The Last Chance Saloon. Whatever your vice is, you can probably satisfy it here.
As you might expect, there’s a lot of bustle–somewhere around seventy people are in the building right now.
Anyone walking in through the big swinging doors would find themselves in the main hall, smack dab in the middle of a bunch of tables. The biggest one, reserved for large parties, is home to a very large party indeed. Directly facing the door is an enormous bearded man in a bearskin cloak. He nurses a large glass of what is probably vodka, and scowls at the unwanted company–a smaller (but still very large) man in an army uniform with all insignias removed, two cowhands with deep tans and stupid grins, a woman in a black dress and veil who seems to be clutching a knife a little too tightly, and…a mannequin.
Helpful subtitles let us know who these people are.
EARL “The Tank” BRADLEY
“Switchblade” SARAH VAUGHN
CHICO SUPER GENIAL
Near the stairs to the balcony is another table with three men. There’s a ruggedly handsome blonde gentleman in a green checkered suit, which looks good on him but probably wouldn’t on anyone else. There’s a grizzled man with his arm in a cast, seated in a wheelchair. And, because some people can’t follow a script, the third is wearing a sweater vest over a white polo shirt, cargo shorts, and socks with sandals. His face is heavily tattooed.
LUKE “The Look” ROBINSON
THE SUBURBAN SAVAGE
Farther to the right, there’s another table with a few more people. A cocksure young man dressed as a gunfighter (with no guns, because even in this lawless wasteland there are still rules); a young woman in a frilly pink dress and a mask, another woman in an army uniform, with camouflage paint on her face, and a man in a simple suit, with the head of an aardvark.
LA LOCA PROVOCATIVA
“Guerilla” ISABEL GARZA
AARDVARK MASK, JR.
Finally, there’s a few people standing around, drinking beers and engaging in idle chitchat. We see a sketchy-looking rustler, covered in dirt and grime, a large man with a blue mask that has antennae, another large man with an American flag bandanna around his neck, and a guy dressed as a gas station attendant from the 1950s. Starting to wonder if we ran out of costumes for everyone.
THE BIG BLUE BUG
“The Denominator” STEVE MCMILLAN
On the left side of the room, there’s another table near the bar. We see a slender blonde man in a regal-looking uniform, a smaller man in a similar, but far less ornate, uniform, a man in a black suit and bowler hat with a napkin tucked into his shirt, a cowpuncher whose sleeves have been torn off, and a…
…I don’t know what the hell that is.
Works for me.
IGNACIO EL JAGUAR
LORD GAVIN YUM, ESQ.
Yum seems to be very excited for his impending meal; his plate and silverware are at the ready. Meanwhile, Coral Avalon rolls his eyes every time “SICK GAINZ” are mentioned.
As mentioned, this is close to the bar. The bartenders are a young woman in a black and green dress, with platinum blonde hair, and…a robot? Sure, fuck it, why not.
They’re serving drinks to three gunslingers. One is brash, talkative, and way too loud; another wears a mask and talks about…wiping? The third sits quietly at the far end, his hat pulled down low over his eyes. He drinks a shot of whiskey, and silently orders another.
“Wrigleyville’s Finest” JOHNNY DORN
EL HIJO DEL PAPEL HIGIENICO
Over on the left side of the room, we have the entertainment area. A pair of dancing girls in knee-high boots and black corset dresses–one trimmed in purple, the other in pink–dance on the stage for the delight of the other patrons. One of them playfully taunts the other with a wink.
Jezebel Jinx: You know, you’ve got some good moves… But mine are better!
The other fires back with a wry smile.
Ria Lockhart: Honey, you haven’t even seen my best. Wait till the action really gets going.
“Bad Luck Charmer” JEZEBEL JINX
Their routine is accompanied on the piano by an enormous man with a jackal head. Does the jackal head have a cowboy hat over it? Of course it does.
Is the playing even slightly good? Of course it isn’t. Even the best of it sounds like an overweight cat walking across the keys.
Several chairs are set up facing the stage, and a few people are sitting in those chairs, watching the show. Three of them–an older ranch hand with long hair, a young man in a top hat, and a masked farmer–seem to be enjoying themselves. The fourth member of the crowd is admonishing the dancers and the viewers; one might believe she is a priest were it not for her own mask, and also that whole “woman” thing.
La Hija de Pope John Paul II: What debauchery! What filth! Look at those two tramps up there! Give yourselves to God, tramps!
Both Lockhart and Jinx stop dancing. Lockhart narrows her eyes at the dissatisfied woman, and put her hand on her hip to maximize the sass.
Ria Lockhart: I got an idea. How about you keep your mouth shut and just hang out with Nikki Suxx.
The long-haired cowpoke bolts up from his chair. He obviously didn’t appreciate catching that stray.
Eric Evans: Oh no, little girl! You ain’t ready to take a walk on the wild side!
“Electric” ERIC EVANS
“President” ROOSEVELT BLACK
LEYENDA DE OCHO
LA HIJA DE POPE JOHN PAUL II
Also nearby is a woman in a suit (outright scandalous for these times, but nobody wants to say anything for fear of getting kicked in the head.) This woman stands behind a table full of jars, bottles, and vials, each one claiming to cure a different ailment or affliction.
Doctor Daniels: Welcome to the Madhouselet! Come one, come all! Don’t be a coward, be a consumer! We have healing potions! Magical elixirs! You there! The ugly one! No, not you, the other ugly one! I have just the tonic for you! It will help you become 5… Eh, 4% less ugly!
Finally, three other random strangers standing around. There’s a big beefy guy who’s constantly glaring at Chick Grillbreast, a man wrapped in seemingly random bandages, and a masked guy who looks like he spent all day rolling around on top of every horse apple and cow pie he could find.
POOP MIXED WITH PEE, JR.
We briefly look into the kitchen, which has assorted pots and pans heating up on the old stove. It’s a cramped room under the best of circumstances; now it’s even worse because of its occupants: three very large men, and another who throws his weight around just as well.
One man, in a stereotypical floppy chef hat, is furiously mixing some batter. The next–a gruff, hairy man in Union army pants–stands at the butcher block with a cleaver, trying his best to slice a cured pork belly into rashers of bacon. The third, an enormous black man wearing an apron but no shirt, has a waffle iron…but he’s not doing anything with it. In the din of the kitchen, no one notices that he’s the only one not working but instead plotting. Finally, the fourth furiously searches on an old-timey stove for something.
Hambone Parkinson: Dangit, where do I light this dang thing? Shoulda had this damn match at da Waffle House.
They are not preparing to fight. No, The Lunch Lawyer, one Gavin Yum, has requested a meal, and these four culinarily inclined wrestlers have been given food duty. Three out of four of them are lost in their secondary duties.
“Hot Buttered” LEROY SCRUMPTIOUS
PORTER “Beans” MCGEE
BUBBA “Porky” STUBBS
Let’s go back to the main hall and take a look inside the private rooms, off to the right.
Starting on the first floor, the first room is home to an old masked man, a slightly less old cattle rustler, and a wild-eyed lunatic who is wearing both a mayor’s sash and a butcher’s smock. (He’s also wearing clothes underneath all that; this is a family show, after all.) They seem to be arguing about who gets to use the chamberpot first.
REPRESENTATIVE BUTCHER X
In the next room, we see a heated argument between four people. Apparently someone had “bogarted the joint,” even though most of that terminology wouldn’t be coined for quite some time. Accusations go around between a young gunfighter with a cocksure grin, a Japanese woman with malice in her eyes, a pink-haired woman with a thirst for chaos, and a doctor with drawings of oranges all over his doctor coat.
ANDREW “Can’t Miss” MITCHELL
There’s a high stakes poker game in the next room. The first one looks like if Larry Bird were a third-world dictator; he’s bragging to the rest of the table about his past exploits.
Garry Bolamba: And then I hit that kid so hard I took his name AND his dad!
He’s got a reasonable amount of chips in front of him, but he’s somewhere in the middle of the pack. The guy to his immediate left–an outlaw who looks like he’s been in a thousand fights and lost most of them–only has a handful of chips, and looks to bust out at any moment. Doing only slightly better is the dandy on the far end of the table, who probably just got off the train from the East Coast that morning. The man in the crocodile-themed mask had a bit better luck than the Generalissimo, but by far the biggest pile of chips sat in front of the pennyfarthing bicycle. How is that possible? DO NOT ASK.
GENERALISSIMO GARRY “Ray-Ray” BOLAMBA
“Don of the Deathmatch” RORY HAYES
GREG NEW YORK
THE CRIMSON MIRACLE BLOODY BLOOD DEATH HOMICYCLE
There are four men up on the second floor balcony. One is small and wears a mask, the next is larger with well defined muscles and long black dreadlocks. The third is a huge brute of a man, who stares maliciously at the fourth–a tiny man with a big mouth, who repeatedly tells the others “It doesn’t matter what you think!”
QT “THE ROCK” REESE
Now, for the three rooms on the second floor. The first…we don’t actually see inside. That’s because none of you paid for the special adults-only package of this broadcast. While we can’t see in there, we can still hear some interesting noises coming from that room.
“Cowboy” JIMMY DONOVAN
Next door to them is a room filled with dangerous outlaws and several large bags, filled with money. The occupants are, in no particular order: a man with tearaway pants who looks like he might actually be dead, a large masked man, a VERY small man best described as a “critter,” a Japanese man holding a long rifle, two men in black-and-white striped shirts, robber masks, and monocles, and someone whose breath can be smelled from the comfort of your own home, making it a lot less comfortable.
PERSONA NON GRATA
“Hawkeye” TAKA SAKURAGI
MACHINE GUN CARNEGIE
“Rotten” T.J. RATIGAN
Finally, the third room on the second floor. A room where someone had been taking a nap, until the door swung open and an absolute monster (who had been sold the room, whereas the other guy just snuck in) filled the doorway. Shortly after that, a third party–who is certainly not small either–also entered the room, believing it to be his. Now, the two bruisers were staring each other down, while the man in the rubber mask was hiding under the bed.
THE MASKED BOB DOLE
There. That should account for everyone, right?
Back in the main hall, the doors swing open again, and five figures slowly walk in. Their heavy footsteps draw the attention of everyone in the room, but the attention is held by badges pinned to their dusters.
One of them takes a position in the middle of the room, with two others flanking him on either side. On his left are a man and a woman, both Japanese, both daring the patrons to try something.
“Iron Idol” RIKO TSUKINO
On his left, a tall woman with markings and adornments displaying her Mescalero Apache heritage…and a guy with his face painted to look like a shark.
Front and center is the sheriff himself, a man sworn to uphold the law. Beneath his Stetson, one can see his grizzled features and traditional facepaint.
The crowd starts to quiet down, and even the piano mercifully stops, as all eyes turn to the sheriff. Once he has their full attention, he speaks.
Sheriff Bolamba: Y’all know me, so you know I wouldn’t be down here if it wasn’t somethin’ serious. Well…this is pretty serious.
He pulls a rolled-up parchment from inside his duster.
Sheriff Bolamba: This came down from the territorial governor hisself earlier today. Deputy, you wanna do the honors?
Sheriff Timo hands the document to one of his deputies, who unrolls it and reads it aloud.
Deputy Kurosame-Sama: Shark! Shark shark shark, shark…shark shark. Shark.
He hands the paper back to the sheriff, and they share a nod as Timo rolls it back up.
Sheriff Bolamba: Thank you, Deputy. Now, I know y’all ain’t familiar with them big-city words, so I’ll make it simple. Ratigan! We know it was you and your gang that robbed the payroll off the train this morning. You got ‘til the count of ten to give yourselves up, or we’re comin’ in after you. As for the rest of you…
Timo raises the brim of his hat and scans the room.
Sheriff Bolamba: I might recognize some of you from posters down at the jail. Just want you to know that we’re only interested in the Ratigan gang. So I’m willing to forget I saw you until…say, around this time tomorrow. That gives you a days’ head start, and you can’t ask fairer than that.
The series of grumbles in the bar room indicated that they could indeed ask fairer. One such malcontent is the enormous man in the bear-skin cloak, known to law enforcement as “Big Ivan” Stanislav. Big Ivan is wanted for a number of crimes, and has no love and less trust for American authority figures. He offers a counter-proposal by grabbing the nearest object and throwing it at the sheriff.
The nearest object happens to be Chico Super Genial, who was seated at the table next to Big Ivan. With a mighty hurl, the mannequin was sent flying through the air toward Timo Bolamba. But Big Ivan did not account for wind resistance, and Chico Super Genial flew off to the side as it somersaulted through the air.
This was good news for Sheriff Bolamba but very bad news for Poop Mixed With Pee Jr., who happened to be standing near the door. Chico finished another somersault and landed on PMWP’s shoulders, then flipped backwards in a picture-perfect dragonrana that sent Poop Mixed With Pee Jr. flying through the swinging doors.
POOP MIXED WITH PEE JR. ELIMINATED by Chico Super Genial (-1:15)
Sheriff Bolamba: Looks like Big Ivan wants to go to jail tonight. Anyone else?
Here’s where we get a new voice.
“I got an idea, Sheriff? How’sabout all of us kick your POSTERIOR into next week for you?”
Judging by the sudden censorship, we can assume the voice belongs to “Rotten” T.J. Ratigan. And that the Ratigan Filter is still in effect. Sure enough, one of the doors on the second floor is now open, and the Dirty Rotten Scoundrel is standing in the doorway. His smile is unpleasant, in every sense of the word.
T.J. Ratigan: In fact, tell y’all what. Yeah, we robbed the payroll. Yeah, we took a CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT of money. So much that we’re willin’ to cut someone in on the take.
This causes an argument to break out in the room behind him, but he silences it with a few hushed words and rude gestures.
T.J. Ratigan: Anyone want a piece of the action? All you gotta do is throw the sheriff and his sorry-HINDQUARTERS excuse for a posse outta here while we escape. How’s THAT for fair?
Slowly, the faces in the room turn back toward the Sheriff. Bolamba’s been a lawman for a long time; he can see where this is going. He picks up a whiskey bottle from the table in front of him and takes a long pull.
Sheriff Bolamba: All right, hell with it. Every last one of you sonsa bitches is under arrest!
With that declaration, he throws the bottle at the wall. It collides with a washtub that was hanging there like this is some kind of T.G.I. Friday’s, knocking it loose and causing it to crash on the ground.
Or, to describe it as a sound effect:
And then, all hell breaks loose.
Angel Quinley and Ultratron-6.1 immediately attack each other behind the bar; Johnny Dorn suckerpunches El Hijo del Papel Higienico. Suburban Savage starts gnawing on Luke Robinson’s head; Randall Schwartz gives a high-pitched scream and rolls away. Earl Bradley, Sarah Vaughn, and Surf Express Bro all dogpile on Ivan Stanislav, which proves to be only a minor inconvenience.
Samson Dynamite squares up against Brock Rockheave, who casually pushes him aside in favor of another target–QT “The Rock” Reese, because some things are just meant to be.
QT Reese: Hey, what do you think you’re doing?
Brock Rockheave: I think I’m–
QT Reese: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!
He peppers Rockheave with a series of punches, while Dynamite and El Hueso start fighting. El Temblor, Rob Sharpe, and Representative Butcher X wallop each other in a tornado of pain. Andrew Mitchell knees Shoko in the stomach, while Bex Savage practically leapfrogs them to get at Dr. Marmalade.
Quinn Fleetwood jumps at Aardvark Mask Jr. and hits him with three punches, then grabs the back of Aardvark’s head and tugs at his mask.
Quinn Fleetwood: I know it’s you, Peach!
Sidling by this chaos with only a passing look is La Loca Provocativa, who hits Isabel Garza with two right fists and then slams her head against the table.
In the kitchen, Bubba Stubbs–the one only pretending to work–rises up, chucking the waffle iron dead squarely at Hambone’s head.
The waffle iron falls harmlessly to the floor as the camera catches Hambone standing defiantly, cast iron skillet in hand, having deflected the heavy projectile from his head with his implement.
Hambone Parkinson: YOU THINK THIS IS MY FIRST RODEO? WOOOOOOORLDSTAAAAAARRRRRRRR!
With that, the brawling begins. Hambone charges at Bubba with fists FLYING. Beans is a veteran, but not a murderer, so he slams the cleaver down in the butcher block with force and rolls up his sleeves, looking to meet the 2021 Belmont Classic winner in the middle of the kitchen. Leroy commences with the big meaty men slappin’ meat with a huge overhand chop over Beans’ chest.
The stage. Still enraged over Ria’s comment, Eric Evans climbs on stage and charges at Lockhart. Ria’s ready, though. She uncoils with a hard slap!
…right to Roosevelt’s face. Rosie had followed to defuse the situation, and Eric saw the slap coming, making a point to duck out of the way.
Ria Lockhart: Uh… Whoops.
Black rubs his jaw before locking eyes with Evans and trading a nod. The two men close in on Lockhart, each hooking an arm under her armpits.
Ria Lockhart: Nonononono!
Ria’s panicked protest falls on deaf ears. Speaking of falling, that’s what she’s doing, after Black and Evans chucked her from the left side of the stage! Flying head over heels, the Rainbow Rock eventually lands with a crash. Unfortunately, the thing that broke her fall (and potentially a few ribs) is Anna Daniels’ merch table. Bottles shatter and fly off chaotically.
After a moment of silence, Lockhart lets out a loud groan. Through squinted eyes, Ria sees the Muse standing above her.
Ria Lockhart: Ow… Hi, sis…
A frustrated sigh escapes from Daniels person before she shakes her head in disappointment. Anna raises her hands in presentation.
Anna Daniels: Would anyone like to purchase a slightly used Ria Lockhart?
Ria Lockhart: HEY!
Maggot and Mr. Gas have locked up, with each man desperately trying to gain advantage over the other. The Big Blue Bug attacks them both, and gets a double kick to the gut for his troubles. Ivan Stanislav brushes away his attackers like so many insects, but they swarm back in. Samson Dynamite tries to slam El Hueso’s head into the balcony railing, but the luchador blocks the attack and reverses it.
In the poker room…the game continues. Four sets of eyes and one set of handlebars stare intently at the table, where the Generalissimo is about to make his move.
That move involves two steps. First, pointing out the window and saying something ridiculous.
Garry Bolamba: Hot damn, someone taught that rhino how to tap dance!
Second, sweeping all the chips he could manage into his shirt while everyone else looked.
This plan went exactly as well as you might expect.
The first problem was that nobody looked. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to see a tap-dancing rhino; only a damn fool would pass that up. But they knew, just like we all know, that you’ll never see a rhinocerous in the Wild West. In fact, if the era is famous for anything, it’s the general lack of rhinoceri.
Second, poker chips make a lot of noise. So even if they had looked away, they’d have turned back a moment later once they noticed all the clicking and clacking.
Garry looked up and saw three sets of eyes–and one set of handlebars–staring him down.
Garry Bolamba: Umm…
That’s as far as he gets in his defense before the prosecution sets in. El Cocodrilo punches him in the face. Rory Hayes smashes a beer bottle over his head. Greg New York kicks his chair out from under him, sending the lanky Kentucky native to the floor.
Inside another private room, Rob Sharpe is squaring up with El Temblor. As they brawl around a coffee table, Representative Butcher X diplomatically inserts himself into the fray, tossing Rob Sharpe to the side and lifting El Temblor up into a side slam through the coffee table.
As El Temblor writhes on the ground and rants about treachery, Representative Butcher X stands up to face Rob Sharpe, who immediately sets upon the big man with right and left hands.
In another room, Magnus Destructo and Brandon Youngblood stare each other down. Lips snarling. Nostrils flaring. Fists clenching.
For the first time, they realize a third person is in the room. Youngblood casually grabs the bed frame and lifts it up, exposing the Masked Bob Dole to the room. Magnus Destructo grabs the masked former presidential nominee and throws him out the window.
THE MASKED BOB DOLE ELIMINATED by Magnus Destructo (2:15)
With the interloper removed, Destructo turns around and starts brawling with Youngblood.
Outside, where two men are in serious discussions about a serious matter.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Testing? Pah! Testing is for cowards!
Charles Beckett: We’re not doing an animal cruelty today.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: CRUELTY IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF SCIENCE!
Charles Beckett: I just want to see if you’ve got that thing aimed right.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Aiming is another thing for cowards! But if you want to be the test subject, be my guest.
Charles Beckett: I…promised I wouldn’t.
Suddenly, a crash of glass and a scream.
The Masked Bob Dole lands hard on the ground. The pair of disorganized organizers look at him.
Charles Beckett: Oh look, a volunteer.
Ignacio el Jaguar is struggling with ARMBAR, while Coral Avalon does his best to dodge Chick Grillbreast’s heavy blows.
Meanwhile, Gavin Yum is still seated at the table.
Coral Avalon: A little help here, Gav?
Gavin Yum: Engaging in fisticuffs on an empty stomach? Perish the thought, good sir!
Coral does get the help he’s looking for, but not from who he expects.
Sir Loin: YYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!
Loin utters this bellowing challenge as he charges at Chick Grillbreast, tackling him to the floor and nearly knocking over Coral in the process. Undeterred, Avalon immediately starts helping Iggy deal with ARMBAR.
Timo Bolamba and his posse advance toward the Ratigan gang, though Melissa Talamantez and Lord Kurosame-sama quickly get peeled off into other brawls. Bolamba, Tsukino, and BLACK approach the balcony, looking up at “Rotten” T.J. Ratigan.
They’re met with a surprise…or rather, three surprises, as Los Rebeldes del Bien charge from the room and dive over the balcony at them. Mestizo comes first, though he is caught by the trio of officers. Persona Non Grata is next, and he flattens the entire bunch.
Pedro Gonzales never makes it at all, as he gets tripped up by Samson Dynamite. He crashes into the rail and bounces backwards. Dynamite tries to press the advantage, but he’s immediately set upon by the Robber Barons.
El Hijo del Papel Higienico gets in a punch on Johnny Dorn, who pushes him back. El Hijo stumbles backward and bumps into the Wanderer, causing him to spill his drink. If you’ve ever watched a western before, you know that’s enough to make him join the fight, and he slams EHdPH’s head into the bar. Dorn only has a moment to breathe before he gets attacked by Organ Donor.
Leyenda de Ocho grapples with La Hija de Pope John Paul II, mostly just to keep her quiet. Maggot suplexes McMillan; both old-timers get up gingerly, with Steve McMillan being closer to the door. Dr. Marmalade drives a knee into Bex Savage’s face, while Shoko Nabigata twists Andrew Mitchell’s arm at an unnatural angle.
The poker game has been abandoned and replaced by a new one: Scar Garry Bolamba For Life.
The Generalissimo is pinned to the ground by El Cocodrilo and Greg New York. Rory Hayes has the front wheel of the Homicycle pressed against Garry’s crotch and clutches the pedal, ready to give it a quick turn at a moment’s notice.
“Ray-Ray” needs to think fast if he wants another round of lovin’ in the cornfield any time soon. He pulls in his legs, pulling Greg New York closer…then pushes them back out, shoving Greg right into El Cocodrilo. That draws the luchador’s ire, and he immediately begins pummeling the Big Apple native. Garry uses the confusion to slide away from the Homicycle, then uses a mighty paw to tag Hayes in the face. Hayes spins with the blow, catching Bolamba in the face with a brutal spinning backfist.
New York tries to separate himself from El Cocodrilo, but that just puts him into slappin’ range, and Garry’s palm hits him so hard, he’ll be calling himself Greg New Jersey for a week. Greg stumbles toward the wall, then El Cocodrilo dropkicks him in the back. Greg New York bounces off the wall and staggers backwards, right into the waiting arms of Rory Hayes. The Don of the Deathmatch scoops him up and lawn darts him right out the window.
GREG NEW YORK ELIMINATED by Rory Hayes (4:01)
Magnus Destructo and Brandon Youngblood throw each other around the cramped room, each impact sending shockwaves through the walls.
Sharpe grabs the table leg that had popped out of the table when El Temblor went through it. Raising it like a weapon (editor’s note: it is a weapon), Sharpe strikes Representative Butcher X across the body with it.
Butcher X stands like a movie villain, seemingly unaffected by the strike. Confused, Sharpe hits him twice more before realizing the weapon strikes are in vain, despite all of Sharpe’s hardcore experience. So Razorblade calls on his experience as a veteran and kicks Representative Butcher X in the groin.
