TROPICAL TURMOIL NEWS AND NOTES

• • Clearly in a bad way following the conclusion of the main event of Tropical Turmoil Night 1, Coral Avalon was seen being helped out of the arena by his friend, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. He also declined to speak to reporters beyond stating “I’m going home” when some became insistent that he give any statement at all.

Lord Yum lingered behind long enough to state that while “his client” is banged up and hurt, his injuries are unlikely to be severe enough to cause him to miss that much time and that he will still appear at ReVival 31 in Washington D.C. He declined to clarify exactly when Avalon became “a client” of his.

Lord Yum also reminded reporters that he and Avalon will be tag team partners for the upcoming Lucha Especial 3 show in Tijuana, and also announced that the pair will also be teaming for the upcoming Flynn Cup, before Avalon grumpily dragged him away from chatting any further with reporters with a terse “we’re going home”.

Despite this sentiment, Avalon did still show up to help Brandon Youngblood celebrate his victory over Tyler Adrian Best, so clearly “going home” meant “waiting a day and then showing up to work again.”

 

• • Following yet another lackluster and embarrassing performance during the first night of Tropical Turmoil, famed pants-shitter was approached backstage by members of the press.

When they commented that it looked like he had something to say, the perennial failure announced that he certainly did.

The moment he opened his mouth to speak, the Goat Bastard froze in place, and declared, “I have to go now; my planet needs me.” He then proceeded to float straight into the air and disappear from existence.

NOTE: Rezin died on his way back to his home planet. The PRIME faithful were said to have cheered out in unison when hearing the news.

 

• • Joe Fontaine was spotted laughing hysterically at the conclusion of the main event of Tropical Turmoil, Night One, and reportedly did not stop laughing until well after nearly everyone went home.

When he finally calmed down enough to speak to anyone at all, he reportedly began to immediately advocate for a pool party with all of the Glueboiz, “especially Hank.”

No word yet on the status of Hank getting pool time or how much of it he would received once he got it, but all of our top reporters are following this story because it’s clearly the most important one in PRIME as we know it.

 

• • Speaking of the erstwhile Winds of Change, Joe Fontaine was seen still hanging out in the parking lot, waiting for FLAMBERGE to come back and pick him up.

He apparently didn’t find out about the result of FLAMBERGE’s match with Anna Daniels (or her murder of the FLAMBOrghini) until about an hour after the match had already concluded, but Fontaine was ecstatic to learn of the result and shouted “DOUBLE POOL PARTY!” at the top of his lungs for everyone to hear.

 

• • Shortly after Timo called for the bell to end the Crucifixion Match between Hoyt Williams and Nova, Nova became unresponsive on the cross. While Hoyt was high-five-ing his henchmen, Timo screamed towards the back for medical to respond.

EMTs immediately jogged down the ramp and slid underneath the ring ropes with a stretcher. Timo folded his hands into a booster so one of the EMTs could climb up and undo the straps across the Risen Star’s wrists. Nova collapsed into their arms and they fell backwards into the arms of the other EMTs assisting on-scene.

Nova was loaded onto a stretcher and rushed to the back. No further updates were available at the time of posting.

 

• • The Gamble Adoration Syndicate was seen standing on a street in downtown Chicago. Tony Gamble himself had a slice of pizza in one hand and a Pepsi in the other, as the group awaited Tyler Best’s parade to begin.

Tony was a bit upset, and was heard telling Frank Pastore that Brandon Youngblood was going to pay for ruining his chance at free pizza.

 

• • Chaos reigned at the San Diego Pier Sunday morning. Firefighters were called to the scene in an attempt to save the private vessel Beauregard. PRIME fans will note that this is the same boat that FLAMBERGE would win the Intense championship from Anna Daniels after a grueling battle. The perpetrator of the incident was not on scene, leaving only a fifth of Jack Daniels and a roasted hot dog behind.

 

• • Sorry. We keep talking about the Winds of Change on this edition of News and Notes.

Actually, that’s the thing. In a press release sent out the morning after Tropical Turmoil, the team of Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips have formally announced their new brand going forward as a team: “the Glue Man Group.”

“It is time to embrace the new. It is time to embrace the glue. Gluebrace!” Fontaine said to reporters in a brief telephone interview conducted because they called the wrong phone number when they were trying to reach Sid Phillips instead, “The whole Winds of Change brand is super damaged and old, so what better way to embrace the whole meaning of that name by changing it entirely!”

