Hello hello, dear comrades hello!
Here we are on the eve of ReVival 32, and what would such an event be without a PRIMEr (do you see what I did there?) but your old pal Alexei Ruslan?!
I tell you what it would be: Boring!
Never fear, dear friends, I write to you again with so much important information to give. Again, I apologize to those at PRIME who have constantly complained that my excellent analysis and insights have somewhat dampened their own product. What can I say? It is a gift that I must share!
But first, my friends, as much as I would love to continue this joviality, I have to discuss something tragic:
The Failed Shackling of Ivan Stanislav
It is truly a shame to see the lengths to which sinister forces will conspire against our hero, Ivan Stanislav. First, there were the ridiculous fines that have been levied against The Red Army for quite frivolous “offenses.” Many of which we were not even at fault for!
And on top of that, let us be real: American products are cheaply made. I find it hard to believe such damages truly cost so much to repair.
Then, of course, the lazy PRIME technical crew did not give Ivan Stanislav his rightful pyro and fancy lighting, and then further denied our glorious anthem when we strode purposefully and proudly to the ring. Shameful!
But now? Why, I nearly swoon to think about it. Now, the “press” members of PRIME won’t interview Ivan Stanislav out of, what, fear?
Hogwash, I say. And I will say it again. Why, I will even bold it and use my capital lock.
It matters not. They will have no choice but to interview Praporshchik Stanislav when he becomes Universal Champion. Yet in the meantime… perhaps we will try to find someone else who can appropriately ask Ivan the hard-hitting questions he so loves to field.
ReVival 32 Predictions
Here we have it, comrades, my predictions for ReVival 32. Some may surprise you. But I can assure you of just one prediction which should not come as a surprise to anyone with a half functioning brain. I ask that we play a game:
Can you guess which prediction was the easiest for me to make? I’ll answer the question afterwards. Have fun!
JACK OWYNS VS. KENNADE STARR
Winner: I don’t care.
Really, I don’t care. Who are these people? We have no real information on them. But Owyns and Starr, I tell you this: if you are reading this, stay out of our way. Unless you agree that the workers should control the means of production. In that case, seek us out!
ALIAS TITLE: ABE LIPSCHITZ VS. TONY GAMBLE
w/ Lindsay Troy as special guest referee?!
Winner: Tony Gamble by the fact that I picked his name out of my hat.
Congratulations Tony Gamble. You’re slated to win. Don’t let me down. I also believe that Lindsay Troy is the guest referee for this? I certainly hope that, if she is, she adheres to all the rules and regulations set forth by PRIME. I am an expert. And Lindsay, if you need any tips, I know one of the best referees in the world. He is down in Cuba. He can help!
CHANDLER TSONDA VS. CORAL AVALON
Winner: Chandler Tsonda because Coral Avalon is still smarting from the historic beating he took at the hands of Ivan Stanislav back in the Main Event at ReVival 18 which was held on November 04, 2022 in Las Vegas, Nevada in front of a sold out crowd.
Coral Avalon has never been the same since Ivan smashed him into paste last year. It’s a shame too, because Chandler Tsonda may look like a freshly birthed fetus, but he has many years on what could have been a promising career for Avalon. But we here in The Red Army are not held liable for shortening careers due to absolute decimation. Really. It’s in our contract!
ANNA DANIELS VS. JARED SYKES
Winner: Anna Daniels because Jared Sykes is a laughable idiot.
I spoke, last week, about willful ignorance. I should have placed a picture of Jared Sykes next to it. My goodness, did we hear some mental gymnastics from the boy at ReVival 31. His coping mechanism in the face of complete destruction is quite a thing! Anna Daniels has always been a class act towards The Red Army. She is forthright, honest, and understanding. Everything that Jared Sykes is not. Kick his rear end, Anna!
HAYES HANLON VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall because I hate the very ground that Hayes Hanlon walks upon and you should too.