As the big man bends over, Sharpe grabs him and sends him into the wall. The Representative is stunned for a moment, which gives Sharpe only a few moments to breathe before El Temblor attacks him from behind. The Teller of Treachery punches Sharpe in the back of the neck as the two brawl outside of the room. After a few moments, Representative Butcher X stands upright and follows them out.
Lord Kurosame-sama attacks the Suburban Savage, allowing Luke Robinson a moment to recover. He quickly turns the tables on the man from the uncharted wilds of Orange County, laying into the Savage with a series of chops. He is quickly set upon by the Robber Barons, who have charged down the stairs. Meanwhile, Taka Sakuragi is mixing it up with El Hueso, while Ratigan directs traffic from the doorway.
Mestizo and PNG are back on their feet, but the Sheriff and his deputies aren’t far behind. They begin brawling, scaring off Randall Schwartz–who had hoped to find some sort of safety under the balcony. Silly man. He rolls away in another direction, as fast as he can wheel himself.
La Loca Provocativa blocks a strike from Isabel Garza, then slams the Guerilla’s head into the table. Garza is dazed, but temporarily saved when Big Blue Bug roars in to tackle La Loca. She twists on the way down, using her momentum to drag Big Blue Bug over her. If this was a wrestling ring, he’d be able to get himself up and run back at her. But unfortunately for him, wrestling rings don’t have hard walls in them and this hall does. He crashes and takes a second to compose himself as La Loca and Garza resume their brawl, this time with Garza taking control thanks to the distraction.
Fleetwood is still screaming about Peach Backshots and ripping at Aardvark Mask Jr.’s mask, but the heroic orycteropus frees himself and hits a fierce knife-edge chop on Quinn.
Quinn Fleetwood: Okay, fine, you’re a dude anyway.
Quinn says, and tries to back off from Aardvark in favor of some other competition. But he’s already made an enemy by trying to break established wrestler code, and he runs at Quinn. Fleetwood slides under the table and twists by Isabel Garza, landing an unintentional elbow in La Loca’s side as he does so.
Quinn stands and runs away with Aardvark Mask Jr. in tow, as La Loca finally gets the upper hand and sends Garza over with a snap suplex.
Greg New York shakes off his rough landing and groans as he gets to his feet. He looks around and sees: an insane man in a lab coat, a large medieval siege weapon, a number of skunks with tiny helmets, and a guy dragging another guy in a rubber Bob Dole mask.
Charles Beckett: Grab his legs, will you?
The former mess hall chef lands an overhead chop of his own, knocking the Hot Buttered one back a few steps. Leroy composes himself and gets as much of a head of steam as he can within the cramped confines of the kitchen, thudding into McGee with a huge shoulder block. Beans brushes himself off, lets out a big “OOH-RAH!” and runs into Hot Buttered belly first, knocking the other big man back into the icebox. The drainage system knocks loose and water starts to leak onto the floor. While Leroy stops to notice the damage, he doesn’t notice Beans charging in for a second attack. At the last possible second, Leroy dodges, and Beans places a footfall right onto the puddle forming on the floor. He loses his balance and goes sliding, hitting his belly first on the butcher block.
Leroy Scrumptious: Ooooh, baby. Gonna be a bruise on that apple!
With Beans having the wind knocked out of him, Leroy turns his attention to the fracas on the other side of the room. By this time, the much larger Bubba Stubbs has gotten the advantage over the former Waffle House line cook, mounting him and raining punches on his mark. Hambone gets his hands up to defend, but he can’t completely deflect the onslaught. Years of brawling people bigger and drunker than him have given him more than enough reserves to absorb the shots that do land.
Like a guardian angel, Leroy saves Mr. Waffle House by grabbing Bubba by his neck scruff to his feet. Disoriented, the man known as Porky starts swinging wildly, but Hot Buttered is as spry as he is powerful. He dodges the punches like Muhammad Ali before knocking Porky down with a big clothesline.
Back in the main hall, ARMBAR has Ignacio el Jaguar trapped in, what else, an armbar. Coral Avalon attacks from the other side, but ARMBAR deftly traps the Crownless King’s arm, and now has both men trapped in armbars simultaneously.
ARMBAR armbars arms…in a bar.
Luke Robinson floors the Suburban Savage with a hip toss into a chair, then tries to attack the fully-occupied ARMBAR.
End result, now THREE people are trapped in armbars, and the victims look more confused than anything else. Just then, Persona Non Grata rushes up and kicks ARMBAR, which of course he is powerless against.
Hambone Parkinson: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Hambone rises, charges over, and leaps onto Leroy’s back with a sleeperhold. Although it’s not snugly applied, enough of his radius pressures Hot Buttered’s carotid artery to slow the big man down a little bit. Leroy trudges around, looking for something to help him break the hold. He’s fading through, slowing down to one knee. As Hambone repositions himself to get even more pressure, Leroy gets one last look around to see what he can use to rouse himself free. Then he spots it.
A rolling pin.
The baker’s roller lays on the shelf just within reach. As Hambone mindlessly tries to put the big man down, Leroy reaches out, fumbling on the shelf. His hand grasps mindlessly on the handle of the roller, but the camera cuts right to Hambone with ferality in his eyes, knowing he might have an early elimination in his grasp.
Leroy gasps furiously as Hambone slumps off his back to the floor, knocked loopy from the desperation shot with the rolling pin. Hot Buttered looks around the kitchen at the two remaining wrestlers still writhing on the floor, but more importantly, with all the food left uncooked.
Leroy Scrumptious: When y’all are done squirmin’ like shrimp on a hot plate, get on up here and help Leroy cook.
With sass delivered, he dusts himself off, heads over to the stove, and lights the fire to get it started. The last thing the camera picks up before cutting is the sizzle of the bacon that Beans cut before the fight began.
A wild brawl goes on under the balcony; Sheriff Bolamba finds himself fending off both Mestizo and Representative Butcher X, while Kensuke BLACK and Rob Sharpe duke it out. El Temblor gets tied up with Riko Tsukino, but she quickly lays him out with a jawbreaker, then heads up the stairs. She knows who her target is, and will stop at nothing to defeat him.
The balcony’s still pretty full, though, thanks to the mass of chaos going on up there. El Hueso, Samson Dynamite, Taka Sakuragi, QT Reese, Brock Rockheave, and Pedro Gonzales are all brawling wildly up there, while T.J. Ratigan does his best to stay out of it. Meanwhile, the rooms on either side of him are generating some very disturbing noises…for very different reasons.
Steve McMillan takes up a defensive position near the door, but steps back and trips over Chico Super Genial. He scrambles back up, then stares down at the mannequin, trying to figure out what kind of maniac would send this here.
Moments later, he looks up to see a completely different kind of horror charging at him.
Avalon and el Jaguar each grab one of ARMBAR’s…uh, ARMs, and whip the…entity toward the door. Standing in between is “The Denominator” Steve McMillan, who flattens ARMBAR with a big shoulder block, then picks him up and tosses him through the swinging doors.
ARMBAR ELIMINATED by Steve McMillan (6:45)
One of the doors on the ground floor opens, and two of the combatants spill out–Bex Savage and Shoko Nabigata. Both women hammer away at each other with reckless abandon, as one would expect from both of them.
Meanwhile, the two men in that particular room stay within, probably because there’s still stuff to break in there. Dr. Marmalade takes a few punches, but ducks a third in blatant disregard of Andrew Mitchell’s nickname. Marmalade scoops him up and body slams him onto the bed. This is not terribly effective, ‘cause springs. It’s more fun than painful.
That doesn’t mean “Can’t Miss” Mitchell is enjoying it, though. He rolls off the bed and kicks Marmalade square in the chest, causing him to stagger backwards into a dresser. It quickly collapses under his weight, because the furniture here is remarkably cheap and shoddy.
Up on the balcony, Brock Rockheave is still set on achieving his one purpose in life. Reese fights back, but the big man is undeterred as he decks Reese in the gut. QT doubles over, allowing Brock to grab him and hoist him up. As he does, Brock prepares a mental checklist that’s just his last name.
QT Reese: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Reese screams as he flies through the air, landing on a table halfway across the room,
The table explodes into fragments, sending the surrounding brawlers scattering like tenpins. Isabel Garza is the first to get up; she goes directly after Reese for an easy elimination, but is attacked from behind by La Loca Provocativa.
Leyenda de Ocho has joined Roosevelt Black, Jezebel Jinx, and Eric Evans in their on-stage brawl, while Ria Lockhart struggles back to her feet. The good Doctor Daniels sifts through her wares, seeing if there’s anything that can still be sold.
Roosevelt Black gets thrown off the stage first, a victim back body drop from Evans. Leyenda and Jinx follow up with a double-team hip toss on Evans, sending him off as well. When Black and Evans get back to their feet, Leyenda de Ocho and Jezebel Jinx hit stereo dives from the stage!
Meanwhile, the boys in the kitchen are running like a well-oiled machine.
Hambone Parkinson seasons the hash browns, before Beans McGee punches him in the kidney. Hambone goes down, allowing Beans to flip over the eggs. He’s just about to do the same with the bacon when Leroy Scrumptious throws a handful of flour in his face, then whaps him with a spatula. McGee stumbles away; Leroy moves in and starts plating the pancakes. He’s just about to add the fruit compote when Bubba Stubbs grabs him by the hair, headbutts him, and throws him at the wall. Bubba takes the bacon off just in time, then adds shredded cheese to the hash browns. Moments later, he is hit in the back with the same waffle iron he threw earlier.
Hambone Parkinson: Smothered AND covered, mother–
The Suburban Savage finds himself in between his two ancient enemies: sharks and 19th century tycoons-slash-thieves.
If I had a nickel, right?
The Savage is trying to fend off Deputy Kurosame-Sama, when the Robber Barons grab him from behind and flatten him with a double belly-to-back suplex.
As the Suburban Savage staggers back to his feet, Lord Kurosame-sama charges at him and spins him around and around with a satellite headscissor, getting several rotations before releasing. The momentum carries the Savage stumbling through the front doors and out into the street.
SUBURBAN SAVAGE ELIMINATED by Lord Kurosame-sama (??:??)
Dynamite and Rockheave are brawling on the balcony; Brock throws a mighty fist that Samson ducks, and it slams into the still-locked door. Brock clutches at his hand, allowing the Detroit Destroyer to maneuver around and slam Rockheave’s head into that same door.
It sounds enough like knocking that somebody responds.
“Hold your goldang horses!”
The key turns in the lock, but Samson has already set up his own lockpicking device–as Rockheave slumps against the door, Dynamite takes a few steps back and flattens him with a mighty spear!
The door explodes into fragments, and both men fly into the room. Samson Dynamite pushes himself to his feet, then looks around the room…and his eyes go wide.
Samson Dynamite: Whoa. Uhh…y’all are busy. I’ll come back later.
He backs out of the room, then grabs Brock Rockheave’s feet and drags him out too.
Moments later, “Cowboy” Jimmy Donovan steps through the wreckage, dressed only in his cowboy hat, boots, and boxers. You might be tempted to ask how he unlocked the door with his hands tied behind his back like that.
Jimmy walks out onto the balcony and looks over the carnage taking place, and he gets even more excited than he was a few minutes ago. (In a different way, though.)
Jimmy Donovan: Hot damn, there’s a fight goin’ on! C’mon, darlin’! Cut me loose so we can get in on this!
Sasha Loveless, dressed exactly how you might expect, has a different idea. Instead of untying Donovan’s hands, she plants a high heel in the middle of his back and kicks him down the stairs.
Jimmy Donovan: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, what–ow!
Amazingly, he’s still wearing his hat when he arrives at the bottom.
Satisfied with her work, Sasha grabs a whip that conveniently hangs on the wall, and turns her attention toward T.J. Ratigan.
T.J. Ratigan: Hey now, I ain’t into that STUFF.
Sasha Loveless: That’s too bad…because I am.
The end of the whip catches Ratigan in the chest, bringing a wicked smile to the lips of Mistress Loveless.
Back at the stage, Lockhart is back on her feet and brawling with Eric Evans, but that doesn’t stop La Hija de Pope John Paul II from mocking her for her earlier fall.
La Hija etc. etc. etc.: Serves you right, harlot!
A tap on the shoulder draws her to turn around, coming face to face with Jezebel Jinx and Leyenda de Ocho.
Jezebel Jinx: Your judgy mouth is starting to piss me off!
Leyenda de Ocho: Yes. Your treatment of others is quite uncalled for.
La Hija de Longest Name Ever: No one asked for your opinion!
She shoves Ocho; Leyenda rapidly responds with an elbow to her jaw! Hija stumbles back, slightly rocked. Ocho drops to her hands and knees, looking over to Jinx and jerking her head towards the stunned woman. Jezebel is quick to pick up on the hint. She charges forward, leaping off of Ocho’s back and blasting Hija with a shotgun dropkick! She goes flying back, landing with a splat on the top of the piano!
The crash landing breaks the concentration of Powerslam Anubis. Yes, despite his seemingly unfocused and maniacal playing, he was quite zoned in. The large God rises from his tiny, tiny stool.
Powerslam Anubis: Foolish mortal! You have interrupted my pristine playing of this earthly instrument. You shall now face eternal punishment! With a side order of pain!
Grabbing the groggy Hija by the collar and belt, Anubis effortlessly lifts the woman above his head. He makes his way over to a nearby window, lawn darting her through it with a concerning crash!
LA HIJA DE POPE JOHN PAUL II ELIMINATED by Powerslam Anubis (9:31)
Dorn grabs a bottle from the bar and smashes it over Organ Donor’s head, causing a fountain of blood to appear almost immediately.
Angel Quinley: Hey! Quit making a mess on my bar!
Impressive that she could yell that while Ultratron-6.1 had her in a headlock. The Wanderer is happy to help; he just needs something to wipe down the bar with. Like a rag, or a towel, or some toilet paper…or the Son of Toilet Paper.
He muscles El Hijo del Papel Higienico onto the bar, then slides him down the slick wooden surface.
El Hijo del Papel Higienico: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Bottles and glasses go flying as the luchador sails off the end of the bar, landing in a heap in front of the door to the kitchen.
By the front wall, the Big Blue Bug is making his move. Triple B drags a limp QT Reese to the window, then lifts him up over his shoulder. He charges at the window in order to launch him out, but Reese suddenly slips behind him an extra shove, sending the Big Blue Bug careening through the window…
…and into a nearby horse trough.
BIG BLUE BUG ELIMINATED by QT Reese (10:02)
The skunk-a-pult. Or, for now, the Dole-a-pult.
Dr. Badguy stands at the launching mechanism, with Charles Beckett nearby to observe the results. Not only is Greg New York still there, but a few other eliminated wrestlers have joined them, because they like a good spectacle as much as anybody.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Ready…FIRE!
He pulls the lever, and the arm swings into action, heading up…then down, sending the Masked Bob Dole straight into the ground about five feet in front of the device.
A cloud of dust flies up. When it clears, we see a Wile E. Coyote-type hole where the MBD landed.
Dr. Badguy lets out an exasperated sigh.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Fine. I’ll fix it.
Charles Beckett: Thank you.
El Temblor and Steve McMillan can’t see each other. There’s too much chaos and debris, and let’s be honest, their eyesight ain’t what it once was. But they can sense each other.
They break off and back away from their current dance partners, and scan the room until their eyes meet.
A snarl. A wicked grin. A very slight, almost imperceptible nod.
One more time.
El Temblor: EL TEMBLOR REMEMBERS YOUR TREACHERY!!!
The ancient enemies charge at each other, as much as their bodies allow them.
Up on the balcony, Ratigan is still calling out orders for the rest of his gang. Somebody has to stop that, and make the dirty man do his own dirty work.
El Hueso is somebody.
Just as Ratigan leans forward through the door frame, Hueso runs up and kicks him in the face.
T.J. Ratigan: You little FOREIGNER!
He steps out to give chase, but by this time Hueso is already circling back. He leaps, wraps his head around Ratigan’s neck, and connects with a hurricanrana that threatens to take them both over the balcony!
El Hueso knew it was coming, and just enough presence of mind to grab onto the ledge. Leaving him dangling over the brawl below. That said, Ratigan might not be smart–we lie, he’s definitely not smart–but he’s just cagey enough to do the same, grabbing onto the infills and hanging over the edge right next to the luchador.
T.J. Ratigan: Thanks for nothin’, RICHARDweasel!
He attempts to kick El Hueso, but he’s not very well versed in sky combat and his form is terrible. El Hueso, on the other hand, rocks back and forth to build momentum, then swings back with a kick to Ratigan’s chest! Ratigan loses his grip and drops to the floor.
T.J. Ratigan: Oof!
He slowly gets back up…and finds himself face-to-face with the law. Sheriff Timo stares him down, but to his credit, Ratigan is staring back without fear or remorse.
At least, until El Hueso drops on top of both of them from his vantage point.
El Hueso: AHHHHHHHHH!
Which is what happens.
El Hueso: I win!
The massive brawl that had congealed in the area starts to break up and spread out over the right side of the hall. Rob Sharpe and Butcher X move to the left and get involved in the nonsense over there.
The kitchen doors suddenly swing open, and a whooooooole lotta beef comes through. Parkinson and Stubbs lead the way, brawling wildly with fists and utensils. Next is Beans McGee, who tries to help his tag team partner but trips over El Hijo del Papel Higienico, who’d only just started to get up.
Finally, and with much flair, Leroy Scrumptious steps through, carrying a tray full of food. Pancakes with fruit compote and syrup, eggs over easy, hash browns, bacon. It may be breakfast food, but the Lunch Lawyer still looks very pleased.
Scrumptious spins around Coral Avalon and Rob Sharpe, ducks beneath a clothesline from Johnny Dorn, and kicks Aardvark Mask Jr. in the chest to fend him off. Gavin Yum is practically bouncing up and down in his seat as his meal approaches.
And then, moments before it arrives…Sir Loin steps in, swinging his arm down against the edge of the tray, catapulting (NOT skunk-a-pulting) the meal flying through the air.
Gavin grabs at the pancakes as they sail over his head. Much like the cursed Tantalus, he is forever unable to reach them. They land on the ground, as do the bacon strips. The hash browns splatter harmlessly off of Representative Butcher X’s smock. The eggs, on the other hand, head right for Quinn Fleetwood and splatter yolk all over his face.
Quinn Fleetwood: Aaah!
Naturally, a lot of people are enraged. Quinn, because his face is a mess and he can’t see. The kitchen crew, because they worked hard on that. But no one is more furious than Lord Gavin Yum himself.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: You improper gang of mushrooms! I was looking forward to that!
The Lunch Lawyer springs to his feet, adjusts his tie, and kicks Sir Loin, right in the beef tips.
Back in the poker room.
Garry Bolamba bounces back and forth between Rory Hayes and El Cocodrilo, ill-gotten poker chips flying out of his shirt every time one of them hits him. But Rory gets a little too cocky after his last punch, which gives the Pride of Nelson County an opening. As he gets hit by El Cocodrilo again, Garry turns into the blow, spins around, and slaps Hayes hard enough to turn his cheek bright red. He whips around and delivers another slap that knocks El Cocodrilo’s mask slightly askew. Caught up in the moment, he even slaps the Homicycle, which does not react because it is an unfeeling demon from the darkest pits of hell with an unquenchable thirst for blood and misery.
And also, a bicycle.
Garry Bolamba: Yow!!
“Ray-Ray” clutches his hand, allowing the others to gang up on him–and gang they do. Hayes and El Cocodrilo hoist him up and put him through the poker table, sending cards and chips through the air like so much confetti.
The two men left standing turn and face each other. Rory Hayes immediately goes to mount the Homicycle.
El Cocodrilo immediately goes for the door. Moments later, Rory rides the Homicycle out after him, making sure to go over Garry’s legs as he does so.
Finally, Bolamba pushes himself back up…and starts gathering the poker chips again.
The area near the kitchen has descended even further into chaos; Gavin Yum is trying to force-feed Sir Loin a handful of hash browns, Quinn Fleetwood finds himself on the wrong end of Hambone’s spatulas, and Leroy Scrumptious easily tosses Ignacio el Jaguar through the air.
El Hijo del Papel Higienico stands up again, though he’s mostly aided by Beans McGee…and that’s only to set him up for a Russian leg sweep, with Porky Stubbs charging in with a devastating lariat.
Come an’ Get It, kid.
Once Papel has Gotten It, Pork & Beans pull him up from the floor and carry him across the room. While Beans takes up a defensive position, Stubbs tosses him out the door.
EL HIJO DEL PAPEL HIGIENICO ELIMINATED by Bubba Stubbs (12:44)
Surf Express Bro take advantage of Pork & Beans’ location by splitting off from the fight with Ivan to brawl with them. Earl Bradley and Melissa Talamantez work over Ivan’s midsection with punches, while Sarah Vaughn has climbed up on Stanislav’s back to bite his ear.
Up on the balcony, Tsukino and Takuragi have finally got their hands on each other, attacking with such fervor and malice that it makes everyone else up there a little uncomfortable. Pedro Gonzales scampers down the stairs, but he’s followed down by Samson Dynamite.
Sasha Loveless tries using her whip on Brock Rockheave, but he catches the whip on his arm, pulls her in, and powerslams her right onto the wood.
Ria Lockhart is brawling with Eric Evans, while Leyenda de Ocho and Roosevelt Black team up against Powerslam Anubis. Meanwhile, Anna Daniels is defending what’s left of her sales table from Jezebel Jinx. Jezebel catches Anna with a stiff elbow, and Daniels spins around…but that’s just a ruse from the Muse, as Anna leans into the momentum, spins through, and lashes out with a devastating spin kick.
Jezebel staggers backwards, bumping into Roosevelt Black and sending them both crashing to the ground, just as the President was about to get leveled with a huge lariat from a certain Egyptian god of judgment and powerslams.
After a moment, Jinx looks at Rosie and smiles.
Jezebel Jinx: Maybe this is the concussion talking, but you’re both really cute.
Roosevelt Black: …what?
She shakes her head, allowing her vision to clear.
Jezebel Jinx: Oh, there’s just the one. Still cute though.
Of everyone in the foyer of the saloon, one has conspicuously few attackers trying to oust him. Organ Donor, the command bleeder of LUCHA ESPECIAL 1, stands tending his cooler filled with what one can only assume are organs for donation. Or maybe it’s something more sinister within? No one knows for sure. But he is dithering about. However, there is one competitor with a thirst for yeeting who spies him.
Ivan Stanislav: DYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Having finally shook off the annoying gnats that surrounded him, the Russian Bear stomps over, looming large over the sanguine luchador. Ivan grabs him by the scruff of his neck, and with his loudest “DYAH-HA-HA” to date, throws him in the air to deliver a devastating Iron Curtain.
Organ Donor flies through the air out of the saloon door, but not before spraying everyone within a 20-foot radius of him in the blood released from the impact of the lariat.
Ivan Stanislav: Alexei Gregorovich will not appreciate handling the dry cleaning from this mess.
ORGAN DONOR ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (13:49)
Mr. Gas narrowly avoids a fight with Mestizo (that lil dude is freaky), and makes his way to the other side of the bar. Steve McMillan fights with Earl Bradley. Ultratron-6.1 and Angel Quinley, no longer content to keep their fight behind the bar, have climbed on top of it. The Wanderer swings at Aardvark Mask Jr., who ducks and catches the Nightmare From Nowhere with an Exploder suplex. Bowie Abrams and Bradlee Nelson whip Porky Stubbs into another part of the fight, but when Beans McGee tries to follow, he’s met with a double superkick.
Meanwhile, Quinn Fleetwood is feeling himself.
Not like that. Ew.
The self-proclaimed villain of Gray’s Academy chops anyone and everyone in his way. Quinn Fleetwood doesn’t care who he antagonizes because he truly believes in this moment, his fecal discharge does not have a foul odor. In the chaos of the battle, his targets are not able to fight him back. Except for one.
Mr. Gas, everyone’s favorite gas station attendant, scowls at the brash son of Gray’s legal counsel. He rolls up his sleeves and cocks his fists.
Quinn Fleetwood: Pfft, lookit this nerd, thinkin’ he’s gonna…
Mr. Gas lands a stiff right to Fleetwood’s jaw.
