Cracking News

The shot opens on the new lead anchor for Cracking News, Christopher Chickentenders. He’s wearing a black suit, his hair is combed, and his smile is wide.

Tender Chris: Sup, butt-munchers. Welcome to a very special edition of… Cracking News! I’d say “allow me to introduce myself”, but a total chad like me needs no introduction. For tonight, however, you can refer to me as Tender Chris. It’s the name I gave myself after going inside when I was sur de la frontera. 

Cue the applause.

Tender Chris: Yes, life inside a Mexican jail has changed me. I’m hard now. Too hard, some would say. I’m hard like, all day long. SO hard that I have to soften myself for the good of the outside world. Which is why tonight, you are all seeing the TENDER side of “Cool” Chris Chickentenders.

Better that than his backside some would say.

Wait.

They are the same?

Tender Chris: But anyway, I’d like to thank you all for joining me tonight as I host an intimate sit down between two former UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONS who, just like me, need no introduction. Well, one of them sure doesn’t. 

The shot pans out revealing KING CRUMB, Cancer Jiles, seated to Chris’ left. He sits upon a regal-looking plush white throne. His hair is majestic, like the horn of a unicorn. The same goes for his T-Shades. 

Cancer Jiles: Thanks for having me, Chris. Congrats on the cherry pop.

Tender Chris: I don’t drink soda.

Cancer Jiles: Forget it.

Tender Chris: …and the customary sacrificial crumb being paid in tribute to his ultra-divine COOLness at ReVival 30… Resin.

Seated to the host’s right, in a plain metal folding chair, pensively glowering at the primping eighteen-year-old wannabe casanova.

Rezin: (grumbling) Thanks, Chris… why again did I agree to do this?

Tender Chris: Let’s get right to it! Gentlemen, my first question is for the both of you. Recently you both suffered defeat at the Phoenix Wrestling Alliance second super show aptly titled, PWA 2. Do you think the outcome there will factor into the outcome of your curtain jerking bout at ReVival 30?

Rezin: …wait, WHAT?! The hell ya babblin’ about kid? My team WON, dumbass!

Tender Chris: I mean, considering Ivan Stainslob got the pin, isn’t that technically a loss for everyone?

Rezin: Ugh… I knew I shoulda never agreed to…

Tender Chris: What? For this?

Rezin: Well, yes this too, but I meant the match. Oh well, I ain’t sweatin’ it. I cut my teeth for years in this industry jerkin’ the curtains. It made me stronger and wiser, while keepin’ me humble. In my mind, better to open the show, where I can be the guy that sets the tone, rather than some stroke-happy egomaniac livin’ under the delusion he belongs at the top.

The Escape Artist pointedly looks across to Jiles.

Cancer Jiles: So says the motivated, driven, determined, homeless drug addict. Such a role model you are. I can’t believe you were ever a UNIVERSAL Champion. Like, fuck make it make sense.

Rezin: Easy. I beat the guy who beat you.

The set gets so quiet you can actually hear the ball of dust rolling across the ground.

Tender Chris: NEXT QUESTION. What are some of the other factors surrounding your inability to win a meaningful match outside of you being a washed up hack? Sorry, that question was for Rezin.

Rezin rolls his eyes.

Rezin: It’s cool, I think I can answer for the both of us. In my case, there’s prolly a plethora of influences keepin’ me from flyin’ at max altitude. An elaborate conspiracy concocted by Lindsay Troy and the ACE Network is definitely one of ’em. Taco Bell is definitely another. But the big one, Tender Chris? Bein’ in the big, important matches is uncharted territory for me. I ain’t really grasped the concept of “meaningful” when it comes to matches. Whatever’s at stake, it’s always me, or the other guy.

Unimpressed with Rezin’s honorable candor, Jiles spits on the floor near his opponents feet. The lunger is charcoal in color, and alien in texture.

Cancer Jiles: That spit right there is about as important as it gets for you.

Tender Chris: Uhhh, use one word to describe each of the following: Lindsay Troy. PRIME. The Universal Championship.

Rezin: Tyranny.

Tender Chris: No. I meant one word for each of them.

