Comrades! Once again we are here for another rousing edition of Think Red, which has been voted as the best publication for unbiased PRIME news!
What a whirlwind of a time we have had! ReVival 29! PWA-02! And now ReVival 30 is on the horizon. Not to mention Tropical Turmoil! Shall we dig in? Work with a shovel makes for good citizenry!
Jared Sykes- The Tenderized Fiance
No, this is not a typographical error. Jared Sykes isn’t tender. He’s tenderized. Hah! Yes, I know some of you with weak stomachs may have been rather shocked at the retribution doled out by Ivan Stanislav at ReVival 29, but we all knew it was coming. Ivan is a lot of thing, but he is also most certainly honest. He warned Jared, but the dolt still had to run his mouth, didn’t he? He still had to try to be cute. He had to interrupt Praporshchik Stanislav at ReVival 28. I hope Justine’s tears were worth it.
You know, there are so many detractors to The Red Army in PRIME and elsewhere and you are all idiots. Do you think that you won’t, at some time, eventually be on the receiving end of a Stanislav-sized beating? Do you think, somehow, that we might spare you out of the goodness of our hearts? Wreckers and counter-revolutionaries are purged. Take Jared Sykes as exhibit what? C? D? How many have we sent him to the infirmary now?
Listen up children. You can joke about Ivan Stanislav’s age all you want, but this cold warrior operates under a set of rules that most of you chickadee’s aren’t familiar with. You better wise up, or go the way of the dodo. (by dodo, I mean Jared Sykes. Hah!).
A Family Yeeting
Once again, this is not a typographical error. I did not mean to type “Family Meeting.” Why, I did not even mean to type “Family Beating.” No, what we saw at PWA-02 was nothing short of a “Family Yeeting” of the entire Colton family! How glorious! The cheers of the crowd in Mexico was deafening. We need not get into the dirty politics of Americans shunning and disrespecting their Mexican neighbors (as they do most non-Americans in the world in general). The people were so proud to watch the team of myself, Ivan Stanislav, Rezin, and Peach Backshots demolish those diaper-wearers in front of the world. Oh, and the bellyaching afterwards? Delicious. Better luck next time, Colton family!
The Farce that was The Main Event of PWA-02 Night 2
Let’s first call the main event of night two, in which Lindsay Troy defended Russia’s honor from those ruffians from HOW what it was: a farce. The match, as a whole, should not have even taken place. First of all, the flags were not correct and then we literally needed animal control for a certain period of time. Not to mention the blatant interference by Christopher America and the one-sided, ridiculous commentary at ringside. I encourage management of PWA-02 to restart the match at a later date, under the appropriately signed upon stipulations.
Lindsay Troy Did Everything Right!!
Lindsay Troy fought doggedly for the honor of Russia, despite what we will call the “flag-gate.” To quote Ivan Stanislav afterwards: “I would not have chosen anyone else to represent the great Russian Federation, outside of a Russian national, perhaps. Solex and America showed their true colors, yellow, in their conduct at PWA-02. I look forward to seeing what the coward America has in store for me at PWA-03, because no force on earth will stop me from smashing him to pieces.”
We want to personally thank Lindsay Troy for being so willing to help us in our endeavors. This entire collaboration has been nothing short of fluid from the get-go. Professionalism at the highest degree! We are in your debt and look forward to a harmonious relationship. You have gained so much of our personal respect, I can barely put it into words! Thank you, once more.
What is Hell is Wrong with Lindsay Troy??
This interviewer situation in PRIME is getting out of hand! No interviewer has the fortitude to stand next to Ivan Stanislav and ask difficult questions and Lindsay Troy has done nothing to break this logjam. What is wrong with her? I state this now: We will be looking for our own, impartial journalist to conduct interviews from here on out. If Lindsay Troy is going to be so intransigent that she isn’t even going to help us, so be it. We’ll go it alone! Anyone interested should notify me. Lindsay Troy, how dare you be so unprofessional and seek to impede our progress at every junction!
ReVival 30 Predictions
Here we are again. ReVival 30. The Tropical Turmoil Qualifiers! The Main Event between Ivan Stanislav and Jonathan-Christopher Hall! Members of the Glue… whatever and Mr. Angry-Man himself Brandon Youngblood and Lady Poor-Choice-in-Men Justine Calvin. Let’s get into it.
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: CANCER JILES VS. REZIN
We chose Rezin for a reason when we went up against the Colton Family. Far be it for us to abandon him in his time of need this evening. We’ll give it to Rezin.