Quinn Fleetwood: Oh, you wanna play, huh, old-timer?
Fleetwood throws a right of his own, as the two trade haymakers. The intensity ramps up more and more as Fleetwood’s disdain for Gas’ retro chic and Gas’ utter rejection of Fleetwood’s toxic personality cause them to become a hurricane of fists, rising into the intense entanglement of Don Frye and Yoshihiro Takayama. They reach the doors of the saloon. An especially stiff right cross from Quinn leaves Mr. Gas reeling. Now’s Fleetwood’s chance. He charges in at Mr. Gas, but at the last minute, he dodges.
Quinn Fleetwood crashes right through the swinging saloon doors, tumbling around in the process and landing right on his ass.
QUINN FLEETWOOD ELIMINATED by Mr. Gas (14:34)
Luke Robinson has moved closer to the stage in order to thin out the herd in his current fight, but he picks up Leroy Scrumptious on the way. They’ve fought their way over to the window, where the Hot Buttered One (and who doesn’t love those) tries to force “The Look” through the already-broken window. Ria Lockhart comes up from behind and tries to lift them both out…but Leroy is a big boi and that ain’t gonna work.
Having collectively decided that Ivan Stanislav is now someone else’s problem, Earl Bradley and Melissa Talamantez start fighting. Sarah Vaughn isn’t ready to give up on the previous problem, and she grabs a chair and smashes it over Ivan’s back. He looks more annoyed than anything else.
Andrew Mitchell and Dr. Marmalade leave the room they were in, having destroyed all the available furniture. Andrew has a cut over his eye; Marmalade is walking with a limp; both men are hitting each other with what used to be a bed frame.
Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba also finally joins the fray, stray poker chips slipping out of his shirt. He gets about five steps before he’s met with a sudden kick from El Cocodrilo, sending the rest of the chips spraying everywhere like they were Organ Donor’s blood.
The Surf Express Bros’ strategy of divide-and-conquer has met with some resistance so far, but they finally have Beans McGee cornered. They take turns cracking the army line cook across the chest with open hand slaps. Beans holds his chest, trying to catch his breath, but the chops keep coming.
Beans flares his nostrils out and gives his loudest “OOH-RAH!” He didn’t survive slipping on spillover from the icebox and the fracas in the kitchen just to let a couple of damn hippies wail on him. He comes to life, swatting away Bowie’s hand first and then grabbing Bradlee’s, landing a huge thudding headbutt. The Bros reel back, but not before Beans charges in with a double lariat. He scoops up Bowie Abrams, looking to dump him out of the saloon. However…
Bradlee Nelson comes in at the last second with a spittoon across the back of Beans’ head! He bides time with chops to Beans’ chest before Bowie comes to, and then with swift synchronized motion, they launch picture-perfect dropkicks in stereo, sending Beans stumbling back through the swinging doors.
BEANS MCGEE ELIMINATED by Bowie Abrams and Bradlee Nelson (15:16)
They can’t celebrate too long because right out of nowhere, it’s Machine Gun Carnegie and Babyface Vanderbilt! They grab Nelson by his scruff and throw him out of the saloon!
BRADLEE NELSON ELIMINATED by Babyface Vanderbilt (15:23)
Bowie Abrams now must fight the same odds he and Nelson put on Beans McGee.
Mr. Gas walks back across the hall, drawn into a fight with Maggot and Isabel Garza. Leyenda de Ocho and Roosevelt Black trade blows, while Eric Evans tries to help Lockhart eliminate Robinson and Scrumptious–still without success.
Brock Rockheave and Sasha Loveless brawl in the stairwell, while Samson Dynamite rams Pedro Gonzales into the wall. Persona Non Grata levels a series of brutal strikes at Coral Avalon, no doubt in revenge for last year’s Flynn Cup. Ignacio el Jaguar saves his mentor with a surprise German Suplex.
As Grillbreast brawls with Porky Stubbs, Johnny Dorn sees an opening. He grabs a spittoon from the floor, hocks a great big loogie in it, then puts it over Chick’s head.
CHICK GRILLBREAST: FLUIDS?! UNSANITARY AND MIGHT HAVE CARBS! THIS MAKES ME AAAAANNNNNNNGRRRRYYYYYY!!!
He swings wildly but blindly, and nobody is foolish enough to get caught in his path. Sir Loin grabs a chair and smashes it over Chick’s back, dropping him to the floor.
Mr. Gas, sleeves still rolled up from doing the world a favor and making sure Quinn Fleetwood did not win the 2023 Madhouse, looks around the fray, searching for a new fight for old school justice to engage in. He turns to the stage and the piano, to the bar, all around the tables. But then when he turns to the balcony, he sees it, or more accurately, her.
La Loca Provocativa: (flying from the balcony) AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
In one fluid motion, the mysterious luchadora wrangles the Gas Man by the head and swings him down to the floor with a tornado DDT. Mr. Gas pops up comedically before falling gut first onto the table. La Loca picks him up and attempts to throw him out of the saloon, but with one last gasp, Mr. Gas uses her own momentum against her and throws her towards the swinging doors.
However, he doesn’t bank on La Loca being a lucha libre savant. She jumps with the momentum given to her, somersaults off the door frame with impossible lightness on her feet, and with a broad shove, sends Mr. Gas out of the match and back to his own time, which given the settings of the Madhouse, is about 70 years into the future.
- GAS ELIMINATED by La Loca Provocativa (16:06)
No sooner have Rockheave and Loveless made it to the ground floor than the last remaining balcony brawl reaches its tipping point. As in, Sakuragi has set Tsukino on the railing and is preparing to knock her off with a lariat. When Taka swings his arm, Riko grabs it, and pulls him over with her!
Hawkeye and the Iron Idol tumble over the railing, landing on the crowd below and scattering them like tenpins. Some of the victims manage to get up quickly and keep fighting; many do not.
This whole time, Randall Schwartz has been rolling in wide circles around the room in order to stay away from people, but also that’s about all he can do in a wheelchair when he only has one good arm. Eventually this will put him in trouble’s path, if by “trouble” you mean “Powerslam Anubis.”
Randall Schwartz: Aaaaiiiiiiieeee!
As the God of Judgment stalks him, Schwartz rolls away once more, somehow weaving his way through all the other brawls happening. He avoids a beer bottle thrown by Ultratron-6.1, misses a wild clothesline thrown by a blinded Chick Grillbreast, and stops just short of Timo Bolamba trading punches with Samson Dynamite.
Sensing that the balcony is now a safe haven, Schwartz stands up out of the wheelchair, carries it up the stairs, then sits back down.
Don’t look at me like that. If you expected anything to make sense in this match, that’s your own damn fault.
Randall’s not out of the woods yet, so he rolls as fast as he can to the last room. He’s just about there when–
Two very large and angry men reduce the door to splinters. Brandon Youngblood and Magnus Destructo have joined the battle at large.
With another scream, Randall backs away, turns into the next room, and closes the door behind him.
At last, safety.
This is perfect. He can wait things out in here, then make his move. He just had to be…
Randall Schwartz turns around in time to see something fly through the window. Three somethings, in fact. Small black rodents with white stripes running the length of their backs. They’re all wearing little helmets, which are also black with a white stripe.
One of them lands on the bed; another hits the floor and skids to a halt. The third lands right in Randall’s lap.
The Entertainer has learned that the Madhouse levies a stiff penalty for cowardice, and its name is the Skunk-A-Pult.
Two of the skunks raise their hind legs and take aim.
RANDALL SCHWARTZ: AaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHH–
Schwartz wheels out of the room with speed, narrowly escaping the spray. The one in his lap does not appear threatened, and actually seems to be enjoying itself.
Rob Sharpe and Porky Stubbs brawl across the room. Stubbs may be younger, bigger, and stronger, but Sharpe has a lifetime of experience–both at wrestling, and being absolutely ruthless. When punches don’t work, he’s more than happy to use a chair, or a thumb, or a kick to the ol’ nads.
They come close to the door, almost interrupting the fight between the Robber Barons and Bowie Abrams. Sharpe does stop to grab Chico Super Genial, as if “beat someone to death with a mannequin” was on his bucket list.
The Denominator and El Temblor trade blows, their eternal war rekindled. They engage in a wild flurry of fists, fighting with the vim and vigor of men half their age. McMillan first tries to get his hands up to block, but he starts punching back. It’s a wild bar brawl the likes of which would have rocked the average saloon in the 1880s. The flurry of punching brings them close to the door. Sensing an elimination could be near, Temblor rocks McMillan in the gut with an uppercut before looking him straight in the eyes.
El Temblor: EL TEMBLOR AVENGES YOUR TREACHERY!
He winds up and clocks the Denominator in his face, sending him stumbling back out of the saloon.
STEVE MCMILLAN ELIMINATED by El Temblor (16:51)
Some more stirring underneath the balcony. Kensuke BLACK stands with his foot on T.J. Ratigan’s neck, who flails his arms and legs in a weak attempt at escape. Lord Kurosame-sama stalks a new target, Lord Gavin Yum, but gets a thumb to the eye for his troubles.
Youngblood and Magnus Destructo are still fighting; they’ve quickly decided that they don’t want to be on the balcony anymore, and everyone else is getting the hell out of the way.
Near the stage, Luke Robinson and Anna Daniels are now teaming up against Jezebel Jinx and Roosevelt Black, while Ria Lockhart works over Shoko Nabigata, who had just found her way to the area. Eric Evans is dealing with Powerslam Anubis, but not terribly well.
Leyenda de Ocho, meanwhile, has been in motion ever since the upstairs door broke open. Much like El Temblor and Steve McMillan, he senses the presence of his old enemy. He takes a position, fights off a few people, and waits.
The moment Brandon Youngblood and Magnus Destructo reach the floor, he starts running. He dodges a mighty blow from Ivan Stanislav, steps on a chair, vaults onto a table, and leaps at Magnus Destructo.
Too bad Brandon Youngblood is in the way.
Leyenda de Ocho: ¡Magnus, viene tu muerte!
Does Youngblood know Spanish? I don’t know; you’ll have to ask him. But he does know what to do when someone behind him is yelling in Spanish.
Leyenda de Ocho sails over Brandon and connects with Magnus, driving the monstrous man back-first onto the stairs. Leyenda wastes no time in raining fists down into Magnus Destructo’s face.
Bowie Abrams has proven too stalwart to eliminate at the moment, so the Robber Barons do the next best thing and lay him out with their tandem finishing move, Highway Robbery.
Babyface Vanderbilt: What shall we do next, old pal?
Machine Gun Carnegie: How about we rid this match of Communism, eh?
Their sights turn to the massive hulking chunk of humanity known as Ivan Stanislav.
Machine Gun Carnegie: Reach for the sky, Bolshevik!
Ivan Stanislav: You dare threaten the Russian Bear? DYA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
As Ivan laughs, the two criminal capitalists simultaneously kick him in the knees, bringing him to the floor. As he rises to a kneeling position, Carnegie and Vanderbilt nail him with a low DDT. They laugh and celebrate at the apparent vanquishing of the Russian Bear.
Machine Gun Carnegie: Put ‘er there, old chum!
Babyface Vanderbilt: You said it!
As they laugh and shake hands, Stanislav rises to his feet with an unsettling smile on his face.
Ivan Stanislav: Dya. Ha. Ha.
Machine Gun Carnegie and Babyface Vanderbilt: (simultaneously) *GULP*
Ivan clobbers both men with his meaty arms, lariating them to the floor. With effortless deftness, he picks them both up by the scruffs of their necks.
Ivan Stanislav: DEATH TO CAPITALISM, DYAA-HA-HA-HA!
He carries them over to the saloon door and tosses them out simultaneously.
BABYFACE VANDERBILT ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (18:49)
MACHINE GUN CARNEGIE ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (18:49)
Over at the bar…well, it’s a big damn mess. But standing above this mess are Ultratron-6.1 and Angel Quinley. Angel is flagging, though, and Ultratron quickly assesses the situation with computer-like speed and precision. Because he absolutely is a robot.
Ultratron-6.1: Execute subroutine: destruction!
He boots Quinley in the gut, lifts her up, and piledrives her right into the bar! Quinley slumps to the surface, then slowly rolls off behind the bar. His foe temporarily vanquished, Ultratron dives at the Wanderer.
Nearby, Representative Butcher X tries to chokeslam Coral Avalon, but he’s immediately beset by Gavin Yum and Ignacio el Jaguar. Bex Savage goes after whoever happens to be closest, and it’s tough to tell who that is at any moment. We’d have to measure, but as has been pointed out many times, math is dead.
“Electric” Eric Evans decides he needs an advantage, and a nearby stack of barrels look like a very tempting target. He grabs one, which proves to be empty, and throws it at Powerslam Anubis. For the first time, the mighty God of Judgment is felled. Evans tries to grab another…but this one is full, and he nearly throws his back out.
La Loca Provocativa and Maggot have squared off, but that leaves La Loca open for an ambush from Isabel Garza in the form of a sleeper hold. Maggot uses the opportunity to punch La Loca a few times, then walk over to pick a fight with Pedro Gonazales. Before he can get there, Andrew Mitchell steps in with a boot to the gut, followed by an axe kick that drops Maggot straight to the floor. That guy’s lights are so far out that he might as well be Amish now.
Rob Sharpe picks up Chico Super Genial and, with a mighty swing, shatters it over Porky Stubbs’ back. The big man falls to the floor, giving Sharpe the chance to throw the pieces of Chico out the window.
CHICO SUPER GENIAL ELIMI–
The hell was that?
Over at the balcony, Magnus Destructo is leaning against one of the support posts, which now sports a very large crack. It looks like he’d been trying to spear Leyenda de Ocho through it, but the luchador moved out of the way at the last second, and Magnus drove his shoulder right into the heavy wooden beam.
The noise draws the attention of the whole room, allowing Porky Stubbs to trip up Rob Sharpe and start laying into him with big, meaty fists.
Jimmy Donovan tries to fight off T.J. Ratigan, but he still has his hands tied behind his back, making it a lot tougher. Fortunately Samson Dynamite interferes, leveling Ratigan with a clothesline to the back.
In the fracas, QT “The Rock” Reese backs up, doing everything in his power to keep the action in front of him. As he does, he bumps back to back with somebody else. Reese whips around to meet whoever this may be.
QT Reese: Watch where you’re going, jabroni!
The person he’s decided to smart off to is one Bex “Ripper” Savage! She doesn’t seem to take to kindly to QT’s greeting.
Bex Savage: The hell did you call me, you little prick?!
Reese, despite giving up two inches in height to Savage, bows his chest out and raises an eyebrow.
QT Reese: The Rock says–
Before Reese can go into the full spiel, Bex hammers him with the Bakebrainer elbow! She drags the near unconscious Reese to his feet, pulling him towards a door. With one hand on the collar of his shirt and the other gripping his belt, QT is unceremoniously chucked out the entrance by Savage!
QT REESE ELIMINATED by Bex Savage (20:07)
Randall Schwartz starts screaming again, this time being chased by another wheeled menace–the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle, with Rory Hayes still in command. Kensuke BLACK drives his elbow into Mestizo’s face, which works until the little hairball starts biting it.
Powerslam Anubis has regained his footing, and now stalks Eric Evans so that he can pass judgment. That judgment comes in the form of a backbreaker, which is the traditional punishment for throwing a barrel at a god. Satisfied, Anubis goes back to the piano.
Jezebel Jinx is getting overwhelmed, and scampers back on stage to escape her current fight. Luke Robinson gives chase, but slips while giving chase and ends up crotching himself on the edge of the stage.
Jezebel Jinx: Oooh…bad luck, old man.
She laughs at The Look’s misfortune…but not for long, as Robinson gets back up looking twice as determined–and angry. He’s followed by Ria Lockhart, and Jezebel soon decides it’s time to cede the high ground, as it were.
Chick Grillbreast staggers around blindly, unable to dislodge the spittoon from his head or find anyone to attack. Eventually he bumps into someone–specifically the Wanderer, who had been busy slamming Johnny Dorn’s head into the bar.
With a snarl, the Devil In Denim turns around, boots Chick in the gut, and DDTs him into the floor.
Aardvark Mask Jr. drives Gavin Yum to the floor and torques his arm with a Fujiwara armbar, but it’s soon broken up by stomps from Avalon and Ignacio. Dr. Marmalade fights off a waistlock from Talamantez, then goes behind with one of his own and quickly transitions into a lungblower. Sarah Vaughn claws at Bowie Abrams’ eyes; he desperately tries to push her away.
Still on the run from Lockhart and Robinson, Jezebel Jinx leaps from the stage to the stack of barrels, then to the top of the piano.
Powerslam Anubis: Mortal, you shall remove yourself from atop this instrument of the jangly keys so that I may once again treat these pitiful mortals to my divine talents!
Jinx puts her hands on her hips, leaning forward and glaring at Anubis.
Jezebel Jinx: Hey man, I’m sorry to tell you… But your playing sucks!
Anubis does not appreciate her feedback.
Powerslam Anubis: O woeful mortal, you have chosen the wrong critique on this day. Your punishment shall be most severe!
Anubis grabs JJ’s ankle, but she quickly responds with a punt to the face! The big man staggers back and Jinx decides to try to press her advantage. She leaps off the piano, looking to score with a hurricanrana!… Only to be easily caught.
Powerslam Anubis: Oh, we’s about to get some judgment up in here.
Anubis starts walking across the building. Jezebel does everything she can; wiggling, thrashing, any effort she can make to break free. Anubis gets a short running start and hurls Jinx forward, through the doors, with a powerbomb!
JEZEBEL JINX ELIMINATED by Powerslam Anubis (21:09)
Garry Bolamba staggers back up and starts brawling with Kensuke BLACK, while El Cocodrilo has moved on to El Hueso. LUCHA FIGHT! Taka Sakuragi and Isabel Garza try ganging up on Magnus Destructo, but he shoves them aside in order to keep up his pursuit of Leyenda de Ocho. Brandon Youngblood ends up in a shoving match with Brock Rockheave, while Samson Dynamite powerslams Sheriff Bolamba, then gives him a good kick to send him rolling to the middle of the bar.
Bex Savage catches a headbutt from Representative Butcher X and stumbles over to the bar, leaning on it for support. Sliding up next to her is Dr. Marmalade. He props an elbow on the bar and flashes a grin directed at Bex.
Dr. Marmalade: What’s a tall drink of water like you doing in a place like this?
Bex glares at Marmalade.
Bex Savage: Hey! Barkeep! Gimme something hard!
Dr. Marmalade: No need to trouble her with that request. I can take care of it.
A hand appears from below the bar and gives Bex a bottle. It’s the hand of Angel Quinley, who is only just recovering from the piledriver she took earlier. Savage takes a healthy drink, then smashes it over Dr. Marmalade’s head!
Bex Savage: Yeah, gonna need another one of those.
Bex grabs the Doc by the hair and drags him across the bar to the window. She takes a few strides back before charging forward. Savage blasts Marmalade with a forceful dropkick, sending him crashing through!
- MARMALADE ELIMINATED by Bex Savage (21:46)
Sir Loin slaps the sides of the spittoon that’s still stuck on Chick’s head, disorienting him further with every strike. Sarah Vaughn charges at Melissa Talamantez and gets back dropped, flying all the way over Earl Bradley in the process. Ignacio el Jaguar gets caught in a chokehold by Johnny Dorn, but he’s quickly freed by his fellow Crownless Kingdom cohorts.
Among the din of the saloon, even with eliminations already happening, there’s still so much confusion. People throwing fists wantonly into the air, an orgy of violence and carnage and, well, nonsense still raging in the trappings of the Old West. So when Earl “The Tank” Bradley and Timo Bolamba, the Samoan Silencer, bump into each other, back-to-back, while both walking backwards away from various frays, it should come as no surprise to anyone. As they both turn around, startled by their chance meeting, they put up fists, engaging the fight part of “fight-or-flight.”
Timo Bolamba: Well, no sense in beating around the bush…
The senior official of PRIME and LUCHA ESPECIAL throws his fists wantonly at the much larger Bradley, who shrugs them off and answers with a massive headbutt. However, there are few rules harder and faster in wrestling than the one Bradley just violated.
Never headbutt a Samoan.
Bolamba’s eyes light up like the tree on Christmas morning. He shouts at the top of his lungs and begins to pepper the big man’s chest with shotei after shotei, staggering him back. Bradley collects himself and winds up to punch Bolamba, but the Silencer notices and quickly grabs the nearest thing, a wooden chair.
The force of Timo’s swing shatters the chair on the hulking frame of the Tank, staggering him back until he’s close enough to the door that one final blow would put him out. Timo winds up and lands a spinning heel kick that sends the Tank out the door and out of the match.
EARL BRADLEY ELIMINATED by Timo Bolamba (22:23)
Persona Non Grata, tired of being thwarted in his attempts to dismantle any one member of the Crownless Kingdom, calls to his teammates in Los Rebeldes del Bien. Pedro Gonzales and Mestizo fight their way through the swarm, then pull PNG out of Coral Avalon’s clutches. They face off against Avalon, Yum, and Ignacio, and level them with a trio of dropkicks.
Ivan Stanislav grabs one of the smaller tables and throws it in a random direction. Melissa Talamantez was standing in a random direction, so that’s unfortunate for her. Garry Bolamba drops Kensuke BLACK with a devastating slap. Samson Dynamite isn’t quite the accomplished YEETer on the level of Stanislav, but he makes a pretty good effort while tossing Maggot across the hall. The disgusting old man crumples in a heap and rolls to a stop by the bar.
Meanwhile, Sir Loin continues taunting Chick Grillbreast as he backs up toward the door.
Sir Loin: Come on, dummy! This way!
Chick swings again, but Sir Loin easily dodges. Unaware that he’s being led toward elimination, Grillbreast tries to follow Sir Loin’s voice.
Sir Loin: Eating chicken makes you weak!
Chick Grillbreast: GGRRRRAAAAAAAAHHH!
Grillbreast charges at where he thinks Sir Loin is, but the Big Beef steps aside and tries to push him out the door.
Bit of a snag, though. Chick is blind, remember, and his aim isn’t that good. So he veers off to the side…and even though Loin tries to guide him, Chick runs right headfirst into the door frame.
His head ricochets backwards, and…and since Sir Loin was standing right behind him, Chick ends up driving the spittoon into Loin’s face with a heavy bonk.
Grillbreast then grabs Loin by the arm and Irish whips him right into the other side of the door frame, where he careens outside.
SIR LOIN ELIMINATED by Chick Grillbreast (23:07)
Anna Daniels lays into Roosevelt Black with some heavy punches, but Rosie fires right back. Eric Evans has finally dislodged one of the full barrels from the stack and rolls it right toward Powerslam Anubis, who stops it but not before it knocks him down. Randall Schwartz careens through the bar yet again, but has just enough wherewithal to punch Aardvark Mask Jr. in the dingus as he rolls by.
Yes, we’re using medical terms.
Meanwhile, Lord Kurosame-sama is out here handing out overhead karate chops to everyone he comes across.
Lord Kurosame-sama: Shark!
Rob Sharpe takes it in the face and goes down. Lord Kurosame-sama turns and hits his next victim.
Lord Kurosame-sama: Shark!
This time, it’s Samson Dynamite who takes the hit, and he gets turned aside by the blow as Lord Kurosame-sama goes for his next victim.
Lord Kurosame-sama: Shark!
Ivan Stanislav stands there completely baffled over what the weird shark man just tried to do to him. He’s almost not even sure he should do anything, and Ivan is usually pretty sure about the things he does. For his part, Lord Kurosame-sama doesn’t even seem to notice who exactly he hit, and he’s already off looking for his next victim. He finds one.
Lord Kurosame-sama: Sha- BLARGH!
That sound is Taka Sakuragi hitting him so hard with a kick that he actually shouts the word “BLARGH!” as though that’s a thing to do when you’re kicked in the face. Sakuragi looks down at the fallen deputy shark with a sneer on his face, and then quite literally starts kicking him out of the saloon. It’s very mean. He’s a mean man.
The shark is kicked all the way to the doors, but he manages to get up to his knees and smack Sakuragi with an open palm that… doesn’t really do anything to deter him. Instead, Sakuragi grabs him by the wrists and rips an Iron Sight knee into his face that sends the shark out of the saloon.
