RUMOR MILLS: JULY 12TH EDITION

• • Rumor has it that the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School is no longer seeking an “acting” head trainer, implying that the position has been filled. The school has been seeking a new trainer ever since the current head trainer, Franco Marchesi, suffered a severe knee injury in Japan back in March. The school is now set to reopen in August, though there’s concern that the school may not be able to train anyone in time for the Belmont Classic at the end of the year.

 

• • Did “Doppeltsonda” just get a PRIME contract?

Inexplicably, what was intended to be a one-week goof has turned into a nearly monthlong saga, as Jake Nguyen, bka Doppeltsonda, has now been seen in DC leading up to ReV 31. The aspiring actor has clearly found the role of a lifetime and doesn’t want to give it up, but have Lindsay Troy & co. actually signed this non-wrestler to PRIME? Wasn’t Chandler Tsonda coming back at Tropical Turmoil an end to this “mission imposter-ble?” How long is TOO LONG to do this bit? No sources have any clue what is going on.

 

• • All the secrecy surrounding The Anglo Luchador and all the enmity Paxton Ray has for him lately has generated considerable buzz. Some people have speculated from Foster Nackedy’s comments and from The Luchador calling out “Melissa” at Tropical Turmoil that it has something to do with Ray’s ex-wife and daughter. We tried reaching out to Shweta Kallehmullah, the one person who would know, but she did not answer our phone calls. Neither did the Luchador nor his children either.

When you can’t get tips from the Battaglia children, you know things are serious.

 

• • Rumor has it sales of glittery pterodactyl gear have far outpaced that of the original FDP merchandising. Upon further inquiry, many of the sales are hitting previously untapped demographics for Rocky – tween girls and gay men between the ages of 25 and 40.

 

• • Rumor has it that Arthur Pleasant has made a formal complaint to the parent company of Jabber. Our sources could not find out what the nature of the complaint is exactly, but given his radio silence since delivering a threatening post towards C. Montgomery Byrnes, as well as his loss at Tropical Turmoil to The Anglo Luchador, one has to think it involves one or both individuals. More on this story as it develops!

 

• • With Tony Gamble basing his operations in Las Vegas, there have been talks about him dabbling into other forms of income to help build his brand. The most recent idea he has been tossing around is whether or not he could convince Phil Atken and Jon Rhine to have a wrestling match to raise money for in Tony’s words “buncha crippled kids that nobody cares about”.

“Nothing’s set in stone, because I haven’t talked to Jon or Phil, but I think people would pay good money to see them roll around on the floor for fifteen to twenty minutes.”

 

• • Speculation has run rampant over the past week as to why Tropical Turmoil was not followed by the usual press conference that has followed PRIME’s past two PPV events.

The reasons evidently stem from issues with the traditional sponsors of the presser events, the law firm of Hamburgers, Hotdogs, & Chickentenders LLC. In the past week, news has trickled out implying that one of the partners, Christiano Chickentenders, was disbarred for allegedly questionable practices in an effort to bail his son, Chris, from Mexican jail.

There’s no telling how this will affect Chris Chickentenders’ role as the newly appointed anchor for Crackin’ News, although the “born again hard” anti-fan of wrestling is reportedly incensed that he has to move back in with his mom for a brief period until these matters blow over.

 

• • From the latest Scandal Sheet:

“After months of being a fixture on the Las Vegas club and arts scene, nobody’s seen Nate Colton out and about for weeks. Maybe he’s resting up while his boo is out of town? More likely he went straight to LA after Tropical Turmoil to be with her again. I have it on good authority that once Art In Motion starts their West Coast tour, you’ll see Colton popping up in those cities on a regular basis. I’m honestly surprised Nate can even abandon Skye Reeves long enough to attend his PRIME bookings. Not when they have such a close…deep…connection.

Maybe he’s bringing their thruple partner? Sadly, we’ve had no luck finding out who that is, as we just discovered one of our naughty sources gave us the wrong name. We’ll keep looking into this mystery, because we know you want us to…and if there’s one thing I love, it’s giving my readers what they really, really want.”

