Comrades of all stripes! Young and old! Lifelong card members and new members who are just so energized to make this world of ours a better, more equitable place, it is I, Alexei Ruslan, back from the glorious beaches of Sochi!
But oh, dear readers, I would be remiss to not issue a most heartfelt thanks to the man who so ardently and ably held down the fort while I was away.
Oh yes, you know him.
A MESSAGE OF THANKS
Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav
It cannot be stated enough how wonderful Ivan Stanislav, the man, truly is. A true communist helps their friends, and also allows them to recuperate and picks up the workload in their stead. Ivan certainly did just that. He jumped at the opportunity, and I have to say I am worried I may lose my post as author of this article! Yes, he was that compelling! That gripping! And that passionate in his writing!
How wonderful it is, comrades, to share a brotherhood and friendship with this absolute paragon of a man! Not just a master of economic and military matters, no! Not just an expert in the wrestling ring, no! But also a man who is so eloquent in his prose and thoughtful in his analysis that truly, he could have been one of Russia’s finest writers had he simply chosen another profession.
I can state, simply, that Ivan Stanislav functions at the highest human level possible and he maximizes all of his potential. But can we just consider, for a moment, if he had channeled that unbridled talent toward yet another vocation? Like writing? Statesmanship? Metallurgy? How is it that so much acumen can be squeezed into such a massive frame? It boggles the mind.
Ivan, my friend of approximately forty years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
TROPICAL TURMOIL NIGHT 2 PREDICTIONS
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT
Winner: Arthur Pleasant via most decided pinfall
We all saw it. Poor Arthur Pleasant showed up to PRIME with rainbows in his eyes and hope in his heart, and The Luchador had to try to throw his weight around and bully the poor guy. Disgusting. I cannot, and will not, ever rule in favor of a bully. Arthur Pleasant is bound to win this match, and rightfully so. I know in this life of ours, sometimes justice is not served, but I am confident it shall in this case.
This Luchador is a menace. He did the same to us. It stems from a deep-rooted fear of being replaced, which he most certainly has been. I would feel sorry, but I don’t have time for such things. I mean, what kind of a man complains constantly about his tag team partner when they win? Despicable.
BOBBY DEAN VS. CHANDLER TSONDA
Winner: Chandler Tsonda via thwarted cannibal attempted by that fat absolute waste of human filth Bobby Dean
You know, I want to make it clear: I would prefer it if both of these guys took a long walk off a short pier. But that’s not going to happen, I guess. Chandler Tsonda came into PRIME with a raucous welcome. Why, this timeless has-been even was given a spot AFTER Ivan Stanislav at Culture Shock Battle Royal, when Ivan earned the last spot. I have it on good authority that the outcome of that match is still being audited and considered void because of this gross injustice.
As the hip kids say: What’s up with that?
I’ll tell you what’s up with that? Mr. Good-looking is shuffled down to wrestle this morbidly obese beluga whale of a man Bobby Dean in which the only rollups are what’ll fall out between his back fat folds.
I think Bobby Dean will try to eat Chandler, and in doing so he will try to gain his power. But he’ll choke and pass out, giving Chandler the win.
Hey, it could happen.
ALIAS TITLE MATCH: C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES VS. ABE LIPSCHITZ
Winner: Abe Lipschitz after Monty passes out from one of the many concussions Ivan Stanislav gave him months ago.
Yep, we know it. Monty is still suffering the effects of an overwhelming ass-kicking from Ivan Stanislav. He’s not going to last. Abe is a moron, but he’s proven he knows how to lay down for three seconds. At least he’ll do so on top of Monty for the win.
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. ROCKY DE LEON
Winner: Rocky De Leon via JCH barely having the wherewithal to function as a human being after the absolute demolition of him at the hands of Ivan Stanislav.
Rocky, you can thank us now or later, I don’t care. Even send a card to the embassy, if you want. But Jonathan is a mere shell of himself after Ivan crushed him at ReVival 30. You’re welcome. A stiff breeze will knock him down. Don’t screw it up.
INTENSE TITLE MATCH – PIER SIX BRAWL: ANNA DANIELS (C) VS. FLAMBERGE
Winner: Anna Daniels via pinfall
I have no issues with either of these competitors. Anna Daniels has been nothing but an honest, class act to myself and Praporshchik Stanislav. I respect her fight, her grit, and her honesty. She speaks her mind, and is respectful to us. She is open minded and, if a bit capitalistic minded, seems to have a good heart.
FLAMBERGE on the other hand, was so respectful and frankly, nearly fell over himself when he was in the presence of Ivan Stanislav. He was so reverent, that it warmed my heart and I never forgot it. And I know he’s been reading the book we gave him, and I know if we were to ever ask him a random question about it, he’d answer with the correct response. Because it would surely be a shame if he didn’t. But I know he won’t, that’s the kind of man he is.
Anyway, a hard fought match, but we’re going with Anna on this one.
UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH: BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD (C) VS. TYLER ADRIAN BEST
Winner: WHO CARES?!
Really, does it matter? No, it doesn’t. Because whoever wins is going to lose in the not too distant future. Youngblood and Best, did you think I was going to write something about you two? Maybe something glowing? Whoever wins shouldn’t have had that title in the first place. It was Praporshchik Stanislav’s the entire time and it was stolen from him by Hanlon. But hey, thanks for keeping it warm either way. We’ll have to extend the waist of the belt a good bit, since it’s been shrunken down so much to fit around your scrawny waists. No big deal.