LORD KUROSAME-SAMA ELIMINATED by Taka Sakuragi (23:52)
Powerslam Anubis walks towards Leroy Scrumptious and Anna Daniels, but before he gets there, Ria Lockhart climbs up his back…then leaps off his shoulders, taking out Leroy Scrumptious with a dropkick. Luke Robinson trips Roosevelt Black and grabs his legs, then swings him around in a circle. When he lets go, Rosie goes skidding across the floor. Representative Butcher X delivers a series of meaty palm strikes to the chests of anyone foolish enough to come near him.
The saloon shakes. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Godzilla” begins to play on the piano. Nobody knows who’s doing it–it can’t be Powerslam Anubis, because it actually sounds like the song. No one knows why it’s happening until they see it.
Brock Rockheave and Magnus Destructo have locked eyes.
The two most vicious and instinctively-set-on-destruction men in the match approach each other with the furious anticipation of a kaiju battle on the big screen. Everyone in the saloon, and I mean everyone, has stopped to pay attention to this clash of titans.
Rockheave strikes first with a brutal standing lariat that knocks Magnus back a few steps. Undeterred, the colossal destroyer steps forward and delivers a massive forearm to Rockheave. The two continue to trade shots as the saloon shakes on its foundations, eyes rapt upon the titans doing mortal battle in the middle of an old-timey watering hole. They charge into each other, bashing their chests together like elephant seals trying to impress a potential mate. Those left in the match quake in their footwear as they know once they are finished with each other, they’re next.
Rockheave decides he wants to finish the job, so he winds up and shouts primally indicating his finish is nigh.
Brock Rockheave: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
I would like to say that Magnus Destructo deftly and nimbly ducks under the oncoming lariat and counters with a crucifix takedown that redefines pro wrestling as an artform, a sport, and a combat medium. However, that would be a lie because Magnus Destructo does not know how to leave his feet to do offense. He only knows how to CRUSH! AHAHAHAHAAH.
He absorbs the lariat, using all the strength of the Norse pantheon before placing both hands around Brock’s throat. As spittle forms in the mouth of Brock Rockheave, his face turning red, Magnus looks him in the eye and lets out a primal scream of his own before throwing him through the saloon doors. Everyone who was watching gasps first before turning around, hoping Magnus Destructo doesn’t make them his next victim.
BROCK ROCKHEAVE ELIMINATED by Magnus Destructo (24:38)
With a little bit of elbow grease, Gavin Yum and Angel Quinley finally get the spittoon off of Grillbreast’s head. His face is soiled with all manner of expectorations, tobacco juice, and who knows what other kinds of yecch.
Lord Gavin Yum: You poor man. Here, let me take a look.
He gets in close to inspect Chick’s eye, ostensibly so he can help the big man clear it out.
But actually, so he can poke it.
Grillbreast clutches at his eye and turns around, only to find Wrigleyville’s Finest waiting for him…with another poke in the eye.
Then, the process repeats. Poke, poke, poke, poke.
Chick Grillbreast: STOP THAT! THAT MAKES ME SOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Even though he can barely see, Chick manages to grab both Dorn and Yum, then slams their heads together.
Chick Grillbreast: RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!
Riko Tsukino works over T.J. Ratigan, knocking him down with a knee lift to the jaw. All members of Los Rebeldes have mounted the Crownless Kingdom and are punishing them with strikes; Coral Avalon is able to free himself but the others can’t quite pull it off. Eric Evans grabs Anna Daniels from behind; Daniels fights the German Suplex attempt but can’t do anything about Roosevelt Black’s lariat.
Representative Butcher X’s gladhanding, which is more like slapping the chests and backs of people until he became glad, made him several enemies around the saloon. One of them has come screaming from his backside, leaping in the air to jump on his back.
Roosevelt Black: AYEEEEEE!!
One-half of the fresh-faced team Black and Tani has his arms wrapped tightly around the deathmatch wrestler-turned-politician’s neck, attempting to wear him down, caring not which scabs or old bandages her skin makes contact with. Screeching like a bird, or like a Flying Squirrel-performing Rocky DeLeon, Black grinds the massive mountain of a man down to his knees. He dismounts, looking to put the finishing touches on the big man. He lines up a kick and it looks like it’s just about to hit the mark true, but…
The big man catches his foot and corrals him into powerbomb position, looking to send him out of the saloon the hard way. As he stalks over to the door, Roosevelt has to think fast. Luckily for him, there’s an easy counter to a powerbomb for a wrestler as aerially inclined as he is.
Huracanrana time, baby.
In desperation, Black pops his hips and shifts his weight down, hoping to God that he’s got enough weight on his frame to send the Butcher out the door instead of him. With one last jerk of his thigh muscles, he’s able to get enough torque to launch all 400 lbs. of the skeevy deathmatch civil servant towards the door. With a crash, he barrels through the swinging doors and hits the street outside with a thud.
REPRESENTATIVE BUTCHER X ELIMINATED by Roosevelt Black (25:39)
Porky Stubbs picks a fight with Ivan Stanislav, which ends with Porky getting slammed onto one of the tables. Amazingly, it doesn’t break; surely this particular table was made in Novosibirsk. Persona Non Grata drags Ignacio el Jaguar to the opposite side of the bar, trying to weaken the Kingdom’s stronghold near the bar. Shoko Nabigata throws a heavy kick to the chest of Anna Daniels; the Muse fires back with one of her own.
Oh that Sasha Loveless was going to pay if ol’ Cowboy Jimmy ever got them restraints offa his wrists. Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. Jimmy likes a little light BDSM every once in awhile. He even pays extra for it when he’s feelin’ frisky at the White Pines County Deluxe Brothel. But in the confines of a ‘rasslin’ affair?
Jesus Christ, why am I talking like the narrator from The Dukes of Hazzard? Fuck.
Anyway, Jimmy’s hands are quite literally still tied, which has hampered his ability to do anything of note in the match other than survive. But he’s survived long enough to encounter a man sleeping in the corner opposite the edge of the bar abutting the wall.
Jimmy Donovan: PEEE-YUUUUU, you done smell like a varmint what’s been done in by a motor vehicle on the side of US 50 in White Pine County.
He kicks the body to see if he’s still alive. No response. Any normal man would leave the possible corpse alone, but not Jimmy Donovan. He kicks the huddled body again, this time, much harder.
The One Man Mafia shoots to his feet, disoriented and quite incensed that his nap was interrupted, spots the man who woke him from his slumber. With bloodshot eyes and spittle at both corners of his mouth, Maggot charges at Jimmy, whose only reaction at this point, given his hands are still tied behind his back, is to run. And run he does. The only thing missing from the chase is “Yackety Sax” playing in the background. Maggot chases Jimmy into the kitchen, up the stairs, across the stage, dodging other fighters, weaving around tables. Finally, the One Man Mafia, with an almost rabid look about him, corners the Cowboy right in front of the door. He charges in with a clothesline, but Jimmy does the only thing he knows to do in that situation.
He hits the deck.
Maggot goes crashing through the double swinging doors, and finally, Jimmy Donovan is free from his chase. Except now with his hands tied behind his back, he can’t get up.
Jimmy Donovan: Uh, a little help here?
MAGGOT ELIMINATED by Jimmy Donovan (26:26)
Jimmy Donovan does get the “little help” he asked for, in the form of Sarah Vaughn and Rob Sharpe kicking him in the chest. Little help, indeed.
Magnus Destructo has turned the tide against his long-time adversary, clubbing Leyenda de Ocho half to death and back with his mighty forearms. Luke Robinson kicks Powerslam Anubis in the face, forcing the God of Judgment to one knee…and allowing Ria Lockhart to drive him to the floor with a surprise bulldog. Ignacio gets grabbed from behind by Jimmy Dorn, but flips him over with an arm drag and then follows with an elbow drop.
Deputy Talamantez and El Temblor are brawling in the center of the hall, but it’s not going well for the young law-woman. She might have the size, strength, and youth advantage, but El Temblor is a sneaky bastard…and also, just a bastard.
El Temblor forces her back with a flurry of illegal offense. Thumb to the eye. Strike to the throat. Boxing the ears. Before long, Melissa is leaning against the wall with a big hole where there used to be a window.
Looking to finish off the second-generation wrestler, El Temblor charges in with a cross-body.
Couple of problems there.
First, El Temblor is…pretty old. With age comes wisdom, but not speed, so Talamantez has plenty of time to recover before he gets there.
Second, is that they’re about the same size, which makes it harder for Temblor to overpower her. Sure enough, as soon as he launches off of his feet, Melissa Talamantez lowers her arms to catch him, then launches him out the window with a fallaway slam.
El Temblor: EL TEMBLOR WILL REMEMBER YOUR TREACHERYYYYYYYYYYYYY…
EL TEMBLOR ELIMINATED by Melissa Talamantez (27:05)
The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine is running around the barroom, screaming his head off. Record Scratch. You’re probably wondering how he got in that situation. Well, it turns out he tried to pick a fight with an ewok-looking mf who has no qualms about biting anything they see, even if it is made up to look metallic. Mestizo has bitten down on metal before, and he will do it again after this event.
In fact, it’s almost impressive how hard a grip his teeth have with how long he’s been clamped onto Ultratron’s ass.
The murder machine tries sitting down on a chair, but that doesn’t release the grip of the small furry maybe-human. He tries slamming his ass against the wall, but that only loosens the grip of his teeth momentarily. He tries tapping out, but submissions are not recognized in The Madhouse. Why would they? Do you think the drunken amateur gladiators of the past cared if you gave up while they were destroying your skeletal system with a table leg? He even tried twerking. Someone somehow catches video of it, and it will eventually reach 1M views on YouTube by June 1.
Ultratron-6.1 does the only thing he thinks could work. He runs towards the doors. If he eliminates himself from the match, taking Mestizo with him, he might encounter someone who could shoot the small man with a tranq gun. He makes a break for the door. Freedom, sweet freedom. He breaks the plane, and suddenly, the literal pain in his ass is gone. Did someone shoot the small man with a tranq gun? Oh no. Mestizo let his clamp go right before Ultra-Tron ran through the door. The furry feral man stands at the door laughing hysterically as the robot man must now walk away, having been played by someone who might not be human.
ULTRATRON-6.1 ELIMINATED by Mestizo (27:35)
Chick Grillbreast tries to make up for lost time, hammering away at Ignacio el Jaguar. The other Rebeldes keep Avalon and Yum occupied, though a punch to the throat and a quick armbar at least gives Gavin the advantage over Gonzales. Talamantez and Parkinson have ganged up on Ivan Stanislav; he’s still fighting them off, though it’s obvious the length of the match has gotten to him.
Just a few feet away, “Rotten” T.J. Ratigan has his sights set on a particular competitor.
T.J. Ratigan: Hey, Loca! Bring that cute BRASS over here so I can grab it!
La Loca Provocativa: Bring your ugly ass over here so I can kick it!
Ratigan snarls and makes a move toward the young luchadora; she counters by driving her foot straight into the floor.
And wouldn’t you know it, one particular floorboard is loose. La Loca’s foot pushes one end down below floor level, causing the other end to rise up and split the uprights.
T.J. Ratigan: Ahhhh!
He staggers backwards, clutching his unmentionables (though really, most parts of Ratigan should not be mentioned.) He also bends over, allowing La Loca Provocativa to activate the lever again; this time it catches him in the face.
La Loca Provocativa: Cabrón.
Leyenda de Ocho and Magnus Destructo are beating the hell out of each other, but they get interrupted when Porky Stubbs barrels through them. They quickly throw him back in the direction he came from, then renew their fight. Sarah Vaughn has the metal ring from a broken barrel, and is trying to drive the edge into Roosevelt Black’s forehead. Powerslam Anubis has Luke Robinson over his shoulder; he tries to throw him toward the window, but the crafty veteran escapes and counters with a sleeper hold.
El Hueso stands in the middle of the barroom floor.
El Hueso: I win?
Guy behind him: Nope.
Hueso turns around to see the young luchador in the alligator mask behind him. El Cocodrilo, Grays’ resident lucha aficionado, lays into Hueso’s chest with chops, peppering him with lucha-on-lucha violence. Hueso steels himself and puffs his chest out.
El Hueso: Enough is enough! I WIN!
Hueso lunges forward with chops of his own, catching the crocodilian wrestler off balance. Cocodrilo needs to balance himself on a table to keep the onslaught from taking too much out of him, but Hueso, thinking about how cool it would be to go back to the office and talk about how he won a big wrestling match around the water cooler Monday… nah, sike, no one gathers around the water cooler anymore. Still, he feels an elimination in his grasp.
Cocodrilo deftly counters Hueso’s attempt at Sliced Bread #2 by throwing his attacker off midair. Hueso lands stumbling back dangerously towards the door. Cocodrilo finishes the job with a dropkick. Hueso careens back, crashing through the doors and landing on his caboose.
EL HUESO ELIMINATED by El Cocodrilo (28:39)
El Hueso: No win. *sigh*
A brawling mob has enveloped the Leyenda/Destructo feud, and now they find themselves also fighting with Samson Dynamite, Rob Sharpe, and Bowie Abrams. Eric Evans rams Anna Daniels’ head into the piano keys, while Riko Tsukino has the Wanderer pinned against the bar and punches him in the gut.
Kensuke BLACK spies the arena looking for another mark to suplex. If he was a coward, he would look for someone weak and easy to throw. Kensuke BLACK is not a coward. He is an alpha-type personality. But he is not the alpha in the match.
Sights set. Suplex Daddy engaged.
Picking a fight with Brandon Youngblood is something you do only if you hate him, you’re stupid, or you have hubris enough to think you can best him, which of course ties back to reason number two. BLACK has hubris, so he marches over to The Last Diamond, grabs him by his shoulder, and violently spins him around.
Kensuke BLACK: 私は王です !
Kensuke lays a big chop into Youngblood’s chest. The former (as of this writing, he’d not regained the title) Universal Champion scowled and returned one in kind. They chop each other until their chests are both beet red. Like we’re talking glowing red, red as the Blood Moon in Breath of the Wild or Tears of the Kingdom. Enough. Kensuke is ready to do the thing he came to do. He lands one last giant chop to Youngblood’s chest before going in for the Exploder.
The Tower of Babel does not budge.
Kensuke tries to lift him again, but Suplex Daddy continues to be greater than Uncle Suplex. The effort does not stop, but Youngblood keeps stonewalling him. Tiring of the charade, the Diamond shoves Kensuke back and then while stunned, he grabs him and throws him overhead with a beautiful belly-to-belly.
Brandon Youngblood: Tired of this shit.
Youngblood grabs Kensuke up by his hair, drags him over to the doors, and tosses him out, dusting his hands off after the deed is finished.
KENSUKE BLACK ELIMINATED by Brandon Youngblood (29:22)
Shoko Nabigata drags Johnny Dorn to the floor and drives one elbow after another into the top of his head. I mean, it’s the same elbow, she just does it multiple times. Anna Daniels has turned the tables on Evans and thrown him on top of the remaining barrels. Randall Schwartz rolls through the middle of the bar again, but this time a wheel slips in the pool of Organ Donor’s blood, and he goes spinning out of control toward the stage.
We’ll say this for Sarah Vaughn: she is absolutely fearless. And insane.
For proof, look no further than her attempt to drive the jagged end of a broken chair leg into Ivan Stanislav’s ribs. Ivan shoves her away roughly, but she tries again as soon as he’s distracted by someone else trying to fight him. This time she actually gets the point of her weapon into Ivan’s side. He shouts in pain, then gives her his undivided attention.
Ivan Stanislav: Хватит с тебя, дьяволица!
He grabs the chair leg from her, but that only gets him close enough so she can bite his hand. He winces (unless he’s watching this footage; in that case he absolutely does not; Ivan feels no pain ever please don’t hurt me) and shakes loose, then hoists “Switchblade” high over his head. He marches back toward the wall, keeping his arms locked in place while she flails madly at his head and elbows and whatever part she can see.
But before she can find any sort of purchase, he gives her a good solid YEET through a hole where there used to be a window.
SARAH VAUGHN ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (29:51)
Andrew Mitchell tries an axe kick on Bowie Abrams; the double-threat athlete (surfing AND wrestling!) catches it, trips Andrew to the ground, and catapults him into one of the support posts. Mitchell staggers backward, only to be suplexed back to the ground by Hambone Parkinson. Bowie then leg drops Mitchell, and gets back up just in time to superkick an encroaching Isabel Garza.
T.J. Ratigan had recovered just enough from his floorboard-based assault, and decided he needed a bit more time to recover, quickly ducking into one of the separate rooms.
Two madmen with a mad machine. The tray of the skunk-a-pult is full of furry little forest friends of the black-with-a-white-stripe variety.
Charles Beckett: Looks like we’ve got another runner!
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Hello, yes. The skunk-a-pult is loaded and ready to rain down odoriferous death upon the coward! SAY HIS NAME!
Charles Beckett: Looks like…Ratigan.
And in a flash, all of the loaded skunks suddenly unload themselves, scattering in every direction.
Charles Beckett: Huh. Can’t say I blame them.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: CURSE YOUR BETRAYAL! YOU ALL SIGNED THE WAIVER!
Jimmy Donovan is trying to cut through the ropes that bind his hands. At the moment, he’s using another one of those barrel rings. Los Rebeldes del Bien are still trying to separate Avalon and Yum, but Aardvark Mask Jr. levels Persona Non Grata with a spear. Garry Bolamba delivers a mighty slap to Hambone Parkinson; Parkinson returns the favor almost as well.
Bowie Abrams sends a knee into the face of Isabel Garza, pushing her into the corner of the main hall. She tries to fight back but Abrams’ larger size causes her to shrink back into the wall. Abrams uses the corner of the hall like a turnbuckle: he traps her in the corner and sends a huge forearm slap into her chest, then a forearm into her neck. He then rears back for what he thinks will be the knockout punch, but turns out not to be.
Garza moves, and Abrams’ fist meets the hard wall. Yelping in pain, he is helpless to stop Garza from shoving him into the wall and sending kicks to his thighs. He starts to crumble forward, but Garza doesn’t want to just hurt him, she wants him out of this Madhouse. She looks quickly and sees it: the window nearby. With a quick heave, she gets his legs up and aims him at the window. He gets stuck for a moment before she jumps and delivers a dropkick that causes him to crash to the outside, eliminating him.
BOWIE ABRAMS ELIMINATED by Isabel Garza (30:51)
Rob Sharpe swings at Magnus Destructo with a chair. It breaks over the big man’s back, but he doesn’t go down. So…Rob keeps at it. Every swing brings more and more pain, while leaving less and less chair. Taka Sakuragi and Sasha Loveless ram Porky Stubbs into a support post, which is also starting to crack. On the last thrust they draw blood, then shove him backward where he flops over a table.
Eric Evans has been in the far corner for a while, fiddling with something. Turns out, it’s the ratchet straps that are keeping the barrel stack in place. I bet that will end well.
Anna Daniels attacks him again, but he delivers a kick to her midsection and gets back to his work. Finally he releases the mechanism, sending the rest of the barrels rolling through the bar!
Ivan Stanislav catches one to the legs, and gets bowled over. Another rolls through the bar area, scattering the likes of Johnny Dorn, Los Rebeldes, the Crownless Kingdom, and the New World Trash. One rolls after Randall Schwartz, but when he swerves to avoid it, the barrel swerves with him. That’s probably normal. Another barrel bears down on Leroy Scrumptious, who deftly leaps over it; it barrels (heh) over the Wanderer instead. The last one careens into Brandon Youngblood, who goes down hard.
Now it’s time to deliver something special to the fans. We know what you were waiting for.
Pork on ham action. And we’ve got it for you!
Porky Stubbs is laying on top of one of the remaining tables, and Hambone Parkinson is approaching him quickly. Porky knows that a pig on a table is too enticing to pass up, so he starts his waddling motion to untable himself. He isn’t quite in time, and Hambone delivers a meaty elbow across his neck. The table doesn’t break, but it does tip over, causing Porky to topple with it. Hambone is quick to press his advantage, slamming Porky’s head against the table and leaving him reeling. Porky doesn’t have time to recover before Hambone scoops him and tosses him out the main doors. Goodbye Porky! If only the Baconator could’ve joined in on this madness.
PORKY STUBBS ELIMINATED by Hambone Parkinson (31:28)
Ignacio el Jaguar dodges strikes from Magnus Destructo, and tries to escape to the relative safety of the balcony. When he reaches the top of the stairs, the structure begins to shake–so he leaps off as quickly as possible, landing on the relative safety of a bunch of angry wrestlers. Taka Sakuragi goes spilling to the floor, as do Andrew Mitchell and Melissa Talamantez.
Jimmy Donovan plants a boot into Gavin Yum’s chest, giving himself just enough time to finally free his hands.
Jimmy Donovan: Yeehaw!
Gavin takes a step back and looks for another target, knowing full well that Jimmy has not washed those hands recently.
At long last, T.J. Ratigan emerges from the room…and now we find out that he wasn’t hiding after all. He was looking for something, and now he has it in his hands.
It’s a chamber pot.
This raises a whole lot of questions, and I think it’s safe to say that none of us want answers.
Anyway. Ratigan holds the chamber pot, obviously looking for a target. He’s going…
Ugh. I know there’s no rules in this thing, but COME ON.
Let’s just go elsewhere.
Here comes Rory Hayes, cackling like a madman as he chases “Electric” Eric Evans all around the barroom. Eric’s not as fast as he used to be and has trouble outpacing the Homicycle; however, Hayes will occasionally slow down so he can kick people in the face if they get too close. He’s having a grand old time.
But now Evans is in a bad position, and Hayes decides to end the game. He pedals the Homicycle as fast as he can, straight at Evans…but just before he gets there, Roosevelt Black runs up and shoves a chair leg into the front spokes. The Homicycle comes to a dead stop, sending the Don of the Deathmatch flying over the handlebars, over Eric Evans…and right out the door.
RORY HAYES ELIMINATED by the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle (32:12)
Eric gets up, looks at Roosevelt Black…and starts kicking the bicycle. He’s probably got some trauma to work through. Rosie’s not going to help with it, choosing to kick Evans instead.
Isabel Garza wraps her hands around Timo Bolamba’s neck, and digs her thumbs into his throat. Youngblood lifts the loose floorboard, hoping to use it as a weapon, but the barrel that hit him earlier rolls under the board and wedges itself in place. Are these barrels remote controlled?
El Cocodrilo has been trying as he may to stay alive as long as possible. Gray’s Wrestling Academy has taught him resilience, fortitude, and mostly unscrupulous ways to win. So that’s why he creeps up on Pedro Gonzales with a table leg, raising his arm high in the air. But before he can strike, Pedro turns around and grabs El Cocodrilo’s arm, tossing him onto the bar. Pedro grabs him and moves him across the bar, crashing him into glasses and bottles and finally dumping him on the floor. The Cajun Luchador is quick to recover, but once again Pedro thwarts his attempt to crash a glass in his face by high kicking El Cocodrilo back. The Crocodile loses his momentum and starts to tumble, and Pedro grabs his head and moves towards the front of the building, tossing El Cocodrilo out of the Madhouse.
EL COCODRILO ELIMINATED by Pedro Gonzales (32:36)
Pedro takes a moment to admire his handiwork, and that’s a moment too long–especially with characters like Wrigleyville’s Finest hanging around. With a quick dropkick to the back, Gonzales is sent out of the bar, leaving Los Rebeldes del Bien a man down.
PEDRO GONZALES ELIMINATED by Johnny Dorn (32:46)
Leyenda de Ocho and Andrew Mitchell engage in a battle of kicks. Mitchell’s are more precise; Leyenda’s are faster. Timo Bolamba headbutts Samson Dynamite, who drops to the floor. The Wanderer grabs Mestizo by the arms and spins in a circle, getting several rotations before letting go. The tiny furball rolls for a while before bumping into a pair of enormous legs.
Stanislav palms Mestizo’s head and lifts him up to eye level. The miniature monstrosity jabbers at the huge Russian while trying to get his hands, or feet, or teeth on him.
A thought crosses Ivan’s mind.
I wonder how far I can yeet this.
But, y’know, in Russian.
He stomps to the far end of the saloon, ignoring the chaos that surrounds him. Once there, he attempts to smoosh Mestizo into more of a ball shape, then hurls the smol boi with all of his might. Which is a lot of might. Like, more than four.
