Hello loves! It’s your number one gossip gal, fresh off a backstage tour of PRIME’s ReV32! I was able to secure very deep access, and I’ve come back with deets that are even juicier than Jared Sykes’ trouser hams!
The biggest scoop from the show is the official end of Nate Colton’s relationship with professional dancer Skye Reeves. I’m not surprised–Nate may be a Grade A slab of beef, but that lithe little beauty obviously couldn’t be tied down. A bird like that should fly free, with whoever she likes. In fact, Skye, if you’re a fan of the column, give me a call! *winky face*
Obviously Nate is taking this pretty hard, and multiple sources saw him moping around backstage like a stray puppy. You have to feel sorry for him; everything feels like hell once you’ve been kicked out of heaven. Hopefully someone takes pity on him soon…or at least, Jared shows him where the good crying closets are.
Now that Colton is back on the market, this is going to cause a huge shakeup in our Ship Rankings. Will FLAMBolton rise back to the top, or something new? Message me with your ideas!
In other news…
-Anglo Luchador is definitely up to something with Paxton Ray’s ex-wife. In fact, a very trusted source in the PRIME locker room told me that the two of them are involved in a drug-sex ring with Jared Sykes, leading to Melissa’s tragic death! More news on this as it develops!
-Rocky De Leon got someone in trouble, and he’s about to be in real trouble thanks to a paternity suit. Honestly, I’m impressed that a 97-year-old woman survived childbirth.
-Anna Daniels only came to this dimension as a tax dodge.
-Adam Ellis and Ginny Van Lear have put a lot of effort into…making friends…backstage in PRIME. Word is that Ginny does most of the “social networking,” and Adam counts the money.
-Hayes Hanlon, a column favorite since last year, is obviously trying to regain his popularity with my readers. Judging by his recent purchases, anyway.
-I have it on good authority that during Ivan Stanislav’s post-match shower, Alexei Ruslan was helping wash his hard…-to-reach places.
-Some kid named Quentin talked to me, and he is the most adorable little thing. God, I could just eat him up.
-I don’t think Sage Pontiff believes in any of that New Age crap; he’s just using it as a way to get laid and steal people’s money. Classic “spiritual advisor” stuff.
-After Tony Gamble won Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration, the Gamble Appreciation Syndicate gathered in the locker room for some very intense appreciation. I could hear the noise from the other side of the arena.
-Abe Lipschitz, on the other hand, was crestfallen after his loss and needed all of the Troy Boys, as well as both of his Black Metal Friends, to console him.
-At Timo Bolamba’s age, you’d think he might have trouble getting it up. He doesn’t, but he does have the opposite problem. Once it’s up he can’t get it back down for at least six hours, no matter how many doctors he calls. Sounds like a side effect of drinking too much cologne.
He also continues to deny his case of mega-herpes.
-Kennade Starr is about to start an OnlyFans account, thanks to a brilliant observation from an outside observer. Eddie Cross has already pre-ordered several jars of bathwater and a dozen used gym socks.
-Is one of PRIME’s referees trading in-ring favoritism for backstage “favors?” It can’t just be coincidence that Nate Colton’s first singles loss came right after we reported the first sighting of him with his now ex-girlfriend. Did Ashley Barlow play favorites at ReV27 out of jealousy? Or maybe she’d gotten tired of the Hoosier’s Hog, and wanted to experience the King’s Armament? Now she’s in line to be in a sticky situation with Cecilworth Farthington…or she could take another ride on the Colton Carousel. I’m all for it–why dig for gold when you can decide where it goes? Keep working smarter, girl!
-Randall Schwartz was seen panhandling on the streets of Baltimore, trying to raise money so he could buy “something pretty” for Ria Lockhart. He almost has enough for a Ring Pop.
-Cancer Jiles was spotted getting very intimate backstage. With who, though? Lindsay Troy? Bobby Dean? Coral Avalon’s forehead? No…it was his reflection in the locker room mirror.
In similar fashion, Bobby Dean was seen getting very intimate with the ribs from catering.
-Doug should call me. I have an idea.
-Brandon Youngblood and Angelica Brooks were seen talking in the hallway, and sparks were flying. Is the Suplex Daddy trading in his old model ginger for a new one? Or has Amy Campbell known all along? I’m sure Mr. Brooks is on board, with his well-documented fascination with cucking.
Ship Rankings for August:
- Coralworth Farthalon
- Pleasant Pink
- SidRia Locklips
- Chandler Tsonda/Not Chandler Tsonda
Thank you to PRIME for being such gracious hosts; I had a wonderful time at the show and I know you did too! Extra special thanks to Nate Colton, who personally invited me to the show and helped grease the wheels on my paperwork! *kissy face*
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