THE TROPICAL TURMOIL 2023 MAIN EVENT
TROPICAL TURMOIL MATCH: PAXTON RAY VS. JARED SYKES VS. NATE COLTON VS. CANCER JILES VS. HAYES HANLON VS. IVAN STANISLAV
Losers: Paxton Ray, Jared Sykes, Nate Colton, Cancer Jiles, and Hayes Hanlon
Undisputed Winner: Ivan Stanislav via complete and absolute dominance.
I bet you all hoped and prayed that the forklift would take Ivan down, didn’t you? Jared Sykes, you gutless psychopathic coward. You really thought you could muster any sort of offense to actually hurt Ivan Stanislav? You want to know why it took so long for Justine to beg Ivan to stop hurting you?
Because she liked it. Because you’re a piece of shit, Jared Sykes. And she knows it. She won’t tell you, but she knows it. Did she ever throw away the flower we gave her? I bet she didn’t.
You self-centered loathsome worm of a man, Jared Sykes. I know you’re going to build yourself up. You’re going to think that because you survived Paxton Ray you can survive Ivan. You’re going to put your faith in your “grit” and “goodness” to see it pull you through.
Why, you’ll even think that yes, you’ll get beat up, but you’ll make it out the other end.
You have NEVER weathered a storm the likes of which Ivan is going to exact upon you. You have NEVER encountered an opponent like Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav. And we will never, ever forget your cowardice.
Hayes Hanlon? Mr. “I can cheapen any title I hold by cheating to win, and then losing it immediately thereafter.” What a fantastic legacy you’ve built for yourself “Home Run.” You know, a Home Run is supposed to be something that helps the team win, right? Long term? So much for that. Maybe you should call yourself “Sacrifice” instead, hm?
They say that karma is a bitch, Hayes Hanlon, and boy they aren’t wrong. Sometimes folks say that comeuppance doesn’t happen, but boy oh boy, you are a posterboy for what happens to those who cheat to win and ultimately fail. I am going to absolutely -revel- in Ivan pounding you into a stain on the mat.
Nate Colton? You squealed like that pig on your shoulder when Ivan (and I) took you to task at PWA-02. Do you really want your dad and family members to weep more tears over your failures? So be it.
Cancer Jiles, the last time you grew a semblance of a spine, you got into the ring with Ivan and were shelved for months. There are easier, and far less painful ways, to get a free vacation. But suit yourself.
Paxton Ray, let’s be real, you’re the only one who doesn’t have some sort of an issue with Ivan, and that’s fine. To your credit, you put up an admirable fight against Ivan in the Culture Shock Battle Royal. You have our respect. You didn’t back down. You stood up like a man and fought like a man. You didn’t spit shit in his eyes like Cancer tried, nor did you cheat to win like Hayes, or use illegal weapons and vehicles like Sykes, and you didn’t hide behind your family like Nate.
So from us to you, I hope you get what you can out of the match. Help us annihilate Sykes, because I know you’re itching to hospitalize him. How about Hayes Hanlon? He could use a good beating, right? And of course Nate Colton, Mr. High and Mighty himself could use one of those fancy punches of yours.
But I just want you to know, Paxton, that we still know how this is going to play out. You have it in your power to lose this match and still win. So you’d might as well make the most out of what you have to work with, right?
No hard feelings.
We’ll even help you destroy everyone else, and you can just lay down in the middle of the ring and let Ivan pin you. He’s willing to not even hurt you.
Choice is yours, Pax.
So yes, of course, we all know Ivan is going to win. I don’t care how many freaking hoops he has to jump through (Ivan is a natural gymnast, did you know?). I mean, he was the runner up in that sham of a Culture Shock cage match, and who gets the shot against Hayes (who, you know, stole the win)? Brandon Youngblood?! Oh, just give this wannabe a shot for no good reason. And then put Ivan in this stupid tournament, which we all knew he would win, and now he has to go through five other people?
Can it be any more obvious? Don’t even get me started on the fining situation. I don’t need my agita to kick in.
So we keep it simple. Complete and utter destruction by a medically 100% Russian goliath. You think you’re all in a better place because most of you have an issue with Ivan in that ring? You’re wrong.
You’re worse off, because Ivan has an issue with most of YOU.
And so, my friends, there it is. Ivan Stanislav’s unsurprising meteoric rise will continue. Who has done as much as Ivan thus far? His record speaks for itself. Undefeated (save for some technicality from Ultraviolence that is still under investigation), undefeated in the PWA matches. Headlining pay-per-views in his sleep. A man respected by those who deserve it, and feared by those who have reaped it.
It will be a glorious night when Ivan wins the main event.
This has gone on long enough, I could go on more but why repeat myself? PRIME is on the cusp of reaching a new, golden age, with a representative who can drag the federation out of its muck and into the light. No more Youngblood or Best. No more Hanlon or Jiles. Someone who we can all be proud of.
So let us think about this prosperous future. Let’s think about how much justice will be meted out at Tropical Turmoil. Let us think about the pride that shall fill each and every one of our chests when we see Ivan victorious!
And always, dear comrades, always Think Red!