Mestizo flies through the air, narrowly missing the chandelier in the center of the room, before arcing downward toward the intended target.
Was Coral Avalon the intended target when this whole process started? Probably not. But that’s who Mestizo collided with, as Ivan intended all along. Obviously. Both men collapse in a heap, as Stanislav beams with pride over the carnage he has wrought.
Angel Quinley gets trapped in a chokehold from Shoko Nabigata; Bex Savage makes the save. Ria Lockhart drags Aardvark Mask Jr. to the piano, then slams his nose in the lid. It doesn’t actually do much, because it’s the nose of the mask and not his real nose, but it’s still demoralizing. Jimmy Donovan tries a wristlock on Garry Bolamba, but can’t maintain the hold due to the pain.
Jimmy Donovan holds his wrists with the worst case of rope burn ever. He looks up and serendipitously sees the person who started the whole chain of events.
Jimmy Donovan: YOU!
Sasha Loveless: Back for round two, big boy?
Jimmy thinks for a second before shifting his tone drastically. Angry Jimmy goes away, and horny Jimmy–which is his default, let’s be real here–comes back.
Jimmy Donovan: Well now there, I reckon there’s some more ammo in the cannon. Just do me a favor and leave off the wrists? They’re tender as can be right now. Maybe you can aim a little to the rear?
A devilish grin develops on her face.
Jimmy Donovan: Oh lookie, I don’t want none of that pansy shit, ridin’ crops and what not. There’s a broken table leg behind you. Why don’t you go over yonder and fetch that.
She sashays around and saunters towards the switch. As she bends over to pick it up, she feels a sweaty hand on the nape of her neck and her underwear riding up against the front of her hips. The Cowboy has corralled the Dominatrix and is carrying her towards the door.
Sasha Loveless: YOU FOOL! You’re sub! You’re not supposed to manhandle me!
Jimmy Donovan: Darlin’, this ain’t no sex sesh. This is a ‘rasslin’ match.
He kicks the saloon door open and heaves her out of the match.
SASHA LOVELESS ELIMINATED by Jimmy Donovan (33:51)
Jimmy Donovan: I can still call you later for some good lovin’, right?
Sasha Loveless: No!
Jimmy Donovan: Aww, nuts.
Ivan Stanislav lets out a hearty laugh as he slams Leroy Scrumptious to the floor, but the laughter ceases when Melissa Talamantez throws the Homicycle at him. While he struggles to free himself from the Cursed Conveyance, Talamantez and Scrumptious start fighting each other.
Magnus Destructo drops a mighty, meaty elbow on Rob Sharpe. Persona Non Grata and Mestizo pummel Coral Avalon, while the Wanderer and Gavin Yum do the same to Bex Savage. Sheriff Bolamba delivers a stiff kick to Samson Dynamite’s ribs, keeping him down.
Now or never.
T.J. Ratigan held the chamber pot up, and took a running start for Sheriff Bolamba. He pulled his arms back and set himself for the throw…
…and should have been watching for Ignacio el Jaguar, who felled him with a drop toe hold.
The chamber pot went whizzing through the air, still in Timo’s direction. But just before it got there, the Sheriff was pulled down by Dynamite, and the pot when over his back before skidding along the floor.
It came to a stop near a divot caused by a missing floorboard. Well, it wasn’t missing…just part of it was lowered beneath the rest of the floor. The other end of that board was still pointed higher into the air, with a barrel serving as the fulcrum.
You know who else was at the other end of that board? Brandon Youngblood. He was duking it out with Hambone Parkinson; mighty blows were thrown by both parties, but the advantage tilted toward youngblood. When it did, he hoisted Parkinson in the air and powerslammed him right onto that floorboard.
If you picked “lever” in the Madhouse Prop Bet for which of the Six Simple Machines got used first, congratulations. You won.
The force of the slam sent the other end of the board–and consequently, the chamber pot, high into the air.
As it reaches its zenith, the pot starts to turn over. Then the descent begins…headed right for Ivan Stanislav.
It’s a damn good thing for Ivan–and everyone else, probably–that Stanislav had been knocked down a minute ago, and hadn’t gotten back to his feet. The receptacle sails harmlessly (to him, and us) over his head toward a new target.
That target is Johnny Dorn, and he hasn’t been conveniently knocked over. In fact he’s being held up in a double-handed chokehold. This is real bad news for him, only in part because of what’s about to land on him. Desperate to escape the hold anyway, he thumbs the choker in the eyes, allowing the choke-ee to drop.
So instead, the chamber pot comes to light on its eventual target: the head of Chick Grillbreast.
Chick Grillbreast: OH COME ON!
Everyone nearby starts to become a lot less near and a lot more ‘bye. Dunno what Ratigan did in that thing earlier, but it is unpleasant.
Rob Sharpe and Anna Daniels fight near the window, each trying to push the other out, but neither one is able to gain advantage. Luke Robinson has thrown a barrel ring around Powerslam Anubis’ arms, temporarily staying his judgment as well as allowing him to attack the larger man with impunity. Leroy Scrumptious and Melissa Talamantez halt their fight in order to drop simultaneous elbows on Ivan Stanislav as he tries to get back up.
Eric Evans: Dude, New Wave of British Heavy Metal is better.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Are you outta your mind? Do you think them wimps in leather could hold a candle to Waylon Jennings?
Yes, Eric Evans and Garry Bolamba are sitting at one of the tables with fists flying around them, having a musical argument in the middle of the biggest bar brawl since 1894.  If you know anything about arguments about music in the social media age, things are about to get a little heated.
Eric Evans: Wimps? WIMPS? Rob Halford was the most badass singer in the entire fuckin’ world all while being a gay man in a hypermasculine industry that would’ve eaten him alive! Can Waylon Jennings hit the high note like on “Desert Plains?” I THINK NOT.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Oh wow, baldy can scream, big whoop. It was all production anyway. Where’s the heart, man? WHERE’S THE HEART? AIN’T NONE OF THEM GOT HEART LIKE CONWAY TWITTY!
Eric Evans: OH YEAH? IF THEY HAD HEART THEN WHY DID THEY ALL LET KNOBS LIKE KENNY CHESNEY OVERTAKE THEIR ENTIRE GENRE?
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Oh, them’s fightin’ words.
The Slap-Fighting Champion of Nelson County slaps the taste out of Evans’ mouth, sending him flying back from his chair into the bar. Garry dusts off his oversized hands, but like a zombie rising from the grave, Evans gets right back up.
Eric Evans: HA! You think that’d put me down? I’VE SUFFERED WORSE IN THE PIT AT A FUCKIN DOKKEN CONCERT!
Evans charges forward with a flying cross body block that sends Ray-Ray hurtling onto his ass. He climbs up onto the bar, waiting for Garry to get up. When he finally rises…
Eric Evans: AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
He goes for his Never-ender finisher, but Garry moves out of the way at the last second, watching Evans crash to the floor. Garry doesn’t wait, and instead drags Evans by his long, stringy hair, and dumps him out of the bar.
ERIC EVANS ELIMINATED by Garry Bolamba (35:46)
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Don’t you EVER talk shit about Waylon again, asshole.
Samson Dynamite tries powerbombing Ignacio el Jaguar through the wall…but it’s the wall under the balcony, which leads to the rooms and not the outside. Maybe he’s just doing it for fun. Gavin Yum stabs Hambone Parkinson with his fork, because of course the cutlery cannot be resheathed without first tasting blood. Ivan Stanislav throws Luke Robinson in the general direction of the door, but once again The Look is not looking to leave yet.
Now, we cut to the balcony.
La Loca Provocativa hangs from the bottom of the balcony, trying to lure in her next surprise attack victim. And she spots one. It’s Bex Savage of the New World Trash. She drops and flips around, landing hard on her mark’s back, sending both crashing to the floor. The crusher of the Trash rises up with Loca piggybacking on her with a sleeperhold. Desperation kicks in, Savage trying to use her pitbull-like tenacity and uncanny strength to get her attacker off her back, but it wasn’t working. In a moment of panic, she reached back and grabbed her assailant by the head. A forward through, but she still wouldn’t release. Savage had a bounty though.
It was a mask.
Peach Backshots: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
The unmasked La Loca released her hold and slumped into a cross-legged seat amidst the din of the fighting in the arena. Savage throws the mask down and with rage bubbling over in her eyes, she walks over and lands a boot into the distraught former e-girl-turned-SHOOT Project tag team wrestler.
Garry Bolamba lays in some heavy slaps to Magnus Destructo; Destructo fires back with a chop that sends “Ray-Ray” flying across the room. Aardvark Mask Jr. has freed himself from the piano, and lays out Ria Lockhart with the stool. Melissa Talamantez steps toward Chick Grillbreast, but thinks better of it after getting a whiff and fights Coral Avalon instead.
Rob Sharpe is doing his best to keep his eyes peeled, not only for his competition but for weapons he can smack people with. He bends over to grab a stool… when Isabel Garza leaps onto his back, doing her best to lock in a sleeper hold! Rob struggles…
Isabel Garza: Target neutralization, in progress!
Rob flails around, doing his best to smash Isabel against a wall! Unfortunately, his steps are off balance and he doesn’t get the impact he desires. He starts to stumble towards the door, but drops to a knee…
Isabel Garza: Mission nearing completion!
Sharpe fades… But he manages to slip an arm around Garza’s leg. With what energy he can muster, Rob rises up and over. He flings Garza through the door with the Sharpe Turn!
ISABEL GARZA ELIMINATED by Rob Sharpe (36:42)
Rob lays on the floor, gasping for breath.
Rob Sharpe: Son… of a bitch!
There is a steady rumble, the visual of dust being knocked from some of the walls as it happens. In the confusion that is the Madhouse, no one really notices. Ivan Stanislav is getting ganged up upon by the remainder of Ratigan’s gang. Magnus Destructo was picking up tables with ill intent in his maddened eyes. Brandon Youngblood picks up a wooden chair and smashes it over the back of Chick Grillbreast, reducing it to splinters and one chair leg.
Only one man knows what the rumble truly is, and there is terror in his eyes.
“Cowboy” Jimmy Donovan shouts. He’s seen this all before. His grandpappy told him stories about what’s about to happen. He yells for everyone around him to hear.
Jimmy Donovan: TARNATION! EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WAY! IT’S A STAMPEDE!
Almost the moment after the words escape his lips, the back wall of the bar buckles and explodes, and the stampede crashes into the middle of the bar. Many fights suddenly stop and try to clear out of the way as the stampede is led by an absolute goliath of a mythological terror, last seen in the lake of [REDACTED] at the funeral of a certain other mannequin. This terror carries a weapon that’s actually just two steel chairs tied together into the vaguest shape of a double-sided battle axe.
With one mighty swing with the flat of this ludicrous “axe”, this mythological terror – a minotaur, if you will – hits Rob Sharpe hard enough to send him flying across the bar, landing with a roll that takes him all the way through the doors leading outside.
ROB SHARPE ELIMINATED by a goddamn minotaur (37:15)
The minotaur continues its rampage, charging through the scene like… well, a bull in a very enclosed, claustrophobic space surrounded by sacks of fragile, screaming meat. Behind him, though, the rest of the stampede emerges.
Three sets of two people in pantomime horse costumes follow behind the mythological terror clearing the way for the stampede. The only reason anyone knows that they’re the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers in full horse costume is because they all have prop guns taped to their little feets. Sorry, GUNZ.
The top half of another horse costume follows behind them. It’s worn very poorly. The horse head is already falling off, the costume is ill-fitting. That’s because the person wearing it utterly refuses to remove his big brown overcoat, because it completes his look. The first chance he gets, this horse version of Alexei Ruslan passes a branding iron to Ivan Stanislav, the head of it bearing the familiar Soviet hammer-and-sickle. Is this incredibly anachronistic for the time and setting? Absolutely! Did Alexei go to the local fuck dispensary for a charitable donation? Absolutely not!
He stands ready to fight alongside his dearest, closest friend. Ivan casually takes the branding iron and rams it into the side of Samson Dynamite, sending him to the ground in a heap. Alexei kicks him while he’s down a few times, too. Why not?
Well, I’ll tell you why not.
This stampede includes none other than Cheddar Youngblood-Campbell, Woofers, Charlie, Amelia Barkhart, and the dreaded Captain Serious. The entire Bark World Order descends upon Alexei looking for treats. Which he might have. We don’t know. All we know is that Alexei, hardened KGB agent, has absolutely no idea how to deal with the situation that’s suddenly befalling upon him, and he’s forced to flee behind the rampaging minotaur much to the consternation of Stanislav.
The stampede continues, unabated. The minotaur is swinging his goofy-looking, but dangerous battle axe around, clearing a path in front of him. The Bonafide horses, Alexei, and the Bark World Order continue behind him. And, well…
I might also bring up the fact that Bucky is there. Do you know what really belongs in the middle of this Wild West-themed Madhouse bar? A dog wielding a four foot long medieval zweihander. Everyone, rightfully, gets the fuck out of the way of Bucky. Nobody wants to be on the wrong end of that good, good boy that’s doing his best Great Wolf Sid impersonation.
Also, we’re not sure why Greg New York or the Big Blue Bug are with them. They’d already both been eliminated from the Madhouse. In fairness, we only know that it’s Greg New York because despite the big cow head covering his head, he’s wearing a “I <3 NEW YORK” shirt. Probably because he probably thought his day was done. There’s no such excuse for the Big Blue Bug. He’s still the same, still with that same mask. Yet they’re both among the stampede anyway, as though running for their lives.
Why are they running for their lives, you might very well be asking?
Hey, uh… hey, Dr. Zeke? It’s the narrator. Hi. Hello. I think a few of the skunks have escaped.
They roll into the scene in their adorable little skunk helmets, chasing after the stampede like a gang of the world’s cutest, smelliest cattle rustlers. Even more than the rampaging minotaur that communicates in sounds that are both screams and cow moos, it’s these little scamps that make most of the brawling brutes of the Madhouse take a few steps back to let the stampede sort itself out.
Well, almost everyone.
Hambone Parkinson is brawling, fighting like this is an average day at his Waffle House. He’s not paying attention to the stampede. He’s also not paying attention to Johnny Dorn, who comes up behind him and pushes him with all of his might… right into the path of the stampede.
Hambone is caught among the Bonafide horses, and as the minotaur smashes through the wall on the other side, he finds himself being carried off into the street by the stampede.
Goodbye, Hambone. We wish you well in that great Waffle House on the other side!
HAMBONE PARKINSON ELIMINATED by Johnny Dorn (and a stampede of Bonafides) (38:28)
The stampede passes through, the momentum of the animals and other… things having passed through. A brief calm wafts through the ruins of the bar.
Then the Lunch Lawyer, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., turns to Aardvark Mask Jr, and points out the hole left by the minotaur.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Have they gone?
Aardvark Mask Jr. looks out the hole. He opens his mouth to answer, but no answer comes… because Lord Yum is an opportunist and he breaks a plate over the head of the son of Aardvark Mask.
He slumps slightly from the blow, but Aardvark Mask Jr. turns to face Lord Yum with rage billowing from his aardvark-themed mask. He gets poked in the eyes and then kicked in the groin. Twice. Each. Then he grabs him by the back of his shirt, and throws him out of the hole left behind by the minotaur.
AARDVARK MASK JR. ELIMINATED by Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. (38:51)
The fighting resumes, and chaos ensues again. Ivan Stanislav hits Brandon Youngblood with the branding iron, but the Diamond doesn’t go down. He grabs at the weapon, and both men start fighting over it. Chick Grillbreast gets the chamber pot off his head, and sees everyone in the area pointing toward the kitchen, where he can go clean up. Samson Dynamite hauls up Coral Avalon for a powerslam, but Avalon slips out and nails him with a rolling elbow to the back of the head.
It’s here that we learn that the stampede’s not quite over. You see, lagging far behind the stampede is one horse in particular.
Actually, it’s half of a horse. Actually, it’s Biff. Remember Biff? He’s one of the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers, has the megarthritis, and he definitely deserves it? Because Biff kinda sucks? Yeah. He’s the back half of a pantomime horse, lagging behind the rest of the stampede. You can tell it’s him because he moves at the exact pace that a sloth would if it wasn’t particularly motivated.
Biff is confused. Because he’s Biff and he’s a little slow on the uptake. And the downtake. Just slow on all of the takes, really. He doesn’t know where his other half is. He also doesn’t know why he can’t walk forward any more.
Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba: Gotcha, ya ‘ol horse’s ass!
Well, we know why. It’s because he’s gone and got himself lassoed by Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba! With a few mighty tugs, Garry drags Biff off into one of the rooms and slams the door shut.
Charles Beckett has just returned to his place by the siege engine, pushing a wheelbarrow full of skunks. Because of course he is.
He’s just in time to see Garry enter a room with poor Biff in tow, and also to see Dr. Badguy jumping up and down like a six-year-old at Christmas.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Reload the skunk-a-pult!
But Charles Beckett holds up a hand to stop him.
Charles Beckett: Wait a minute…I want to see where this goes.
Persona non Grata is throwing Mestizo around at other Madhouse participants as though Mestizo were a perfectly yeetable projectile built out of hate and spite. Everyone got their shots before they agreed to fight, right?
Anyhoodle. Mestizo is thrown into a crowd consisting of the trio of kindred spirits that are the New World Trash and Ria Lockhart, and PNG is looking pretty pleased with the results. He turns and punches Andrew Mitchell before he can bash him over the head with a previously discarded banjo.
Things are going good for the remaining half of Los Rebeldes del Bien, such that PNG made a laugh. You know the one. The one that sounds less like a genuine laugh and more like he’s a soundboard from a Final Fantasy VI podcast.
One man, however, hears this laugh and decides to do something about it. His name is Ignacio el Jaguar, and Persona non Grata’s attempt at punching him away is met instead with a flying knee. Jaguar lands right next to the big guy, arm around his shoulders, and guides the dazed man to the hole left behind by the stampede. It’s when they get there that PNG comes alive and elbows him in the ribs.
PNG goes to throw Ignacio out, but Iggy fights back despite giving up a lot of size, and stuns the big guy with an eye rake. A dropkick from Iggy pushes PNG on the brink of falling out of the hole. Iggy kips up and lands a flying karate-style kick, which knocks PNG through the hole and out!
PERSONA NON GRATA ELIMINATED by Ignacio el Jaguar (40:07)
Iggy lands sitting on a nearby chair as smoothly as if he’d planned it. He reaches over and grabs a beer, and watches the fighting continue. He takes a sip… and spits it right out.
Ignacio el Jaguar: Ayo, who brought the cheap beer to this joint!?
Meanwhile, there’s a fight going on in the Madhouse with significantly more venom in it than some of the others.
The “Iron Idol”, Riko Tsukino, has found her man. That’s in a “lawman going after a criminal” sense. Riko herself needs no man. Anyway. Amidst the chaos that continues to ensue around her, she spotted “Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi as he continues using his rifle for its intended purpose as a beating stick against Melissa Talamantez and Roosevelt Black. Her enemy. The man she came to this place to bring down.
Sakuragi recognizes her immediately. He raises his rifle to fire upon her, which is a considerable no-no in a place like the Madhouse. He hesitates, though, when a table flies into frame from off screen and causes him to flinch when it passes perilously close to his head. How many tables is Magnus Destructo going to throw? As many as it takes.
This hesitation is all Tsukino needs to get close enough to Sakuragi and hit him with a spin kick to knock the rifle out of his hands. A slap spins Sakuragi around, only for the Hawkeye to respond with a Pele-style kick that knocks Tsukino down. When both recover, they’re reduced to grappling and jockeying for position. Sakuragi is bigger, but Tsukino is tenacious and refuses to give up against him.
Sakuragi goes behind and tries to German suplex her, and at this point, they’re fighting close enough to the doors that it could’ve thrown her out. Instead, she hits him with an elbow. As she does, she sees T.J. Ratigan approaching her with ill intent and armed with a chair. Tsukino recognizes the danger of her situation, so she throws her legs up and dropkicks Ratigan in the chest.
Sakuragi loses his otherwise immaculate balance, and both he and Tsukino tumble out through the doors.
RIKO TSUKINO ELIMINATED by Taka Sakuragi (40:30)
TAKA SAKURAGI ELIMINATED by Riko Tsukino (40:30)
Let’s pull the shot back a little bit, shall we? Get the whole bar in the picture. There we go.
In the foreground, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. is running away from Randall Schwartz in his wheelchair, his arms flailing in the air. The shot never leaves that of the door. After a few moments, Randall Schwartz flees from Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., who is now chasing after him while armed with a frying pan.
The camera never moves, even when Brandon Youngblood enters the shot in the middle of a “sword” fight between himself and Leyenda de Ocho, each of them armed with shattered table legs. Ocho goes for a thrust, which Brandon expertly parries as though he attended the Errol Flynn school of swordsmanship. Brandon is about to make a return stroke, but then Magnus Destructo throws an entire-ass table at the two of them and knocks them both out of frame before walking away to go destroy something or someone else.
Lord Gavin Yum Esq. comes running into frame, arms flailing in the air. He’s lost the frying pan somehow, and Randall Schwartz has somehow acquired a pitchfork and is trying to spear some bitches with it. Like Lord Yum. He’s bitches. Look at him run away in terror!
Then the door bursts open and Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba comes riding out on his mighty steed.
He’s made some upgrades to Biff. He’s now wearing a black long-sleeved shirt with a familiar number 3 on it. He’s also been harnessed up.
Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba: Giddy up!
He charges into the fray. Lord Yum turns around just long enough to learn what the five fingers say to the face, and he goes down yelling. Randall Schwartz has just enough time to point and laugh before he also receives the gospel of the five fingers to the face. Things are going pretty great for our good, good slap boy from Nelson County.
And then Magnus Destructo throws a table at him from off-screen, because that’s just something Magnus is into right now.
Garry flies off of his steed, and he lies there dazed for a moment while his steed wanders around confused and slow. No, not the Wanderer, he’s somewhere else right now. Wandering, probably. Biff is stopped, and he cries out in terror and megarthritis when a man climbs aboard this most bonafide of steeds. Garry stares up in horror as he recognizes the man that’s claimed Biff as his own ride.
Sheriff Bolamba: Reckon I got a bone to pick with ya… son.
Garry stares up at the man who became his father by virtue of winning several wrestling matches involving becoming his son, which is a perfectly valid way to determine one’s paternity. His eyes go wide as Timo adjusts his hat.
Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba: Aw, hell!
He scrambles and flees for his life.
Garry runs up the stairs, perhaps reasoning that a “horse” cannot climb stairs. It’s science, you can’t fight it. Well, Biff defies all science and logic by virtue of his megarthritis. And, you know, not being a horse. So he and Timo chase after Garry. Slowly. It’s like watching a snail trying to win a foot race with Larry Bird. Garry panics and goes into one of the rooms, Timo and Biff eventually follow.
Randall Schwartz has the branding iron now, but for some reason he’s hitting the Homicycle with it. Powerslam Anubis hoists Melissa Talamantez over his head, then drops her to the floor. Andrew Mitchell knocks Ria Lockhart to her knees, then delivers a vicious buzzsaw kick to the head.
The New World Trash have cornered Johnny Dorn; they bring him down with a tandem suplex, then they start smashing bottles on the bar. Seems a bit of an odd move…until they find a special bottle behind the bar. If this were the Wild West–and it is–it would have “XXX” on it, or a skull and crossbones. If it were a normal bottle of very strong liquor.
It is not.
This bottle has multiple “XXX”s, and more skulls and crossbones than a whole fleet of wrestle pirates. It’s the kind of stuff where you take a drink, belch fire, and pass out for three days. So of course the Trash each take a slug, then pour the rest on the bar.
Bex slams Johnny Dorn onto the other side, causing him to howl in pain from the broken glass. She then gets a boost up from Quinley, and sets up for a powerbomb. Meanwhile, Angel Quinley takes out…
Okay, seriously. Do we not search people before these events?
Who the HELL let her have a lighter?
Guess there’s nothing we can do about it now.
Yes, she has a lighter, and yes she’s lighting the bar on fire, and yes, Bex Savage is going for a powerbomb.
But that’s where Johnny says no.
He quickly lifts himself up, flipping Bex Savage over and causing her to land on the flames!
Bex Savage: AAAAAAAAAARRGGHHH!
