“COMPLETELY UNBIASED REPORT OF VICTORIOUS IVAN STANISLAV’S UNAMBIGUOUS TRIUMPH THE LIKES OF WHICH WILL NEVER BE SURPASSED IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT UNTIL HE WINS THE UNIVERSAL TITLE!!!”
Written By:100% American native John Smith
There was a special delivery sent straight to Petco Park on July 1, 2023. What was it?
Justice for PRIME.
Justice for wrestling fans.
Justice for Russia.
Justice for all hard working people worldwide.
In a scintillating opening Main Event at the PRIME Tropical Turmoil Pay-Per-View, The Russian Bear, Ivan Stanislav, delivered a win, and more, to the cheering crowd of honest, tolerable, and lovely people in attendance.
Stanislav, a former two time World Champion in PCW and OSW, wrapped up several loose ends and delivered retribution to multiple opponents that night. All of which so sorely deserved everything that they got. So much was done in so little time that it is quite hard to even write about a single flashpoint moment which shone brighter than the others.
Take Hayes Hanlon, for example. Hanlon, a former two time PRIME Universal Champion in his own right, is one of the most derided and reviled members of the PRIME roster. From his callous use of cheating tactics to weaseling his way into holding the aforementioned belt not once but twice, the crowd proudly sang a goodbye song, in Russian, while Hanlon sobbed and dragged himself backstage in disgrace.
“I gotta say,” said San Diego-ean native Joe-Bob Doherty, “I aint never seen such a shallackin’ as I saw that night against that Hanlon feller. Why, it made me wanna just take my red hat off with big ole white letters onnit, an’ instead put on a red hat with that darn tootin’ gold hammer an’ sickle. It just moved me to tears, by goodness! Praise the Lord!”
Hanlon, reportedly, threw an epic temper tantrum backstage and had to be consoled by other members of the roster. Reports are still unclear if he will continue to be on the PRIME roster, as rumor has it he was screaming “Maybe I’ll just go join HOW where all the other crybaby losers wrestle!!”
This puts a definitive period at the end of what has been an unfortunately long run-on sentence. Says wrestling historian Simon Merrick: “Oh this absolutely puts to rest any sort of doubt: Hayes Hanlon cannot possibly hope to ever stand up to Ivan Stanislav. In my expert opinion, his loss at Tropical Turmoil was such an abject embarrassment that not only will this go down as one of the greatest, one-sided defeats in the history of wrestling, but Mr. Hanlon might do well to just crawl into a hole and never return. I thank him in advance!”
Through the epic, near legendary beating, the other competitors in the ring could only stare in awe and fear.
But oh, they were not to be spared.
They fell like dominos. One by one. The Bayou Butcher, Paxton Ray, came under fire from the squirrely, evil forces in the ring, and while Stanislav was busy doling out retribution on Cancer Jiles, Ray was defeated.
We wish Ray the best. He clearly was the only other person in the ring with a brain, as he gave Stanislav a very wide berth.
But after human cockroach extraordinaire, Cancer Jiles, was nearly broken in half by The Iron Curtain, it took another wicked capitalist to capitalize on the hard wrought work of Ivan Stanislav: Nate Colton. More on him later.
“I have to say, I always hated sunglasses. So I’m glad that Cancer Jiles lost. It don’t make no sense,” said lifetime San Diego-er Samantha Sammy Sams as she sat on her front porch swing the day after and chewed tobacco and polishing an automatic rifle, “Cancer Jiles is named after Cancer. The sun can cause cancer. But he wears sunglasses? How can you trust a man like that? He’s obviously a complete moron.”
Obviously, Samantha, so obviously.
But it does bring to question this: How many times does someone need to be beaten to within an inch of their life, willingly, before someone steps in and puts them on suicide watch? One has to ask Nate Colton.
Two times in less than that many months, Colton has tried to wrestle The Russian Bear and has fallen short. First at PWA-02 and now at Tropical Turmoil. It was a cowardly display that, unfortunately, did not surprise anyone. Colton stole the Jiles pin from Stanislav, and then teamed up with resident loser Jared Sykes to fight, two on one, against the mighty Russian.
Clearly, no one taught fair play in the Colton household.
With a posterior so clenched in fear that it could have cracked a ball bearing, Colton did his best to wrestle Stanislav, the great vanquisher of all negative energy in PRIME, alongside Sykes and, you guessed it, failed absolutely miserably. His comeuppance, actually, did not manifest in the typical Stanislavian fashion, but rather via “friend” Sykes himself when Sykes bullishly clotheslined his “friend.”
“Oh Jared Sykes totally hit him on purpose. You can betch’er’ass he did,” said San Diego-arian of twenty-five years Cletus Bumsfeld, “I seen one o’ my cows clothesline someone just the same way, you know, but with their hooves, cuz they aint got no arms. They watch you with them smart eyes o’ theres, an’ then when you aint watching? Whammo! That’s what Sykes did to Colton. He might make it look like he was tryin’ to hit ole Ivan, bless his big Russian heart, but it was all premed… pre-mediated? I’m sorry I was in the American public school system an’ I aint learned nothing. Hey you wanna hear me say the pledge o’ allegiance??”
No Cletus, we don’t. Just keep working your farmland in San Diego, please.
We tried to get word from the Colton family about another embarrassment, but we have strong reports that Jake Colton is looking at disowning Nate for being “A complete and absolute loser.”
But all is not doom and gloom for Nate Colton. We asked a top genealogy expert, Dr. Abigail Abignail, who had these hopeful words: “To be honest, from our deep dive study into the Colton family, being disowned by such a cesspool of genetic failure is a step in the right direction.”
A silver lining in each and every cloud.