Rezin: I know what you meant.

The awkward silence once again begins to fester.

Cancer Jiles: I got you, Chris. How’s about– Waste. Of. Time. Ha. I digress. To answer your question, Chris. PRIME, in one word? That’s easy. SOFT. HA. The UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP? MINE. Lindsay Troy???? Dictator, and boy does that–

There’s an emergency static blip or something of the sort that cuts off Jiles’ last comment.

Tender Chris: I think now is as good a time as any to take some questions submitted by our loyal Cracking News following. This first one is for Cancer. The Anglo Saxon asks, was that you I saw at Kensington and Lehigh fighting with a bum over a half eaten hot dog?

Before Jiles can answer, Rezin steals the question from him. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe he wanted to disrespect his opposition. Maybe just maybe.

Rezin: Hey, I was that bum! And it was barely a third eaten! Was I just supposed to let all that relish go to WASTE?!

Tender Chris:  I’m sure it was. This next question is from Darin Zion.  What are your thoughts on LOOOOOOOOOVE? And please tell us if you are PRO CONVOY or ANTI CONVOY?

Cancer Jiles: I HATE IT. In fact, like Darin Zion, I think LUV stinks and is a waste of time. That said, and no surprise here, but I guess that makes me anti convoy.

Rezin: Yeah, I’m ANTI too. But only cause I’m ANTI-ERRYTHING! I’m even more ANTI than YOU, Cancer!

The host with the most nods as if he learned something important just then. He even pulls out a little notepad and jots something down so that he doesn’t forget.

Tender Chris: Thank you for that. My next question is for… wait… why does nobody like you and why do you have no friends and how many diseases did you get down in Mexico and—GODDAMMIT WHO LET DEB SEND IN A QUESTION?!

Chris crumbles the note into a ball and tosses it aside. It bounces fecklessly off of Rezin’s annoyed face.

Tender Chris: Hey, did you guys hear I got laid in Mexico?! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!

The COOLMPIAN nods.

Rezin: Yes, Chris, I know… I KNOW! I was THERE, goddambit! I saw ERRYTHING! Could ya just SHUT UP about it already? I mean, if “cool” is what you’re goin’ for, I don’t think braggin’ about it non-stop is to your style! I mean… sorry, maybe I should defer to the expert on that.

He motions to Jiles.

Cancer Jiles: Just because you’re still a virgin doesn’t mean you have to project your virgin angst on us non virgins. Also, you say you were there? You weren’t… ya know– cuck a doodle doing were you? Are you more of a watcher? Is that why you’re still waiting for the right one to come along?

The awkward silence from before quickly returns. I guess you could say it was only a matter of time before this whole thing went sideways.

Tender Chris: We’ll be right back after an unscheduled word from our sponsors!

 

[Commercial for Rogaine] 

[With Minoxidil]

 

Tender Chris: And we’re back! No, there wasn’t a fight or anything of note that happened during the commercial break. I PROMISE. This is Cracking News! We have integrity! This isn’t some second rate News and Notes outfit!

The look of the two men sitting down with Chris tells a different tale. Both Rezin and Jiles are disheveled. Their clothes are out of order, and for some reason Rezin has on the top of Jiles’ patented electric blue, company man tracksuit. The Cracking News set behind them looks to be run through as well, and there’s even a COOLYMPIAN YOLJK spatter on the one wall.

Tender Chris: Let’s get back to it. This question is from John Doe. Who do YOU think ran over Stalker?

The Goat Bastard DEFIANTlysighs.

Rezin: Bro, don’t pester the Owl God… and we all know it was STALKER who ran over Stalker.

Tender Chris: Indeed. I think now is a good time to bring up the fact that the other day I was trying to show my lame cousin Craig some music that might make him less lame, you know? So anyway, we were deep into the 2002 classic album “Songs for the Deaf” by Queens of the Stone Age when that chum bucket Craig started calling them “stupid butts”, and I about lost my MIND. Anyway, that leads me to my next question and this is for both of you – which three PRIME wrestlers have the best butts, and which three have the stupidest butts?