She rolls off the bar, while Angel Quinley tries to make sure all the flames on her tag partner are put out. Dorn jumps off the other side, where he eats a kick from Luke Robinson.
Anna Daniels hoists up Leyenda de Ocho with a vertical suplex, barely missing a chair on the impact. Magnus Destructo has joined the violence-fest between Ivan Stanislav and Brandon Youngblood, the three men pounding each other with punches and forearms.
Powerslam Anubis takes a swipe at La Loca Provocativa, who rolls underneath and out of the way. He tries again, but she moves farther away. His attention is so focused on Loca that he dean’t see Andrew Mitchell sneaking up behind him.
With Anubis distracted, Mitchell picks his moment to strike, and striking is what he does best. He unloads on the God of Judgment with a series of elbow, knee, and palm strikes. Each one connecting square–his nickname is well earned–and enough to fell a lesser man, but not enough for a god.
Time to bring out the big guns.
Mitchell takes a step back, spins on his left foot, and brings his right heel around in a circle toward Powerslam Anubis’ jaw. And here’s where Andrew Mitchell learns a valuable lesson.
“Can’t Miss” is not the same as “Can’t Be Blocked.”
Anubis gets his forearms in place just in time, keeping Mitchell’s foot away from its intended target. Andrew loses his balance, and Powerslam Anubis takes advantage by grabbing the young star by his stupid ponytail. With another hand on the back of Mitchell’s tights, the Indominable One (go ahead, try and domin him, see what happens) sends Andrew Mitchell flying through the air and out one of the ever-increasing number of holes in the wall.
ANDREW MITCHELL ELIMINATED by Powerslam Anubis (42:53)
The Wanderer kicks Coral Avalon in the gut and sets up for his double arm DDT; Avalon spins out, slips behind, and drops the Wanderer with Camelot’s Turntable. He tries to follow with another armament, but his movement is halted by Samson Dynamite’s knee.
Generalissimo Bolamba leaves the second room on the upper floor–which was not the one he went into–and goes into the first. Sheriff Timo and Biff go from the third room to the second. Looks like we’ve got some Scooby-Doo shit going on.
Sometimes, individual fracases happen out of longstanding beefs, and other times, they arise from local microaggressions. Still others occur via complete happenstance. Serendipity, if you will.
This particular fight is an example of the last kind.
Shoko Nabigata and Bex Savage both walk backwards toward each other, surveying the remaining wrestlers. Their trajectories bring their shoulders together in a disconcerting thud. They both shoot around to face each other, and without a word, both let out their shrillest war cries. Savage shoots first, a hard, knife-edged chop right across the chest of the Eye-Taker (this nickname is not in bad taste, as Pom Shinjoku came up with it herself back when they were married, trust me on this). Shoko’s eyes glow red as she returns fire.
They return volley again, and again, and again, and again. The phrase “ad infinitum” is not appropriate here only because it undersells what’s going on. Each chop increases in intensity, almost paradoxically.
The ringing strike of each chop reverberates throughout the bar. The remaining combatants slow down almost to bullet time as the two women trade self-contained dirty bombs across each other’s chests. Some witnesses would later claim that each chop opened a small tear in the spacetime continuum. One of them would swear that he’d seen the Lincoln Assassination bubble up around the curved spacetime rising from Shoko’s chest after an especially vicious chop. However, that guy would also later be found to have taken copious amounts of psilocybin before the match.
Anyway, after a short time that seemed like a long time, the two collapse onto each other, both exposed chest windows above their breasts glowing red like hot pokers. They compose themselves, and the Ripper turns to her gladiatorial opponent.
Bex Savage: Hey, you wanna go see if there’s any booze left at the bar?
Shoko Nabigata: Yes. After.
Shoko grabs Bex by the back, and violently tosses her out of the massive hole that had opened up behind them.
Shoko Nabigata: 学ぶべきことがたくさんあります、新人さん。
BEX SAVAGE ELIMINATED by Shoko Nabigata (43:52)
Mestizo latches onto Coral Avalon’s leg with both claws and teeth. The Crownless King tries to pry him loose, to no avail. Ria Lockhart grabs the back of Randall Schwartz’s wheelchair and gives him a shove, sending him crashing behind the bar. Garry Bolamba, still chased by his “dad” and his “dad”’s trusty “steed,” exit the third door on the ground floor and run into the second.
You know what? No.
More than half the field is gone, but even as the saloon has cleared out, there’s still a lot of commotion. Most of it is being caused by a loud, angry man who has finally gotten all the tobacco spit and excrement cleaned off his body. How does he feel about being dunked with gross liquids?
Chick Grillbreast: Ugh, that makes me SO MAD!
He picks up a chair and smashes it on a table.
Johnny Dorn: Hey fuckwad, that startled me!
Wrigleyville’s Finest turns around to get into Chick’s face. Although Chick is much more massive than Johnny, he’s a full four inches shorter. Dorn looks down at the King of the Swole Bros.
Chick Grillbreast: You DARE get in my face?
Johnny Dorn: Yeah, duh.
Chick Grillbreast: THEN I’M GOING TO CRUMPLE YOU UP AND THROW YOU IN THAT CAN THAT THEY USED TO POUR BROWN LIQUID ON ME, ARRRGHHH.
Chick charges into Johnny with pure force of his massive frame, overpowering him despite being at a leverage disadvantage. He slams Johnny to the floor before stomping him without mercy. Finally, he picks Wrigleyville’s Finest up by the back of his neck, setting up for The Shaker Cup.
He never hits it, mainly because someone found his own mark with a fist right to Chick’s groin, which may or may not have been shriveled from years of, ahem, all natural aid in SICK GAINZ.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Found the mark, as always.
Johnny Dorn: Jesus, Gav, what the fuck too you so long?
Gavin and Johnny pick up the still-holding-his-groin Chick, drag him over to the door, and toss him out. Afterwards, they shake hands as Chick rolls around writhing.
Chick Grillbreast: I am never doing this thing again, argggghhhhhh.
CHICK GRILLBREAST ELIMINATED by Yum & Dorn (44:47)
Johnny Dorn and Gavin Yum shake hands, then simultaneously kick each other in the groin.
Ignacio el Jaguar and Leyenda de Ocho circle each other. Jaguar dives in for a quick ankle pick, but Leyenda dodges just as rapidly by jumping onto a stool! The two stare at each other, a smirk forming on Leyenda’s face.
Leyenda de Ocho: Gonna have to do better than that, amigo.
Ignacio el Jaguar: Oh, I plan to… That is a promise!
Jaguar hops onto a stool as well! He takes a swing, Leyenda hops back onto another stool! Leyenda throws a kick, Jaguar does the same. They take turns, hopping between different stools while attempting strikes. They both eye the actual bar before locking eyes and nodding in agreement.
They leap over to the bar and continue their game of cat and mouse, swapping roles. Their dodges include jumping, rolling along the bar and back handsprings. There’s a stalemate… Until Leyenda takes advantage of Jaguar’s inexperience, stomping on his foot, catching him off guard! As Ignacio tends to his smashed foot, Leyenda gives him a hard shove off the bar, and before Ignacio can recover, leaps off the bar to connect with the Actualizer!
From there it’s a matter of dragging him to a window and throwing him out. Coral Avalon tries to save his teammate, but he gets cut off by Shoko Nabigata, allowing Leyenda de Ocho to finish the deed.
IGNACIO EL JAGUAR ELIMINATED by Leyenda de Ocho (45:17)
Over on the right side of the hall, things haven’t gotten any less dumb.
Garry Bolamba runs out of the first room on the first floor. He’s chased by Timo and Biff. They’re chased by Randall Schwartz, who DIDN’T EVEN–
God dammit. Can someone please put a stop to this?
Powerslam Anubis throws out a mighty lariat, as if he could hear the narrator and decided to grant their wish. That’s not the case of course; that would get him in hot water with the Narrator’s Guild. The attack knocks Timo from the back of his trusty steed. Biff crumples to the ground, then slowly (very slowly) gets back up.
The old, broken down, eternal butt monkey of the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers staggers toward the giant hole in the wall, hoping to complete the stampede with a minimum of additional embarrassment. Everyone kind of lets him go; they know the poor bastard has suffered enough.
Wait…nope. Sorry. Samson Dynamite just smashed a chair over his head.
The Detroit Devastator cackles, then picks Biff up and throws him out the hole in the wall.
BIFF ELIMINATED by–
- Don’t you dare do that to him.
Shoko Nabigata throws the Homicycle at Magnus Destructo. Gavin Yum wrenches the arm of the Wanderer while shoving his face into a piece of broken glass still on the bar (fortunately all the fire has been moved; it probably followed Randall Schwartz.) Mestizo attempts to devour the leg of Leyenda de Ocho; unfortunately, he does it foot-first, and the kick sends the horrible tiny beast flying to the middle of the bar.
As the little monster gets up, Youngblood grips Mestizo from behind and tosses him into the air with a release German suplex. Not quite a Stanislav-level Yeeting, but impressive nonetheless.
The rate of descent soon puts Mestizo in line with the swinging doors.
Coral Avalon has been waiting for this.
Avalon’s boot catches Mestizo in the side, and redirects the beast out of the barroom entirely.
MESTIZO ELIMINATED by Coral Avalon (46:05)
The Crownless King nods at a job well done
Angel Quinley scrambles on top of the bar, hoping that the high ground will offer an advantage. She nimbly steps away from the swiping hands of Johnny Dorn, who keeps trying to trip her up. Angel finally catches him by jumping earlier than he expects, then bringing her heel down on his right hand.
Johnny staggers backwards, giving Angel a moment to turn around and leap off the bar with a moonsault. As soon as her leap starts, Johnny reaches out for the nearest person and pulls them into the line of fire.
That person, as it turns out, is Melissa Talamantez…who, while nowhere near the largest competitors in the match, is considerably taller and stronger than Angel. So when she suddenly finds herself in Quinley’s path, Melissa braces herself and catches her in mid-air!
Talamantez staggers back a few paces, but manages to hold her balance. That leaves her with an opponent slung over her shoulder, which quickly becomes an opponent held in a tombstone piledriver position. Melissa leaps and turns, bringing Angel’s head into the floor with the Mescalero Driver II.
Randall Schwartz continues to, somehow, avoid any kind of real conflict–specifically the one between Timo and Garry Bolamba; Timo slams “Ray-Ray” through a table and rains fists down on him. Roosevelt Black puts Luke Robinson in a headlock and drags him toward the saloon doors, but Robinson puts on the brakes and counters with a back suplex.
The Madhouse field has whittled down, which is good for the wrestlers remaining, but for “Cowboy” Jimmy Donovan, it presents a problem.
Jimmy Donovan: There ain’t no ladies of the night here like there’d be in an old-time saloon! I need to take a break from all this fussin’ and feudin’.
As he turns around, he sees a shadowy figure smiling at him.
Jimmy Donovan: You been watchin’ me like some kinda pervert?
Jimmy Donovan: Lookit, I been called a pervert in my life too. That ain’t no insult, just, it’s creepy when you’re just a-standin’ there.
The figure steps forward, revealing himself to be The Wanderer. He flashes a grin before delivering a big boot to Jimmy’s gut.
Jimmy Donovan: OOF! Well, URGH, at least ya kept it above my twigs ‘n berries.
The witty repartee is lost on The Wanderer, who continues to go about his business wrangling the Cowboy into a double underhook.
End of the Road.
After this, it’s academic. Wanderer picks up Jimmy and tosses him out of the door.
JIMMY DONOVAN ELIMINATED by The Wanderer (47:04)
Jimmy Donovan: Aww nuts. Well, reckon once my head stops hurtin’ I can see if I can catch up with that Sasha so I can make some amends.
That puts the number of active participants down to a third of its original size. We think. But much like the Six Simple Machines prop bet, we’re not going back to double-check.
Leyenda de Ocho pushes La Loca Provocativa aside and charges again at his ancient enemy, Magnus Destructo. A mighty blow from Leyenda cuts open Magnus’ lip, and also opens a new level of fury.
As Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba gets back to his feet, Timo looks ready to continue the fight…until he looks at the unfriendly faces staring at him from over the Generalissimo’s shoulder.
T.J. Ratigan. Gavin Yum. Samson Dynamite.
Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba sees a similar threat on the other side of the sheriff.
Johnny Dorn. Powerslam Anubis. The Wanderer.
They put their differences aside and stand back-to-back, ready to face this threat as father and “son.”
Their enemies charge in, but are turned away by strikes and slaps, lightning-fast and thunder-loud. Though on opposite sides of the law, Timo and Garry fend off their attackers like a well-oiled machine.
As they gird themselves for a group assault, Timo Bolamba suddenly grabs Garry’s arm, then starts spinning him around in a massive circle. Garry Bolamba then stretches out his other arm, allowing him to attack all of their foes even at a distance.
Garry Bolamba: Slaps for you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and–
The others are forced to cease their charge, powerless in the face of this devastating slap tornado. Finally the Sheriff lets go, allowing Garry to careen right into Powerslam Anubis, knocking the mighty god to the floor.
Mangus Destructo has had enough of this bullshit. He levels Leyenda de Ocho with a clothesline, then walks away from the fight. Well, not exactly away; more like walking to.
What’s he walking to?
I’m sure that will end well.
Melissa Talamantez hooks T.J. Ratigan for a suplex and hoists him into the air, holding him in place.
T.J. Ratigan: Hey, put me down, ya big PERSON!
She does not. Talamantez has her sights set on bringing Ratigan to justice, and isn’t about to let him go any time soon. Let the blood rush to his head in this position, drop him hard on the floor, then throw him out.
It’s a good plan, and she’s in the perfect spot to pull it off. The only thing that could possibly ruin it is if her feet get run over by a wheelchair.
Randall Schwartz: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhnonononono…
God dammit, Randall.
The Entertainer rolls past as fast as he can go, driven by the fear of Brandon Youngblood. (This is a very reasonable fear, one that Franklin Roosevelt certainly would have mentioned in his speech had they been alive at the same time. But FDR had to go and die early, the coward.)
Schwartz careens in front of the deputy and, as if you hadn’t guessed, rolls right over her feet.
Melissa Talamantez: Aaaarghh!
The sudden pain causes her to lose her grip on Ratigan, who slips behind her and catches her with a rollup. Soon Melissa’s shoulders are pinned to the floor, although that doesn’t matter here.
What does matter is that Talamantez is now between the door and “Rotten” T.J. Ratigan. She tries to get back up, but only makes it as far as her knees before Ratigan drives his feet into her face with a basement dropkick. The force sends her tumbling backwards and out of the bar.
MELISSA TALAMANTEZ ELIMINATED by TJ Ratigan (48:31)
Ratigan looks out the door to laugh at his victim.
T.J. Ratigan: Nice try, LADY! Gimme a call if you ever want to STRIKE THREE, TREVOR
Okay, this next bit probably requires some explanation.
So, the Ratigan Filter. It’s an extension that automatically replaces any naughty words with something less offensive. It’s required pretty much anywhere he goes, because that dude is just the worst.
But sometimes Ratigan says things that are simply unacceptable–because, again, just the worst. When this occurs, he is given a warning, then a second. On the third infraction, there are…consequences. And by “consequences,” we mean “ninjas.”
He doesn’t seem too worried; after all, the match will be over long before they get here from the ninja reserve in Saskatchewan.
T.J. Ratigan: Whatever. It’s not like I called her a–
He stops himself, for two reasons. First, as aggressively stupid as Trevor is, the one thing he knows is that he does NOT want to know what happens on Strike Four.
Second, and more importantly, he’s cut off by something outside.
CUT TO: Outside.
Melissa Talamantez stands up and dusts herself off. She’s furious–at Ratigan, at herself, at the idiot in the wheelchair. She looks around at the mostly desolate street, but sees one person–another deputy, in fact. This was one of the Sheriff’s staff who’d been tasked with making sure all the chaos stayed inside. She ran past Melissa on her way to one of the horse troughs.
Melissa Talamantez: What’s going on?
Deputy Barlow: Just got word from Mr. Beckett; Ratigan hit strike three.
Barlow reached into her holster and pulled out…not a gun, but a paper packet. She tore it open and emptied the contents. Those contents? A bunch of little black pellets.
CUT TO: Inside.
T.J. Ratigan: Oh, STUFF.
He turns to run, but only makes it a few steps before a whole shitload of ninjas swarm the bar.
CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP
They’re a lot louder than ninjas would normally be, but they’re wearing cowboy boots. They quickly tackle Ratigan and pin him to the ground, then take turns kicking him swiftly in the junk.
Now you know why the boots.
At this point, the man they call “President” is starting to wonder whether Anna Daniels is everything they say she is, because nothing seems to be working when it comes to slowing her down or trying to put some space between the two of them.
He’s tried throwing things ranging from nearby bottles to broken pieces of the surrounding scenery.
He’s tried distraction, but given the roiling hurricane of nonsense they’re both stuck in there’s been little to serve as enough of a surprise to get her to halt her dogged pursuit.
Hell, he’s even tried bribery, but Roosevelt’s best offer was rebuked. After all, if Daniels wanted to punch Foster Nackedy in the face that badly she could simply walk up to him at the next ReVival and do it.
Forget being a literal space alien, at this point Roosevelt Black is starting to wonder if Anna Daniels is an honest-to-god Terminator.
This is how they both ended up on either side of a circular table, because at least it puts an obstacle in between them. Still, every time Black moves in one direction, Daniels advances along the same path. At least that’s how it plays out until the Muse grabs the table with both hands and flips it out of the way. Once more there is a clearing that leads her directly to Roosevelt Black.
Black’s eyes go wide as he darts for the closest thing he can find to defend himself with: the fully-intact wheel of a wagon. He holds it out in front of him like a shield as he jabs at Daniels with it, but the Muse has other ideas. She blocks his attack and reaches through the gap in the posts, grabbing both of Black’s wrists in the process. A foot against the center of the wheel gives her the leverage she needs to pull Roosevelt closer to her. With his arms now through the spokes, the President doesn’t have much in the way of leverage as Daniels leans all of her weight – and the weight of the wagon wheel – against him.
The two are dangerously close to one of the giant holes in the wall when Roosevelt gets an idea. If he can pivot his body then he might be able to use the circular properties of the wheel to regain an advantage. He turns and manages to yank a hand free which he uses to try and guide the wheel in a full rotation, bringing Daniels with it. Sensing that this might be his way to salvation, he keeps trying to spin the wheel, and Anna Daniels’ world inverts over and over.
Everything is going according to plan until a piece of debris on the floor causes Black to trip and lose his grip. He tumbles to the floor. Daniels and the wheel follow, and the impact dislodges one of the spokes. Roosevelt is only aware of this for a moment, as no sooner does he get back to his feet does the spoke crash into the side of his jaw, and the impact sends him staggering backwards and through the hole in the wall.
ROOSEVELT BLACK ELIMINATED by Anna Daniels (50:14)
Timo Bolamba puts the hurt on the Wanderer, who comes back with a thumb to the eye. Brandon Youngblood wraps his meaty arms around T.J. Ratgian and suplexes the absolute fuck out of him. There is no fuck left. Johnny Dorn clips Ria Lockhart from behind, then stomps her knee a few times for good measure.
Magnus Destructo gains a head of steam, shoving the piano in front of him. Lucky it has wheels, although that probably wouldn’t have stopped him.
Most folks hear this murder train coming and get out of the way. Leroy Scrumptious gets clipped, and Johnny Dorn shoves Angel Quinley into the side of the piano as it rolls past; she bounces off the side and lands on the floor. The ninjas stop their attack on T.J. Ratigan’s nards so they can escape to safety. But Destructo barely notices, and he’s not aiming for carnage anyway. No, this symphony of destruction is being played for one person.
Leyenda de Ocho pushes himself back to his feet, only to see five hundred pounds of musical death rolling right at him. It hits him dead center, turning him into a sort of hood ornament.
Magnus hasn’t stopped pushing, though. He does turn the piano slightly, so now it’s headed straight for the doors. It goes a little off course–pianos are notorious for their poor handling and wide turning radius–and smashes into the door frame. Leyenda, on the other hand, sails right through the doors.
LEYENDA DE OCHO ELIMINATED by Magnus Destructo (50:41)
The piano bounces back after its collision. Destructo calmly pushes it from the other side toward the general fray, then pushes it over without ceremony.
Right on top of Ivan Stanislav.
The wretched cacophony, followed by the string of Russian curse words from the man pinned underneath, still isn’t as awful as the sound of Powerslam Anubis actually playing it.
Stanislav musters his strength to free himself, but he is hampered slightly by four people suddenly showing up to stomp on him.
Shoko Nabigata has already eliminated half of the New World Trash; now she sets her sights on Angel Quinley. She lifts Angel up and slams her through a table, cracking it in half. Gavin Yum band Leroy Scrumptious brawl their way into the kitchen, where they might be safe from skunks but certainly not from each other. Ria Lockhart brings Brandon Youngblood to his knees with a spinning heel kick, then delivers a double stomp to his face.
Timo Bolamba gets tackled into the wall hard enough to crack the wood by the door. The Wanderer grabs one the saloon-style doors and swings it inward, slamming it into the Samoan’s ribs. Then he does it again, and once more for good measure. When Timo starts to slide to the ground the Wanderer uses the opportunity to try and crush his opponent’s head between the door and the wall, an act that leaves a large smear of facepaint on the rapidly-splintering wood.
Fortunately for Timo, there’s a spittoon nearby.
Now we’re all going to try very hard not to think of anything that might have been used for over the course of this brawl, because some of the people involved in this thing are, as the kids say, sus.
Fortunately for the Wanderer, the vessel appears to be empty, or at least nothing comes flying out of it when Timo bonks him in the head with it. The Wanderer staggers back which gives Timo a chance to get back to his feet. He slips behind the Wanderer, and slides his fist into the spittoon, wearing it like ye olde grosse-asse Infinity Gauntlet. Again, very lucky the inside isn’t covered in The Big Icky.
A bucket-assisted punch sends the Wanderer stumbling through the doors to the outside of the building.
THE WANDERER ELIMINATED by Timo Bolamba (51:22)
Ivan is still trying to free himself from his piano prison. Randall Schwartz gets out of his chair to help, but somehow only makes it worse.
The Slap-Fighting Pride of Nelson County catches Anna Daniels with a slap, but the next one gets countered into an arm drag, followed by a wristlock. Magnus Destructo picks up T.J. Ratigan and breaks the absolute shit out of his back, which is not where you’re supposed to keep your shit. Don’t do that.
Gavin Yum and Leroy Scrumptious are probably doing something very involved and time consuming in the kitchen, which we don’t really want to cook up a logical explanation for. Don’t worry about it.
Back at the bar, things are getting very serious between Ria Lockhart and Shoko Nabigata.
Shoko is the first one to escalate the situation as she grabs a nearby beer bottle by the neck and smashes it against the stage. Not to be outdone, Ria quickly grabs two objects from the floor. The first is the wooden leg of a chair that had snapped in the fray, and the other is a small wooden stool. She uses the latter object like a shield, reaching in between the legs and grabbing one of the cross pieces like a handle.
Ria brings her makeshift shield up just in time to deflect the first blow, then counterattacks with a thrust from her own sharp, pointy thing. Shoke leaps back to avoid the strike, which gives Ria an opening to charge forward. Using the stool like a battering ram, she deflects a second swing of the bottle and plants the seat in Shoko’s chest before driving her back to the wall and through an open window.
SHOKO NABIGATA ELIMINATED by Ria Lockhart (51:54)
Magnus Destructo tries to throw the Homicycle out the window, but it hit one of the slower, dumber ninjas who hadn’t fully escaped the bar yet. I didn’t know the Instant Ninjas had a Biff.
At long last, Ivan Stanislav extricates himself from under the piano, thanks in part to Randall Schwartz no longer “helping”–he suddenly had to jump back in his chair and escape from a charging Anna Daniels.
Just as Stanislav gets up, Samson Dynamite runs toward him and drives the head of the hammer-and-sickle branding iron right into his hindquarters. The iron hasn’t been heated, but there’s enough force behind it to probably leave an imprint. Ivan wheels around and tries to backhand his foe, but Dynamite dodges, then bonks Ivan on the head with the iron.