BOBBY DEAN VS. DARIN ZION
Why did we let this fatass tub of lard Bobby Dean back into PRIME? Doughboy is over a foot shorter than Ivan and almost as heavy as him, and it’s not because of his muscle mass, that’s for sure. This dumb bowl of jelly has been lobbing insults our way for weeks. Bobby Dean, don’t think Ivan Stanislav can’t launch your corpulent carcass out of a wrestling ring. He did it to the sumo wrestler Kimbusa, and he was much bigger than you. I give this match to Darin Zion.
Zion already got yeeted at PWA-02 by Praporshchik Stanislav so he’s probably barely alive, but there’s no way I am going to bet on that waste of roster space Bobby Dean. Someone get a military-grade helicopter ready, because they’ll have to life flight this whale to the nearest zoological medical facility when Ivan is done with him. Somewhere where they can tend to hogs. I just can’t anymore. Bobby Dean, you better have those butter rolls hanging off your back keep an eye out before the Russian train comes through!!
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: NATE COLTON VS. NOVA
I really hate having to predict matches between two losers. I can’t imagine either Nate or Nova putting up much offense because Ivan beat the tar out of both of them. Nova has had more time to recover, I suppose? I’m going for Nova, just so pensioner Jake Colton can get all upset in his rocking chair. Have that bedpan handy.
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: HAYES HANLON VS. ADAM ELLIS
Do you know what’s worse than getting a title? Failing to defend it on the first try. You know what’s worse than that? Doing it twice in a row. Sounds like Hanlon has some performance issues. How many times are we going to give this loser a shot at a title just so he can cheat to win it and then lose it immediately after? Hasn’t he blown it enough? Do we really want to cheapen the Universal Title to such a degree? I give the win to Ellis. Not because I like him, but because Hanlon is such a piece of dead weight I just don’t want to imagine a world where he might get the title and waste our time all over again.
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON AND JOE FONTAINE VS. BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD AND JUSTINE CALVIN
You know, I would almost root for Youngblood and Calvin just so we don’t have to weather more “I’m-Brandon-Youngblood-and-I’m-so-angry-and-insecure-that-I-have-to-curse-every-other-word-to-show-you-how-angry-I-am” but I can’t short-change my instincts like that. Calvin has terrible decision making skills and Youngblood is an absolute embarrassment. Also, I have to say that Mr. Fontaine at least has great taste in publications, so he gets the nod. I cannot speak to Mr. Phillips in terms of cognizance.
Who knows, maybe Ivan and I will stop by just to see how the match progresses? Just be sure to check your ambulance tires. Hah!
Farthington and Fontaine for the win. I also like alliteration.
THE MAIN EVENT
TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: IVAN STANISLAV VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
If I am totally candid, I enjoy main events where there’s a question as to who the victor will be. I’m sorry that, in so many instances, there’s no question at all. Ivan Stanislav will be victorious. JCH does not have a chance in hell of victory, and his yammering dog-wife Vickie will be muzzled if I have anything to say about it.
JCH, I ask you to think about that leech you call a wife. Does she really care for you? If she did, she wouldn’t be pushing you to get into a match with The Russian Bear and so willingly allow you to be beat to within an inch of your life. Think about her when she’s screaming and shrieking at you. It’s awfully easy for that broken record to constantly boss you around. Isn’t it?
There’s still time, JCH. You can still no-show and save yourself the beating of a lifetime. But since your balls are in a jar on Vickie’s night-stand, I suppose you’ll trudge yourself out all the same. Your funeral.
The Winds of Change
Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips
Today, dear comrades, I have two very special guests: Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips, who collectively formed the Winds of Change until the last tag team championship team, Eminence, tanked the entire division.
Needless to say, these two athletes have found a new calling in life, if you will, as the landscape of PRIME has been changing.
A- Thank you both for your willingness to answer my questions. Tell me, Sid and Joe, how are you both doing?
J- Doing fantastical. Fantasticalier. The most fantastic.
A- I recall the first time I saw the two of you, when the greatest roster member in PRIME, Ivan Stanislav, was soundly thrashing Coral Avalon in the middle of the ring. You two watched the entire thing unfold. Reflecting on that match, do you have any thoughts?
J- I know Ivan’s a busy man with the whole smashing Jared Sykes and Justine Calvin thing – really big fan of that, by the way, please keep that up double-time – but he should’ve done it for longer.
S- With more powerbombs. I’m disappointed that Ivan does not do more powerbombs. It is truly the perfect technique.