We attempted to get in touch with the 5-Star Champion, Lord Cecilworth Farthington, about the new name. He did respond, but only to say “no” and hang up the phone.

 

• • Donnie Walker, owner of Donnie’s Gym and employer of Stu Weiler, is calling for sanctions against the entire Love Convoy for their blatant interference in the recent match between Donnie’s Gym asset and fan favorite Rocky de Leon and Jonathan-Christopher Hall.

In a statement given to press outside Jurassic HQ, Walker reported that de Leon is in stable condition at Alvarado Hospital. He should be transported home for continued care at Laredo, Texas within the next 48 hours.

 

• • Despite his Alias Championship conquest, Abe Lipschitz has pushed off all media due to a more important matter: finding a new home for Butter Pecan the pony. He was able to relay that he felt the pony would probably like a cooler climate, but when he tried to board a flight to Chicago, he changed his mind due to the sound of multiple crying babies whom had already boarded.

 

• • PRIME and Nate Colton came to terms on a new contract early Sunday morning, keeping the Next Diamond in the company for another year. The meeting was very brief, with almost no negotiation on the terms. An anonymous source within PRIME told us that this came as a surprise, stating that Colton left “a lot of money on the table.” “Not that we’re complaining,” the source went on to say. “Always appreciate help with the budget.”

 

• • There is still no concrete explanation for Paxton Ray’s attack on The Anglo Luchador following TAL’s victory over Arthur Pleasant on Night 2 of Tropical Turmoil. We reached out to Foster Nackedy but found that he had left the city of San Diego early Saturday morning, presumably with the Bayou Butcher in tow. We will continue to try and shed light on this strange situation.

 

• • No one from the PRIME offices has heard from The Anglo Luchador since Saturday.

 

• • Following Adam Ellis’s big win over the Love Convoy’s Tristin-Crispin Gladhappy on Night One, Adam and his wife Ginny Van Lear were seen catching a late romantic candlelight dinner at the King and Queen Cantina in downtown San Diego after the show.

 

• • Ivan Stanislav, unsurprisingly, returned to a rousing Russian ovation after his victory at Tropical Turmoil. Droves of cheering Russian’s met him at the Sheremetyevo International Airport in Moscow, Russia. Stanislav did not even descend from the plane before launching into a triumphant speech regarding his “unambiguous win against the forces of the West.” He vowed that whoever would dare stand against him with the Universal Title would be “smashed to pieces” and “might need to be granted amnesty in Belarus” following the match. A parade was held in his honor later that day in Red Square.

 

• • Interesting details coming from what some are calling “Tiregate,” which involves the slashed ambulance tires backstage at The Pit, in New Mexico. The tires in question were discovered only after Jared Sykes required hospitalization following a brutal attack by none-other than Ivan Stanislav.

A further investigation resulted in a worker at The Pit, Sopov Yaroslavovich, being taken into custody and not two weeks later, Alexei Ruslan was hauled in and detained for the maximum period allowed before he had to be released. Rumors circulated that Ruslan had something to do with the slashing, though he has denied the allegations.

Ruslan was held in the US for almost two weeks, while being questioned, but was required to be released when no hard evidence was brought against him. Ruslan claims he was on vacation in Sochi.

Nevertheless, New Mexico police reported on Friday night that Mr. Yaroslavovich, while still in custody, had a “medical emergency,” but no other details have been given. We still questioned Mr. Ruslan on Saturday as he left Petco Park. With what looked like a pound of steak wrapped up and pressed against his eye following his match where Justine Calvin decked him, Ruslan could only smile and say, “Oh that is a shame. I sure hope he gets whatever medical treatment he deserves.”

 

• • No confirmation yet on whether or not the so-called “FLAMBOrghini” can be successfully fished out of San Diego Bay. Inquiries to local towing companies have been met with a unified response of “we usually tow cars that are on land, not cars at the bottom of a bay.”

We can, however, confirm this rumor KILLER – after winning the Intense Title at Tropical Turmoil, FLAMBERGE did NOT, in fact, celebrate in a large humidity-controlled tank filled with sand and plants and perching logs with a bag of live ants to snack upon…they were actually roasted and covered in chocolate.