Gavin Yum stumbles through the doors that lead out from the kitchen, tripping over the leg of a broken stool and sending his copy of “The Complete Copyright Law Compendium, Extremely Abridged Edition” skittering across the floor. He casts a glance back over his shoulder as he reaches around for his missing pamphlet when those same doors are kicked open to reveal the silhouette of a large, angry crab-man.
No. That’s wrong.
It’s Leroy Scrumptious, and while he is very large and very angry – the many bags of frozen peas that have been Saran Wrapped to his crotch would probably be a good indicator as to why – he’s not a crab. He just has a pair of tongs in one hand and a barbeque fork in the other. So you can see why there’d be some confusion. He is, quite literally, here to yuck Gavin Yum.
Seeing this, Yum pushes up to his feet and starts running, but Leroy and his aching crotch isn’t very far behind. And yes, he’s clacking those tongs the entire time. Every now and again he jabs at Yum’s backside with the fork. One of those pokes catches the Lunch Lawyer right in the hams, and the yelp that follows is not what a man of the courts would call dignified. But it is enough to help steer Yum towards the saloon doors.
Between pinches and pokes, Gavin has little choice but to go where Leroy tells him. And with one final pinch of the tongs…
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Yipe!
Out he goes, effectively eliminating himself.
LORD GAVIN YUM, ESQ. ELIMINATED by Leroy Scrumptious (52:40)
Tucking his reading material under his arm, Lord Yum sets off in search of his next meal.
Angel Quinley throws a barrel over La Loca Provocativa’s head, then pushes her over and rolls the barrel at Brandon Youngblood. Coral Avalon drills a fallen Ria Lockhart with the Sixth Armament, Secace. Magnus Destructo hoists Luke Robinson up for a chokeslam but gets kneed in the face on the lift. “The Look” escapes, but not quick enough. He catches a headbutt to the nose, then Magnus grabs him by the hair and tosses him toward the new exit that the minotaur helpfully made.
Samson Dynamite charges in, expecting Luke Robinson to be easy pickings. He isn’t expecting to get superkicked in the face.
But that’s what he got.
Both men collapse after the sudden attack. Dynamite rolls over and spies a blunt object on the ground. He grabs it, then stands up and blasts Robinson in the face with it, just as the other man had gotten back to his knees.
“The Look” is knocked for a loop, allowing Samson to take advantage. A kick to the gut sets up a jackknife powerbomb, but Dynamite holds on at the end in order to pull Robinson back up. He follows this with a Tiger Bomb, then he drags Luke Robinson back to a standing position. Samson lifts him up one more time, this time charging straight at the hole in the wall, and hits a running toss powerbomb to finish the Lexicon of Powerbombs…and also Luke Robinson.
LUKE ROBINSON ELIMINATED by Samson Dynamite (53:12)
Samson Dynamite grabs his discarded weapon and throws it at the prone form of Luke Robinson, hitting him in the shoulder.
You might ask, “What was that, anyway?” Dunno for sure, but it looked like a mannequin leg.
CHICO SUPER GENIAL ELIMINATED by Samson Dynamite (53:21)
Ria Lockhart and Anna Daniels throw the broken wagon wheel around Ivan Stanislav, then they each grab an end and start spinning. Around they go, and Ivan goes with them…and in fact, keeps rotating even after they let go. The Russian Bear stumbles for a moment, then falls to a knee…and then falls to a knee to the face from Lockhart.
Magnus Destructo and Brandon Youngblood are brawling again, and Angel Quinley actually scampers over them in order to reach the increasingly precarious balcony. Because stairs are for suckers. Timo Bolamba slams T.J. Ratigan’s face into a table a few times. Then he does it a few more times.
It’s been a very long day for Leroy Scrumptious. Not only has he been in this insanely chaotic brawl for a really long time AND did most of the cooking for Gavin Yum’s ill-fated breakfast, but he’s also been very, very pretty the whole time. That’s more than you can reasonably expect out of anyone.
So by this point, maybe the good-natured Sweet Buttery Lover is exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Maybe he just can’t tolerate any more disrespect.
As if on cue, here it comes. More disrespect, in the shape of a hand like a frying pan being swung from a rope.
The force of Garry’s slap is so great that it sends the much bigger Scrumptious spinning around, leaving him open for a slap from the other hand. Leroy spins the other way, so Garry cocks back his arm again…but this time, just before impact, Scrumptious grabs the arm and pulls the Generalissimo in for a belly-to-belly suplex!
Leroy Scrumptious: Oooh, bitch! You are in for it now!
“Hot Buttered” Leroy Scrumptious grabs Garry off the floor and hoists the lanky slap fighter up over his head, then turns toward the bar.
This isn’t going to do maximum damage, since most of the bottles are broken by now…but there’s still some shelves, and the mirror.
Which means a whole lot of bad luck for Ray-Ray.
With a mighty heave, Scrumptious tosses Garry Bolamba into the wall; the bar setup explodes in a shower of wood and glass.
Garry slumps to the floor, while a seething Leroy Scrumptious looks for someone else to fight.
Lockhart and Daniels start teaming up on Powerslam Anubis, but Coral Avalon sneaks in and drags Daniels to the floor. He goes for an omoplata, possibly looking for Vortigern’s Pillory, but she keeps rotating her body in order to escape.
Samson Dynamite picks up the remains of the wagon wheel and starts rolling it after Randall Schwartz. La Loca Provocativa runs up behind Dynamite, vaults onto his shoulders, and takes him down with a flying headscissor, then follows with a double stomp to the chest.
Okay, pump the brakes. There’s something we need to discuss.
Don’t worry, this will only take a minute.
Have y’all ever seen Masha And The Bear? No? Okay, first of all, get cultured. Second, here’s all you need to know. Masha And The Bear is a Russian cartoon about a rambunctious, naughty, hyperactive little shit named Masha and her relationship with a bear who’s just trying to live his goddamn life but can’t get a moment’s peace because this fucking kid keeps wrecking his shit. Like, you’re a bear, dude. She’s a four year old girl. You can just eat her. You can just eat her, and no one will even notice, because it’s not like this kid’s parents seem to give a great goddamn what she does with her days, else she wouldn’t be off galavanting through the woods with a LIVE BEAR.
So why bring this up? Because Angel Quinley, despite her talent, skews very close to Masha on the “hyperactive and obnoxious” scale. And Ivan Stanislav, who is not an actual bear despite his nickname, has well and truly had enough of her shit, especially since the lunatic just threw herself off the balcony at him.
Just right off the goddamn balcony. One minute she’s up there, and sees him on the floor below, and then it’s all jumping, and crashing, and “Wheeeeeee!” the whole way down.
If she spends the next week trapped in her couch, this will be why. This, or what comes next.
The impact knocks both of them over a table and creates a crack in the floor. When Quinley eventually gets to her feet, she’s surprised at how much taller she seems to be. Also moving seems to take no effort at all, because it feels like floating. It’s only when she looks down does she understand why.
And that’s when Ivan does what that other bear should have done years ago and yeets that kid through an open window.
ANGEL QUINLEY ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (54:41)
Johnny Dorn traps Anna Daniels in a chokehold, then quickly swings around and catches her with the Shot of Malört, a move considerably less disgusting than its namesake. He does a crotch chop over her fallen body, then a second, but gets leveled by a spear from Leroy Scrumptious before he can get to a third.
Powerslam Anubis and Samson Dynamite drag each other across the hall, back toward the stage. Perhaps their next trick requires a bit more showmanship? Maybe Anubis will sing? I hope not!
Garry Bolamba crawls out from behind the bar, but immediately gets kicked in the head by La Loca Provocativa. She does a standing moonsault next, but this one catches a chest full of Garry’s bony, lanky shins.
Sheriff Bolamba lays into Ratigan’s chest with a series of brutal chops, then grabs a bottle from one of the few remaining tables and smashes it over the Rotten Apple’s head.
He’d had enough of the prick. Time to finish this.
Timo lays Ratigan out on the table, throwing a few more shots to the face for good measure, then heads for the stairs.
Meanwhile, Brandon Youngblood and Magnus Destructo have renewed their hostilities. They attack each other with wooden chairs, each one jockeying for an opening and swinging for the fences like they were trying to bring back Chair Shot Bingo or something.
If you’re watching this, please do not try to bring back Chair Shot Bingo.
Magnus Destructo wins the Bingo round by shattering his chair over Youngblood’s back, then ramming his head into a balcony support.
Timo climbs the stairs, shrugging off the pain acquired by a lifetime of beatings and the last hour or so of insane brutality. Once at the top of the balcony, he stands in the gap where the railing had been destroyed earlier in the fight. Timo looks down at the table, where T.J. Ratigan is still immobile. The Samoan Silencer will soar again.
Just a few feet below him, Youngblood blocks Magnus’ attack and reverses it, now slamming the other man’s head into the post. Magnus staggers back, allowing Youngblood to grip him around the waist, summon his remaining strength, and hoist Destructo into the air.
Overhead belly-to-belly suplex, directly into the support post.
The question that presents itself: which of the balcony’s posts was this? Was it, perhaps, the one that wasn’t broken?
As both men slump to the ground, the balcony gives off a series of distressing noises. More wood cracking, nails pulling loose. The damage to the structure feeds into itself, widening the cracks in the beams and causing the platform to buckle. That’s really bad news for anyone who’s still up there…like our noble Sheriff Bolamba.
Despite his uneasy footing, Timo leaps. The flip that follows isn’t the most beautiful he’s ever done, and there’s a good question whether he’ll make the full rotation at all. But he does make it all the way around, ending with his leg headed straight for T.J. Ratigan’s chest.
The Fist of the Heavens is mighty and unstoppable, and leaves only destruction in its wake.
The table explodes in a shower of dust and splinters, leaving both men motionless on the floor.
Garry Bolamba hits Ivan Stanislav with a chair, then with a beer bottle, then with the Homicycle. Ivan rips it from Garry’s hands, then hits Garry with the Homicycle. Finally, he throws it on the floor, picks up Bolamba in his two big meaty paws, and hits the Homicycle with Garry.
There’s no singing or acting on this stage; just two big, meaty men slapping meat. The men in this case are Powerslam Anubis of the Crownless Kingdom and Samson Dynamite of… Michigan.
For every shot Anubis throws, Dynamite throws one right back. In this two-man punch dance no one can seem to decide which one leads and which one follows, but it’s Dynamite who gets knocked off the stage first. I suppose you could say those chairs broke his fall, which might be technically true, but also isn’t the sort of argument you want to make to a man who was just thrown off a stage.
Look, I’m just saying. It’s good advice.
Anubis hops down from the stage looking to judge a man’s heart against a pile full of busted saloon furniture, but doesn’t get very far before a still-quite-lively Dynamite bursts free from his wooden tomb and heaves a chair at Anubis. The chair goes wide, and falls through one of the holes that’s been punched in the walls.
Big Nubs (that is not his name, do not call him that) reaches for the closest thing he can find as he prepares for another Dynamite assault. What does he find? A hook. Apparently when it’s not being destroyed piecemeal by wrestlers this establishment needs a way to get bad performers off the stage. It’s long enough that when Dynamite moves in, Big Daddy Papyrus (also not his name) manages to get the curve of the hook behind his opponent’s neck and pull him off course.
Samson Dynamite crashes into the wall, but unfortunately for him it’s a part of the wall that just happens to be next to a giant hole. This means it’s structurally unsound, and isn’t able to withstand the full force of his potent masculine form crashing into it.
SAMSON DYNAMITE ELIMINATED by Powerslam Anubis (56:34)
With two of the heavy hitters temporarily out of action, the rest of the participants are taking their opportunity to shine.
Sheriff Bolamba is finally starting to stir, but so is Ratigan. Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba desperately tries to revive his father, but accidentally steps on T.J.’s tender groinals in the process, which wakes the Rotten Little Bastard right up.
Coral Avalon brawls with Johnny Dorn while Leroy Scrumptious chases down Randall Schwartz. Powerslam Anubis climbs down from the stage, just in time to catch a full-speed headbutt from Schwartz…which, thanks to his seated position, catches Anubis right in the ol’ Scales of Dominion.
La Loca Provocativa has her sights set. It’s time to do something awesome.
Anna Daniels and Ria Lockhart are brawling with Ivan Stanislav. Worn down by the length of the match, Ivan can no longer laugh off their attacks, but neither is he pushed back. They do occupy all of his attention, though.
Loca grabs one of the boards that had, until recently, formed the balcony, and set one end of it on a table. Now she’s got a ramp. She backs off a few feet, then runs.
She runs up her ramp to the table. (Sorry, Inclined Plane fans, but that bet is already settled.) She leaps from the table, springing off of Leroy Scrumptious’ shoulder for extra height, then lets her momentum carry her into a spin. Amazingly, Ivan comes along for the ride, and ‘round and ‘round he goes.
Unfortunately, there’s a point where you need less ‘round and ‘round, and more down and down. Ivan doesn’t seem interested in that part. But that’s where Daniels and Lockhart intervene, landing stereo kicks to Ivan’s knees. The big man’s joints buckle, and moments later La Loca Provocativa drives his head into the floor with a tornado DDT!
The spike is so severe that Stanislav flips over on his back, and now lies only a few feet from the door. She desperately tries to lift the giant Russian, or roll him over, or anything she can do to inch him closer to elimination. Finally she tries pulling on his arm, to at least get him to a seated position.
She’s so focused on her work that she doesn’t have time to steel herself, or even set her feet. She only has enough time to look up and see Wrigleyville’s Finest barrelling at her, then driving a foot into her chest with a vicious pump kick. She goes flying as if it were a shotgun blast, and out the door she goes.
LA LOCA PROVOCATIVA ELIMINATED by Johnny Dorn (57:20)
Johnny Dorn: Holy shit, that one went all the way to Waveland!
Ratigan grabs Leroy by the back of the head and rams him into the top of the bar. Unfortunately for ol’ Hot Buttered, his face lands in a puddle of something wet, and Ratigan begins trying to use Leroy’s stubble like a sponge to wipe up the mess.
In the chaos, something behind the bar catches Leroy’s eye, and he fires off a back elbow to try and give himself some space. A second connects in the same spot, and Ratigan takes a single step back. It’s just the opening Leroy needs. He grabs an empty mug off the counter and bonks TJ on the head with it. Not hard enough to break it, but just hard enough that it’s going to sting like hell for a few minutes before the welt starts forming.
Having bought himself some time, the wrestling chef darts behind the bar and retrieves his quarry.
When they reminisce about this match later, some competitors will swear up and down that they heard the infamous melody of John Williams’ “The Raiders March.” They’ll all be correct, but that’s because Leroy is singing it as he dons the leather jacket and hat. And then there’s a matter of the whip.
OK, the whip might be the same one used by Sasha Loveless…but that outfit definitely isn’t hers. How did this get there? The Department of Convenience works in mysterious ways. Mysterious…yet convenient.
Leroy hops up onto the bar now in full Indiana Jones cosplay, and the sight of the whip is enough to send Ratigan running. Leroy gives chase, and then lashes out with the flail, but “Rotten” TJ Ratigan is not the target. No, instead Leroy tries to grapple the chandelier as an anchor point.
He grabs the whip with both hands. He runs. He leaps.
He tumbles onto the floor, because he’s a thicc boi with a grudge against gravity and two hands that are slippery from wiping away whatever was on that bar when Ratigan rubbed his face in it. Literally.
Staggering and unsteady, he’s not quite sure where he is when Ratigan charges at him with a stool and shoves him the final few feet towards the door.
LEROY SCRUMPTIOUS ELIMINATED by T.J. Ratigan (58:03)
The Bolambas have restarted their own family feud, trading slaps from one side and headbutts from the other.
Most of the competitors have gathered in the center of the bar. Stanislav, Lockhart, Daniels, Dorn, Avalon, Anubis, and even Ratigan, now that he stumbles back into their midst.
At last, Randall Schwartz can relax.
He rolls to a stop close by what used to be the balcony, then turns around so he can survey the chaos from a safe distance. His good arm is sore from all the wheeling, his breath ragged, his blood pressure through the roof (and Dr. Badguy can’t help ‘cause someone stole his BP meds.)
The problem is, if he wants to observe chaos…he’s looking the wrong way.
He doesn’t see the rubble shift, or the dust-covered hand poke out of the debris. But he does hear the growl. It’s low and guttural, a message of warning that comes far too late.
Randall slowly turns around, afraid of what he knows will be there. It’s…
Still just a pile of wood and dust and parts of the wall. Nothing to be afraid of.
At least, not until the monster stands up.
ARISE, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!!
Magnus Destructo: GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Schwartz, in a frenzy, rolls away backwards without looking. That allows him to bowl over Anna Daniels, who had also tried to escape the madness in the center of the Madhouse.
Meanwhile, Ria Lockhart is in trouble.
Behind her is four hundred pounds of Russian-in-a-cowboy-hat, stalking her up the stairs to the balcony. Ria is usually willing to fight everything and everybody, because everything and everybody isn’t enough for her but she has to make do somehow. But in this case, she knows that the indomitable Ivan Stanislav is going to require more than just her trusty friends “Fuckin’ A” and “Fuckin’ B”. Those are her fists. She didn’t name them. I did. Shut up.
The problem is, he’d chased her up the stairs. You know, where there’s a balcony.
Oh, wait, no, there isn’t. Well, shit, that’s a problem.
Ria realizes her situation when she gets up there, too. Behind her is a Russian who might just break her like a Kit-Kat Bar, and not in the way Kit-Kat Bars are meant to be broken, either. No, Ivan is a degenerate, at least in terms of the way Kit-Kat Bars are broken. He breaks them sideways. The nerve.
In front of her is a balcony that isn’t there anymore. Which is a problem, as established. But then she sees the rope leading to the chandelier. An idea quickly comes to fruition. Is it an idea that might get her out of this situation? Yes. Is it a bad idea? Oh baby, yes.
Ria shrugs her shoulders, and produces a knife. Why does she have a knife? Don’t ask questions. As Ivan gets closer, Ria shreds the rope with her knife and allows momentum and prayers and a strong enough grip to zip her out of danger.
Uh, by the way… everyone on the ground floor? Look out below!
The man (god?) that takes the full brunt of it is Powerslam Anubis, but also getting caught underneath the chandelier are Johnny Dorn, T.J. Ratigan and Coral Avalon. Ratigan and Avalon feel it coming and hit the deck immediately, leaving Anubis and Dorn to get a chandelier on their heads.
Still dangling high above the Madhouse, Ria looks down at whoever’s still standing after that. She sees Ivan staring incredulously at her and the carnage that’s now below him. Then Ria spots one man who’s so busy gawking at the chandelier that’s fallen that he has no idea what’s going on above him. That man looks like Larry Bird. That man generally has no idea what’s going on in general, but especially not right now.
Oh, what’s a little self-destruction here and there if it means somebody else gets to come along for the ride? She kicks her feet out and swings, and then comes flying down to the ground with something resembling a shooting star plancha. Her aim is true, and Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson only notices maybe a few moments before Ria lands on him.
He goes down yelling.
Ria recovers first. Somehow. She’s made of strong stuff, and she pulls Garry to his feet. Garry is dazed, confused, and doesn’t know where he is. The only difference between that and how he normally was is just the pain, really, so Ria is able to muscle the far taller and bigger Garry up to his feet and guide him to the window.
Then she hits him with a forearm hard enough to tip the tall man with a curious resemblance to an NBA Hall of Fame power forward through the window and out of the match!
GARRY BOLAMBA ELIMINATED by Ria Lockhart (59:45)
The remains of the balcony finally give birth to another battered warrior in Brandon Youngblood. Covered in dust and splintered, disoriented from the ordeal he just survived. But he knows the fight isn’t over yet, so he shakes his marbles back into place and rejoins the fray.
Sheriff Bolamba grabs the whip from the floor, and chokes Ivan Stanislav with it. Coral Avalon deftly avoids a kick from Anna Daniels, and she blocks an elbow strike in return.
Randall Schwartz is running on adrenaline and fear now. I think he’s actually moving faster than when the match started.
Johnny Dorn is ducked behind an overturned table.
Johnny Dorn: The next poor bastard that comes this way… is getting a Shot of Malört!
His victim approaches and Johnny leaps out! He locks in the ¾ Nelson and looks to drop!… But doesn’t budge. He tugs, to no avail.
Brandon Youngblood: You really thought this would work, you stupid bastard?
Yes. Johnny Dorn tried to drop Brandon Youngblood with a cutter. The plan has backfired. Youngblood grips Dorn around the waist and heaves back!
Johnny Dorn: OH GOD OH MAN!
A German Suplex sends Dorn bouncing off a table and to the ground! The Suplex Daddy stomps over to the incapacitated Johnny then drags him to his feet, hooking his arms underneath Dorn’s. An overhead toss sends Johnny flying through a window!
JOHNNY DORN ELIMINATED by Brandon Youngblood (60:17)
Powerslam Anubis digs himself out of the wreckage of the chandelier, as dazed and confused as any Egyptian god of powerslams could be. His ornamental jackal’s mask and the hat that’d been on top of it had been knocked off, leaving only the dreadlocked man underneath it.
The moment he gets his hands on someone, he yeets them out of the way. That someone happens to be Randall Schwartz, who reacts predictably.
Randall Schwartz: Aiiiiiie!
Fortunately for him, Anubis is weakened. It’s more like he pushes him out of the way and he rolls into the wall. Randall hurriedly grips the wheels of his chair and hauls all of the ass out of dodge.
His lone remaining teammate among the Crownless Kingdom, Coral Avalon, knows to stay out of his way. He also has Brandon Youngblood to deal with, and though the two are friends today, they’re battling it out in a Wild West-style saloon for reasons. The soon-to-be PRIME 5-Star Champion and soon-to-be PRIME Universal Champion are circling one another, staring intently. Also, both of them are still wearing cowboy hats, though no one can be certain if they’re the same hats any more. There’s a lot of them lying on the ground now.
There’s sudden movement.
Youngblood makes a grab for Avalon’s hat, but Avalon ducks away and tries to snatch Youngblood’s hat instead. It goes on like that for a bit, with every move less about causing pain to the other man and more about who can take the other’s hat first.
Meanwhile, Anubis looks up and sees a small army standing before him. Ria Lockhart, Ivan Stanislav, Magnus Destructo, Anna Daniels, and T.J. Ratigan stand before him. All at once, Anubis understands what’s going on. The Great Arbitrator, the Judgement King himself… is clearly the great threat. Well, that and Ivan doesn’t believe in him.
Powerslam Anubis: Fools! You are but mortals, and you dare to conspire against a god?
T.J. Ratigan: YOU’RE a butt mortal!
They descend upon him. Ria hits him over the head with a bottle. He’s so disoriented that when he goes down to one knee, he takes an Interrobang from Daniels that knocks him silly. He drunkenly shoves Ria and Daniels away, but he’s vulnerable and disoriented. That lets Ratigan break a wooden chair over his head, wrapping the wood around him like it’s a necklace.
Ivan is too proud to admit it, but he might actually need help yeeting a man his size out of the building. Enter Magnus Destructo. The two titans grab Anubis by his arms and then, with a mighty heave, toss him through the saloon doors and out of the Madhouse!
POWERSLAM ANUBIS ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav and Magnus Destructo (61:06)
CUT TO: Outside
Powerslam Anubis lies on the ground for a few moments, with the remains of a wooden chair still wrapped around his neck. He suddenly sits up, and looks around. He catches sight of Deputy Barlow, who is slowly backing away…and then he sees why. One of the little skunks (from a previous pulting) scampers up and sits on Powerslam Anubis’ lap.
Still disoriented from what’s just transpired, he asks it a question.
Powerslam Anubis: O malodorous mortal, I beseech thee… was my piano playing really that bad?
He gets no answer. But he does get a lick on the nose.
We are down to the final ten of the Madhouse, and the madness is starting to calm. Somewhat. There’s still fighting between eight of the remaining participants – Brandon Youngblood, T.J. Ratigan, Anna Daniels, Coral Avalon, Magus Destructo, Ivan Stanislav, Timo Bolamba, and Ria Lockhart.
And then there’s the two participants on wheels.
Randall Schwartz is staring at the enemy across from him, hands on the wheels of his wheelchair. Sweat forms above his brow, his teeth clenched. Any wrong move could be his end. Out of everybody in this room, Randall knew that what laid before him was the deadliest enemy possible.