This is a hard match to call. Because Ivan Stanislav not only decimated JCH, but also Hayes Hanlon. I mean, did you see the beating Ivan put to Hanlon at Tropical Turmoil? Such a statement! That boy was in one on one match with Ivan last year, and cheated horribly to garner a (questionable) victory. Then at Culture Shock, Hanlon hid behind Rezin in a Triple Threat Match and was able to steal victory from Ivan. As an aside: I have good knowledge that Rezin ultimately left PRIME because of how badly Ivan beat him. But I digress. Yes, the Tropical Turmoil match had six combatants, but in the opening section of the match, Ivan fought Hanlon one on one, the entire time, and beat him pillar to post and sent him packing. It’s irrefutable: Hayes Hanlon cannot possibly stand toe to toe with Ivan Stanislav. It is incontrovertible.
What am I typing about again? Oh yes.
But then again, JCH was also beaten by Ivan not a few weeks prior. And we all know that beatings by Ivan Stanislav don’t heal quickly.
Still, I give it to JCH. Because, well…
…per Ivan Stanislav, he believes that “Vickie Hall is terribly misunderstood and has great potential.” I can’t, really, write more about the how or why of these statements, but that’s what he wanted me to write. So there it is.
STIPULATION- WINNER GETS THEIR CAREER SHORTENED AT ULTRAVIOLENCE!
UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH: BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD VS. THE ANGLO LUCHADOR
Winner: There cannot be a winner when both men are such losers.
Does this even matter? Really? No. It doesn’t. Whoever “wins” this match is going to be the worlds biggest loser come UltraViolence, when Ivan Stanislav beats the stuffing out of them and returns to Russia with the Universal Title on his shoulder.
I don’t even want to talk more about them, they’re both so insufferable. So I won’t!
IVAN STANISLAV vs. Eddie Cross
Winner: IVAN STANISLAV. HANDILY.
I kind of wish that Timo Bolamba was officiating this match, just so I could see the look on his face when Ivan beats his son. But sometimes dreams are made to be broken. Oh well. I hope Eddie has the wherewithal to thank Ivan for dragging his carcass from the “Cancer Jiles” slot of matches and into the main event, at least?
Anyway, Eddie Cross is capable, there’s no doubt. We have great respect for the Bolamba family. But some things can’t be denied.
The sky is blue.
Communism is the best sociopolitical, philosophical, and economic ideology.
Ivan Stanislav will be victorious.
Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Eddie, please, just lay down. I know, you’re going to think that it’s not the right thing to do. You’re going to think that, hey, maybe you can actually win. But I am telling you, when you actually get in the ring and stare across at Praporshchik Stanislav, that wet sensation down the side of your leg is indeed piss, and you should just let him put his boot on you so you can get backstage and wipe yourself.
You won’t be the first. And you won’t be the last. There’s no shame in it.
And if you instead want to show that you, indeed, have no brains left in that head of yours, then Ivan is more than happy to beat you to a pulp. But hey, at least you’re in the main event!
Well, in case you are curious as to what the answer to the game was above, which, to remind you, asked which prediction was the easy one? It was Ivan Stanislav’s victory over Eddie Cross!!! Hah!
We march, inexorably, towards UltraViolence, where Ivan will be victorious and become Universal Champion. The Red Army marches ever onward, against all enemies and detractors. It brings to mind a favored quote by Lenin:
“We are marching in a compact group along a precipitous and difficult path, firmly holding each other by the hand. We are surrounded on all sides by enemies, and we have to advance almost constantly under their fire. We have combined, by a freely adopted decision, for the purpose of fighting the enemy, and not of retreating into the neighboring marsh, the inhabitants of which, from the very outset, have reproached us with having separated ourselves into an exclusive group and with having chosen the path of struggle instead of the path of conciliation.”
So, comrades, think about the path of struggle versus conciliation! Think about how we all move, hand in hand, together and in doing so shall overpower our enemies. Think about how that mighty man, Ivan Stanislav, leads us from the front and destroys all those stupid enough to get in our way.
But as always, my fine, dear friends. Always, Think Red!