But the greatest and most insufferable injustice was attempted by would-be murderer and woman hater Jared Sykes. Sykes, who has been hounding Ivan Stanislav for months after Stanislav championed the equality of women in American society. Sykes has stopped at nothing to show his backward, barbaric ways.
First, he had the nerve to actually speak and attempt to form a complete thought. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t just so outrageous! But beyond that, a more sinister assassination plot involving a forklift was attempted and, much like the rest of his career, failed in spectacular fashion.
We interviewed Daniel Shaddicks, who is a very high ranking member of OSHA. “Under further review, Jared Sykes should never be operating heavy machinery. It is dangerous as it is, but truthfully, all American made machinery is dangerous. They’re death traps. They’re not solid and dependable like, oh I’d say, Russian machinery. That’s the best!”
How cold-hearted you are, Sykes.
The match was not without controversy and, unfortunately, it stemmed from the glowing, limitless love of Alexei Ruslan, right hand and lifelong friend of Stanislav.
“I saw a light that was hanging from the rigging above the ring and it was threatening to fall. A light like that could kill someone. Not Ivan Stanislav, of course, but Jared Sykes? Well, a stiff gust of wind could fell him, so you can only imagine what a light of that size could do! I just didn’t want him to get hurt.”
So what did Ruslan do? First, he let official Timo Bolamba know of the issue, and then hopped upon the apron to warn Sykes of the possible danger. It was only then that what many are calling the “Sykes Conspiracy” began to unfold.
Despite rumors of a terribly abusive relationship between them, Justine Calvin, gaslit delusional fiance of Sykes, rushed to the ring and viciously assaulted Ruslan, who was still pointing at the light and screaming in fear for the PRIME wrestlers in the ring.
And I know you’re all asking it, but no, Calvin is an active member of the roster, not a manager. She had no right to do that. I can only imagine the bevy of fines that are coming her way!
But when you deal with such desperate individuals, can we ever expect anything more?
Ruslan had no chance to defend himself during the attack and the crowd could only watch in horror.
“Oh it was terrible,” said 89 year old Edith Edison, rumored to be a direct descendant of Thomas Edison and a San Diego-iegoianite for her entire life. “That poor boy, Ruslan, he didn’t deserve that. That is why I’m going to knit him a little hammer and sickle for the good communist. And that two-bit hussy, Calvin, should be ashamed of herself!”
Calvin then tried to enter the ring, but Stanislav, ever the gentleman, calmed the hysterical woman despite her bloodshot eyes and froth dripping from her lips. He convinced her to leave. Then, in the only way a true hero can, Stanislav completely obliterated Jared Sykes and left him inert in the middle of the ring.
When it was done and Stanislav stood victorious in the ring, Sykes even clung to Ivan’s boots and begged for forgiveness.
Too little too late, Jared Sykes.
“It truly was a feel-good moment. I think we should have a national holiday. Forget July 4th. This was a true holiday for everyone in attendance,” said the mayor of San Diego, who asked to not be identified because of political implications.
“I’ll never forget it. I went home and got Ivan Stanislav’s name tattoo’d on my backside, and it’s been two days and I still have no regrets!” said a college co-ed who was with the mayor, who confirmed he had seen the tattoo. That is a whole other story, comrades.
PRIME officials had to pause the show for approximately forty-five minutes as the crowd became completely unhinged with happiness and rushed the ring. Afterwards, officials estimated that between twenty to thirty-thousand members of those in attendance were ready to leave, because there wasn’t much else worth watching. But the consummate professional, Stanislav, spoke to them over the public announce system and asked them to stay, even if it was impossible to match the hysteria of the Main Event.
Stanislav returned to Russia the next day to a fairy-tale homecoming, complete with throngs of Russians, a banquet in his honor, and a parade through Red Square. Said Stanislav, “I always pride myself on wrestling to the best of my ability, and against that group of scoundrels, I cannot say that victory was assured.” He blushed, the modest man that he is, “But I thought of all the people who are behind me, cheering me on, and how much good can be done by showing this younger generation a true role-model, and I would not accept anything other than complete victory.”
We are in your debt, Stanislav, and you have our thanks.
Stanislav has now clinched a match for the Universal Title, but rumor has it there might not even be a match.
After Brandon Youngblood defeated Tyler Adrian Best, Youngblood collapsed to his knees in the middle of the ring and began sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position. Ringside viewers reported hearing him bellow, “Why did you have to win Ivan?! WHYYYYYY???”
Meanwhile, Best, who had been, well, bested, actually sat up and dragged his hand along his forehead and let out a “whew” that could be heard for miles and said, “That was a close one.”
I think it is appropriate to close this feel-good story with wrestling historian Simon Merrick again, who states, “Many times in this profession, we are bombarded with negative feelings and let-downs, but I feel this is a platinum age for this fine profession. Ivan Stanislav has made such a historical significance that truly, it cannot be understated. When I think about Ivan Stanislav right now, I certainly think it ranks up there with some of the major flashpoints in wrestling lore, to include:
-Ivan Stanislav’s PCW Continental Championship, PCW Tag Championship, World Championship, multiple National Pride match wins, his wrestler of the year awards, his OSW World Championship, wrestler of the year awards, and so many others.
Merrick continues, “I know it sounds almost silly, but the truth is when a true, serious historian thinks about professional wrestling, one has to only think about Ivan Stanislav and the hope he gives to so many generations around the world. That is why I want to thank you, Ivan Stanislav, for just being you.”
I can only echo Dr. Merrick’s sentiments.
Thank you, Ivan Stanislav. We all awoke on Sunday morning with a little “DYAAHAAHAA!!” in our step!
This report was written by 100% American Native John Smith.