The camera pans to see the face of this great threat, the one who could turn the entire Madhouse upside-down in their wake.
There is the sound of a bicycle horn, and the great wheel of the pennyfarthing-style Crimson Miracle Bloody-Blood Death Homicycle comes into view. In the background, there is the sound of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” being played on old-timey piano. Somehow. Anubis was just eliminated, so that’s not his doing.
We cut back to Randall, whose eyes narrow.
Then we cut to the Homicycle’s handlebars, which seem almost menacing with that anachronistic blood red paint job it’s got going on. Or… maybe it’s fresh with the blood of its enemies in the Madhouse?
We cut back to one of Randall’s hands, gripping the wheels of his wheelchair. He’s ready to make a move.
Then we cut back over to the Homicycle’s back wheel, which seems… it’s not moving on its own, is it?
We cut back to Randall one more time. He yells. He’s ready to do this.
An exterior shot of the doors of the saloon where the Madhouse is taking place. Despite the great hole in the wall next to the doors, everything seems perfectly fine by the standards of the Madhouse.
And then, suddenly, Randall Schwartz is flying out the doors, upside-down, ejected from the bar just like he was born: screaming. He lands on his back several feet from the doors. His wheelchair lands right next to him moments later on one wheel… and then tips over and falls on top of him.
RANDALL SCHWARTZ ELIMINATED by the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle (62:20)
The fighting has stopped.
Ivan Stanislav is over sixty years old. He believes he’d seen everything there is to see in the sport of professional wrestling, and in life in general. At least, he did. But even he doesn’t quite comprehend what he’s witnessed.
T.J. Ratigan looks pale. For months, he’d witnessed messages from something purporting to be the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle. Those messages are always single words. “die”. “kill”. “murder”. “destroy”. For months, he’s felt like the only man who knows how that fucked up that is. Now, he’s seen something he can barely comprehend.
Coral Avalon looks pale. He’s already been a victim of the Homicycle several times, but it’d always been in the company of its “keeper”, Rory Hayes. But Hayes was eliminated from the Madhouse ages ago. He takes in that terrifying information while his hand is frozen on Youngblood’s hat.
Brandon Youngblood also looks pale. Even the stalwart Diamond of PRIME’s ReVival Era doesn’t know what to make of the Homicycle. That one’s fucking new. He’s so dumbfounded by what he’s seen that he not only doesn’t realize that Avalon has his hat, but he himself has Avalon’s hat.
Sheriff Bolamba also also looks pale. The Homicycle had once been his son, winning the prestigious title of “Bolamba” in a wrestling match that is definitely a fair and legal way to determine one’s paternity to the Bolamba family name. Now, here in his presence, he truly begins to understand what kind of power such a name could give something.
Ria Lockhart doesn’t know what the fuck happened, but she does know that it might have been the dumbest bullshit she’s ever seen.
Magnus Destructo looks like he wants to decapitate something a little more than usual.
Anna Daniels just yawns. For her, this feels like a Sunday. This shit always happens on Sunday.
No matter what, though, all eight of them make a silent agreement. They descend upon the Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle. Stanislav and Destructo yeet it together, yet the Homicycle somehow remains in play as though gravity itself denies the powers of Russia and heavy metal working in tandem. Daniels and Lockhart, sisters from other misters, gang up on the Homicycle with kicks and stomps. Youngblood somewhat politely clears them out so he can suplex it, and he sits up from the act with an expression that says “wait, did I just suplex a fucking bicycle?”
Sheriff Bolamba and T.J. Ratigan are mortal enemies on opposite sides of the law. But if it could, evil would stand on the same side as good if the battle was against oblivion. Sheriff Bolamba executes a very ill-advised moonsault on the Homicycle from the top of the bar. T.J. Ratigan picks up one of the few intact wooden chairs left in the building and smashes it over the Homicycle’s frame.
It’s not enough, though.
The Homicycle still isn’t eliminated. In fact, it seems to just be growing stronger. Somehow. We’re actually not sure how this works.
Enter Coral Avalon.
He grabs the Homicycle by the handlebars. He’s been waiting for this revenge for months. He lifts the Homicycle up and drives it down to the ground with the weirdest Excalibur you’ll have ever seen in your life. He quickly picks it up and with all of his strength, manages to hurl it out of the doors with something like a judo throw.
CRIMSON MIRACLE BLOODY BLOOD DEATH HOMICYCLE ELIMINATED by Coral Avalon (63:32)
Coral catches his balance and turns to the other seven people in the room. He jerks a thumb over his shoulder.
Coral Avalon: Just so we’re all clear… None of us are gonna talk about this ever again.
Nobody responds, vocally or physically. But the agreement is made, all the same.
Then, the war begins again.
The eight remaining competitors pair off. Daniels and Avalon square up against each other. Ria Lockhart tackles T.J. Ratigan and peppers him with fists. Bolamba, now wielding the hammer-and-sickle branding iron, tries to fend off Ivan Stanislav. As for Destructo and Youngblood?
It was always coming back to these two.
Brandon Youngblood and Magnus Destructo have given each other hell all match, and they haven’t run out yet. They lay into each other with strikes that would knock out lesser men who didn’t just have a balcony dropped on them.
Destructo goes for a grapple, but the moment he brings his head in close, Youngblood drives his forehead into the bridge of Magnus’ nose. The Monster of Destructovania staggers backward, and Youngblood takes advantage by throwing more devastating chops and forearms. Soon Magnus finds himself with his back to the wall–literally–right in front of the long-since broken window.
Well, that’s not nearly dramatic enough. Can we do something about this?
The Anger Golem tries to lift the giant’s leg, but that opens him up to an attack from above. Magnus rains down hammer blows over Youngblood’s back, then shoves him away.
Behind them, two men can be seen outside the building. They are both wearing black shirts with “Dave” written in white letters, and they are carrying a huge plate of glass. They come to a stop right outside the window, presumably to take a short break.
Don’t worry about it.
Brandon rolls right to his feet and charges. He’s running purely on rage, instinct, and adrenaline. This monster has not shied away from a single attack sent his way, absorbing the damage and shrugging them off. But not this time.
Brandon holds out his arm for a mighty lariat, and Magnus does the one thing Youngblood wasn’t expecting, the one thing Destructo hasn’t done all match.
The momentum carries the Diamond up…and over…
…but not out.
He braces his arms against the ledge and somehow manages to halt his momentum. Magnus tries to flip him through, but Youngblood brings his knee down into Magnus’ head. Finally he lowers himself to the ground, but he never quite gets there either.
Magnus Destructo’s shoulder is in the way.
The colossus stands up, with Suplex Daddy draped over his shoulder. He holds Brandon’s arms out in the inverted crucifix position, and aims toward the window.
Through the window.
Through the glass.
Damn near through the boardwalk.
And for tonight, anyway, Brandon Youngblood is through.
BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD ELIMINATED by Magnus Destructo (64:52)
Ria Lockhart has not been in a situation like this since Great American Nightmare, but that was still different. There were fewer wrestlers and a lot more barbed wire there. But she has done what she does best thus far.
Rainbow Rock surveys the scene, looking for somewhere to keep her back to a standing wall while being able to strike with a Lock Cutter at any angle. She’s coiled, ready to strike, like a viper. But there is one competitor left who does not fear the serpent’s bite.
Ivan Stanislav stalks over towards Ria, who rolls her eyes at the mere thought of the big bad Russian picking a fight with her. Nevertheless, she stands tall.
Ivan Stanislav: Oh look at you, trying to act tough in front of the great Russian Bear. I will crush you.
Ria Lockhart: Shut the fuck up and fight you hot air balloon.
Ria strikes first. A forearm to the chest of the former PCW and OSW Champion. It bounces off him like a rock off the shield of a riot cop. She loads up another forearm, but Ivan grabs it easily with his meaty paw.
Ivan Stanislav: DYA-HA-HA!
He throws her back and charges in with a huge lariat, but Ria ducks deftly under, shooting behind him with a kick to the inside of his knee. He doesn’t fall down, but he stumbles a little. She jabs with her foot again, and again until finally, he falls down to one knee. This is her chance. She sizes him up from the back, waiting for the right angle. She finds it. Running start.
Through one of the last tables standing.
This is it. She can eliminate the Russian Bear if she can just drag him over to the door. However, 400 pounds of dead weight is harder to drag than it sounds. She grabs his tree trunk-like arm and pulls, but he doesn’t budge. A second time. No dice. A third time she lurches forward with success, but as she turns around, she notices something.
Ivan Stanislav: Dya. Ha. Ha.
He’s on his feet.
The Bear grabs Ria by her throat and tosses her in the air. Iron Curtain follows. She crashes to the floor, writhing in pain as she connects with the ground. Ivan stalks over to pick her up, but she beats him to the punch, rising to her feet with steely resolve. He goes to clutch her throat again, but she’s not taking it.
She bites on the side of his massive hand, causing him to leave his feet just long enough for her to knock him back with a charging forearm. He stumbles, and Ria strikes once again.
Except she doesn’t follow through. Because Ivan Stanislav has stopped her in her tracks. He lifts Rainbow Rock up over his head, stalks towards the door, and…
Ria lands prone on her side, the victim of a violent throw from The Russian Bear. She’s been eliminated, but Ivan, well, Ivan felt her mark for sure.
RIA LOCKHART ELIMINATED by Ivan Stanislav (66:05)
Timo Bolamba is sucking air right now. The Madhouse has tested him to his limits, and even though he’s maintained impeccable shape, the rigors of such a drawn-out match have caught up with him. However, he has attracted someone looking for anyone with signs of fatigue.
TJ Ratigan: Alright you motherFRIENDer, time to get tossed on your TUCHUS.
Timo Bolamba: Aye talofa…
Ratigan charges in, but Timo goes low with a thrusting chop to the scoundrel’s breadbasket, following up with a hard knee lift.
TJ Ratigan: Son of a SEX WORKER!
Timo peppers his chest with hard chops, each one eliciting another different bit of profanity from Ratigan. TJ tries to cover up, but Timo hits him with a kick to his thigh, which exposes his head for a wrangle and a neckbreaker to the hardwood floor.
TJ Ratigan: GOSH FRIENDING DARNIT CHEESE AND TITTYFRIENDING CRACKERS!!
I think he’s going to break the Ratigan Filter.
Timo Bolamba: Do I have to make you stop cursing manually?
The Silencer sets out to make his nickname literal, lifting Ratigan up to his knees and giving him a vicious cross chop to the throat.
TJ Ratigan: ACK that’s it you FRENCHLORD…
He grabs a broken piece of wood from one of the furnishings destroyed during the match and swings wildly. His aim is not true enough, but the jagged edges from the chair leg catch Timo in his exposed midsection. Although it doesn’t break skin, the scratch causes Timo to cover up and recoil, giving TJ the chance to strike.
TJ Ratigan: Ahaaha FROG yes!
He clips Timo’s knee and starts working him over with stomps. He takes the chair leg and jams the blunt end down on Bolamba’s back, causing the PRIME senior official to shout out in utter agony.
TJ Ratigan: BAHAHAHA this is GOLF DAN sweet!
He goes to pick Timo up and wrangles him in position for his finisher, the Copperhead Road (think a move called the Blade Runner from another universe). However, Bolamba has fight left in him. He elbows his way out of Ratigan’s grasp, one, two, with the third one setting him free. He composes himself while Ratigan turns around to recover. Timo gives him no quarter. Three quick chops to the back, and TJ shoots up.
TJ Ratigan: SHIRT-BREATHING CORK SNIFFER!
Timo lines up his shot. He’s going for a big roundhouse kick, but at the last second possible, TJ grabs the ankle, a desperate counter that saves him from having his bell rung. He does the only thing he thinks to do in this situation.
He kicks Timo in his widely exposed (but still covered, this is R-rated, not X-rated) groin.
TJ Ratigan: RIGHT IN THE FUNKO YAMBAG! AHA!
Ratigan drags Timo, clutching his coconuts, towards the door and throws him out like yesterday’s garbage.
TIMO BOLAMBA ELIMINATED by T.J. Ratigan (67:11)
Down to four men and a Time Lord with multitudes within them that really kinda shows how outnumbered the men are.
Ivan Stanislav is getting tired. He’s been brawling for some time, but he’s found that the remaining competitors – Ratigan, Avalon, Daniels, and Destructo – are all irritatingly difficult to swat. Ratigan is too crafty. Avalon is too savvy. Daniels is too evasive. Destructo just wants to smash. The mighty Russian is finally brought down to one knee.
Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to do anything about two of the competitors.
An errant Rhongomyniad from Avalon misses its mark, as Stanislav gets out of the way before it could his kneeling form in the face. Instead, the yakuza kick hits Magnus Destructo. Magnus takes the blow and is knocked backwards by a few inches, but the expression on his heavy metal face tells most of the story. The dawning realization on Avalon’s face that he might have fucked this up tells the rest of it.
Coral Avalon: Oh.
Magnus pushes Ivan aside, and starts marching towards the Crownless King. Avalon is not a coward. Avalon is also not the sort of person who would resort to using a weapon in this weapon-laden environment to even the odds. His only option is to fire off a European uppercut to rattle Magnus’s jaw.
It’s not unlike trying to uppercut heavy metal itself.
Magnus shrugs off the strike, grabs Avalon by the sides of his head, and hurls him close to the swinging doors. Avalon is only inches from elimination, but manages to stop himself before he can slide outside.
Magnus approaches. He can only ever move forward in the direction of murders. Avalon stands and meets him with a Rhongomyniad. The kick is usually very effective, but Magnus’s size meant that Avalon’s boot could only reach his chest. And so, Magnus keeps coming. Avalon hits him with a European uppercut, then a second one, and each one rocks Magnus, but doesn’t even come close to taking him down.
That’s when Coral tries a different approach.
He ducks behind Magnus when he goes for the third uppercut, and then tries to push him through the doors. Magnus, however, grabs the sides of the door frame and doesn’t go through. When Coral tries to press things, Magnus shrugs him off.
Avalon hits the ground and rolls to his feet, and then charges at Magnus for another Rhongoymniad.
And Coral Avalon does a very admirable job in yakuza kicking the doors, the momentum causing him to go through and sending him stumbling to his own elimination.
CORAL AVALON ELIMINATED by Magnus Destructo (68:04)
Coral stands outside of the doors, bewildered at first, until he realizes that he’s out of the Madhouse. He puts his hands on his hips and stares up at the sky.
Coral Avalon: Dammit.
T.J. Ratigan has thrived so far by embracing the chaos. Considering the target he had on his back, he made it a lot farther than anyone expected. But something happens every time Ratigan is in a huge match like this, and it’s happening again.
Ratigan isn’t the biggest threat. He’s not the strongest, or the meanest, or the smartest.
But the other three have decided that he’s so goddamn annoying that he needs to go.
His braying laugh is cut short by a knife-edge chop from Magnus Destructo.
T.J. Ratigan: STUFF!
Ivan Stanislav levels him with a shoulder block.
T.J. Ratigan: Son of a BEACH!
As the Rotten Apple staggers back to his feet, Magnus drops him again with a big boot.
T.J. Ratigan: FISH!
Ratigan has been saying all kinds of words, all night. But Anna Daniels only has three for him.
Fuck. Your. Head.
A series of devastating kicks, one after the other. A superkick spins him around; a spinning heel kick knocks him down again. As soon as he pushes himself off the ground, he gets a pump kick for his troubles. One of his few remaining real teeth flies out of his mouth.
T.J. Ratigan: You FRIENDING BIRCH!
Anna Daniels: You don’t even know what a friending birch we are.
She pulls Ratigan up by his hair…then up by a double underhook.
While Magnus Destructo and Ivan Stanislav renew their hostilities, Daniels scoops up Ratigan and dumps him unceremoniously through the doors.
T.J. RATIGAN ELIMINATED by Anna Daniels (68:53)
As the doors flap open and closed, we can see Ratigan try to push himself off of the dirt. Unfortunately, he never gets the chance, thanks to the sudden reappearance of cowboy boot-wearing ninjas.
Stupid bastard; he thought we were done.
Out back again.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Hello, yes. The money is still in the upper room, yes? How are we supposed to get it down, with the balcony gone?
Charles Beckett: Hmm. Good question.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: We still have some skunks left.
It’s true. The little stinky guys are scampering around the general area, still wearing their adorable lil helmets.
Charles Beckett: Not sure they’re up for precision work. No, what we need is an average-sized human person.
Just the, an average-sized human person walks up to them. He also wears a black shirt with “Dave” written on it, though it is not one of the Daves we saw earlier.
Dave: Hi. I heard you were looking for an average-sized human person
Charles Beckett: Dave! What are you doing here?
Dave: We heard what you guys were doing today, and figured we better show up.
Charles Beckett: Glad to know I can still count on the Department of Convenience. Go on, hop in the bucket.
The two biggest men in the match, still there at the end. Going at it hammer-and-tongs.
A few steps away, Anna Daniels calculates the best way to take advantage.
She’s seen Magnus Destructo live up to his name over the course of this match. He’s also more of an unknown entity, which makes him much more dangerous.
However, she’s very familiar with Ivan Stanislav after working with him in PRIME for close to a year. The knowledge of his capabilities makes him no less dangerous.
The Muse concludes that the devil you know is, for once, worse than the devil you don’t, and hops on his back. Once there, she applies a sleeper hold, doing her best to cut off Ivan’s blood flow.
Ivan’s mighty Russian blood vessels might be as thick and strong as trees, but he’s also been fighting in this ridiculous affair for a very long time, and his insurmountable strength starts to fade. Stanislav cannot dislodge Daniels; he can only stagger forward, inching closer and closer to the door.
Finally, Magnus Destructo makes his move.
With all the speed he can muster, he charges at the huge Russian, crashing into him with a heavy shoulder block. Even a few minutes ago, this might not have done much. But now, when Ivan is exhausted from fighting and crawling through debris and pushing up a whole goddamn piano and having a tiny woman cut off the blood flow to his brain, it’s enough to push him pretty hard. Ivan stumbles into the door.
Here’s where Anna has to make a choice. She’s in that classic “tiger by the tail” scenario; she can’t hold on but doesn’t dare let go. If she simply jumps off, momentum is still likely to carry her out the door and to defeat, but there doesn’t seem to be another option. Maybe…
As Stanislav breaks the plane of the barroom door, Anna finally lets go of Ivan’s neck. She twists around and grabs one of the swinging doors, holding the top with her hands while bracing her feet against the bottom. This isn’t a perfect plan, as her momentum swings the door toward the outside wall. Anna has just enough time to let go with one hand, before the other gets slammed against the wall. She yelps in pain, but grabs the door again with her free hand so she can maintain her grip.
Meanwhile, Ivan Stanislav notices what Daniels is up to, and tries to do the same for the other door. Bit of a problem there, though. These doors were secured well enough to support one Anna Daniels…but not three. Still, Ivan must take the chance and hope his superior Russian genetics and moral strength will compensate for shoddy American workmanship. With a mighty, meaty hand, he grabs the door.
And it holds.
For…about a second.
Then the hinges tear loose from the wall, sending a shower of splinters and one very large man out into the street.
IVAN STANISLAV ELIMINATED by Magnus & Daniels (70:32)
And so, we are down to the last two. One of whom is, technically speaking, outside the building. The other is inside, waiting for her.
This will be tricky. Fortunately, Anna Daniels is good at tricky.
She braces her foot against the wall and kicks off as hard as she can, sending the door swinging back inward. Step One is success; time to figure out what Step Two is.
In mid-swing, Anna turns and leaps at Magnus. He was expecting her to come straight at him, but not at this elevation. That height allows Daniels to commit to her Step Two: kick in the head.
The big man goes down to one knee, and Daniels tries to follow up. Magnus catches that kick, spins Anna around, and lifts her up in a back suplex. Rather than bring her back down, he marches toward the door, hoping to throw her straight out. But this one time, his height works against him. Daniels is riding so high on the shoulder of the 6’10” behemoth that she is able to plant her feet against the top of the doorway; she then pushes off and slips behind Destructo.
Anna tries to shove him straight out the door; Magnus blocks the progress by planting his hands against the sides of the doorway, then firing straight back with a massive elbow.
He tries to send her straight out with an Irish whip; she holds onto his hand a little tighter than he expected and crashes into the wall instead. Hurt and disoriented, but still very much alive.
Magnus decides it’s time to fix that. He hoists the Time Lord into the air and drives her into the floor with a brutal powerbomb. He doesn’t let go, though. He hoists her back up to the powerbomb position, and turns toward the entrance…sort of. He sprints ahead, looking to bomb the Muse into oblivion. But not through the door…through the wall.
That’s the sound of the impact.
But a last-second hurricanrana meant that instead of Anna’s back going against the wall, it was Magnus’ head.
Destructo staggers wildly, looking like he’s about to collapse at any minute. He’s got just enough consciousness to see Daniels, and to swing at her, but Anna is able to dodge the blows…and lead him in a circle.
Where is she leading him? Right back to the door.
Another wild lariat makes Magnus Destructo lose his balance, and he goes down to a knee, mere inches away from elimination. And now that he’s lowered himself, Daniels is in perfect position for the Interrobang.
She drives her foot into the base of Magnus Destructo’s skull, and the Engine of Destruction gets turned off.
The momentum carries him forward, and with one roll, he is gone.
MAGNUS DESTRUCTO ELIMINATED by Anna Daniels (71:26)
From behind the building, there is a KER-CHUNK, the tell-tale sign of the skunk-a-pult in action. Moments later, the sound of a metal bar hitting against the sides of a large triangle, as if calling workers to dinner. But rather than multiple rings, this signal only lasts one strike per side.
DING, DING, DING
Daniels steps back into the bar room and surveys the carnage…and smiles.
Now, that was a fight.
WINNER: ANNA DANIELS
Still, there’s the little matter of the prize money. Those tinctures and tonics don’t make themselves, you know.
Moments after the thought enters her head, she sees a figure in a door on the upper floor. The figure is named Dave, if his shirt is to be believed, and he is holding a pair of saddlebags stuffed to the brim with cash…and, for whatever reason, a skunk.
He waves at Daniels, then drops the money to the floor. (The skunk is okay; she’s wearing a helmet.) The Muse nods, picks up the bags, and saunters out the door.
Fade to black.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
WE’LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON…
Writing (THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP YOU ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU):
Special thanks to everyone who shared their characters:
Alex (Randall Schwartz)
Brock (Bradlee Nelson, Garry Bolamba)
Brusch (Leyenda de Ocho)
Darin (Masked Bob Dole, La Hija de Pope John Paul II, El Hijo del Papel Higienico, Sir Loin)
Dillon (Representative Butcher X, Bex Savage, Angel Quinley, Brandon Youngblood)
Froot (El Hueso)
Heather (ARMBAR, Pedro Gonzales, Persona Non Grata, Mestizo, Anna Daniels)
Hutch (Ivan Stanislav)
Jake (Poop Mixed With Pee, Jr., QT Reese)
JD (Mr. Gas, Ultratron-6.1)
Jerry (Samson Dynamite)
Lindz (Big Blue Bug, Bowie Abrams, Johnny Dorn)
Luke (Suburban Savage, Beans McGee, Machine Gun Carnegie, Babyface Vanderbilt, Jezebel Jinx, Earl Bradley, Sarah Vaughn, Porky Stubbs, Sasha Loveless, Isabel Garza, Aardvark Mask Jr., Andrew Mitchell, Melissa Talamantez, The Wanderer, Luke Robinson, TJ Ratigan)
Matt (Dr. Marmalade, Brock Rockheave, Chico Super Genial, Leroy Scrumptious)
Nate (Quinn Fleetwood, El Cocodrilo, Roosevelt Black)
Nick (Steve McMillan, El Temblor, Eric Evans, Timo Bolamba)
Rawb (Rob Sharpe)
Renner (Greg New York, Lord Kurosame-sama, Kensuke BLACK, Rory Hayes, Riko Tsukino, Taka Sakuragi, Ignacio el Jaguar, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., Powerslam Anubis, Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle, Coral Avalon)
Ria (Ria Lockhart)
Straws (Magnus Destructo)
TH (Organ Donor, Maggot, Hambone Parkinson, Chick Grillbreast, Jimmy Donovan, Shoko Nabigata, La Loca Provocativa)
In memory of Ron Sago.