Cracking News

For immediate release:

 

TREACHEROUS TURMOIL INSIDE CAMP BANDIT

 

After a coup to overthrow Cancer Jiles backed by the KFC Coalition failed, we regret to inform you that Robert Dean is no longer a member of the eGG Bandits. 

However, upon hearing how happy Bob’s daughter Belle was about his termination, King COOL changed his mind and reinstated Robert at an even higher rank. Which meant, since Bob was already a founding father, Jiles in essence couped himself. As such, Bob threw Jiles out to make his daughter happy again.

So, with less regret than Bob but regret nonetheless, we regret to inform you that Cancer Jiles is no longer a member of the eGG Bandits. 

However, soon after Bob made his first decree the KFC coalition went on strike, demanding higher pay if they had to work through all hours of the night. Bob, the least confrontational person on the planet, did not know what to do so he did what he always does when he doesn’t know what to do. 

So, Cancer Jiles has been reinstated as eggsecutioner and first patriarch of the eGG Bandits.

We’re also happy to report that the chickens are back in the fryers.

Needless to say it was a crazy 16 minutes.

—

Other notes:

-Chris Chickentenders is rumored to have an unhealthy infatuation with Nate Colton’s pig and has stepped away from Cracking News for the week.

Tender Edit From Rehab: Not Nate’s significant other or Grandma, the pig on the shoulder of his jacket.

-The fever blister Hayes Hanlon contracted after being stuffed inside Bobby’s trunks a while back has returned. Good thing for the young stalwart it’s something he’s used to. 

-Jared Sykes recently worked an independent show where he went to a time limit draw against famed author, Chuck Tingle. Timo Bolamba was the referee.

-The cardboard cut out of Lindsay Troy used during Jiles’ PWA entrance was recently sold on eBay for an undisclosed amount. The buyer, MyCardBoredLifeRyan69, was excited about the purchase and said to be flexible about the price.

-A petition to get Paxton Ray to take a shower before the Tropical Turmoil match is picking up steam among the other five competitors.

-Both night one and NIGHT TWO of Tropical Turmoil are sold out. Tickets for NIGHT TWO are going for triple the cost of night one on the secondary market. As one fan put it, “Only Brian Hollywood can afford these prices!”

-Russian authorities have responded to Cancer Jiles’ claims about Ivan Stanislov looking like a radioactive mutant by sending the former UNIVERSAL Champion a bottle of vodka. There was a note attached to the bottle which once translated roughly read, Look Through Vodka Goggles.

-Gabe Hanukkah was recently arrested for smuggling ten pounds of cocaine inside his rectum. Allegedly High Octane Legend Scott Stevens shoved it up there. Gabe was released wearing a diaper but no charges were filed against him.

-We wish Gabe the best of luck with the cartel.