Rezin: The three best? Okay, how’s this: cigar butts… pool cue butts… and Butte, Montana. Which I hear will be hosting Colossus 2027. As for the “stupidest”? How about… BUT why? BUT how? BUT what does this ultimately accomplish, Rezin? Those BUTs really gum up my grinder, lemme tell ya!

The Maestro remains forever unamused.

Cancer Jiles: I’m more of a tits man and I know better than to answer your question with those responses. However, it is your first gig so for the sake of it let’s just say Bobby Dean for all three. He’s back now, right?

Tender Chris: Interesting choices, gentlemen, but I’m afraid the one and only true answer to this survey is the Trifecta of A’s. Specifically, Anna, Anjelica, and Ashley.

Vickie Hall can be heard screaming from wherever she is. Superimposed “action shots” of Timelord Daniels, reporter Brookes, and official Barlow appear on a screen conveniently to the side of the young Chickentenders. He has his laser pointer out and ready to go, like a true auteur of the unofficial art of ass-ranking.

Tender Chris: As we can see in these three samples that I’ve procured from long nights of in-depth research, the grandeur of gluteus maximus that we see here is top notch. As for ugliest?

Three more asses appear on the screen. They invoke feelings of shock. Revulsion. Maybe even a bit of dread. Nobody asked for this, but Chickentenders has delivered once again.

Tender Chris: Ugliests butts I’ve seen in PRIME belong to Ivan Stainslob, who has a butt as flat as the Iron Curtain… the bulbous behind of Bobby Dean (sorry, Cancer)… and YOU, Resin, for your gift to the world in the form of constant plumber’s crack.

Rezin: As I always say… “BELTS are overrated!”

Tender Chris: Our next question is from Tanner Quest, and it’s…BORING.

Chris tears up the card and throws the pieces in the air. Jiles snorts, actually popping a bit from the show of arrogance. 

Tender Chris: Instead of whatever dumb crap that was…how are you gonna celebrate when Cancer Jiles wins the Universal Title again?

Rezin: WHOOOOOAAA hangonasec… gettin’ ahead of ourselves, are we? Before he can even sniff in the direction of that title, he’s gotta win the Turmoil, right? And before he can even THINK of whatever chance he has in that whole flustercuck… he’s gotta survive ME!! But ya know what EYE think, Chrissy Chicky-Tendy?

Rezin stands up. Picks up a glass of water that’s been resting on the low table between them. He walks over to where Cancer is standing and… drinks the water.

Rezin: FUCK, this studio is hot…

The Escape Artist chucks the glass over his shoulder. Instead of hearing it break, we hear what sounds like a Boeing 747 taking a nosedive into the ground.

Don’t think too hard about it.

Rezin: Here’s the deal, Cance–can I call you Cance?

Cancer Jiles: No. Actually, the answer is never. Never call me that.

Rezin: Cool. Here’s the deal, Cance… 

It’s probably the jacket that makes him do it, but Rezin pops the collar on the tracksuit before continuing.

Rezin: My career may be in a downward spiral since losing the Universal Title… I may have been choked out in front of millions of viewers on live TV two weeks ago… I may be without cause or motivation to further myself in the case of overall standing… BUT… ONE THING THAT NEVER CHANGES, IS…

He stammers and blinks.

Rezin: FUCK THIS JACKET IS COOL. I get it now. I do. Can I try on the T-shades?

The Maestro quickly springs from the comfort of his plush throne, and takes a step toward the audacious Rezin. The two go nose to nose. Jiles pops a piece of gum in his mouth just so he can chew with his trap open. 

Cancer Jiles: Sure, I’d love to watch the weight of them crush your hollowed out nose before you collapse to the ground.

Oh look, that silence returns again. 

That pesky, awkward, silence.

Tender Chris: WELL, looks like we’re out of time! Watch ReVival tomorrow night to see these two kick the shit out of each other. It should be a BADASS match! Brusch did write it! For Cracking News, I’m Tender Chris, THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

 

“…wait, where the fuck was I going with this? Ah, whatever… SUPERKICKS SUCK! Literally the LAZIEST move in the history of wrestling!” — Rezin, probably.