A- You both were pretty close with Coral Avalon. I know folks want to know more as to ‘why’ you turned on him. I mean, I know he deserved it, but so many people have blinders on when it comes to the truth. Can you enlighten them?
J- I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?
(There is a very, very long pause here as Alexei waits patiently for Joe to elaborate. He does not.)
J- What? I thought Alexei said it well enough. He deserved it.
A- So you’ve aligned yourself with the Glue… Factory? Glueminati? I don’t even know what they call themselves. Why?
J- We’re just a bunch of cool guys doing cool things. Don’t really get the glue thing, I admit, I guess Cecilworth’s predecessor used to make glue? Still makes glue? It’s all pretty complicated and sticky and very, very adhesive. Doesn’t make it out of his manor, though, I don’t know what TAL was talking about there.
S- No one does.
J- Well, Alexels… if I can call you that…
J- …if it helps, “Glueminati” is a portmanteau of “glue” and “illuminati”, which I… think means we’re some sort of public-facing secret glue society?
A- How do both of you feel about the concept of the workers controlling the means of production?
J- That’s cool, I guess.
S- Teach the workers how to do powerbombs and they’ll seize more than the means of production. They will seize the true means of how to live as men and women and non-gender-specific beings.
A- How about the advantages of a planned economy vs. a market economy?
J- Oh, I think I read a pamphlet about that once. Probably forgot about it, though.
S- The only economy that matters is powerbombs, where workers understand that the true value of man is who delivers the powerbombs and who receives the powerbombs. Everything else is fluff. Everything else is chaos and despair and tragedy. Embrace the powerbomb. Become the powerbomb.
A- Stalin’s Leadership: Great? Or Greatest?
J- He’s okay, I guess.
S- His leadership is nothing before the true might of the powerbomb, his frail, broken body will lie limp as all of his attendants are powerless to help him out of fear that he will have them all sent into Siberian exile for interrupting his one, true salvation in this life.
J- Please stop.
S- …By powerbombs.
A- Joe- You have a match coming up with Mr. Farthington against Brandon Youngblood and Justine Calvin. Any thoughts on the match? Strategies?
J- I’m going to beat Justine Calvin within an inch of her life, such that she won’t be able to act snide on Jabber and pretend she has any friends again.
J- And Brandon Youngblood is there, too, I guess.
A- Are you worried about Brandon Youngblood sending out constant empty threats on Jabber? Because I know I am.
J- Not really.
J- Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it at all.
S- Not even a little.
J- Who even takes Jabber seriously, really?
S- I know I don’t.
A- How screwed is Jonathan-Christopher Hall this week when he has his match against Ivan Stanislav? You saw The Russian Bear up close and personal in the aforementioned match against Coral Avalon.
J- He’s probably going to die, to be honest.
S- Once Ivan truly embraces the glory of powerbombs and abandons all of the other fluff he does, then he will truly be the unstoppable force of nature that he is meant to be. He is imperfect as he is now. This is not a criticism of Ivan’s ability, though, JCH is definitely going to die and Vickie Hall will cry and everyone will be very happy about that.
A- How excited are you for Ivan Stanislav to be the next Universal Champion?
J- Oh, he’s getting a title shot? That’s news to me!
S- Congratulations to him.
A- Sid- Have you truly divorced yourself from powerbombs or is this just a rumor? And if not, Ivan can happily show you arguably the most devastating powerbomb in the business.
J- Holy shit, have you not been paying attention to anything Sid has been saying, Alexei? He’s the powerbomb man. I’m the smooth, cool guy. Not the COOL guy, with all capital letters, that’s the curtain jerker still calling himself a main eventer.
A- Honestly, I have been tuning him out for a while.
J- You know what, that’s fair.
S- …I’m right here, you guys.
A- Any closing thoughts, gentlemen?
J- Purchase adhesives.
S- No, you fucked it up.
J- I did?
S- Yes. It’s “buy glue”.
J- That’s what I said, though.
S- …We’re done here.
(Editor’s Note: We do not believe in selling most anything. Market economies are doomed to fail. So please, do not buy glue. Share it with your fellow comrades)
I would like to thank the Winds of Change for that Glue-mminating interview. We are all different people now, because of it.
Tropical Turmoil is upon us, Comrades! And with it will come the victory of Ivan Stanislav against the other fools who stupidly think they can challenge for the Universal Title. I can’t recall any other matches on the card, but does it matter?
No retreat. No surrender. The Red Army marches on! It is a wonderful thought, is it not? Think about how Ivan Stanislav has changed the landscape of this profession! Think about the glorious future he shall pave for us all! And always, dear comrades, always Think Red!