order ahead of them – they had to beat the popular Los Cangrejos team and the unexpected menace of Victor “the Constrictor” Jimenez, who’s still a member of the Kazuyagumi and definitely still holds a grudge on the three over taking the Bang! With Your Friends championships from him in the first place!

Jimenez went right to work on Ignacio early in the contest, as the most inexperienced member of the Kingdom who has little background in submissions. Once Ignacio was able to make the tag to Lord Yum, the match became more even as Yum was more than capable of matching Jimenez hold-for-hold. This lasted until Jimenez could tag out to the much bigger of the two Cangrejos, Rey Cangrejo, who threw Yum around like he was a sack of garbage for the better part of two minutes.

Powerslam Anubis came in after one such throw, and matched Cangrejo’s power with some of his own. His presence eventually caused El Cangrejo Asombroso to enter the match in order to put a stop to the god’s momentum! A donnybrook broke out between the two teams, which was won by the Cangrejos and Jimenez! Then Rey Cangrejo delivered an assisted tope con hilo with El Cangrejo Asombroso to take out all three members of the Kingdom on the outside!

Back inside, the Cangrejos and Jimenez focused their attack on Jaguar, who was having trouble getting anything going in the match until he decided to embrace the rudo in him and catch Asombroso with a low blow behind the referee’s back! Mayhem ensued after Jaguar landed the Sacramento Necktie headlock driver on Asombroso, and this time it was the Kingdom that went on the offensive, with Anubis chucking Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. into a crowd of luchadors (and Jimenez, who is not one)! By the look of astonished bewilderment on Yum’s face after the move, it’s pretty clear that this wasn’t exactly anything drawn up in the Crownless Kingdom’s playbook!

A lot more mayhem and false finishes occurred, as the Kingdom and the luchadors (and Jimenez) traded sure-fire finishing moves and near-falls! Powerslam Anubis nailed Jimenez with the Scales of Dominion, but Rey Cangrejo looked like he might be the one to vanquish the great Powerslam Anubis off of the “Pinchy Pinchy!” nerve hold, only for Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. to stop him with great effort off of three stomps and then an eye gouge! Yum applied the Lord’s Lunchtime, only for Asombroso to come off of ropes with the Crab Rave elbow drop! But this left him vulnerable to the Twin Helix phoenix splash from Ignacio… for the three count!

*.*

After the match, as the Kingdom were celebrating, a well-dressed man with an attractive hairline entered the ring to join them. PRIME fans may know him as Lord Cecilworth Farthington. Farthington stood and waited for the three of them – specifically Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. – to notice him. After a long, confused pause, Farthington pulled out an entire copyright law book from seemingly out of nowhere and hurled it at Lord Yum’s head! He flew out of the ring as though shot by a cannon, and might have even bounced! Anubis and Ignacio simply stood there and let it happen, and spent more time looking down at Yum’s fallen body than they worried about Farthington’s unexpected presence.

Farthington wordlessly stepped back out of the ring and left as quickly and as suddenly as he arrived.

Quick question, are all British Lords able to teleport?

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The main event between Bang! Pro Wrestling’s Openweight champion, Claire Merci, and challenger Duke Easton, was a curious decision to make just one day after Merci also had to defend (and lose) the Bang! Hardweight Championship after a 240+ day reign. Easton, the “Devil of Delaware”, has only been in Bang! for a month. However, that didn’t mean he wasn’t up for the challenge of trying to dethrone the newly crowned Openweight champion!

Merci still harbored plenty of injuries from last night’s proceedings, and with it being less than 24 hours after the match, it meant that Easton was able to take advantage early in the match. It’s rare to see Claire on the back foot in many matches, but her disadvantages were more difficult for her to overcome than usual thanks to the wily Devil’s cunning and size advantage!

Easton fell victim quickly to Merci’s pace, though, as she took back advantage with her array of kicks. An attempt at the Royal Butterfly Suplex was blocked, but that just led her going right for the Royal Hanging Garden Stretch instead! Easton tried to get out of the hold while Merci went straight to joint manipulation to force him to the ground from the pain. In the end, Easton proved too powerful and broke out of the hold, turning it into a powerslam for a near fall!

Easton went for the East Rollercoaster, but Merci slipped out behind Easton and blasted him with a heel kick. Several more kicks followed, leading to a buzzsaw kick. However, the unnamed straight knee that defeated the Godslayer was blocked, and Easton nearly took the title when he landed the East Rollercoaster! However, Merci got her foot on the ropes, and the match had to continue!

In the end, Merci turned a second East Rollercoaster into the Hanging Garden Stretch, and when that didn’t work a second time, Merci used her power to bring Easton down with the Royal Butterfly Suplex, and then the straight knee put Easton’s lights out for the win!

*.*

After the match, as Claire Merci was celebrating her title win with the rest of the Crownless Kingdom (well, Anubis and Ignacio; Lord Yum being conspicuously absent due to law book-related injuries), the Openweight champion was confronted by Haruki Kazano, the Ace of Clubs, who’d been on hand at the event to help provide Japanese commentary.

Kazano, whose name is synonymous with the beginning of Bang! Pro Wrestling and its Openweight championship as a four-time Openweight champion and former TC-X winner, issued a challenge to Merci for the Openweight championship at the Infinite Anniversary in August. Merci reminded Kazano that he hadn’t actually done anything lately to deserve a shot at the title, because if every two-bit ex-champion wanted a piece just because they said so, she’d be having to get Yoshida out of his retirement home and into a hospital bed instead.

Kazano got in Merci’s face about that one, but the defiant queen of the Crownless Kingdom told him that if he wanted a shot at her title, she’ll be happy to give him the same existential crisis that led to Yoshida’s retirement just last month.

Thus, we seem to have our main event for the Infinite Anniversary show next month!

Can the first-ever Openweight Champion of Bang! Pro Wrestling overcome the most recent? We’ll find out in two months!

Karen Nakano
RingDispatch.com