RUMOR MILLS: JUNE 28TH EDITION

Hello again everyone, Matt Mills here with your pre-PPV edition of Rumor Mills. Let’s get right to it!

• • A purported elaborate entrance to be staged by Coral Avalon for his first PRIME main event at Tropical Turmoil has Cancer Jiles fans wondering if the old crumb might have finally met his match in the entrance game. There are many rumors that the elaborate entrance will be proudly displayed on the widescreen view of Avalon’s own prodigious forehead.

 

• • A member of the Crownless Kingdom of Japan, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. (“the Lunch Lawyer”), has requested permission from PRIME management to be in attendance for Night 1 of Tropical Turmoil. Rumor has it that he has a vested interest in the main event of the evening. Rumor has it that Lindsay Troy spent much of her time laughing at the request. Rumor has it that she’d only agree to it if Lord Yum had a meeting with Wade Elliott first to discuss, uh… “security”. Rumor has it that Lord Yum may have agreed to this because he has very different opinions on what this “security meeting” will entail.

 

• • Rumors are funny things, when you get right down to it. We could just say anything. Why, I could say that Alexei Ruslan is made of chocolate, and you’d probably at least consider the notion!

Coincidentally, they now celebrate Ruslan Day in Russia with chocolate caricatures of Alexei, as though he were the Easter Bunny. They’re always full of vodka.

(Editor’s note: Gary, performance reviews are coming up. This is your ass.)

 

• • Rumor has it there will be an Eddie Cross skin coming out for a popular multiplayer online game.

That’s right, Animal Crossing: New Horizons will be adding DLC to make Tom Nook look like Cross! For added flavor, if you don’t pay your bells by the deadline, Eddie will choke slam your AC:NH toon into Oblivion, forcing a hard restart of your game.

Keep an eye out for this one, the DLC tentatively titled Eddie Crossing will be available for $7.99.

 

• • Good ol’ DJ Tristy Crispy is hosting a rave at his personal residence this Friday!

All are welcome. It’s a fancy dress party, and while clothes are optional masks are not! Sources close to TCG say they think he’s trying to relive some weird ass hallucination or something. Make his bad trip a badass party!

 

• • A source from deep within the Kremlin has taken great risks and provided some intriguing information from Ivan Stanislav’s medical charts. It seems The Russian Bear may not merely be a nickname. According to our source, Ivan is, genetically, 37% bear.

It is unclear whether this comes from his paternal or maternal genetics.

 

• • Sources says Rocky de Leon has been approached by Bad Dragon to sponsor a toy designed after a pterodactyl. The product was kick-started months ago with minimal traction, but following the hint of de Leon’s involvement, backing with preorders spiked. Interestingly, the preorder survey suggests 70% of the orders are from women over the age of 55, with the rest being gifts.

 

• • Since the appearance of Butter Pecan, the pony “gifted” to Lindsay Troy, the Internet has been abuzz demanding merch! His popularity has skyrocketed to the point where some officials are considering giving him a title match on the next ReVival. When asked for a comment, Abe Lipschitz responded with, “I don’t really have time to talk right now. I’m carrying Bobby Dean on a rickshaw to local San Diego buffets.”

 

• • While the window of marketing opportunities for chips seems to have passed for FLAMBERGE for the time being, competitive rumblings from the skincare industry have begun. Exfoliants are widely regarded as an untapped marketing opportunity and a potential Hit New Thing for the back end of 2024, and the Frenchman is regarded as a potentially unique spokesperson for exfoliating products such as pumice stones and infused face scrubs.

The front running pitch? “All reptiles shed their skin as they grow.”

 

• • We here at Rumor Mills would like to quickly clarify things concerning an earlier insinuation that Cancer Jiles has fans. First, they call themselves the Crumblings. Second, they have a whole forum on the dark web known as #4Egg. And third, there are dozens of us, and we can’t be stopped! Do you hear me!? DOZENS!

 

• • In this week’s final media scrum, there has been no confirmation of whether Chandler Tsonda will show for Tropical Turmoil. The popular news aggregation site PRIMESlime cited sources within PRIME’s team of lighting and sound technicians that no plan has been made for Tsonda’s usual green and gold pyrotechnics. This is clearly rock solid information.

PRIMESlime went on to ask openly whether an open slot against Bobby Dean might be a venue for a comeback match for someone like Matt Ward or to continue building the profile of either turncoat member of Winds of Change. No plausible rumor has been proposed that Lindsay Troy would permit Jake Nguyen, bka “Doppeltsonda,” to actually compete in a PRIME ring, but stranger things kind of happen every two weeks on live TV.

As of publication time, Tsonda remains on the card for the showdown with Dean.

 

1. • Rumor has it that Alexei Ruslan is still detained in New Mexico, under suspicion of masterminding what is being called “tiregate,” in which an ambulance’s tires were slashed at ReVival 29. The period of time where the authorities could detain Ruslan would expire on June 28 and, if they are unable to find conclusive evidence, he would be released. The Russians deny this is the case, but say that if it was the case that he would be released because he had nothing to do with it.

 

• • Rumor has it that Alexei Ruslan is vacationing in Sochi, a popular beach resort off the Black Sea in Russia. The Russians confirm this rumor.

 

• • Viral videos have surfaced of Ivan Stanislav yeeting forklifts into the sun. We cannot verify if Stanislav has actually begun assaulting the sun with forklifts.

 

• • Joe Fontaine is believed to have had his news posting privileges revoked after an outburst on the PRIME site the other day led to him rambling nonsensically for a time. He has filed for an appeal, but said appeal has been rejected in perpetuity until he produces an appeal that proves he can type with proper usage of capitalization and punctuation.

 

• • It seems apparent that Arthur Pleasant is up for the role of James Bond, which brings into question how he will balance PRIME and being on set. More on this story as it develops.

 

• • Rumor has it that Darin Zion has a hidden supply of Crystal Pepsi on an off-shore island. How dare that vile traitor steal all the best 1990’s stuff. I – and by “I,” I mean a person who is totally not Darin Zion – am sure he’s got some 3D Doritos, Butterfinger BBs, Trix yogurt, and all your other favorite childhood snacks.

You should probably blame Darin Zion for ruining your childhood at this point too. He’s the sole reason all those snacks do not exist anymore.

 

• • Rumorkiller: Arthur Pleasant was mistakenly reported to be up for the role of James Bond. We at PhakeNewz apologize for the confusion. However, other reports suggest Arthur Pleasant is voicing a character on a SpongeBob SquarePants reboot. More on this completely true and not fabricated/exaggerated story as it developz!

 

• • After The Anglo Luchador’s latest appearance on the UndergroundCast, we sent feelers out to people who were in the BCW locker room that night that weren’t already asked due to their pricing to TAL. We received three responses, all of which more or less corroborate his story, but were given on the condition of anonymity.

In an unrelated note, Lindsay Troy emphatically stated that Felix Mullen was to receive no more press passes for PRIME media scrums.

 

• • Julian Bathory to DEFIANCE??? Rumor has it that a man who looked kinda-sorta(????) like the Carpathian Devil was spotted on this week’s edition of DEFtv, which was held at the KFC Yum! Center in Louisville, Kentucky. He wasn’t wrestling, of course…he was handing out some of the Colonel’s Finest during Henry Keyes’ SOHER Spectapalooza, Sponsored by IHOP.

And by “handing out,” we mean “throwing a drumstick at Brian Insert’s face” and looking surly.

When asked for comment, Lindsay Troy had no comment. She only laughed. A lot.

So did Henry.

In exchange for replacement hot sauce, Mr. Insert will not be pressing charges.