Could the raspberry queen be on the hunt for a new king? We’ve been hearing whispers for a while that Justine Calvin is unhappy in her current relationship, but after watching her fiance get dismantled by Ivan Stanislav and fail to protect her, we’re told that Calvin could be on the hunt for a different flavor popsicle. Perhaps one that’s not as disappointing in or out of the ring.

 

• • Rumors are swirling around the toilet seat over the very real possibility of Bobby Dean having to to defend himself in Bandit High Court.

Liter of the eGG Bandits, Caner Jiles, had this to say on the matter, “The chicken is one thing. I can deal with a treacherous belly. It’s when Bob starts to use the fat surrounding his brain, and he makes decisions on his own instead of consulting the carton. That’s when a Bandit High Court might be called to order.”

Who would defend Robert in such a scenario? Who would be the prosecutor? Who would be the judge? Remember, Jiles is Eggsecutioner, so he must abstain from the court proceedings until a verdict is reached — no matter HOW guilty or not guilty he might think Bob is.

Check back with PRIME’s number one news source, Cracking News, for more details.

 

• • San Diego, as we all know, is the West Virgina to Los Angeles’s Virginia, and as such, the screenplays that are rumored to come out of the Former Land of the Chargers are unsurprisingly much less intelligible.

That’s why rumors may have to be taken seriously when it comes to local San Diego screenwriters pitching scripts for “Titanic 2: The Search for FLAMBOrghini” after the events of Tropical Turmoil.

Rumored licensing fees for use of FLAMBrand properties such as the FLAMBOrghini are “astrological at best, astronomical at worst.”

 

• • As part of a new effort in “rebranding” the former Winds of Change, Sid Phillips has been hard at work trying to learn new moves. Unfortunately, every trainer that the Glueminati has sent his way has left with powerbomb-related injuries. So, really, he’s not hard at work at all, is he?

 

• • Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. is considering giving up bacon after the events of Lucha Especial 3 in Tijuana. We, at Rumor Mills, judge him harshly for it. Nobody resists bacon on our watch!

(Editor’s note: Wait, why are we doing rumors for *this* guy, again? Gary, what the hell is this doing on my desk? Gary? GARY!?)

 

• • This week was PRIME manager Foster Nackedy’s 46th birthday, and from what we hear it was a crazy affair down in New Orleans. The former NWC star had all of his students with him (besides Paxton Ray who was conspicuous in his absence) as well as several celebrities. At one point Foster was seen with a beautiful woman who…

Okay, enough. Look, he gave us this piece of paper to print. We weren’t there. Why would we send anyone to some old dude’s party? I’m sure he just drank beer alone in his gym. But if it makes him feel better for us to think his party was a rager that everyone enjoyed? Sure, Foster. It was an amazing party. The crudités were delicious.

 

• • Some PRIME roster members are petitioning PRIME officials to formally disallow Coral Avalon for using headbutts in a PRIME ring, citing his forehead as too dangerous of a natural weapon.

“It’s like going into a wrestling match and one guy’s got a thermonuclear warhead, emphasis on head,” one roster member said under an agreement of anonymity, before adding, “So fuck all the way off with that.”

There is no word yet if these petitions are actually being taken seriously.

 

• • Hayes Hanlon reaggravated the nagging fever blister on his lip after getting kicked in face at Tropical Turmoil by Cancer Jiles’ salt shoe. No word yet on how much time Hayes will miss, if any.

 

• • Although we have yet to verify the accuracy of the statement, it appears that The Glue Factory itself has issued a statement around the issue of Tyler Adrian Best’s future in PRIME:

“Well, it was a performance evaluation day.”

We reached out for further comment, or whether we should expect any more statements on the matter. The Glue Rep provided us the following comment:

“no”

More on this never.

 

• • Ginny Van Lear was seen this week leaving the Duck Commander store in West Monroe, Louisiana with a carton of Buck Bombs as she and Adam Ellis drove to Washington D.C. for this Friday’s show.

 

• • Camera footage of the eGG Bandits visit to the White House has disappeared so to speak. In a stroke of pure coincidental luck, the group managed to take the entire tour of the White House while remaining in all of the surveillance cameras blind spots. Quite the eggceptional feat when you factor in Bobby Dean was there with three other Bandits.